


A Court of Parallels

by onlyangelzH



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:47:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 112,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28705398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyangelzH/pseuds/onlyangelzH
Summary: Maliha has felt like something was missing all her life. She felt like an outcast at the Dawn Court so she decided it was her time to set off on an adventure of her own. Little did she know, this was the worst times to do it.Amarantha's reign has started and Maliha had faced some of the consequences and ended up on the outskirts of Velaris, where Azriel found her unconscious. Against his good judgement, he brought her into the secret city and helped her regain her strength. Until the day she disappears without a trace.50 years or so later, the King of Hybern is now planning an attack which causes the High Lords to hold a meeting. Maliha has changed, in appearance and soul, but she'll never forget the Illyrian who changed her life for the better.When the Inner Circle comes to the meeting, Azriel saw the woman, and knew she seemed familiar but from where? What will happen between the two now when two courts collide? Is she the one he's been searching for?Maybe, just maybe. She's his parallel, a damaged soul who's been stuck within the darkness and hidden in the shadows, waiting to come out and save not only Az, but all of Prythian.
Relationships: Azriel (ACoTaR)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone and welcome to the first chapter of A Court of Parallels. I'm so excited to start this book and trust me when I tell you I have the whole thing planned out so I will not just write a couple chapters and leave you hanging. I also update very consistently!
> 
> The structure of the book, for those confused, is the first part of the book is taking place 50 years before ACOTAR. This is a month or so before Amarantha's reign. There will be a time jump, probably a long one, to where the story goes to the present day. The "present day" will be about a week or so before the High Lords meeting to discuss the plans of the battle with King Hybern. 
> 
> I would like to state that most of the characters and scenes belong to SJM but some will be changed due to the story. This is Fanfiction after all and I am inputing a character that doesn't exist. 
> 
> Please let me know if you have any questions. Don't forget to kudos and comment. 
> 
> Love xxx
> 
> P.s. if you like Draco Malfoy, go check out My Salvation it is Draco x Reader.

**50 years or so before present day**

Have you ever felt like you never belonged in a place you've lived in since... well for as long as you can remember? I don't remember life before coming to the Dawn Court. It always seemed like something was missing but I never found out what? 

I woke up at the crack of dawn... fitting isn't it... to get ready for the day at the Palace. I stepped out of bed thankful I had awoken before my maids came in and poked and prodded me in dresses that seemed fit for the court. I didn't dislike the dresses but I didn't feel like it was all me. 

I grab my rose gold silk robe and tie it among my matching nightgown I had slept in and walk out to the balcony. Residing in one of the higher levels of the palace, I could see all from here. 

The palace resided atop a mountain, so high I felt like I could touch the sky if I went just a couple levels up. The building itself is made from sunstone. The color that could only be described as a near-opalescent golden stone. If you look closely enough, it looked like the early stages of the dawn sky. 

The palace was divided in two buildings, a bridge connecting the two. The lilac colored wisteria wrapped around the bridge, on the ground and the pillars that hold it to the palace. Spiral stairs were built around the castle, making multiple entryways inside the palace. A hazard indeed, but two guards were stationed at each entry. On the pillars, periwinkle morning glories shined through. All making the palace shine like the morning sky. It was beautiful -no doubt about it- but I wanted change. 

I looked out to the countryside where the residents resided. The residents lived in houses with red roofs. But not red as blood. It was more of a beautiful red with a hint of orange, like the sky when the sun is at its peak of rising. 

While the palace signified the early stages, the residents signified the later. Connecting us all as one. 

In the middle of the one town laid a stream of a sparkling river, children playing near it while their mothers converse in a small circle in front of the door of their estate.

I've always wanted children of my own, someone to care for as mine. But I don't think I ever could. Not because I physically couldn't but I didn't know if it was worth it. If I didn't know who I was. If I felt like something was missing, how could I ever love a child of my own? I needed to find myself before caring for a child. 

I hear a knock at the door and turn around. "Come in," I call out. The door opens to see my two maids. 

"Good morning Lady Maliha," Anna bows. Celia follows her lead. I bow my head in response, "Goodmorning. Is that dress for me?"

Celia sets the dress on the hanger set against my changing curtain. "Yes, my lady. I'll draw you a bath before you dress. Then Lord Thesan is waiting for you to have breakfast." 

Celia walks into the wash room and I hear the water running soon after. As she attended to that, Anna was making my bed. "Anna, I told you several times before, I can make my own bed. Please. You do too much as it is."

She softly laughs, "Lady Maliha,it is my duty to clean this room along with the castle. Specifically yours and attend to any needs you desire. This is nothing."

I walk over and grab the throw pillows I had thrown the night before on the sofa. Walking over to my bed, I help Anna make it. "No, you mustn't need to help me please sit-"

"How are your children?" I interrupt. She looks at me with an eyebrow raised and hands on her hips. Knowing I wouldn't back down from helping, she signs and drops her hands, allowing me to help her. 

"They're all right. Growing too fast."

"What are their names? If you don't mind me asking, I don't think you ever told me."

"Apologies miss. Elias and Arthur. My husband and I tried to have children for many years, a century to be exact. I had lost all hope. But thank the Mother, one day I woke up with terrible sickness. It turns out I was with a child," she takes a breath and laughs. "Well, two."

"You didn't know you were having twins?" I ask, amazed. 

"No, not until I was giving birth. It was a miracle. Elias came first but the pain didn't stop. Before I knew it, Arthur was brought to the world."

There was a short silence before I asked, "How did you know you were ready? To be a mother? When you and your husband decided it was time to start trying?"

She looks at me with a taken back look probably wasn't expecting for me to be asking such questions. With a cleared throat she answers, "Well. I never knew if I was truly ready. I knew I wanted children. But when my husband and I decided to start trying, I wasn't actually fully ready. My mother told me that while she was pregnant with me, she freaked out completely. She wasn't loved as a child and didn't know how to love anyone. With my father, it was different. They were mates, it came natural, it was meant to be. But me? I was unplanned. But she told me the moment I was born, the moment she held me in her arms, she knew. She knew how to love me even if she didn't know what love was. She told me before her passing, her one fear was being a terrible mother. But she was the opposite. She actually said having me taught her how to love herself. It made her a better person.

I thought she was crazy just a bit but the moment I held my boys in my arms. I knew. It was like something inside me had awoken. I wasn't ready per say. I didn't know how to mother. But I learned. I learn everyday. It's quite fascinating. I learn new things about myself and my family."

When Anna had finished talking, we wiped tears from our eyes. I took in Anna's words, wondering if I would ever feel like that or have that experience. "Are you thinking of having children of your own? My lady."

I nod. "One day, in the future. I would like to explore myself first."

"Well, I know you'll be an excellent mother. Come along now, the bath is ready."

***

I make my way down the hall of the palace. My dress was a modern blush color along with designs of flowers and leaves marked with shades of pink and white, made with brocade fabric. A blush silk belt accentuates my waist. The neck is high but sleeveless. The skirt itself had hidden pockets that Celia had made sure was set into the design when she was making it. She knew I liked somewhere to place my hands or trinkets though it may have not been "ladylike".

My hair, a mix between autumn brown leaves with golden rays of sunshine, flowed down my back. Pearl earrings with a blush-like sunrise within fell down my ears. 

I walked within the dining room to see my cousin, Thesan, and his lover, the Captain of the guard and Peregryn army. His brown skin and hair shined in the morning sun. 

My skin was not brown like my cousin but it wasn't tan either. Well, more of a warm tan with a golden undertone to describe it at best. 

He looks up from whatever he was reading, his rich brown eyes matching my own, that was a feature we both had in common. 

"Cousin," he greets as I walk in. His voice is deep and rich. "Thesan, Captain, good morning."

I sit at the seat across from the two. The dining table was long, it could probably seat 20 people or so but here we are, the three of us, sitting at the center. Thesan and his lover on one side and I across from the two. 

A servant comes and places a cup of tea in front of me. I thank them quietly. They asked whether I wanted pancakes or waffles with my eggs but I replied with toast and eggs. Toast wasn't one of the options given but I knew they had asked about things they would have to go out of their way to make. Toast was simple. And besides, I wasn't too hungry anyways. 

"What is on the agenda today?" I ask my cousin. He places a spoonful of egg in his mouth. "Well, I have to attend some business with the armies. You may do what you wish."

"Armies? Is something going on?"

He shakes his head and chuckles, "Nothing, you have to worry about little cousin. There is talk that something big is coming but no one knows what yet. I'm meeting with them to strategize, then I will strengthen the wards around the court. I may require your assistance with that bit."

"Of course, I may go into the town later, my hair needs some touch ups," I say, picking up a strand of my hair. 

"You know Lady Maliha, I could bring the hairdresser to the palace," the Captain speaks. 

I shake my head, putting down the tea I had brought to my lips. "That's all right. I like going there. Gives me a sense of some normality."

Thesan lets out a loud laughter. "There is nothing normal about you, my dear. You and I have special gifts. And so if anything were to happen to me if I decide not to birth an heir myself, you will need to provide the next High Lord of our court."

I laugh softly, "And do pray tell cousin, if I do not give birth to an heir before your passing. Do I become High Lady."

"High Lady?" he scoffs. "Stop that nonsense. The Captain will be a replacement until you provide an heir. But this is all hypothetical speaking."

We continue to eat breakfast in silence apart from a few conversations here and there until they both dismiss themselves to get ready for the day. I pick up my plate and theirs, walking to the kitchen. 

"Oh Lady Maliha, we could've gotten that," Lucy exclaims. Lucy was an older fae, her brown skin glistened like the golden sun. Her eyes a deep shade of brown but I could swear there were gold specs within. She's been like a mother to me since my own mother's passing. Her and my mother used to be good friends regardless of status.

Lucy actually owned a bakery but when her mate got sick, they couldn't afford a healer. So my mother offered her housing and a place of work in the Palace where she was paid much more than she was making. My mother still insisted on her having a bakery and so now, she bakes things in the castle then makes a trip or sends one of our servants to deliver it. 

I set the plates in the sink. "Oh, it's quite alright. I wanted to talk to you about something if you have time."

She walks over to the large table in the middle of the room. "Oh well of course. I'm making these cupcakes for a woman's daughter's birthday so I'll be finishing them while you speak if that's all right?"

I giggle, "of course. They're beautiful."

Cupcakes made with red velvet sat upon the table, Lucy whisking away to make the frosting. "Here, have a taste. Tell me if it's missing something." She applies some of the frosting on one cupcake and hands it to me. I take it and begin to unwrap it. Biting into it, I hum in delight.

"Lucy, this is delicious!" 

She lets out a laugh. "Well I'll be sure to save some aside for you. Now what is it you wanted to speak to me about?"

I sit on a stool near the table, puffing out the skirt of my dress. "Well..." I take a deep breath. "Aunt Lucy, I feel like somethings missing."

"Missing?" she questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, missing in a spiritual sense. I don't know. I do the same things every day. I see the same people. It's not like I'm sick of it really, I love the people here and the court itself. But a part of me feels as though home is somewhere else. Or just a part of home. And I don't feel like it's in the Dawn Court at all, I feel as though it's out there. In another part of Prythian. Oh, am I making any sense?"

I groan and place my hands in my head.

I heard Lucy laugh. "Actually it makes perfect sense. You're just like your mother, did you know that?" My head shoots up,"What?"

"Well, how do you think you're here?" she gestures to me. "Maliha, your mother loved adventure. We both did. You know how she and I met. Down by the waterfall near the outskirts of the court. We weren't allowed to go there, it was restricted but we both like adventure. One day, your mother and I decided to set out on a journey. We left in the dead of night right before the crack of dawn."

"Where did you go?"

"Well, North. We went to the Day court, where I happened to stumble upon my mate. Afterwards, your mother insisted on continuing North still. I asked why but she never said. We met your father in the Night court. And then after being there for a month, we came back here. Once your grandparents had realized your mother was pregnant, they called her a disgrace. Back then, impregnating with someone not your mate was shamed upon. They locked her away in the Palace. Your cousin's father, her brother, had not forgotten what shame your mother brought but once your grandparents had passed, he showed her kindness. Forgiveness. He gave her freedom."

I listen closely, my head falling onto my crossed arms. "I knew I was a bastard child but mom never told me she was treated horribly by my grandparents."

"Well," she sighs and places more frosting in the piping bag. "Your mother didn't want you to know. She wanted you to feel normal. She wanted you to not look at children who weren't bastard children as children who deserved more than you. You were still her daughter. An heir to the dawn court, regardless. Well, it seems like it worked in your favor after all seeing how Thesan has a lover." 

She lets out a laugh. "Oh you should have seen the anger in his father's face when he caught him with a male. Now look at him."

"He still needs to hide it, people aren't open to the idea."

"Yes, but we are here at the Palace and not he does not feel shameful for who he is. That's all that matters isn't it?"

I nod. "Do you think it would be beneficial to go on an adventure on my own?" She looks up at me with a shocked look. "I don't see why not! As long as you are safe and have guards with you and with Thesan's approval."

I smile and stand. "I'll go ask before he leaves for his duties." 

I thank her for the talk and make my way to my cousin's bedding chambers, excitement flowing right through me. When I reach the door, I take a deep breath and knock. "Come in," I hear his voice say. Taking another deep breath, I turn the knob and enter. 

"Cousin! What a surprise," he says buttoning up his cufflinks. He was wearing a white suit meshed with pink of all sorts in a complicated design. 

"I was wondering if I could ask you something," I say fidgeting with my fingers. He raises his eyebrow in a way to say continue.

"I want to leave the Dawn Court."

"Leave the Dawn Court?" he asks, astonished by the fact I'm asking such a thing.

"Well, not _leave_ leave for good. But for a little. I want to go on an adventure. I haven't been feeling myself lately and I want to go exploring. Please Thesan."

He shakes his head, voice stern, "Absolutely not. Why would you think of such a thing." I step closer. "Thesan, please, I'll take guards with me. I'll be careful. It'll only be for a month or so."

"And where would you go?" I think for a second. "Well, I don't know. That's the point of this adventure. To find myself."

He places his hand on his forehead and lets out a breath. "Maliha, listen to yourself. You sound like your mother. Do you remember what happened when your mother went on an adventure? She had you, a bastard child."

I step forward, getting angry. "Don't you dare speak about my mother in that way."

He takes two steps forward, his voice so loud, the castle could hear him. "Do not tell me what I can and can not speak about. I will speak in whatever way I please. Now as for this little adventure of yours, it is not happening. End of discussion. You should be grateful our family even let you in. Let alone stay in the Palace. My father gave you your freedom to roam around the court as you wish. That is the only adventure you will have. Now I do not want to see you until I get back. Go do something instead of wasting my time talking about this nonsense."

Tears prickle my eyes, begging to come out. But I hold them back, take one step backwards before turning and marching to the door. Opening it, I stop in the doorway turning my head slightly backwards. "How is it..." I begin. "that I was there for you and defending you against your father when he found out you preferred men because you said it was who you are and what you were missing. But when I tell you that I want to find my missing part, you stand against me."

I don't let him answer and storm to the door that belongs to one of the exits of the palace. I greet the guards and walk through the front yard. A fountain is set in the center with water sprouting from the stop. Lilac colored wisteria were threaded around the fountain itself. I made my way to the town and to my hair dresser's shop.

"Good morning, Calynn," I greet her. She looks up from her book. "Why, what a surprise. I wasn't expecting you for another hour." I laugh and give her a hug. "Yes well, I was wondering if you could fit me in now."

"Well of course," she guides me to the chair. "Now, what will we be doing today?" She ruffles her fingers in my hair while I think about it. 

"I want to change the color of my hair. Something that would make me unrecognizable. Different."

She laughs and studies my features. "I have an idea but you must be up for it. It won't be traditional Maliha." I think about it for a second before answering, "What do you have in mind?"

"Well, traditionally everyone goes blonde or brunette but I was thinking with your complexion, we go silver. Now, I think even if you are more on the tan side, it would still look wonderful. It would also compliment the dawn court dresses. I have a sample of the color somewhere..."

She goes to her desk and ruffles through her samples. "Ah, here it is." She hands it to me. "Now we don't have to go all the way silver. Your roots are so dark they could pass for as black, we could incorporate the silver into it."

I inhale a deep breath. I could be a new person. The whole walk over I was going through the conversations that occurred today and realized one thing. If I wanted to find who I am and figure out why I felt like something was missing, I would have to do it on my own. I would have to leave the Dawn court just like Aunt Lucy and mom did. To do that, I had to look somewhat different. 

I look up and through the mirror, I make eye contact with Calynn. "Do it." I state. She giggles and claps her hands excitedly. I guess there's no going back now. 


	2. Chapter 2

I walk back to the palace nervously, fidgeting with my fingers. I loved my hair but this was different. In the centuries I have lived, not once have I strayed away from the ranges of blonde to dark brown. I suppose this could be considered a shade of blonde. I didn't stop at just coloring my hair either, I had chopped off most of it. My hair going was to the end of my back and now? Well it was to my shoulders. 

I figured it was best for my travel instead of having to worry about my long hair. I know my cousin will be surprised to see this look. Oh, Aunt Lucy will freak. 

I arrive at the palace and make my way to the entrance nearest to my room. A guard stops me, "Excuse miss. State your business." I laugh, "Matthew, it's me. Maliha." 

He looks at me as if I grew two heads and then steps back shocked. "I'm sorry milady. You look very different." I laugh again and place my hand on his shoulders as I step pass, "Not to worry, that was the goal."

I quickly walk to my room, making sure to avoid the servants. It's not that I didn't want to talk to them but I couldn't. I had to pack my things before my cousin returned. Now was the best time to do so. 

Opening the door to my room, I call out, "Anna... Celia?" No answer. _Good. I am alone._ I walk straight to my closet, opening the door and grabbing my fighting leathers. Slim white leather pants following a leather white tunic placed on top. I grab the blush corset vest and tighten it on top of the tunic.

Walking over to my dresser, I open the drawer I rarely use and pull out my white belt looking at the loops and straps. I've never put on armor alone. This was all new but I could manage. I place it on the floor and step inside with both feet and begin to pull it up. I tighten it around my waist, then grab a separate holster for my right leg. Lifting my tunic skirt to place it around my thigh, I grab a knife and place it on the strap. Then place the separate knives in the belt.

I then go back to my closet to open a secret compartment grabbing my quiver with arrows already inside and swinging it, so it's settled across my chest. A secret small knife hid in a compartment on the strap just in case. I grab my bow and place it on my bed. 

Startling, I hear a knock on the door. _Dammit. Maybe if I keep quiet, they'll think I'm taking a midday nap._ Just in case, I walk into my closet grabbing my bow and quietly shut the door. My back against the wall so if they open the door, I will be blocked from their view. 

The door creaks open and footsteps are heard on my tile floors. Then they stop. "Maliha!" I hear a voice call out. Not just any voice, Aunt Lucy. "Maliha darling, come out. I know you're here. I brought something for your journey."

_Journey? How did she know?_

I emerge out of my hiding spot. Opening the door and meeting her smiling face. "How did you-" I start but she interrupts. "Oh please child. I know you better than you think. Did you really think I would let you leave without saying goodbye?"

She sits on my bed and I take a seat next to her. "I'm sorry. I should've told you this morning but the truth is I didn't even know I was going to do this really until Thesan told me I couldn't leave. I need to leave Lucy. I can't stay here. I can't. Something is missing. I could feel it. It's like it's there but I can't grasp it."

She takes my hands in hers, "You don't need to explain yourself dear, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I'm not here to hold you back, I'm here to tell you to go. Do not look back until you've found yourself."

"Do you think mom would be mad I was leaving? After everything she went through because of me?" I ask. Aunt Lucy laughs, "Oh mother no. She would be ecstatic that you turned out so much like her. Adventures and all. Now I packed you this small bag, it's light. It has fruit and a canister of water that should last you a couple days. Remember to be careful in other courts, some might think you are trespassing." I nod and grab the pack and place it on my back. 

We both stand and I give her a hug, "I'll be back soon Aunt Lucy." She rubs my back, "Not too soon I hope." There's a small pause. "Now, you have to get going before Thesan comes back." I nod and let go. Grabbing my bow I make my way to the door and open it. I paused for a second to turn back around but shake my head and make my way out. 

Checking both sides of the hallway, I see that it's empty. I quickly turn right and speed walk down. Looking over the corner, I see there are two guards making their way down. 

_Damn it._

"Did you see that?" I hear one of them ask. Well no turning back now. I turn the corner and walk towards. "Oh Lady Maliha, I thought I saw someone. Why are you in armor?"

"Thesan has requested me at the army base. Something about strengthening the wards of the court." I say in confidence. "Very well, do you need a guard to escort you?" I shake my head, "No need. Is my horse awake?"

He nods, "Yes milady, he was just fed moments ago." 

I say my thanks and make my way to the stables. I find my house walking in his box stall within the table. "Hey moon," I greeted. My mother gifted me a horse as white as snow before she passed 5 years ago. It was a newly born one and I named it moon because I loved all things night related though I lived in the dawn court. 

There was something about the night sky that has always intrigued me. My mother joked it was because my father belonged to the Night Court itself. The moon always shines in the darkness. It's like a beam of some sort of hope. And when the clouds try to block it, to conceal its light, it shines through. 

He neighs in response and I unbuckle his leash. Grabbing some carrots from the bin, I place it in the sack that's on him when I travel. I grab his saddle and begin buckling on him. "Come on, moon," I say, guiding him out by his leash. Climbing on top, my feet settle in their place and Moon begins walking. I kicked his side and he quickened his pace to running. 

_No looking back now._

Hours had passed and I wasn't sure how long I had been on the road but I was getting tired. It was Sundown. I could winnow but I haven't done it with Moon ever since he grew from a pony to a horse. I maybe could but I was too tired. I needed to rest. "Moon, slow down," I say as I pull on the leash. 

I take in my surroundings. It was dark, too dark to see. I make Moon stop and hop off grabbing the saddle and guiding him to a nearby tree, sitting down. He does as well, laying his body against the tree as I lay against him. "Get some rest Moon, we'll continue our journey at sunrise," I whisper and close my eyes waiting for the darkness to take over me. 

***

I open my eyes to see the morning sun shine on me. It's been a few weeks since I started my journey. The light was so bright. The green color of the forest was healthy and bright. The sky was blue and clear. No clouds were blocking the sun. The birds were chirping and I saw a few small animals roll by. 

I open the bag on Moon and take out a carrot, feeding it to him while I eat some berries Lucy had packed for me. Our food was running low and so was water. I used my hunting skills to hunt a few animals for dinner, remembering how to start a fire with food. We found streams of water from time to time. But I knew if we did not reach land soon, we would starve. I had taken off my tunic at one point, placing it through the loop of the bag on Moon for safe keeping. The weather was now very hot for me. Leaving only my corset on, the chilling of the wind was more than welcomed. 

I wish I knew how long it was until I reached the Day Court. I think I neared it. I had too. I hoped so. 

"Ready for the day?" I ask Moon. He neighs in response. After finishing our quick breakfast, I climb on top of him and he gets on his hoofs. 

We begin walking for a bit, still going north. Lucy said her and mom went north until they reached the Day Court, so I decided to make my journey there. I knew someone in the day court, maybe they would give me shelter for the time being. 

I wish I knew what I was looking for, it would make this trip much easier but I had no clue. It was just an intuition I had. What happens if I never find what I look for? Should I go back to the dawn court and accept my life the way it is? Or do I never stop searching even if it kills me?

What of a mate. I haven't found mine yet. I haven't even looked. I knew he wasn't in the dawn court, he couldn't be. I've lived there my whole life and never felt anything. Or maybe he was and it didn't click yet. 

A few more hours of walking across the emerald forest, and I knew Moon was tired. To relieve some pressure, I jumped off and walked next to him. I sighed, feeling stupid not realizing exactly how long this would take but grateful I had Moon to make time go by faster not only by speed but company wise as well. 

I look up and see borders. _Day Court. It had to be._ I giggle and stop Moon, climbing on. "Come one Moon, let's go pay an old friend a visit." 

***

I walk through the court watching as the people walk by. There were buildings where people inside were inventing with the most random objects. Children running past, giggling and playing. The sun was in full beam. The wind was gushing past. People were nodding my way astonished by a stranger. 

As I walk, I feel a tug on my leg and stop. Looking down, a beautiful dark-skinned little girl was looking at me. Her dark brown hair was made into miniature buns on the top of her head. She was wearing a white dress embroidered with gold streaks. I kneel down to her height. 

"Hello," I say. She looks back and looks at a woman -I'm assuming it was her own mother- and the woman nodded. She turns back around and says, "Hello. Can I touch your horse?" 

I laugh and turn to look at Moon motioning him over and to bend his head. Turning back to the little girl, I say, "Of course you can. Don't be afraid. He's very gentle. Can I have your hand?" She nods and places her hand on mine. I guide her to the top of Moon's head and let her guide it down. He neighs and she giggles. Children look our way and I motion them over. 

They all begin getting permission from their parents and make their way over to me. Touching Moon from all sides. He neighs but doesn't back away. I stand and step back admiring the children. 

"You're not from around here, are you?" A woman says as she appears next to me and hands me a drink. I graciously take it from her hands, "Thank you and no I'm not. I'm just passing by visiting an old friend." She nods in understanding, "Well, it seems the children love your horse, stay as long as you like. My name is Jendayi. The little girl who came up to you is my daughter, Zuria." 

I turn to her and hold out my hand. She takes it as I say, "I'm Maliha. It's nice to meet you. Can I ask you the direction to Lord Helion's palace?" She looks taken aback, "Lord Helion? Well, just follow the path straight ahead for a few minutes or so and turn right."

A deep laugh is heard behind us, "No need. I'm right here." I turn to see Helion. His dark skin glistening in the sun. Onyx hair flowing in the wind. A crown of gold atop his head. 

I laugh as I walk towards him. He holds out his hands, "Maliha." I giggle as I wrap my hands around him, "Helion. I've missed you." He chuckles against my skin, "As have I."

We pull away and he nods to his people. "It seems like they have taken a liking to Moon," he states. I nod, "It seems so. I never had a chance to thank you for him." He shakes his head, "No need. Your mother was one of my good friends."

We watch the children for awhile before he turns and beckons me to follow him, "Come, it's been a long journey I suppose from the Dawn Court. How about we get some food in you?" 

"That sounds amazing," I turn around. "Zuria!" I call out. "Take good care of Moon for me while I'm away, sounds okay?" She nods excitedly, "Yes ma'am." I nod to Jendayi and she nods back mouthing a _Thank you._

We arrive at a little restaurant within the town and the cook insists on cooking a special meal for his High Lord and I. I thank him as he walks away. 

"Now," Helion starts. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit. Or is this business." I laugh, shaking my head. "Absolutely no business please. Well, I left the Dawn Court..."

"You what?" he interrupts, a shocked expression on his face.

"Helion, ever since my mother's passing, I've felt hollow. Not only from grieving but I feel as though something is missing and I decided I had to leave the Dawn Court. I asked Thesan if I could journey along with a few guards but we got into an argument and he refused. I didn't want to leave but I had too. I felt suffocated. Please understand. You can not tell Thesan I am here or I ever was."

He looks at me and sighs. "I understand." Now it was my time to be shocked, "You do?"

He nods, "I do. I don't know if your mother ever told you this but there was a time when her and a woman named Lucy decided to leave the Dawn Court. They came right here. Mind you, I was a young child when this occurred. But my father and mother knew your grandparents and knew your mother as well. Your mother stayed here for a few. My parents covered for her because they knew how rough your grandfather was. My own mother sympathized with yours. At dinner one night, I asked her why she left and she said she felt as though something was pulling her out of the dawn court. That to truly be herself, she needed to leave."

Just as he finishes speaking, a server brings our food. I thank him and he walks away. "Well, like mother, like daughter I guess," I say to Helion. 

"Stay here as long as you wish," Helion says, placing a piece of meat into his mouth. "You seem in need of a bath and proper bath, as well as a change in clothes." I thank him and we continue to eat in silence with casual conversation here and there. 

***

Helion's palace was beautiful. The exterior was white and high, gold streaks that flow to gold leaves embedded into the design. A walk way surrounded the castle with an array of pillars. The interior, graceful and enchanting, was also white with gold. The first thing you see were also pillars standing in a line holding up the palace. Chandeliers hung between every other pillar. Straight ahead, two staircases come from both the right and left to meet up in the center. 

I was walking down a corridor after walking up the stairs, following one of Helion's guards to a guest room. It had vases placed along the side of the windows with torch lights in between each set. 

I admire the castle in awe until we arrive at the door I suppose is my bedroom. The guard opens the two white doors and steps aside to allow me in. I gasp as I take in the room. 

On the floor was an ivory white carpet with a beige pattern. A bed was placed in the center, the left side of the bed facing the door. On the bed was a white quilted comforter. In front, white bench with gold legs. In front of that, two individual sofas were placed to slightly face each other, a white coffee table in between. On the walls behind the bed, were gold mirrors which held two candles on either side. Finally, a gold chandelier on the roof between the bed and sofas. 

"Do you need anything Lady Maliha?" the guard asks. "Water will be great, I'm quite thirsty. Have you any word on my horse?" 

"He's in the stables being fed and washed, a guard picked him up earlier. There was also this letter attached that accompanied your horse." He hands me the letter. "I'll be back with your beverage." He bows and walks out the door, closing it to give me some privacy. 

I go straight to the washroom and strip myself of my armor. The feeling of the weight coming off rushing over my body. I walk over to the bath turning it on letting the water fill up as I take in my appearance. 

I didn't look bad except for the bags under my eyes and my face darkening due to the exposure to the sun. I sigh and set my hands down on the counter. "What am I doing mom?" I whisper to myself. 

Shaking away from my thoughts, I sink into the bath, gasping and groaning as the heat of the water relaxes the muscles in my body. I lean against the bath for just a moment to allow the water to do it's work. Then I begin washing my hair. I could feel the soap removing the dirt. Finally, I scrub my body. 

As soon as the water becomes cold, I step out and wrap myself in the white towel hung on the hook. I see a white nightgown on the bed accompanied by a gold robe. A note written on top. 

**_Allow me to give you this as a welcoming gift. I know you will look ravishing in it._ **

**_-Helion_ **

I smile and laugh lightly. Helion and I once shared the bed years ago. We were at a party held in the Summer Court and had a few too many drinks which led to a night in the same room.

After wearing the nightgown, I set the rob on the sofa and climbed into bed. My freshly washed body with the feeling of soft sheets made me giggle. I loved Moon but he was not comfortable to sleep against. I grab the letter on my nightstand where I left it before I took my bath and opened it. 

**_To mystery lady,_ **

**_Thank you for trusting me with your horse. We had a lot of fun. If you decide to leave soon, can you come by to say goodbye? I understand if you can't. My mother and I placed some carrots and other vegetables for him in his bag for your travel as well as some for you as well. Well, anyways, if you can't come say goodbye, tell him goodbye for me. I hope to see you again one day._ **

_**-Zuria** _

That night, I slept with a huge smile on my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! I hope you like this fanfic thus far. Please don't forget to leave a kudos or comment. I would love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Love xxx


	3. Chapter 3

***TW: Violence Ahead***

It's been about a week since my coming to the Day Court. I was dressed in a plain white gown with a scarf of gold draped across my shoulder. The dress had a sweetheart neckline and was fitted at my waist but loose all the way down. 

Helion has been a gracious host, showing me around the court. I was walking down the white corridor to meet him for breakfast. Servants greet me as they walk by. 

Moon was with Zuria this morning, I asked a guard to send my horse to her in the morning before we set off on our journey as a chance to say goodbye. 

When I reached the door of the dining room, it was open. Helion sitting at the far end of the table, a few papers scattered on top. He was already eating his breakfast as I made my way towards him. My heels click on the tile floor which causes him to look up and stand. 

"Lady Maliha," he says, kissing both my cheeks. "Helion, good morning." He pulls out the chair on his right for me to sit. I thank him. A servant is quick to get my meal and I thank them also. 

"So, you're leaving today?" He asks drinking from his gauntlet. I nod, placing a piece of egg in my mouth. "I can't thank you enough for all of this. Everything you've done but I should get going." He nods in understanding, "No need to apologize darling, I understand. But where will you go?"

I think for a second before answering. "I'm not sure. I might continue heading up north." He sighs, "Maliha, north is the Night Court. It's dangerous there. And word is something's coming. Something big." I look at him confused. 

"Is that what those papers are about? And Thesan has been getting his armies ready. Are we about to have another Great War Helion?" He leans back in his chair, hand on his head. "I'm not sure. No one knows what is going on. But we heard it's coming from up north near the Night Court. Maybe it's best if you stay here or go back home. Just to be safe."

I shake my head, "No. I don't know. I can't explain it Helion but I can feel something pulling me North. When I came here, it felt closer. And I've felt more free than ever. I just can't-"

"Go back," he interrupts then laughs. "You really are your mother. Very well. I'll have my servants bring up your washed armor as well as fill your bag for some food for the road." I thank him and we finish our breakfast. 

***

Walking back to my room, I see my clothes on the bed left for me. I smile as I look at my armor. It was my mother's. Her favorite to be exact. On the day of the Great War, she wasn't going to fight because she was recovering from an illness. But before I left to meet with the armies, she came into my room with this exact armor in hand. 

_I hear a knock at my door as I fix the belt on my waist. "Come in."_

_The door opens and I see my mother, an armor in hand. "Mom what are you doing? You are not fighting. I won't allow it." She laughs. "This isn't for me baby, it's for you."_

_"Me? But I already have my own armor." She nods and sits on my bed, "I know but I wanted to give you this and I hoped you would wear it. It was my own when I was younger. Many great battles were fought in it."_

_I sit on the ground next to it admiring it. Blush pink and white. Mom's favorite colors while I wore red. "Mom, don't you want to keep it just in case?"_

_She shakes her head, "No darling. I want it to be yours. When I was younger, my father was going to give me an armor in a similar shade of red to what you're wearing but I didn't want it. So, I asked my mother to make the armor in white and pink. There was too much red on the battlefields already. I didn't want to wear armor in the same color. I needed some sort of light. A hope that the lives I was taking was worth it. For me? It was these two colors. White just represented purity and hope. The pink was just because it was my favorite color. Especially when this shade occurs in the dawn sky._

_When you were younger, I used to take you to the tower of the palace as soon as dawn is about to begin and we used to watch the entire thing. You always were astonished by how much color could be shone in only a couple hours. Your favorite was when it was this shade of pink with some white and shades of blue. For you, I chose this color. Because when I fight Maliha, I fight for you. To come back to you. You're my world."_

_She wipes the tears that come out my eye as I listen to my mother. "Mom," I whisper. "I'm scared I'm not going to come back." She pushes my hair back. "You will. You are my child. A warrior. A fighter. If you died, it would feel like a part of me died. So promise me Maliha. Promise me, you will fight. You won't back down. You do not back down to no one. You do not bow to no one. Do you understand?"_

_I nod and she pulls me in for a hug. I wrap my hands across her waist, listening to the sound of her heartbeat and memorize it, just in case._

I wipe my eyes from the tears that have escaped from the memory and sit on the bed, picking up my pink corset and hugging it to my chest. Looking up I say, "Please give me a sign that I'm close. Please." 

***

"Maliha!" Zuria says running towards me. I giggle and kneel down, opening my arms to allow her to jump in them. I wrap my arms around her and pick her up. "Hello beautiful," I laugh. After a second or two, I set her down. 

"Is it true your really leaving?" she asks with a pouty face. I nod, "Yes darling. But I'll make you a promise. On my way back home, Moon and I will stop by here. Sound good?" She nods excitedly. 

"We will miss you here. I kept good on my promise and placed some food for your journey," Jendayi says wrapping her arms around me. I hum as I hug her back. "As will I. Thank you for everything." 

I climb atop of Moon and look down at Zuria who's hugging her mother's legs and waving goodbye. I wave goodbye and kick my heel on Moon. He sprints off in a run. People laughing and moving out of his way. A shouts of goodbyes are said from the town as I turn back to wave at them. 

Running back into the forest, the hot sun shines on my body. I decided to leave my tunic off and wear only the corset. It was beautiful out. Yes, it was hot but the wind made up for it. The gushing cold wind flowed through my hair and body. The birds flew by me and chirped. I admired them. 

I always wondered what it would feel like to fly. To soar through the air. To truly feel the wind inside you. Was it as free as it looks? Is it heavy to have wings? 

Maybe one day I'll be as free as birds. 

I also wonder about the sky. Some days it's as blue as the sea. Other days the blue could be covered by endless amounts of white clouds. And it changes all the time in so many different colors. It goes from the colors of dawn -pink, blue, purple, orange, red, even yellow- to a clear sky -or depending on the day a maybe a clouded one- to sunrise and finally to the dead of night. Colors of all shades appear in the sky, it doesn't miss one. 

It's not definite. It's interchangeable and it never seems to care what one wants. Whether you want a sunny day sky or a cold winter sky, it does what it pleases. And no one could change it or predict it. 

Or maybe it's the weather. Will it shine as hot as fire? Breeze as cold as ice? Rain? Thunder? No one ever knows. 

Yes, Mother Nature controls these aspects but what of when nature decides to make the sky as blue as the sea with faint clouds along it and let it rain? Three very different aspects of nature but yet come together to make something actually beautiful. 

I close my eyes and listen to Moon's hoofs colliding with the grass and the sound of nature, savoring every second of it.

*** 

With winnowing and Moon's fast strides, we made the border of the Night Court in two days time. I was tired, no doubt. But the closer we got, the more something was pulling me. I couldn't wait so I winnowed. It was a terrible idea; so much energy left my body. 

I was laying on Moon's back as he walked. We woke up about hours ago and have been on the road since. The journey into the Night Court would be somewhat difficult as it was full of mountains but it was worth it. 

I take in my surroundings. It was dull, no one around. Probably due to the fact that the Night Court actually was under the mountain. I knew we had to climb up the hills soon to get to it. 

"I have no idea which way to go Moon," I confess as I stare into the sky where the sun is beginning to fade.. He neighs in response. 

Just then, I hear voices of men coming from nearby. _Maybe that's where the entrance is._ I kick the heel on my boot once again and Moon begins to sprint to the noise. The noise gets louder as we fly through the forest. When we get so close that they're practically a small distance away, I slow Moon down and hop off. 

"Hello?" I call out. We turn a corner and I see a group of men crowded in a circle. I open my mouth to say something but as soon as one of the men steps out of the way, step away in horror at the sight. 

In the center a fae male was in the center of the circle beaten to a pulp and the men around him were laughing. Some are still kicking them. One man bends down and grabs him by his shoulders to slam him on the tree. I grab Moon and tell him to keep quiet, hiding behind a tree and holding my bow tight, pulling up my hood. I kneel on the ground and reach to my quiver and grab an arrow, placing it on the nock. I wait a bit before pulling my arrow back. 

"Who do you serve?!" The male yells in the terrified fae's face. The fae swallows heavily before saying, "Rhysand. The High Lord of the Night."

A blow to the gut by another male. "Who do you serve?" The same answer repeats. It repeats several times before the fae cries out, "Amarantha. I serve Amarantha."

_Amarantha? Is this who or what everyone's been afraid of?_

He lets go of the fae's body watching it fall to the floor before another fae steps in and holds out a blade, slashing the fae's throat. The fae's hands go to his throat as his body hits the floor. I let out a gasp almost a small screech. 

They look around and I hide my body. "What was that?" 

"Is anyone out here?" One calls out. I hold my bow tightly. "Come out, come out wherever you are. We won't bite."

I slowly stand and motion for Moon to quietly follow me. We make it a little ways away and I hop on him. "Go Moon," I whisper, setting the bow and arrow down on his body. The arrow is just resting on the bow for easy access. I hear steps behind me and I curse myself. "Moon go!" I say a little louder. He starts to gallop. 

I hear the men laugh like this is some sort of sick game. My heart begins to race so quickly, I feel like it's going to burst out of my chest. 

"You won't get far!" I hear them say. _For the love of the Cauldron, Mother help me._

I steer my horse left to try and get them off my path. Continuing going straight would be a rookie move. The trees sway in the wind. I hear owls hooting. The leaves make crisp sounds of whooshing as we fly past them. The sound of branches crunches beneath Moon's hoofs. My panting is getting louder. 

I slow Moon down to a trot when I don't hear the steps coming from behind me anymore. I let out a sigh and tried to see through the dark sky. It surely was much more beautiful in the night court but I couldn't pay too much attention to it because I needed to find a safe shelter and fast.

As we run, I continuously look back to see if they were on my trail and it seems like I have lost them. I turn back around. 

In a flash, a horse comes across our path straight ahead and I pull on Moon's leash to bank right but another horse stopped there. Moon begins to neigh uncontrollably. We were surrounded. 

"Well well what do we have here?"

"A pretty female."

"Come on sweetheart, we don't bite."

One by one they come off their horse and I grab my bow and arrow, quickly releasing a bow into one's shoulder. He groans in pain and rips out the arrow. "You," he snarls. "Kill her."

I shot arrows at the three in my view but didn't see the male behind me as I felt him grab the end of my tunic and rip me off my horse. Moon cries out. "Moon, run!" I yell and he does. A male begins to go after him but one says, "Leave it. It's a horse, we have her." 

My head hits the hard stale ground as I fall. I let out a groan. Before I had the chance to recover, a male gets on top of me and wraps his head around my throat. I fight back. Thrashing underneath him. I manage to get my left leg, bring it up around his neck and push him back. He loosened a bit and I kicked him square in the face. He falls back in a groan as I quickly stand, coughing.

I get into a fighting stance with my left feet planted in front of my right. Both hands in fists with my thumb on the outside to ensure I won't break it. I bring them up not directly in front of my face, but a little down and away. 

A male charges at me and throws a punch but I'm quick to kneel and throw a left hook into his ribs then take his arm that he threw to twist it around his back. Pulling him in front of me I use him as a shield and allow for the next male to hit him instead before I throw him aside and jump, twisting my body in the air, hitting the side of his face with my foot. 

There were about 8 males and three are now down on the ground. Five remaining but three injured my by arrows. The fourth male comes at me, his shoulder injured by my arrow so I know exactly what to do. 

Grabbing his injured shoulder, I twist it and palm his shoulder, dislocating it before kicking him to the ground. The fifth man ran and I laughed at how easy this is but distracting myself as he managed to right hook me in the ribs. I let out a groan but am quick to recover when I return the favor. Grabbing the side of his head, I slam it into the ground.

Not really having a life at the Dawn Court, I spent most of my time with the armies, sparring with the soldiers. These men were not soldiers. They were like toddlers.

But what I didn't see was one coming up behind me and hitting me in the head with some sort of heavy object. I yell and fall to the ground. The same male gets me up and slams on a tree, hands around my throat and squeezing. I groan and thrash but I know he hit me hard because I couldn't focus. My vision was beginning to get hazy. 

A male came up next to him and hit me in the gut over and over again. I yelled and screamed. But no one helped. No one seemed to be around. All they did was laugh. When I finally began losing consciousness. They let me go and I fell on the ground.

A man raised his leg and slammed it against my knee and I screamed so loudly the birds rustled in the trees and flew. I felt them kick me in my gut, ribs, and anywhere they could until one of them laughed and ordered them to stop. He stood on top of me, both legs on either side as I sobbed in pain. 

He laughed and crouched down. A blade sliding down my face, "Shhh. A pretty lady like you shouldn't cry." He then leans into my ear. "But you did hurt my men so... cry all you want but I want to hear you scream."

Just then I feel the blade enter my stomach and I do scream. He twists and turns it in and I continue screaming. Until I feel myself get weaker. My mind is hazy. My throat is drying up. My eyes roll back to my head.

And I am met with darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I hope you liked this chapter! Please be sure to leave a kudos and comment. Next chapter will be in Az's POV!
> 
> Lovexxx


	4. Chapter 4

**Azriel's P.O.V**

"Azriel, what's going on? Any word from Rhysand?" Cassian asks me standing in the doorway. I shake my head, "No, I'm gonna go fly over to the Court of Nightmares to see if I can see anything."

"Want me to come with you?" I shake my head. "No, patrol here. Be alarmed, we might have to strictly lockdown Velaris. I don't believe Rhys is coming back any time soon. It's up to us now."

He nods as I walk out and go into the open air. It was very early. The sun had just come up. It was colder today than any other day. I think it's because darkness has spread over the Night Court. One we haven't seen before. Rhysand insisted on going to the Court of Nightmare's alone and wouldn't take anyone with him. It's been 3 weeks since we heard anything.

My shadows are more frantic than usual, whispering about something horrible coming. I've been trying to avoid them but it's hard seeing as they never go away.

I let out a sigh and shot up into the air. Spreading my wings, I bank right. Looking down at Velaris, I see the people here are laughing. Safe. Happy. And I intend to keep it that way.

The air flows through my wings and I shudder from the feeling slightly. The sun was covered by the clouds, but this time more than normal. It was like they were trying to block the sunlight. Or maybe it was nature's way of warning us that something, or someone, would be taking away all the light in Prythian.

In a matter of seconds, I fly past the force field that keeps Velaris hidden. Looking back all I see are mountains and forrest, what every person sees. But what they do not know was there was a City of Dreams hidden from the world. Kept a secret. But we are not going to share this secret any time soon.

It wasn't only a secret city. But it was my home. A home I would protect till my dying breath.

Flying out towards the Court of Nightmares, I stay low. But near the top of the mountains, careful not to show myself. The cold wind became colder as I near it.

I hear a group of fae men laughing and galloping on their horses towards the Mountain which houses the Hewn City and I quietly soar downwards. I grasp the mountain at the side then let go. Letting my wings flap as I stay in one place, looking over to the men.

"Well that was interesting," A man laughs. Another one joins in, "I was hoping to have a little more fun with the female but the attitude of hers."

"You're telling me, I think she broke my arm," one man says holding his shoulder. "We should have brought her back to Amarantha," the first one says. A new man shakes his head, "No, she would have been furious we killed her and she couldn't have her fun. Have the High Lords been sent the invitation Cornelius?"

The second man, whose name has been revealed as Cornelius, nods his head. "They are due to arrive in 2 days time. And then the real fun begins."

They chatter as they enter the mountain. My rage engulfs me and I prepare to soar inside it, ripping them limb from limb but something holds me back. My shadows tell me to go back to Velaris and warn the others. To tell them to never leave Velaris. To tell them Rhysand was gone and we must keep our promise of keeping Velaris safe for him.

I sigh and turn around, my back facing towards the mountain I assume my brother was in. He would want this. Right? I begin to fly away from the mountain but stop in my tracks. I can't leave Rhys in there.

**_Don't turn around._ **

I hear a voice in my head. Rhysand.

_Rhys, you're alive._

**_I am. Now go back to Velaris._ **

_I can't leave you there alone. I'm coming._

A silence. For too long. I groan and turn my body around.

**_Azriel, I said go back. I'm fine. But I need you to go back to Velaris and protect it._ **

_Rhysand, what's going on?_

**_Amarantha, she's calling the High Lords in for a meeting but I think it's a trap._ **

_We can fight back, let me get Cassian and the Illyrians._

**_No. Her armies are too big. Azriel as your High Lord, I command you to go back to Velaris, keep the city hidden, and do not come out until I return and deem it safe._ **

_When will you return?_

**_I don't know if I will._ **

I wait a few moments but nothing has come to my mind. I have to get back to Velaris. But what will I tell the others? Life as we know it has been destroyed? We may never see Rhysand again. Mor won't like the sound of it.

Maybe that's what the clouds were warning us of. That Prythian will witness dark days soon to come. Or maybe that's why the winds have grown restless, blowing the leaves harsh fully off the trees.

Though winter was coming. There would be no joy and cheer this year. Only chaos and destruction.

Coming near the border of Velaris, I decide to stay a while onlooking the border in case any of Amarantha's men come near. They won't be able to get inside the city.

To any normal fae, it would look like just miles and miles of mountains and forest. Not the beauty of lights that shine throughout. Or the sound of children laughing and playing on the road. Or the rivers whose water glistens with the night sky. Or the shops, where creations of beauty are sold and made. Maybe even the nightclubs, where terrible decisions of fun occur.

It was home and I would sacrifice myself before anyone learns about and tries to take it away. And that is what Rhysand is doing. Sacrificing himself for Velaris and for us, his family. And his one wish was that we wouldn't intervene.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a sound on the ground. My head shoots over to where it's coming from and it was a white horse frantically galloping. I swoop down to it.

I stop a little ways in front of him and place my hand out for it to stop. My shadows became unsettled. It whines and neighs and it's front hooves up in the air and slams back down with a thud.

The horse snorts and shakes its head. I walk towards it and guide my scarred hand from the top of it's head to its snout. He whines. Something's scary... him. It's definitely him.

His head bobbs uncontrollably and I try to calm him down but he turns his body and begins galloping to the other side. I look at him confused but begin flying, following the horse.

After a little ways, he stops. Moving his body uncontrollably and I settle next to him. Walking towards him, I face his head. "What's wrong?" I ask it if it will answer me. He neighs and snorts, pointing his snout behind me.

I turn around to find a... a girl? She's hurt. I run towards her and kneel down. Her head was tilted to the right. One of her legs was definitely broken at the knee. One hand clutched on a wound and the other atop her head on the ground. She wasn't moving. Was she dead?

I brought my head to her head, moving it to the left so I could look at her. Her neck was bruised like someone had choked her. Placing my two fingers on her pulse, I wait to see if I feel anything. After a couple seconds, I almost give up until I feel a faint pulse.

I turned to the horse, who was much closer, and he was nudging her leg. This was her horse. 

Should I bring her to Velaris? No. She's an outsider. I can't. Rhysand said never to show Velaris to anyone. I can't leave her here but what if she's one of Amarantha's? No she can't be.

Wait the men. This was the girl they were talking about.

The horse whines and I sigh. Going against every fiber in my body I place my hands under her knee and neck, picking her up slowly. Her weight feels dead -heavy- like a pile of rocks. She hasn't made a sound and I'm afraid if I don't get her fixed up soon she will die.

Looking at the horse, I know I can't leave it behind so I decide I'll walk back to Velaris. I tilt my head motioning it to follow me and it does.

***

Finally in Velaris, I gave her horse to a merchant who I've asked to take care of and he gladly agreed.

Relieved of the horse, I shoot up into the sky and make my way to the House of Wind. It was built in the middle of the largest peak of a red flat top mountain on the northern side of Velaris. It was warded against winnowing so the only way someone could get inside was to fly or walk thousands of stairs. With the horse, I couldn't take it so I had to give it to someone but surely when she walks up, it will be given back. 

But first I had to figure out who she was and why she was near the border. 

I looked down at the woman, whose hair was as dark as night at the top and flowed to silver as the stars. Her skin, a shade of warm tan but glistened with gold. She definitely wasn't from the Night Court. Her armor surely showed it. White with a shade of pink. Could she be from the spring court? Dawn? 

Why would she come here? They were weeks trips away, surely she wouldn't be stupid to leave her safe courts and come to a court where the men are cruel and would take advantage. It was called the Court of Nightmares for a reason. 

Entering the house, I walked towards the dining room where I heard Cassian and Mor's laughter. 

"Cassian!" I call out then hear footsteps. "Azriel, you're back. What of Rhysa-" he stops walking when he sees me and looks down at the woman. "Well?" I hear Mor laugh and enter the hallway but her eyes go wide. 

"Who is that?" she asks. "I don't know. But she's dying." She nods and walks by me, "follow me."

I follow her to a bedroom and place the woman on the bed. Mor looks at the woman and exams her. Cassian follows. "I'll go get Madja," he states and leaves the room. 

"Azriel, get me some towels please and some water," Mor instructs and I do so. Walking to the kitchen, my shadows were whispering, telling me it was wrong of me to bring the mystery woman to Velaris. What if she was a danger to us all? And now she knew of the secret city. 

I shake my head as I fill a bowl with lukewarm water and grab some towels. I set it next to Mor and she takes a towel, dapping it on the woman's forehead. 

Minutes later, Cassian returns with the healer Madja. "Oh my!" she exclaims. "What happened? Who is this?" I shake my head, "I don't know. I found her on the border of Velaris. Her horse led me to her."

"Azriel, you brought a woman you found on the border into Velaris! What would Rhysand say?" Cassian scolds. "I don't know Cassian. I couldn't let her bleed out on the floor, could I?" 

He grunts and folds his arms sitting on the chair in the room. I lean against the doorway as Madja inspects her wounds. She hums. "Well, it was a good thing you did. The wound isn't too deep, I have to clean it and her leg is surely broken. I also have to stitch up her head but I'm sure she'll make it. I'll need some privacy." She looks at Cassian and I. 

Nodding, I leave the room. Cassian follows me as I enter the dining room and sit on a chair. My wings settled. "What were you thinking?" Cassian asks leaning against a wall. I sigh and place a hand on my head, closing my eyes. My shadows were growing restless.

"Cassian, I told you I do not know," I say. He looks down. "Fine, but you better hope Rhysand is okay with this. Speaking of Rhysand, any word?"

He sits down in the chair in front of me. I nod my head, "Yes. He said Amarantha's in Hewn City and she's called a meeting with the High Lords. I'm assuming they think it was Rhys. He thinks it's a trap. He told me to come back to Velaris and stay here. For all of us to stay here. He commands us to stay until he comes back and deems it safe."

He leans his arms on the table, "When will that be?" I shrug, "He doesn't know. Maybe never." 

"Never?!" Cassian yells. "Well then, we'll call on the armies. The Illyrians-"

"No," I interrupt. "I already said that and he said no. Apparently her armies are too big." 

He lets out a groan and leans back. "So, he expects us to sit here and wait?" I nod. 

"That's all we can do and hope Rhys makes it out alive."

***

Hours pass and I'm pacing the floor in front of the room I placed the woman into. Madja finally comes out and looks at me. She lets out a sigh, "Well, she's resting. I patched up her wounds but the injury to her head was more severe than I thought. I don't know if she'll ever wake up."

I nod in understanding. "And if she does?" She shrugs, "There's no telling. She may wake up and be forgetful of who she is. Or she may wake up and remember all. But when she does, be gentle. Don't bombard her with questions. She'll need rest. Loads of it. And she'll also need help getting to her full strength."

I sigh and stare at the doorway. "You did the right thing, Azriel." I look at the healer whom I've known for many years. "I hope so."

I thank her and pay her. Cassian offered to take her home. When she leaves, I enter the women's room. Now dressed in new clothes, Mor's clothes.

She was wearing a red, a shade of red when the sun that replicated the color of roses. It was two sets, her abdomen free of any clothes. The top reached the end of her breasts, the sleeves freely flowing and see-through. The bottom, a pair of puffy pants whose belt was a darker shade of red around her waist. 

Her face was much cleaner, free of any dirt and she was in fact very beautiful. A white bandage was wrapped around her head to cover the wound and one on her abdomen.

"Do you trust her?" Mor asks. I look at her confused. "Trust her? I haven't spoken to her."

She laughs. "Azriel, you are the most cautious of us all and you bring a random woman into Velaris. Surely something in you trusts her." I look at the woman. Do I trust her? I shrug. "I don't know. Something in me told me to." 

She nods, "Well, let's hope this works out. Now Rhysand? Any word?" I repeat what I told Cassian to Mor. She looks angry when I'm done. "Of course he would tell us not to help. Does he expect us to just stay here forever? And using his High Lord excuse? When he comes back, I will not hesitate to put my cousin in his place."

I shake my head, "Mor, he's doing it to protect us. Our home. You've seen Amarantha. She butchered her slaves. She was the best general to the King of Hybern." 

She sighs, "Azriel I know. But this is my family you speak of. Our family. We need to help Rhys." I sit on the bed facing Mor, careful not to hurt the woman lying unconscious. "I know. But there's no way of helping him without knowing what we're up against. Who we're up against. I'll wait a week then patrol. See if I can speak with Rhys and figure out what's going on."

"I'll go with you," I hear a voice at the doorway. Cassian walks in and stands behind Mor, who's sitting on a chair, and places a hand on her shoulder. I stiffen slightly. "Mor, he'll be okay. It's Rhys we're talking about." 

She nods, sighing, "So, the girl?" Cassian looks at her, "What about her?" 

"What are we going to do if she never wakes up? How long do we wait? Do we keep her here forever? Or what if she does wake? What do we do? Madja says she'll need help getting to her full strength."

We all look at the Mysterious woman. She look's peaceful, like she's only sleeping. But my shadows felt something else. They felt distressed. Her distress. They whispered words I couldn't decipher. 

Sighing I state, "We'll leave her here until Rhys returns if she doesn't wake by then. He could decide. Maybe he'll put her out of her misery. If she does awake, first we'll see if she's an enemy. If she isn't..."

"We'll train her." Cassian interrupts. Mor looks at him in shock. "We'll get her back to good health and send her home. If she has one."

"What of the secret of the city? If she leaves, it'll be bad for us all if she ever speaks of it," Mor says. I nod. "I'll find a witch to brew something to cause her to forget unless she chooses to stay here forever."

Mor sighs, "Come on. Let's leave her." Nodding Cassian follows her out the room. I stand and begin to walk. 

Looking back one more time, I question whether I did the right thing or put us in danger. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry for the late update, midterms are coming up. 
> 
> Here's Az's pov! Hoped you all loved it
> 
> Please be sure to kudos and comment.
> 
> Also I've decided to update this story on mon/wed unless I have free time on the weekends. And maybe even on other days. Hope you stick around. 
> 
> Love xxx


	5. Chapter 5

_I wake up in an unfamiliar bed. Am I dead? Is this the afterlife?_

_I sit up, groaning, feeling myself in pain. Looking down, I see dried blood on my abdomen, still dressed in my armor._

_I hear giggling outside. Sounds of children. Standing up from the bed, I let out a sigh and walked towards the door. I open it seeing a large area. It was quite dark._

_"Mommy!," a little girl yells with brown hair up in a ponytail. She runs to her mother. "Did you see me mommy? Did you see me?" The mother laughs. "I did sweetheart, go to daddy."_

_The little girl runs to a male with a little boy standing next to him. She hugs his leg and looks up but he doesn't look amused. "Not now," he shoos. He turns back to the boy, "Well come on now, do better."_

_The girl didn't look older than 9 and the boy no older than 7. But he was holding a sword in his hand. The girl's father towering over her like a giant. So young, was all I thought._

_"He's too young," yells another woman looking out towards her son. The man shakes his head, "Nonsense, he will be training next year better to have a head start now. Come on then, grip your sword."_

_"Maliha, come here darling," the first woman calls out. Wait, Maliha? MOM! I run towards the woman and walk in front of her. It was my mother. Younger than I remember but my mom._

_"Mom," I say but she doesn't answer. She doesn't even acknowledge me. "Mom, please. It's me. It's Maliha." I walk up to her and try to place my hand on her shoulder but it ripples through. No._

_"Mom," I sob and fall to the ground. The young girl sits on my mother's lap. Well I guess, I sit on my mother's lap. She looks right at me and raises an eyebrow. Then at my mother and tugs her sleeve._

_"Mom, do you see her?" she asks. My mother stops her conversation and looks to where the younger me is pointing. "See who, Maliha?" Maliha points again. "Her! The lady wearing your armor."_

_She shakes her head and laughs. "Maliha, I think it's time for your nap." My younger self shakes her head, "No mom. I swear she's right there." My mother ignores her and goes back to converse with the mystery woman._

_"You can see me?" I ask. She nods her head in reply. She places a finger on her lips and tilts her head, motioning me to follow her. "Mommy," she looks back at my mom. "Can I go play in the house?" My mother looks at her and nods, "Sure but only only for an hour. Then bath, dinner, and bedtime." Younger self nods and jumps out of my mother's lap._

_She begins running towards the door I came from and motions me to follow. With one glance back at my mother, I begin walking back to the unfamiliar house._

_She opens the door and holds it for me as I walk through it. I looked around the unfamiliar place but it wasn't really decorated. The walls were dull and a few couches laid here. It's like, someone must've abandoned it._

_My younger self went past me and entered a room, I followed. She sat on a bed. The room was much more vibrant. A shade of mauve was the furniture. The walls are a white cream color. She grabs a plush toy in the shape of a wolf and holds it tight._

_Wait, I've seen that somewhere. I know it. But I don't remember where._

_"So, how come my mommy can't see you but I can?" she asks. I shrug my shoulders. "Who are you? You're wearing mommy's armor." I sigh and sit on the bed facing her. "Because your mom gave it to me."_

_She looks at me with a confused expression, "No, it's in her closet. I saw it yesterday." I shake my head. "I meant in the future, I think. Or... I don't know." A silence falls upon us before she asks, "What's your name?" I look at the little girl's eyes, "My name's Maliha." Her eyes enlarge._

_"That's my name too!" she giggles._

_A knock is heard at the door and I look back to see my mother opening the door. "Maliha. Who are you talking to?" She looks around but obviously doesn't see me. My eyes begin to tear up again. Was this the passage to the afterlife?_

_Is this how my mother looked when I was young? Before around the age of 12, I couldn't remember anything. My mom told me it was an attack on the palace which made me hit my head and lose my memories. Which was true, there was an attack on the castle. I remember it._

_She looked so beautiful. Her darker complexion gave off a golden glow. Her eyes a shade of dark brown, darker than mine but glistened in the sun. She was wearing Night Court attire... Night Court? She was wearing a dark blue dress. Plain except for a plunged V-line hung low and a slit down her thigh. Silver accessories hung around her ears, neck, and wrist. She looked alive. Beautiful. Her hair is a shade of dark brown that falls to honey._

_She walks across the tile floors, the click clacking of her silver heels following and sets on the bed next to my younger self and sets her hand on my head, brushing her fingers through my ponytail._

_"No one," Maliha lies and looks at me, trying to hide a smile. "Is it your secret friend?" my mother asks. My younger self nods. "Well, what is your secret friend saying?"_

_"Nothing," Maliha shrugs. "Well. Hello Maliha's secret friend," my mother says aloud. "Hi mom," I say back. Maliha tells her I said hello. "Why can't you see me?" I whisper._

_"She's asking why can't you see her," my younger self says aloud. "Is it important if I do?" my mother asks curiously. I begin to cry. "Mommy, she's crying."_

_"Why is she crying?" My younger self looks at me and back at my mom before she answers, "I think she misses her mom." I laugh slightly at the situation at hand. I was technically with my mother but this was all so confusing._

_"I'm sure her mother misses her very much also," my mother smiles. "I don't think she can go back to her mom," Maliha says. For a little girl, I was quite smart but maybe this was all in my head. "I think her mommy's dead." Maliha begins to tear up and cry. I think in some way she's figured it out. The same names. The fact that I called our mother mom._

_"How long do I have?" she asks me and my heart breaks. My mother hugs her, "How long do you have for what sweetheart." I ignore my mother answering myself, "Not for centuries."_

_She nods. "Would you like me to say anything to her?" I look at my mother. Do I have anything to say? This is my chance, it's a long shot but if this is my dream. She should remember our centuries together._

_"Ask her if she remembers our 16th birthday." Maliha looks at me with confusion but shrugs. "Mommy," she pulls back from our mother. "Do you remember my 16th birthday?"_

_My mother laughs, "16? Honey, you haven't even reached that age."_

_I look at myself, "Ask her if she remembers on my 16th birthday, right before the clock strikes 12 the night before, if she remembers rushing me out of bed. Climbing to the top of the Dawn Court Palace and sitting on the rooftop staring at the sky. She told me that no matter where I was or what I was doing, if I ever needed her for anything to look up in the dark night, and she would send the moonlight to shine my way. And if anything were to ever happen to her that she would be the brightest star watching over me. And as a gift, she gave me a silver necklace with a crescent moon and single star that used to belong to her."_

_My younger self nods and repeats back all the information I told her. While she was talking, it was like a switch had gone off in my mother. Like she remembered. It was like watching a star light who went out, becoming ignited again. My mother wiped her tears away, "I remember. But how. You aren't 16 yet. Unless... No."_

_She looks around the room frantically. "Where is she, Maliha?" my mother asks my younger self. My younger self points my way, "Right in front of you."_

_"Maliha? Well other Maliha? Can you hear me?" I nod and wipe my tears, "Yes, mom. Mom. I'm right here." I reached my hand out to grab her hand and I did. It didn't go through._

_She gasped and looked down at our hands before looking up and meeting my eyes. Taking one of her hands, she guided it towards my face and I melted into it. "Hi mom," I breathe. She looks at me in horror._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_I looked to where younger me once was but she disappeared. It was only me and mom._

_"Maliha, what are you doing here?" she asks once more._

_"I... I left the dawn court." She looks at me, taken back. "You did what? Maliha, it's not safe!"_

_I nod. "I know mom, I know but..."_

_"No," she interrupts. "No, you've been in here for too long. You need to go back." I look at her confused, "No. Mom. I want to stay with you, please."_

_"Maliha, now is no time for arguing! You here, means you're dead. And sweetheart, it's not your time. I would ask what happened. But you've been in here for too long. Time works differently in here," she states grabbing my hand and pulling me off the bed. "Too long? How do you know?"_

_She sighs, "Because I am dead and now I'm able to see you. Earlier, I felt a gush of familiar wind which meant you were fighting but now, you're on the verge of joining me. I know because I still can't see you clearly. You're like a light coming in and out. You need to go, baby. Fight."_

_I shake my head, "No mom. I need to tell you so many things. Please, I need to tell you I'm..."_

_"Maliha, baby, you don't need to say it. We both said things, we didn't mean but you need to go. Open your eyes, Maliha. Open your eyes!"_

_***_

I jolt awake, gasping for air and coughing. "Cassian, she's awake," I hear a voice say. _Cassian?_

"Azriel! Get in here!" the fae known as Cassian yells. And the blonde woman smacks him, "Shh. You're going to give her a headache. You give me one."

She then walks to me and sits on the bed, looking at me. I look at her and the two fae males...no not fae... Illyrian? "Where am I?" I croak out, my throat severely dry.

They all look at each other and Cassian walks out of the room. Within seconds, he's back with a glass of water. He hands it to the woman. "Here," she says, guiding the water to my lips. Using the other hand to place it under my neck and elevate it. For some reason, I trust her. Or maybe it was just because I was severely thirsty.

I drink the water in a matter of seconds. "Thank you," I say, my voice was soft, gentle. She nods and places the glass on the nightstand.

I look down and take in my appearance. My mother's armor was gone. Replaced was a two piece red outfit. The top barely covering my breasts and the sleeves, see-through and flowing. A pair of puffy pants were placed on my legs, a darker shade of red belt across the waist. My abdomen had a white bandage on it, dried blood could be seen through.

_Moon. The men._

"What... what happened?" I stumble on my words as I sit up and pain shoots my body. "Hey," the woman helps me sit up. "Take it easy. Azriel found your horse and it brought him to you. He brought you here and a healer took care of you. Your foot is still a little broken and the wound on your abdomen opened up a week ago but it should be okay now. You had blood coming from the back of your head but it's healed, you may have a concussion. I'm Morrigan but you can call me Mor. That right there is Cassian. And that in the corner is Azriel. You're in the Night Court."

I nod in understanding. "Nice to meet you but why would you bring me here and patch me up? What if I was a danger." The Illyrian, Azriel, shook his head. "I thought the same but I heard men talking about you in the mountains and I realized if you were part of Amarantha's armies, they wouldn't have done this to you."

"What's your name?" Cassian asks. Do I tell them my name? What if when I tell them my name, they contact the Dawn Court and Thesan sends for me. No. No. I didn't come here for nothing.

"Amira," I say, using my own mother's name. "I'm from the Dawn Court." Cassian glances at Azriel. "The Dawn Court? What business do you have coming to the Court of Nightmares?" he asks.

I shake my head, "You wouldn't understand." Mor smirked, "Try us."

Sighing, I confess. "All my life, I've felt like something was missing and that I was an outcast in the Dawn Court. Don't get me wrong, I love my court but I don't know. I was... different... so I left. Took my horse and left. Something kept telling me to go North and that's when I saw the men attack an innocent male. I ran from them but they caught up to me. I managed to take down, I think, four or five, I don't know. But then one came up from behind me and hit me with something hard. One choked me and one stabbed me. Last thing I remember, was them laughing as they left me to die."

Cassian bursts out into laughter and walks out the room. I look at Mor weirdly and she just shakes her head. He comes back with a wine glass in one hand and wine in the other. "You deserve a drink. I'm sorry, you took down five men? On your own? Azriel, how many were there?" Azriel rolls his eyes, "Like 10. I don't know Cassian. It was a month ago."

"Wait, what?" I exclaim. They all shoot their heads in my direction. "Oh, yea," Cassian says scratching the back of his neck. "You've been asleep for a month. We thought you were finally dying since you started hyperventilating and shaking but here you are. Drink?"

I nod. He nods back smiling. Mor laughs, "Cassian, Amira still needs to eat something. Is there anything you don't like?" I shake my head. She nods, "Good, I made chicken and rice. Would you like to eat here or in the dining room?" I answer in the dining room and she stands from the bed.

Cassian hands the wine and cup to Azriel who takes it out of the room and asks if I would be okay with him picking me up since my leg is still healing. I give him my consent and he places his arms under my body, one under my neck and the other under my knees. I wrap my arms around his neck as he hoists me up, careful not to touch his wings.

We walk out of the bedroom to the dining room. It was in the mountains. A house carved inside a mountain? That was new. It had red. wood embedded into it. A large dining table sat in the middle of the room.

I was seated in a chair larger than myself. Chairs made with wings outlines, most likely for the Illyrians but there were three here and only two Illyrians standing before me. Cassian pulls a chair out and brings a small twill stool and places it under the table in front of my leg.

"Thank you," I say softly as I place my leg onto it. He nods in response as he circles the table, sitting next to Azriel.

It was only now in the light was I able to see the two men clearly. They looked powerful. Their bodies covered in plated, dark leather. No weapons in sight but I knew they had some nearby.

Cassian was tall, I knew it from seeing him on the bed. His black hair reached his shoulders. His wings were huge. His skin was tan but fairer than mine. Far fairer. A fair light beige, I would say. His face, rough-hewn. Seven bright jewels were made into his armor.

Azriel, handsome just as Cassian, but a little more the male I would go for. He was also tall but taller than Cassian by maybe an inch. His hair was dark but lighter than Cassian. He had slightly tanned skin. An olive-medium brown. His eyes are a beautiful shade of hazel like honey. His body showed its power and was muscular. Shadows circled the Illyrian. A shadow singer. Interesting. I haven't heard of one in ages. He must be the only one alive. His armor also kept jewels but a blue shade like the brightest ocean. But he has a dagger near his thigh. The only weapon I see near.

Mor comes in with a tray of chicken, the final thing missing from the dinner table.

Mor was beautiful, tan skin like Cassian and full lips. Her body was curvy in the right places, eyes brown like chocolate. Her hair golden like the sun. Her smile shined like a thousand stars.

She finally sits down next to me and the men immediately help themselves but Cassian stops when he sees Mor's stare. He fake coughs and sets the plate he was filling in front of me and I try to stop myself from laughing as he takes my empty plate. Mor nods and hums in satisfaction and I couldn't help but laugh. Mor joins in. Cassian grunts about _women._

"You know, it's good having another woman here. It gets lonely. Amren hasn't visited often lately," Mor states. I look at her intrigued, "Amren?" She laughs, "Oh, you'll meet her soon enough. Trust me."

Cassian pours me wine and we talk casually. Them getting to know me a little better. How the Dawn Court is. I say everything truthfully. I feel bad for lying to them about my name and it may never have been worth it but for now, it was the safest. I couldn't let Thesan know where I was.

"Oh, my horse? Azriel, you said it led me to you?" I ask the silent Illyrian. He nods, "I gave it to a good man in the city, he's taking care of it. Cassian and I have taken turns checking up on it."

"Him," I laugh. "It's a male. His name is Moon." Cassian looks at me, "Well, Moon is strong. I took him out a couple of times. And he was good."

After a few moments, I clear my throat. "So, how come you all are so... nice? I heard the Night Court is filled with nightmares?" They all glance at each other like they did earlier.

Cassian sighs and stands, "Come with me." I stand, steadying myself. With my fae healing, I'm surprised I'm still in a little pain. He comes around and picks me up without asking this time. He takes me out of double doors to what looks like a balcony and sets me down, keeping a hand at my waist to steady me.

Azriel by my right side and Mor to Cassian's left. I look out and am amazed by the sights in front of me. A whole city of starlight was in front of me. A river, which sparkled in the night sky, flanked the city. I could see the buildings from up here but faintly. They looked white and red. Many people walked the streets. 

"Where are we?" I ask, astonished. "Welcome to Velaris, the City of Starlight. It's a hidden city in the Night Court..." I turn to look at Azriel. "And we'd like to keep it that way." I nod, "Of course."

"Could we go down and see it?" I ask. Cassian nods, "Yes but tomorrow. You need one more day of rest for your leg. It would be an insult if your first time's visit in the city is spent in pain." I nod and stare out into the secret city once more. 

I don't know how long I was staring but I felt a presence behind me. "Beautiful? Isn't it," Azriel says. I nod, lost for words. "Come on, you'll get sick. You're barely wearing anything." I look up to the Shadowsinger and nod. 

He leans in grabbing one of my arms and placing it around his neck, carrying me like Cassian has been doing. But he felt different. His hands felt different. Scarred. Horrors probably existed within them. Maybe that's why he was so quiet and felt responsible for his home. 

Why would he bring me here? I could've been a danger to his home. But I wouldn't. No, he did the honor of saving me. When I go back to the Dawn court,

I would do him the honor of keeping this city a secret. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday everyone! And to everyone in Uni, Happy midterm week...haha...haha. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all liked this chapter and trust me when I say Maliha using her mother's name and not her own is important for later in the story. It makes everything more...interesting. 
> 
> Okay I have to go do some midterms. Bye. bye. 
> 
> love y'all 


	6. Chapter 6

I wake up hearing some yelling coming from outside my door and stretch my body. It sounds like Cassian and Mor were arguing about something or maybe just talking...very loudly. I step out of bed, chills covering my lower body. I was wearing Mor's shorts and a very large sweatshirt Azriel handed me last night. Mor didn't have anything fitting because my breasts were larger than hers. I'm pretty sure this sweatshirt belonged to Azriel, it smelled like strong cologne. Earthy too. A sort of musk and amber. 

Before I went outside, I stepped inside the washroom. Washing my face and brushing my teeth with the extra toothbrush Mor had given me the night before. Placing my hair into a messy bun, I looked at my appearance. The bruises on my face were surely disappearing due to my fae healing abilities. My leg also feeling much better but I knew there was training ahead of me to get back to my full strength. Maybe I would ask the Illyrians to help me. Or if they had a training ring somewhere in the big house. 

I walked out of the washroom and the bedroom, walking towards the sounds of the voices coming from the kitchen. "Cassian! You burnt them! Again," Mor says sternly. "Well if you weren't in my way, these wouldn't have turned out like this!' he yells back. I walk silently, "Umm, hello?"

The kitchen was beautiful. It wasn't too big or too small. The walls, a shade of crimson red just like the red of the house.The cabinets are made from stone. Right as you enter in front of you, a stove was in the center of the wall. Cabinets on either side. To the right of the stove and cabinets, an oven is embedded into the wall. Next to it was a double-door pantry. To the left of the wall, more cabinets and an ice box. An island table placed in the middle.

Cassian jumps and Mor turns around quickly hiding whatever was on the stove. "Oh, you're awake. Umm did we wake you?" Cassian asks but Mor smacks him atop his head with a _of course we did_ face. I laugh, "It's okay. I shouldn't be sleeping in too late anyways. So... umm... what's going on here?"

They started looking at each other and began mumbling words I couldn't understand. "They were trying to make you a surprise breakfast," I hear a new voice say. "Amren!" they scold her at the same time and I laugh. "So, you're Amren. I have yet to meet."

Amren was a bit shorter than me, meeting me at the middle of my head, I estimate about 5 ft. She was thin, much thinner than I was. Her skin was smooth and tan, maybe like a medium beige. Her hair was black, silky, straight, and met at her chin. Her eyes were the most beautiful shade of silver, like my hair but I've never seen anyone with silver eyes. Everything about her seemed elegant but though she may have looked slim and tiny, I wouldn't estimate her. She wore an outfit of plain black, a cropped shirt and pants. She looked as if she just got out of bed.

She nods, "yes and you are?" She eyes me up and down. "Amira." She hums and walks out of the kitchen without a second glance. "She'll get used to you," Mor says but I just smile. "I like her already. Now, what were you two trying to make?"

I walk over to them and squeeze in between them and laugh. "Pancakes?" Cassian laughs, "I told you they looked like pancakes." Mor scoffs, "Well they sure don't taste like them, Cassian." I eye the both of them and their feud about pancakes.

"Okay, that's it. Cassian. Get out!" I say pointing to the door. "I'm making pancakes." Cassian tries to say he'll help but I just shoo him outside the door, threatening to hit him with the kitchen towel. Mor laughs but stays in the kitchen turning to grab the coffee grounds. "Do you drink?" she asks.

I nod, "But only iced now. I don't really drink hot coffee much. I don't know, I feel bland sometimes." She looks at me, "Hmm, don't think I've ever tried coffee iced before. Make me some?" I nod and begin making the pancakes as she places the coffee on.

After placing the measurements the way my mother used to do, I begin placing them on the skillet. Cassian walks in and tries to grab one off the plate but I smack his hand away and laugh. I could get used to this. Whoever these people were but I knew I could trust them. They could've killed me when they had the chance. It's not as if I were only asleep for a few days. They could've just also left me for dead in the woods but instead brought me here.

"It's nice having you here. Change of scenery," he says trying to take another pancake. I scoff and let him. "What? Is it boring in this beautiful secret city?" He shakes his head, "No. That's not it but we'll tell you when Az arrives. After breakfast."

I nod and he asks if he could help. I ask him to just place some plates and take out the syrup to the dining table. "Cassian, would you like your coffee hot or iced like Mor and I?" I shout from the kitchen. He calls out iced and I ask Amren but she doesn't want anything. I decided to take out four glasses to make one for Azriel who I haven't seen yet.

I place ice into the cups and then grab the warm coffee, pouring it on top leaving a little room for milk. After placing the milk, I look around their pantry for any syrup flavors they have. I find the vanilla and place a small amount along with honey like my mother used to make.

"Need any help?" I hear a deep voice ask from behind me. I look back and nod at Azriel who wore the same clothes he did yesterday but this time swords were crossed along his back. He walks over and grabs two of the cups as I grab the others. Going back to grab the pancakes.

Cassian didn't waste any time, filling his plate with a stack bigger than Amren. I laughed, "I should've made more." Mor laughs loudly, "Illyrian men are pigs. They eat everything and in large quantities." Cassian growls at her.

I look at Amren and cock an eyebrow, "Are you not hungry?" She shakes her head slightly, "I don't eat basic foods." I study Amren. She's not from this world. She looks fae. But something about her was off. "Are you not from Prythian?" I ask and Cassian chokes on his food, shooting me a questionable look.

She looks at me, wide eyes, "No. I'm not but I can't tell you where I'm from. I don't know exactly where." I nod. I notice her posture, the closed-off aspect as well. It was like she rarely sits with people. "You don't seem scared," Amren confesses, cocking her head to the side. "Scared?" I question.

"Most people are scared of Amren," Mor explains. I laugh. "You don't seem scary. You seem fun but closed off. I can tell. I know that trait well myself." She smiles at me with amusement in her eyes. "Are you not going to ask why people are scared?"

I shake my head, "No. When you want, you will tell me. But I won't go out of my way to pester you." She laughs softly, "I think I'm going to like you, Amira. But don't expect it." I nod, "Well same here."

We eat the rest of breakfast in silence and it seems like I really should have made more breakfast. Noted for next time. Next time? I like the sound of that.

Azriel was quiet, like he usually is but this time something was bothering him. His shadows were restless, it's like they couldn't stay still. I wonder if he ever tells them to go away or if he could. His jaw was clenched and his hands were on fists on the table.

Cassian, Mor and Amren were in the middle of a conversation when I leaned in to Azriel and asked him if he's alright. His only response was to nod.

After about an hour, I had cleaned up the table and dishes. Mor tried to help me but I refused, it was the least I could do for them. My leg was growing stronger by each moment that passed by. Right now, we were in the living room. A large grey sofa was on one side. A loveseat across from it and two individual ones as well. I was seated next to Cassian on the large sofa. Amren sitting on the loveseat spread out. Mor on one of the solo ones.

They all looked tensed up and staring at random things from afar. No one had spoken in 20 minutes.m

Azriel was coming in after being locked in his room while I cleaned. "So," I cleared my throat. "Why do you all look tense?" More silence. "Amren?" I ask knowing she would give up whatever they were hiding. She looked at me with a smirk, "They're trying to figure out how to tell you what's going on in Prythian without freaking you out." Cassian shoots her a glare but she just shrugs. "She asked and she deserves to know. Especially if she can't go back home. Maybe ever."

I look at her baffled. Then at Mor, whose face was looking at the ground, looking guilty. Cassian places his head in his hand. Azriel leaned against the doorway from the entrance of the kitchen. "What is she talking about?" I ask. No response.

I stand up, anger boiling up inside of me. "I said, What is she talking about? If you're worried about me not being able to keep your city a little secret, I won't. I won't repay you like that..."

"That's not the reason," Mor said quietly, shaking her head. "We know you won't tell anyone. We would love to give you the opportunity to go home, if you wish to do so. But we physically can't. It would be like throwing you to a pack of wolves."

"Do you remember what happened before I found you?" Azriel asks out of the blue. I nod. "Do you remember any name they said?"

I try to think back on the events that occurred but everything was hazy. I barely remembered what they said. The loss of oxygen may have had something to do with it. "No..." I begin but then it hits me. "Wait... Amarantha. Before I got hurt, they attacked a fae male. Amarantha. They said that name."

"Amarantha was the King's greatest general..." Cassian begins but I interrupt.

"In The Great War, yes I remember. What does this have to do with anything? I heard stories of how she placed Jurian's eye in a ring but it was never confirmed. Her sister's death changed her. If it were me, a sister's death would change me too."

Mor looks at me, tears in her eyes. "Everything. She has everything to do with this. Those men were a part of her army. Rhysand, our High Lord, heard of trouble in the Court of Nightmares and went to go check it out. He's been trapped for about two months now. After the first week, he told us Amarantha was taking control. But we didn't think it was serious. He asked us to secretly spread the word of a threat coming.

3 weeks after we didn't hear from him, Azriel went to go patrol the court. Rhysand informed him that Amarantha's armies were too big and she sent a message to all the High Lords to come to the Court of Nightmare but it was a trap. That day was the day Azriel found you."

Tears threaten to pour from my eyes, "And now? What happened to the High Lords?"

Azriel spoke this time. "That's where I was this morning. To find out. I was going to go earlier but we had to make sure you were...not working with her. That you wouldn't attack when you came too. Seeing you react to Velaris, showed us you weren't with her."

I nod in understanding. "I would have done the same. Did you find out anything?"

He nods, "Rhysand told me that she had taken the powers of the High Lords using a spell of the kings. And is planning on waging war with the humans. She's also hurt subjects of the Courts, letting her army rome free, hurting whoever they please. Rhys-"

I stand quickly. "Wait, she's hurt fae? She's attacked my court? My High Lord is under the mountain? With her?" He nods hesitantly and I turn to walk. I had to get out of here. I had to get Thesan or the armies.

_Lucy..._

Cassian stands quickly and grabs my arm. "Amira, stop. Where are you going?" I look at him with anger in my eyes. "I have to go, Cassian. I have to go get Thesan and go back home to protect my people." He shakes his head, "It's too dangerous."

I shake my head repeatedly and try to pry my arms away from Cassian. "Cassian, no you don't understand. My family. I lost my mother, I can't lose them too."

I couldn't breathe.

_Lucy... Anna... Celia... Elias... Arthur... Zuria... Jendayi... Helion..._

_Thesan._

_My cousin._

_The only blood family I have left._

_And he doesn't even know where I am._

_Or if I'm alive._

_Last we talked, we had an argument._

_Just like what happened to my mother._

Mor comes up to me and grabs my arm from Cassian. "Amira, it's going to be alright." I look at her and squint my eyes. "Alright?" I shake my head in disbelief. "How do you know that Mor? For all I know my family is dead! And I was selfish enough to leave them because I felt like something was missing and went searching for whatever it was."

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I just needed to leave. I needed air. I needed to feel the cold air on my skin. It was getting too hot and I was still in Azriel's sweatshirt. I needed to be back in Dawn Court. To help them in any way I can.

A sharp pain emerged in my chest and the air was getting harder to breathe. I broke down, falling down to the floor. A pair of strong arms were quick to catch me before I could. He set me down gently as I leaned into his chest. My vision was blurry.

I could see shadows around me, engulfing me. Taking me within them. I felt the coldness, the whispers. But they were comforting in a way. I needed the coldness. It was too hot and I felt like I was suffocating.

I closed my eyes to take in the coldness and within sometimes, I fell victim to the darkness itself.

***

I woke up sometime later and not in my bed but on the sofa I was sitting on earlier. My head was throbbing and my neck felt stiff. I was still in Azriel's sweatshirt, the material itself ending at my thighs. I sat up groaning and looked around. No one was here. But I could hear someone in the kitchen. I stood slowly and made my way inside.

Azriel was in there facing the island table but turned around looking up at me, holding a glass of water. "I was just about to come check on you," he says, handing me the class. "Thank you," I say softly, grabbing it and leaning against the doorway. "Where is everyone?"

He studies me for a second, "Mor, Cassian, and Amren went out. I don't know where. Probably to pick up dinner." I nod. We stand in silence for a little before he speaks again.

"Would you like to go somewhere?" I look to meet his eyes. "Where?"

"To the city. I could take you to see your horse." I nod, "I would like that very much. But I need to change. I don't have any clothes." He eyes his sweatshirt and I shift a little, not from uncomfort but shyness.

He smiles very softly. "I had someone clean your armor. You could wear it and I'll take you to one of the shops to buy some things."

***

After receiving my armor, I dressed in it but left all my weapons off apart from a small silver dagger at my waist. My mother gave it to me as a gift for my 18th birthday many centuries ago and it was my very first weapon, with a moon embedded into the dagger handle.

I walk out to the dining room and see Azriel standing outside the balcony, overlooking the city. Standing next to him, nervousness takes over me. "How are we going to get down there?" I ask, my voice low. He looks over at me with a smile. "We're flying."

My eyes go huge looking at the Illyrian and to his wings. Gulping, I shake my head. I know I said I would love to fly but this is different. I would be close to his body. And I would actually be...flying. Never did I dream I would be.

He sets out his hand for me to take it. "Amira, you can trust me. I promise I won't let you fall." I looked at his eyes and they were soft but full of seriousness.

Taking a deep breath, I place my hand in his. He pulls me close. His hands wrapping around my waist and my hands on his chest. With one of his hands, he makes his way up my back and pulls the hood of my tunic up my head. Then, he sets his hand around my waist again.

"Ready?" he whispers. I shake my head but he just smiles and without a warning, shoots up into the air. I let out something in between a scream and a screech, hiding my face in his chest. He chuckles lightly.

After a moment, I feel us gliding in the wind. "Amira," he whispers in my ear. "Open your eyes." I take another deep breath and slowly open them, looking into his hazel eyes and then to the left, taking in the city. It was definitely getting colder, winter coming up fast.

Children were laughing and squealing. Fae adults laughing and chatting. Some drinking. Couples walking around hand in hand. Even some with children. Shop's lights were shining.

I could see the river much clearly now, it was a beautiful shade of sapphire. This city was constructed atop the steep hills of the night court. Inside the river, multiple ships were housed. Many townhouses had green copper roofs and white chimneys with the houses being made of the same red stone of the house I had been staying in.

There was no harm. No destruction. No fear. It was beautiful.

We finally landed on the ground and Azriel steaded me, holding on to my arms and looking at me to make sure I was alright. Grasping his biceps, I took a few deep breaths looking at the ground trying not to run to the nearest trash and empty all contents of my stomach.

"Are you alright?" he whispered. I nodded, "Just give me a few moments." he stayed in front of me, staying very still and allowing me to use his body as a wall to steady myself. My head on his chest. After a couple moments, I slowly began pulling away, his shadows flowing through me as I separate myself from him.

"Look straight ahead," he says. I looked at him with a confused look but turned my body to look at where he was looking.

Large mountains with a flat top made of stone towered the city like a wall. It curves all around the Northern edge of the city and has an opening where the river flows through. It had many holes and windows... and... wait...

I look back at Azriel with wide eyes, "Is that where we've been staying?" He laughs slightly, "Yes, that is the House of Wind. Home of the inner court and High Lord of the Night Court." My eyes grow wider. "I'm sorry, did you say the High Lord? As in Rhysand? As in, I've been living in Rhysand's residence?"

He nods, "Cassian and I are the Illyrian warriors you may or may not have heard of who Rhysand keeps by his side. I'm his spymaster. Cassian is his army commander. Amren is his Second of Command. And Morrigan is his cousin, also Third in Command."

I stare at him with wide eyes. I've been staying with the Illyrian warriors? The greatest of all time? The most powerful ones in Prythian history? I should have known. Rhysand was known for being one of the three and here, taking care of me, were the other two.

I think I lost a few brain cells when I was hit in the head.

Azriel just laughs, "Wipe that look off your face, you look like you've seen a ghost." I roll my eyes, "I'm so stupid for not putting two and two together."

He shakes his head and motioned me to follow. I take in Velaris.

Everything was beautiful; Tea shops with tables and chairs set up outside cherry fronts and decorated with floral, faes of all sorts were sitting even though it was freezing, making a warming spell was being used. Restaurants of all sorts were also scattered across, laughter emerging from them.

I could see Azriel eyeing me from the corner of his eyes but I couldn't be bothered. The sun was setting and it was like the more it did, the more alive the city was becoming. The lights were growing brighter, laughter was louder, and the smiles were growing bigger.

I felt a hand grasp mine and I could feel the scars they held. He pulled me towards him just as a group of children ran by. But even after, he didn't let go and I didn't want him to. Something in me didn't want him too.

"Would you like to see your horse first? Or the city?" he asks as I step closer to him. He was taller than me. I was 5'5 and he looked to be about 6'4. I reached just about his shoulders.

"City," I say looking up to meet his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. As promised, here is the next chapter. 
> 
> To everyone in Uni, good luck on midterms. I have to now go write my first history essay midterm so...
> 
> please don't forget to kudos and comment
> 
> Much love
> 
> I


	7. Chapter 7

We were near the Southern side of the river so we first went to the Palace of Thread and Jewels. “This market is known for selling jewels, clothes, shoes, and that sort of thing,” he explains. “Come on, let’s get you some clothes before we get going.”

We entered a small shop and a beautiful fae walked up to us. “Azriel,” she greeted. “And?” I smiled answering, “Amira.”

“Ah Amira. Well what can I do for you two?” Azriel nods his head at me, “I was wondering if you could pick out some clothes for Amira. She’s new to Velaris and doesn’t have much.” She nods and reaches over for my head. “Come along, Azriel go sit on a sofa.”

The fae, I had learned her name was Crystal, showed me around her shop. She picked out multiple dresses and blouses of all sorts but mostly on the dark color sides. Blacks, blues, reds, and all sorts. She rushed me into the dressing curtains. Azriel sat on the sofa right outside. 

The first she made me wear was a red sleeveless dress with a plunging V neckline and an opening where my right leg would show when I walked. A red belt across the waist. I peeked through the curtain and saw Azriel sitting with his legs slightly opened and his arms spread across the top. 

I shook away my nerves as I walked out from the side. He cleared his throat and sat up. Crystal giggled, “I love it.” I felt the dress, my hands sliding down the sides. “I don’t know Crystal…” I begin. “I mean I’m used to wearing dresses but they’re never this _revealing._ This is more for a party of some kind.” She laughs and shakes her head. “Amira, here in Velaris, it’s a party all the time. Besides you have great assets but we can’t also have you feeling uncomfortable. Come I have something a little less revealing.”

She brings another dress, this time a dark blue with lace sleeves. The top half was also lace with a v-neck line but not as low as the last. It stopped just at the middle of my breasts. This also had a slit where my red leg was. I loved the tightness of the top and the flow of the bottom. 

I walked out and Crystal was nowhere to be seen but Azriel was looking down at the ground. I cleared my throat and he looked up. “So?” I asked nervously. He eyed me up and down, his eyes showed nothing. I couldn’t detect what he was thinking. “You don’t like it?” He shook his head, “No. No. It’s beautiful. I love it.” I bit my bottom lip. Crystal came out from the back and gasped. “That. That is the dress,” she said as she felt the skirt. 

After some time and some dressings, we finally finished from the store. Azriel insisted I get clothes to last me a while. I wondered how we were going to carry all of them. I had gotten dresses, blouses, pants, and even some jewelry from the neighboring store that was actually just an extension. It belonged to Crystal’s sister. Azriel told me either he or Cassian would come down later to get my stuff. 

When we walked outside, I was breathless. The night sky was now fully around us and everything everyone said was right. It took my breath away. It was like the sky showed it’s true blue, a midnight blue, and glistening silver stars in the sky. I could swear I see hints of purple here and there. It was like peaceful darkness. One that wasn’t scared to hide. It was vulnerable. 

Unlike the sun, which blinds you everytime you try to look at it. The sun doesn’t want you to look at it. This… This was accepting of it’s faults, if there were any. The moon shined so bright, it was like a flashlight. Shining through the streets of Velaris, showing all its glory. 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Azriel snaps me out of my gaze. I nod, unable to find the words. “Is it like this in the Dawn Court?” I shake my head looking at the Illyrian warrior. “No, it’s much more...dull. Here, it shines. Brighter than a thousand stars. It’s everything my mother said it would be.” 

“Your mother came here?” he asked looking at my eyes. I nod and look down. “Yes, a long long time ago. Before I was born. It’s where I was conceived.” I rubbed my arms. 

Noticing I was uncomfortable with the topic of my mother, he said nothing. But he went back into the store for a split moment and came back out with one of the coats I had bought. He holds it open behind me, gesturing me to put my arms through. I thank him as we continue walking to the Second Market. 

“This is the Palace of Bone and Salt,” he starts as we walk down the hill. “On the other side of the river is Hoof and Leave. They sell meat, produce, livestock, spices, and anything you need to prepare anything. If you need anything from here or desire to cook anything, just let Cassian or I know and we’ll come down here to get it for you.” 

I thank him and smell the air. Spices of all cultures. Some familiar and some not. It smelled like Lucy’s kitchen. I missed her. I missed her food. The smell of the kitchen. Our late night talks. Our late night baking. 

“Cookie?” I hear a young voice ask. I look down to see a young boy holding up a tray filled with cookies of all sorts of frostings and designs. Mostly winter. I kneel down a little. “Well, don’t mind if I have one. Which one should I take?” He thinks for a little bit. Then points to a tree decorated in blue frosting. “This one,” he says. “I made it. The rest were made with my mother’s hand but I want to follow in her footsteps so I sneaked this on the tray.”

I laughed and grabbed the cookie that he pointed at. I bit into it and hummed in delight. He cocks his head to the side, waiting for my response. “It tastes just like heaven,” I say. He smiles, missing a tooth. “But a little advice, next time add a little pinch of cinnamon. It will change your life.” He nods excitedly and runs away shouting, “Thank you!” I laugh and stand. 

“What?” I ask when looking at Azriel. He was looking at me with an amused look. He shakes his head. “Nothing, you’re good with children.” I shrugged. “I love kids. It’s the time in one’s life when they stay innocent, safe from the horrors of the world.” He looks away. _Did I say something?_

He grabs my hand and leads me away without another word. 

We stopped atop a hill that flowed to the river’s edge. Looking down shops of color, paintings, sculptures, dancing, music, and art covered down the hill. I gasp in awe. I let go of Azriel’s hand and walk forward. Giggling as children ran by me and went inside a shop. I step in front of a shop filled with all sorts of forms of art in writing. Calligraphy, typewriters, ink and quills of all sorts. I look back at Azriel and he nods his head towards the shop, gesturing for me to go inside. I smile at him as I walk inside. 

The door chimes and a man comes out of a door in the back. “Why hello there,” he greets arms in the air. “Hello,” I say back softly. I hear the door chime again and a presence behind me. Azriel. He greets the man with a nod. 

“Are you here for anything specific darling?” he asks me. I stay quiet looking around the store. “Get anything you’d like,” Azriel whispers behind me. “I don’t even know where to begin,” I whisper back. The man chuckles. “Fan of writing? And art with words?” 

I nod. He looks at me with wide eyes, “Not much like you exist. Mostly painters and musicians. Where did you develop a love for it?” 

I walk towards an art piece of calligraphy. A chunk of wood with _family_ carved into it in the most exquisite form. “My mother,” I reply and turn. 

“When I was younger my mother used to make art pieces but with words. Writing them in ways where you could read them however you like and each person would interpret it differently. Writing songs for singers to sing. Writing stories for little ones. She used to tell me words were the most important weapons anyone could have. They could cut as sharp as knives and heal as good as medicine. The trick was knowing your way with them. She said it was the most difficult weapon to learn. Because no one could teach you. You had to learn yourself. 

When I was younger, I used to sit down with her in her study as she wrote. Peering over her lap to see what she would be writing. It always seemed like she was writing because she was running out of time. It was like time was chasing her and she needed to get everything down before it disappeared and she would never be able to remember it again.”

When I had finished, I was admiring a typewriter that was black but the letters were in blush pink and silver stars were painted throughout. I smiled thinking of the memories of my mother in her study. The one place she felt comfort in all of dawn court. There were days I would come inside with her and lay on the couch, reading something my mother had written. Whether it was a story or just something from the top of her head. 

“Your mother was a wise woman,” the man said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked at him, my vision blocking me. I laughed slightly and wiped my tears away. Azriel walked towards me, putting a hand on my back and looking at the typewriter. “Can you put this on hold for when I come back?” he asks the man. 

The man nodded, “Of course. Consider it a gift.” I look at the man with wide eyes. “No, please let me pay.” I say. Azriel didn’t let me pay for the clothes back at the shop, insisting Rhysand would be angry if he let me pay but this. This was for me. For my own free time. I couldn’t let him pay for it. 

The man shakes his head. “Nonsense. You’re the first woman to come by here speaking like you do. And your mother taught you well. Just promise me one thing. When you do write on it, I am the first to read.” Knowing I won’t win this, I nod. “I promise. Mr…”

“Elijah. Call me Elijah. And no mister. None of that. I’m not that old. Only half a century and some change.” 

I laugh. He was quite handsome. He was taller than me but shorter than Azriel. A somewhat muscular body. Short brown hair and mesmerizing hazel eyes. He had an angelic facial structure; high cheekbones, strong jawline, and straight nose. He was dressed in a black suit with a white button up underneath, a few of the buttons undone and no tie. 

“Well thank you Elijah,” I nod. 

After a couple moments, Azriel and I left the shop. Elijah made me promise to come back and visit. 

“Do you see the hill across the Sidra bridge?” Azriel asks, pointing in front of us. I nod. “That is where the main theaters are. Musicians, dancers, and actors. So much more as well. If you want we can go one day.” I look at him smiling, biting my lip. “I would like that,” I laugh. “But maybe some other day, can we see Moon now?” 

He looks at me with an eyebrow raised and I laugh. “My horse, his name is Moon.” He chuckles and nods turning around. I reach my hand and curl it on his bicep which he held out for me to take. “Why Moon?” 

I look up, looking at the moon. “My mother and I used to always look up at the night sky. She used to say whenever I was alone to look up at the moon and the moonlight would guide my way.” He looks up with me. “Your mother was very fascinated with all things night to be living in the Dawn Court,” he laughs.

I laugh with him. “Yes well, my father was from the Night Court. I never knew him. Oh and my grandmother. Supposedly my grandfather met her somewhere around here.” He looks at me curiously. “You never knew who your father was?” I shake my head. “No, I’m what they call a bastard child in the Dawn Court. One night of fun and somehow I was conceived. Confusing since it takes faes years to reproduce but I guess that was fate’s joke.”

We leave the Rainbow of Velaris, which is what the art quarter was called when Azriel had said so briefly before leaving and walking towards the House of Wind. A few minutes of walking silently took place. It wasn’t awkward. It was peaceful as I was admiring the lights and the life. 

Fae of all sorts, high and low roamed the streets. Long limbed. Some with hair and some without. Some whose skinned seemed like they were glowing in the night sky. Some dark skinned and some light. Some with scales and some with fur. Hooves. Horns. Some wore layers and some didn’t. I had never seen so many types of different faes in one setting.

Azriel finally broke the silence by clearing his throat. “Can I ask you something?” he asked. I looked at him to see he was staring off into the distance. “Yes,” I say simply. He finally looks at me. “Why haven’t you asked about me? My parents? I’ve asked so much of you?” 

I laugh softly. “Because you never mentioned them once. Not once when I brought up my mother or my past have you brought up yours. It makes me think you don’t like talking about it because normally when bringing up my mother, other’s bring theirs up as well.” 

He looks taken back and nods. “Well, I don’t talk about my family. My family consists of everyone you’ve met besides Rhysand.” I smile at him. “Don’t worry. I won’t ask. When you do or ever want to talk, I’ll listen.” 

He stops walking and pulls us to the side, to ensure we don’t get in anyone’s way. “And the shadows? The scarred hands? I know you see them and I know you felt it when I grabbed your hands. You never flinched or took your hands out of mine.” I shake my head and take my hand from his bicep down to his. Flipping them over to see the scars, I say, “Azriel, everyone has their scars. It makes them who they are. I have them as well. From the war. From my past but most of mine are hidden. I’m not perfect, far from it. I may seem perfect but once you see who I am on the inside and what I hide, I am far from it. As for your shadows, they don’t bother me. I have my own, you just don’t see them. And they make you...unique. Interesting. They make you who you are, who am I to judge?” 

He laughs lightly and looks down at the ground then back up at me. “You are different Amira.” A pain shoots through me when he says my...name. I was lying to him. To everyone. But I smile anyways. “Come on,” he says, leading us back to the streets. 

After a couple more moments of walking, we reached a red shop. We walked into the shop. “Azriel!” a man greets. He comes around the counter and I see his bottom half of his body was covered in fur while his skin was dark brown and his feet were hooves. He had pointed ears and a fur tail. His arms covered in fur too and his hair was a mop of curly brown. He was a faun. “And friend!”

I giggle and let go of Azriel as the faun walks to me with his hands in the air wrapping his arms around me. I wrap my arms around his small body and he squeezes tight before he lets go. He shakes Azriel’s hand. “Maximus, we’re here to see the horse,” Azriel says but looks at me. “Moon,” he corrects himself. “We’re here to see Moon.”

Maximus looks at me and laughs. “He’s yours?” I nod. “Well my darling, your horse was wonderful. Great company. Come, come. To the back,” he says as he places a hand on my back leading me to the back of the shop. He opens a door to reveal a patch of green area. Two stalls set up. Moon in one and another horse in the other. “Dear?” I hear a woman say. “Who is it?”

She peaks her head upward from the stall door with the brown horse inside. And then stands, stepping out of the stall. She was also a faun, skin a shade of light brown than the male’s dark contrast. Her hair was also curled but with blonde highlights peeking through. “Why hello there,” she says, her voice soft and silk. “This is Amanda, my mate,” Maximus says, kissing her on her cheek. “Amanda, you know Azriel and this is…” 

“Amira,” I say, sticking out my hand. She laughs and walks towards me, holding out her hand. “None of that,” she says as she hugs me. “We’re a family of huggers.” I laugh as I wrap my arms around her. 

When she pulls away I look at moon and he neighs. Maximus unlocks the stall door and Moon steps out of it, making his way towards me and nudging his snout under my chin. I giggle and run my hands through his mane “I missed you too buddy,” I whisper. “Thank you for saving me.” He neighs in response. 

Maximus and Amanda go inside their shop, leaving Moon, Azriel, and I alone. I look behind me to see Azriel leaning against the shop’s wall, arms crossed and a foot propped up against it, looking down. I clear my throat and he looks up as I beckon him to come over with a tilt of my head towards Moon’s direction. He quietly walks over as I turn my attention towards Moon. 

I bring some carrots up to his mouth and feed him seeing it was time for his dinner according to Amanda. I hold up a carrot for Azriel to take and he shoots me a look of confusion which I just laugh to in response. He shakes his head as he takes it out of my hand. Slowly lowering his hand towards Moon’s mouth, he lets out a breath. He doesn’t seem scared but nervous? I laugh silently as Moon chucks it out of Azriel’s hand and neighs. Azriel looks at me and laughs himself. 

We spent some time at the back of the shop. Sitting on the grass, Moon lays his body on the ground and Azriel stands looking down on us. Moon’s head in my lap as I run my hands up and down his mane. After some time, I motion my hand to Azriel to come sit down next to me and he does so, ruffling and stretching his wings to get comfortable. 

They were probably the biggest set of wings I’ve seen on a fae. His wings were shaped just as a bat and as black as the darkest cave. I wonder how he wears his armor and avoids his wings. Would it be weird to ask? I shake my head subtly. Through the corner of my eyes, I see his blue jewels shine brightly from the lights hitting us from above. His shadows circling the both of us. I was surprised Moon wasn’t scared off by them. 

After an hour or so of spending some time with Moon, we stand and Maximus makes his way outside. “Missed him, didn’t you?” he asks me. I look up at Moon, holding onto his leash and nodding. “Well, visit him anytime. He has a home here. Dixie here enjoys his company,” he laughs. I turn to the brown horse, “Is she yours?” He nods. “I found her hurt as a young pony and took her in. Fixed her up. Never had the heart to let her go.” I look at Dixie and smile. 

Saying goodbye to Moon brought tears to my eyes. I was grateful I could keep him here. I wouldn’t know how to bring him to the House. Flying him? No. He would freak out in Azriel’s arms. I couldn’t even imagine him flying to the house. Was there another way in? Mental note, ask Azriel. 

“Ready to go home?” Azriel asks as we step out. I nod and he takes my hand, wrapping it around himself. I take my other and do the same as he wraps his arms around me. His shadows blocking my view of Velaris. He ruffles his wings and shoots up in the night sky. I gasp lightly, still not used to the abrupt feeling, and wrap my arms tighter as we make our way...home?

Was it home? Was it home for me? Sighing mentally I think, 

_What was home anymore?_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! Hope you had a good weekend because I did...well until on Sunday at 11pm when I found out I have a speech due on Friday and two trainings that were due at 11:59...lmao
> 
> Oh well, all is well. Hope you liked this chapter. Many more to come
> 
> Much love <3


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, I was awoken by a crash outside my door. I jolted awake to hear people whispering on the other side. Rubbing my eyelids, I stepped out of bed. Azriel’s sweatshirt falling down to reach my thighs. I hadn’t received the clothes I bought last night so I just wore the same things to bed as the night before.

Opening the door, I see two grown Illyrian warriors whisper shouting at each other but stop as soon as they see me. “Great job Azriel, you’ve woken her up,” Cassian says, throwing his hands in the air.

I laugh, “Well good morning to you too.” I look down to see the bags we had purchased yesterday. “Sorry, we were trying to find a place to put them in the hallway while you were sleeping,” Azriel mumbles as he rubs his neck. I shrug, “It’s alright. We can bring them in now.”

The three of us spent the next five minutes bringing in the things I had brought to the bedroom. The bedroom was average. It was in the middle of the hallway and since we were on a mountain there were no windows. The mattress rested on a brown bed frame. A brown dresser on one wall. A small closet door next to it. It seemed like an extra bedroom that wasn’t needed, not one that had been lived in before.

As I was taking out some of the clothes to fold them and place them in the dresser, Azriel cleared his throat by the doorway. I set the clothes in the dresser before turning to face him. “I’m sorry the room is really...bland,” he says, placing his hands in his pockets. I smile at him. “It’s okay, it’s perfect. Don’t worry about it.” He nods and walks out the door.

After I was done, I walked to the dining room where breakfast was set up. Raising an eyebrow, Cassian choked on his tea. “It’s not poisoned. I brought it from a restaurant.” I laugh and sit down next to Mor who pours me some tea.

  
I placed some egg and toast on my plate and began eating. The table is quiet but not the awkward time. As I eat, I try not to think about the subtle pain in my leg. It was healing slowly, my strength not coming back as fast as I would hope.

“I have a favor to ask,” I say aloud, setting my fork down. Cassian shoves a half a toast in his mouth and cocks an eyebrow, signaling me to continue. “I was wondering if any of you could… train me? My leg has healed but my strength hasn’t returned. I want to be able to be ready in case another war occurs with Amarantha taking control of Prythian and all.”

Cassian looks at Azriel and Azriel just looks down. Mor clicking her tongue. Cassian turns his attention to me and smirks. He stands, stretching his wings. He nods his head to the side. “Come with me,” is all he says. I look at Mor who laughs lightly and stands. Azriel being the last to do so.

I follow him through the house, Mor and Azriel behind me. We go through the dining room door to a set of stairs inside the house and begin to walk up. It only took a couple seconds until we reached a door and Cassian opened it, holding it as I walked through. I looked around to see at the top of this flat topped mountain was a training yard, fighting rings positioned in some areas.

I walk out a little ways and gasp lightly, putting my hand over my mouth. It looked just like the training yard I saw in my dream. Or whatever it was. The afterlife? Flashes of my mother and the unknown woman flash before my eyes. The boy and the man. Me, running to my mother.

I turn to Cassian and see him smirking, hands crossed. He’s going to enjoy this. 

***

I was right. It’s been a couple days since Cassian showed me the arena and training has started. For the first few days, he’s only been instructing me to stretch and run, trying to “get my body ready” for what’s to come.

I laughed at him, thinking he was being ridiculous… he wasn’t. Training with Cassian wasn’t like anything I’ve ever done. I’ve never fought someone with wings who used their wings. Yes, I trained with the Captain of the Dawn Court but he never flew out of my way to avoid getting hurt. Cassian on the other hand did the exact opposite.

I was on the ground, head facing the sky as Cassian threw his head back and laughed. He reached out his hand to help me up, I shook my head and grabbed it. “Expect the unexpected,” he said. I roll my eyes. “Excuse me for never having fought with anyone with wings.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Never?” I shrugged, “Well I did in the Great War but it has been a couple of centuries.” His eyes go wide. “You battled in the Great War?”

I nodded, “I thought I mentioned it when I knew who Amarantha was.” He shrugs. “I may have forgotten if you have. Well come on then, again. Let’s go back to punching.”

I nod once more and stand in front of Cassian as he places the pads back on his hand. I roll my shoulders back and place my feet shoulder width apart whole keeping my back straight. I place my left leg in front of my right leg, shifting slightly so my left side of my body is facing Cassian, and bend my knees slightly. Raising my fists, I make sure they’re in front of my face but slightly down, letting my eyes see Cassian. My head angled slightly down and eyes up looking at him.

Cassian begins saying instructions. Left hook. Right hook. Uppercut. Right uppercut. And then he’ll swing his arm quickly and I duck. We repeat this multiple times until I begin rolling my eyes at the repetitive motions.

Without warning, he removes the pads from his hands just as I throw a right hook grabbing my hand and twisting it around my back. I groan and use my left elbow to elbow him in the gut then in the face. He stumbles back as I rip my hand from his grasp. He tries to punch me but I grab his arm and use my weight to flip him on the ground, placing my foot on his chest, and twist his arm lightly.

He groans and looks up at me and laughs. “It seems like you fight better when it’s unexpected.” I let go of his hand and removed my foot from his chest, turning to walk away and smiling.

I look down to see his shadow standing and raise my head to look straight in front of me. I see Azriel standing there crossing his arms. He smiles at me and uncrosses his arms. “My turn,” is all he says.

I chuck off my leather jacket, leaving me in only a small black corset that ended just above my midriff and black sleek pants. I reached my hands up to my hair and tightened the ponytail.

Azriel stood in front of me and we circled each other. “Show me what you got,” I whispered. He just smiled as I stepped forward and kicked him.

He blocked it with his arm and reached his leg out to kick me back but I blocked it as well, throwing a punch to his jaw. He recovered quickly, returning the punch but I ducked down blocking it, not seeing his leg come up to hit me in the gut.

I groan and turn my leg up to hit his cheek, making his head turn to the side. He chuckles lightly, wiping the blood from his lips and bringing his hands up. He throws a punch to my gut and I block it with my arm. Twisting my body, I swing my leg on the ground but he lifts his foot. I grunt as I bring my foot up and kick it behind me landing on his chest. He places a hand on his chest and groans as he stumbles backwards.

We go back to the original position, heavy panting, and staring at each other. I wait for him to make the first move but he just smiles, So I bring my left leg up to kick him once again and he blocks it, throwing my foot to the ground and punches my cheek. My head shoots to the side and I feel a throbbing pain.

I quickly recovered-wrapping my arms around his neck- I knee him multiple times in the gut before he finally blocked one and hit me in the chest. He grabs my arm and twists it behind my back. I groan and get out of the hold once more like I did with Cassian, elbowing him with my other arm once again.

I move away from him and try to side kick him but everything happens so fast when he grabs my leg and spins me, throwing me to the ground. I fell hard to the ground and let out a small scream. The place where the knife had punctured me was healing but it felt like it opened up again.

Over the past months, my fae healing has been slower than usual. My body was fractured and injured in so many places, it couldn’t keep up. The wound where the knife was, was gone, only a small scar left where the wound was once open. But I had landed on my back and landed harshly. It was like the wound under the healed skin wasn’t as healed as I thought it was. My leg also throbbed being the one I had just used was the once broken not long ago.

I sucked in a huge breath and Cassian was running to my side. “I’m fine,” I breathed. Cassian wrapped his arm around my waist and grabbed my other arm with his other hand, pulling me up. Heavy breathing, I closed my eyes. “Are you sure?” he asks. I nod. “Yes but that was the first real fighting training in months, my body just got tired. I swear I’m fine.”

I opened my eyes and looked around. Azriel had disappeared within a matter of seconds. 

***

“Here you go,” Mor says as she sits on the couch sofa, lifting my “injured” legs up and placing it on her lap. A towel with ice was placed on my ankle of the leg that was once broken. I laugh. “Mor, I said my leg was fine. Cassian was overreacting.”

She looks at me with an eyebrow raised, “You can never be too careful. Now where Cassian is. I want to drink.” As soon as she spoke, Cassian barged into the living room with a bottle of wine in one hand and three glasses. “Relaxing time ladies. You’ve earned it Amira.”

I roll my eyes as he pours me a glass. I thank him as he hands me it.

It’s been about a couple hours since our training on the yard. Azriel was nowhere to be found. Even when dinner rolled around. I had asked Mor if he came inside but she stated she hasn’t seen him. Cassian didn’t know where he had gone either.

“No word from Azriel?” Mor asks, I was thankful she did. Cassian shook his head. “But I’m sure he’s alright, might’ve just needed to blow off some steam. Now you,” he says and points his glass at me. “Where was all that when we were sparring? You turned into some warrior.”

I laugh. “Well Mr.Let’s go over the basics. I told you I fought in the war. What did you think I meant? Sat back and took stats and numbers? Besides, you helped. As much as I hate running and the repetitive punches. It helped my body grow stronger. So, thank you.”

“Did you lose anyone? In the war?” Mor asks. I look at her and memories play through my head as I remember the loved ones lost. She looks regretful as she says, “Sorry… I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s alright,” I say placing my hand on her shoulder and nodding. “But yes. I did. I lost a few friends really and a lover. His name was Damon. He was from the Dawn Court as well. A soldier in the army as was I. We trained together. One night, weeks before the war, we had a few too many drinks at a party the High Lord threw as a one last night of fun and well the rest was history.”

Mor smiles at me. “Lover?” Cassian asks for confirmation. “Not mate?” I shrugged. “You know how confusing Mother and the Cauldron are. If he was my mate, the mating bond did not click before the war. He died protecting me and afterwards I mourned him for years. Didn’t want to be with anyone else. A part of me felt he may have been my mate and I lost him forever. But the other part of me felt like I had a mate still waiting but I knew if I did, he wasn’t in the Dawn Court. I know of every man and not once have I felt anything. I wished there was some way to know if Damon was my mate but if he wasn’t, I may never find him if Amarantha continues to rule Prythian.”

Cassian sighs and reaches over to grab the wine, pouring me another glass and then himself one. “Well,” he says and raises his glass. “To find our mates. Wherever the Cauldron placed them. And to the end of Amarantha.” Mor raises her glass and chugs it. I smile and do the same. 

***

After saying goodnight to Cassian and Mor, I resigned to my bedroom. Instead of going to bed after changing into my nightgown, I walk towards the chair belonging to a small desk Cassian had bought for me so I could write and do what I wish. I sit in the chair and glide my fingers across the typewriter.

I try to think of anything to write but nothing comes to mind. Nothing at all. I groan and sit back on my chair. Was it the alcohol in my system blocking me from thinking? Or was it simply the fact that I didn’t have anything to write.

I place my head in my hands. “I wish you were here Mom,” I whisper to myself.

Shaking my head, I stand from the chair and lay in my bed. Turning to my side, I turn off the lights and wait for darkness to take over.

***

_“Maliha,” I hear someone say. I groan and turn over to the other side. “Five more minutes,” I mumble. I hear laughter. “Maliha, darling. Her highness is waiting for you at breakfast. Come on now.”_

_I raise my head slightly and squint my eyes with confusion at my mother. Highness? Sighing, I get up from the bed and rub my eyes._

_Making my way to the washroom, I look around to see nothing is different in the house. My mother must be confused. Walking into the washroom, I click on the light and look into the mirror._

_My brown hair tangles all over my head. Wait, brown? No I had silver… have… I have silver. “Mom!” I shout. She walks to the door, a towel between her hands. “What’s wrong?”_

_I look at her with confusion and place a strand of my in between my fingers. “Mom, I had silver hair. I went to Calynn a few months ago. Sure it may have faded a little but there’s not a sliver of silver in my hair.” She looks at me with confusion back, tilting her head to the side. “Maliha, what are you talking about? Who’s Calynn?”_

_My mother shakes her head, “Come on now Maliha. We don’t want to be late.” She shakes off her coat and hangs it, walking past me to the sink. I turn to face her and see blood seeping through my mother’s dress._

_“Mom!” I yell, walking towards her. “What happened?” I examined her wounds on her back and they weren’t like anything I had ever seen before. She laughs...laughs? “I’m fine sweetheart, now come along now. She’s waiting.”_

_I raise my eyebrow and follow my mother as she grabs my wrist leading me to a red door. Opening the door, horror fills my eyes._

_Mor was standing in front of a guard, a knife pressed against her throat. Cassian and Azriel, kneeling in front of a throne. A throne in which Amarantha was sitting on, an identical one next to it where another high fae sat. Rhysand, high lord of the night._

_My mother drags me to the center in between Cassian and Azriel then lets go of my wrist. Walking forward, she bows. “My daughter, your grace.” Amarantha dismisses her and I try to walk after my mother but I’m stuck._

_“Don’t bother trying darling,” the wicked red haired fae says. “Magic barriers.” I glare at her. “What do you want from us?”_

_She cackles. “Oh no, it’s what I want from you. You see, a little birdy told me of a secret city filled with music and light. And well, these two big bad Illyrians won’t give it up. And my companion here refuses to give me the information. It’s quite simple really, tell me about this place and where it’s located and I will let you go. Maybe throw in the Illyrians and the high fae as well.”_

_This is a dream...I remind myself. This isn't real. Wake up. Wake up._

_“Tell her Maliha,” my mother says softly, reappearing next to Amarantha. I shake my head. “No.”_

_“Maliha?” a soft voice says with sadness. I turn to look Mor in the eyes. “MALIHA? You told us your name was Amira. Have you been lying to us all along? Are you working with her? You put my family in danger!” Mor began thrashing in the guards arms as I sobbed._

_“Mor, it’s not like that. I’m not working for anyone-”_

_“Oh would you stop whining!” Amarantha exclaims, placing a hand on her head. “I’m losing patience Maliha. Location please or I’ll start with Cassian’s wings.”_

_I turn my head to look at Cassian and he shakes his head, his eyes meeting mine. “If you’re sincere, whatever your name may be, do not reveal my home. I would rather die a thousand painful deaths than let it suffer.” I nod and turn back to Amarantha._

_“No.”_

_She laughs. And in a blink of an eye, I stand in front of Cassian. A dagger in one hand and the other grasping the connection of his wing to his body. His eyes glaring into mine. I shake my head and try to remove my hands but they wouldn’t budge._

_“The location Maliha!”_

_“No.”_

_“Wait!” I hear a dark voice coming from next to me. “Take my wings first. Spare Cassian. Take mine.” I close my eyes and shake my head as Amarantha laughs. “Very well then.”_

_I’m shifted to Azriel, the same position as I was moments ago with Cassian. I look into his hazel eyes and shake my head._

_“Maliha,” he says softly, my real name. “Azriel, I can’t. I won’t.”_

_He shakes his head, “Wake up.” I raise an eyebrow. “You’re okay,” he says once again. “Wake up.”_

_“Amira wake up!”_

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Hello!
> 
> I hope you all love this chapter. Writing the sparring scene was fun. And I can't wait for the next to chapters. The first will be in Maliha aka Amira's POV and the second will be in Azriel's. It's going to be a fun light hearted chapter and some tension between Azriel and Maliha... *wink wink*... 
> 
> okay that's all 
> 
> much love <3


	9. Chapter 9

I jolted awake, relieved to find myself in the comforts of my bedroom. My body glistened with sweat. I looked around and Azriel was nowhere to be found. I was alone.

I sat up against the headboard and brought my knees up to my chest.

It was _just a dream_. I said to myself over and over again. _It was just a dream._

For the rest of the night, I didn’t go to sleep, too afraid of what I might see. Instead I stared out into the darkness of my room and prayed that I would never have to go through what my nightmare entailed.

***

It’s been about two weeks since my nightmare and I haven’t had one since. Well, if I did sleep. I was afraid too on some nights. I didn’t want to wake anyone screaming either.

Azriel has come around, obviously, but has avoided all contact with me. I wonder if I did something but he won’t say.

He hasn’t said something all day and it was after dinner. We bumped into each other in the halls a few times but nothing. I wanted to ask if he could take me to see Moon since it’s been way too long and I missed my horse but I didn’t want to bother him. Sighing, I turn away from Azriel’s door and head to Cassian’s.

I knock on his door a few times and he opens it almost immediately. Only sweats covering half his body. “Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t know you were getting dressed,” I say, my cheeks flaring up red as he just smiled. His wet hair dripping onto the floor.

“Don’t worry about it. Everything okay?” I nod. “Yes, I was just wondering if there was any way to leave the house other than flying.” Cassian tilts his head to the side and shakes his head. “Not unless you want to walk down thousands of steps.”

I shake my head, “I suppose not.”

“How about I take you wherever you wish to go tomorrow.” I nod and bite my lip. “Sounds good, thank you.”

We say our goodnights as he closes the door and I walk to the living room, finding Mor sitting all alone, a canvas in her hands. I knock on the doorframe and she looks up smiling. “Come here,” she says sitting up straight on the sofa and patting the area next to her.

I walk over and sit next to her. “Who’s that?” I ask and she hands me the canvas. It was two people, one being Mor and a male next to her, slightly taller. They were looking at each other and smiling. The fae male’s hands in his pockets, his black hair slicked back. The background was a starry night, a mixture of dark blue with silver stars.

“That…” she sighs. “Is Rhysand and I about two years ago, we went out one night and this woman was painting canvases. I think Rhys and I stood for hours for her to paint that. I gifted it to him on his birthday which is in a week. I just… I miss him and it’s scary not knowing if he’s okay.”

I stare at the photo, knowing exactly what she was feeling. I didn’t know if my family was okay either. “Wait, did you say his birthday in a week?” I ask, turning my face to look at her. She nods and I laugh which results in her giving me a confused look.

“Sorry, my birthday is in a couple days as well. November 18,” I say quietly. Mor’s eyes go wide and she sits up on the couch. “Rhysand’s is November 20th!” she says happily. “Oh, we need to celebrate. We need some sort of distraction and if I can’t celebrate Rhys’s… please Amira?”

I laugh and nod. “Sure, why not. I haven’t celebrated my birthday for a few years anyways and I think we all need something to take our minds off of all of this craziness.”

I needed something to take my mind off it.

***

Sure enough, Mor took my birthday so much more seriously than I did. I don’t know what she has planned or what we’re doing. All I know is I was awoken this morning by Cassian storming into my bedroom, the door slamming onto the wall, and Mor screaming for me to get up.

I woke up suddenly, taking out my dagger from my nightstand drawer, and aiming it at the two before registering it was just the two blithering idiots scaring the crap out of me.

“Mor! Cassian!” I yelled. “You both are dead!”

Cassian just laughed as he walked over to my bed and ripped the covers off of me. I shivered in coldness. Only wearing a nightgown and covering my body with my hands. He quickly placed the covers back on me and turned around, his face turning red as he saw my nightgown ride up to my waist.

He stumbled on his words before excusing himself, something about muttering killing Azriel for allowing me to buy nightgowns and getting me a potato sack as my birthday present to save himself from the embarrassment. The moment he closed the door, Mor and I bursted into laughter to the point where I almost fell off the bed in tears at the Illyrians embarrassment.

She rushed me out of bed and allowed me to put on some clothes but not before making comments on my body that made me blush. I simply put on some pants and a sweater before we made our way to the dining room.

With a snap of Mor’s hands, pancakes of all sorts appeared on the table. Fruits as well. Then came the Illyrians rushing in at the smell of breakfast filling the table.

Cassian immediately sat down but not before placing a kiss on my cheek and giving me a quick Happy birthday. Azriel stood at the doorway, crossing his arms and laughing softly.

It’s been a weird couple days. He hasn’t really spoken to me except for a couple of hellos and commands when Cassian and I were sparring. When I asked if he would, he simply refused and walked away. I didn’t know what I had done. A part of me thinks he blames himself for me screaming in pain the last we spared but it wasn’t his fault.

He wasn’t the one who injured me and left me for dead.

This is the first I truly have seen him standing in front of me. We only saw glimpses of each other on the training yard, he doesn’t sit with us at meals often, and when we see each other in the hallway, he quickly walks to his room. I was surprised he was even here.

He pushes himself off of the doorway, his shadows and wings ruffling around him. “I hear today is a special day,” he says softly. I laugh and turn to look at Mor and Cassian. Seeing Mor wack Cassian’s hand with a spatula when he tries to take a pancake off the stack.

“I suppose so. It’s only my birthday. Nothing special but I think we all needed something to take our mind off of everything,” I say turning back and looking at the shadowsinger. He nods. “I agree.”

We both take our seats and begin eating. Breakfast was pleasant. Jokes were being made.

Even Amren showed up halfway through but refused to eat. I had an idea of what she was. Anytime she shows up for any of our meals, she doesn’t eat. Mor says she wasn’t like us. I supposed she was one of the creatures I read in a story once. A story my mother told me. About a world different from ours. But I could be wrong. After all, it was a story.

The day went on normally apart from no training. Cassian didn’t want either of us accidentally breaking each other before the night was over. Mor warned him if I got hurt, she would cut off both his wings. I knew she was joking but I stiffened a little, remembering the nightmare I had nights ago. I tried covering my stiffness with a laugh.

Now, the sun was beginning to set and I was staring off into Velaris. Mor and Cassian getting ready. Azriel, probably in his room or off somewhere. My makeup and hair was done, all I needed was to put on my dress. I figured now was the best time as any for me to come out here for a moment of silence.

I was wearing a robe around my body, nothing underneath except for my undergarments. The wind was chilling but I welcomed it. Staring into the city, I sigh and close my eyes for a split second, wondering what it would be like if my mother was here with me.

“Thinking about something?” a voice startles me from behind. I jump and turn around, hand over my heart. “Azriel,” I breathe.

He chuckles, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” I shake my head. “It’s alright. But yes, I was. Just thinking of what it would be like if my mother were here with me to witness this.”

He walks forward, leaning on the other side of the doorway. “You and your mother seemed to have a great relationship.”

I sigh and look out to Velaris. “Not really,” I confess. “My mother and I had an unusual relationship. There were ups and downs, lots of them. But at the end of the day, she was all I had. I was a bastard child, Azriel. My mother was in a way disowned by my grandparents at the Dawn Court. I had to live my life in secret. No one knew I existed. When I was old enough, I enrolled myself in the army…”

“But you’re a female? Back when we were young, they needed the females to stay behind due to so many injuries…”

“They needed people for the war. Don’t you remember? It didn’t matter who you were. I wasn’t going to let my cousin fight and I did not fight alongside him. My mother was going to fight but I took her place. The armor you found me in, that belonged to her. She passed it down to me. She said that when she was younger she had asked her mother to make her an armor in white and pink because she couldn’t stand the red armor the Dawn Court wore when so much blood was shed on the battlefield. She chose those colors for me because they were my favorite colors when watching the dawn sky. To remind her of me when she fought. To remind her there was someone waiting for her, someone to fight for.

After the war, my mother and I’s relationship declined. I saw so much on the battlefield. So much pain and heartache. I had nightmares for decades. We fought over the strangest things. The little girl she sent in returned damaged. And she blamed herself. For centuries, we tried going back to the way things were and it was hard. There were ups and downs. Before she passed, I started feeling the same things are now. Like something was missing and like my mother was hiding something from me.

And she was. She was sick. She was dying. And she didn’t say anything. One night, I fought with her because I knew she was hiding things from me. She told me that time would reveal everything. Time? Days went by with only a few words being exchanged. One day we got into this huge fight and things were said. I stormed off only to come back and overhear my aunt saying my mother had passed. I ran down the halls to get to her and my cousin stopped me saying my mother was gone. And I never got to take back any of the awful things I said. For the next five years, I closed myself off. Thought it was my fault. I thought I had pushed my mother.So, I put on a happy face. Pretended everything was okay. But, the missing piece grew stronger and well...here I am.”

Azriel doesn’t say anything and lets out a breath, looking out at Velaris. “Your mother knew,” he says after a few moments. I sniffle and rub my eyes. He avoids eye contact as he continues. “Whatever you wanted to tell her, she knew. She knew you didn’t mean it. She probably didn’t want you to worry about her. And who knows maybe you ended up here for a reason.”

I look at him. “You think so?” He nods. “I think so. Besides, I had a weird feeling over the month you were asleep. We all did, it’s why our doubts stepped aside. We felt like we knew you. And when you said you fought in the war, maybe we did meet long ago. But Cassian and Mor trust you…”

“And you?” I ask. He turns to look at me. “Don’t take this personally, I don’t trust easily but I’m getting to it. It’s weird, my shadows have been calm around you. That’s another reason why I believe we’ve met. They normally aren’t calm towards strangers. And at first they weren’t but the more time you’re here, the more calm they get.”

We stay standing, facing each other for a few moments before I ask, “Why have you been ignoring me?” His body language changes, I could swear I see him stiffen. He clears his throat and turns around. “We need to get ready,” is all he says and walks away.

I huff and turn around to talk to him but I see Mor turn the corner and Azriel disappears. She cocks her head to the side, “What are you doing? Come on. Get dressed!” She laughs and takes me to my bedroom.

I look back at Azriel’s door and wonder why his attitude shifted. Shaking my head, I enter my bedroom.

***

Right as we walk in the dining room, Cassian whistles and I shift uncomfortably. I was wearing the dark blue dress with lace sleeves that I had bought with Azriel weeks ago accompanied with silver heels Mor gave me. As well as silver dangle earrings. I didn’t wear a necklace.

I’ve been searching for weeks all over my room for my crescent necklace and I couldn’t find it. Maybe I had forgotten to put it on before I left the Dawn Court. I swore I did but when I asked Mor weeks ago, she said I wasn’t wearing one when Azriel had brought me.

Which only meant two things, I forgot it or it broke off and it was lost forever. It pained me but I tried not to think about it tonight.

Mor wore a red simple dress with thin straps and a V plunging neckline. She had a slit on either side of her dress, her legs showing every time she stepped. Gold jewelry had accompanied her instead of the silver.

Azriel and Cassian looked good. Both were wearing the same black pants. But Cassian wore a deep red dress shirt while Azriel was a dark blue one. I laughed at the odds of each man matching our dresses but figured it was planned with Mor.

I eyed her. “What?” she laughs. “They were going to wear all black like they always do. I needed to switch it up.” I laugh with her.

“Ready to go?” Cassian asks. I look at him, “Where are we going anyways?” Cassian shoots Mor a glance and they smile.

“Tonight we’re going to show you a real night in Velaris.”

***

We landed in front of a night club, the lights blazing in all colors of the rainbow. I had flown with Azriel and Mor with Cassian. I looked at the building in awe and Mor simply laughed at me.

We didn’t have these at the Dawn Court and if we did, I had never been in one. This was all new to me.

I was going to walk after Mor but Azriel grabbed my arm. “Before we go in,” he says and lets out a breath. Reaching into his jacket pocket- he had put on a jacket before we flew- he pulled out a box. I knit my eyebrows together as he opened the box.

I gasped and brought my hand to my mouth in shock. “Where did you find it?” I asked, afraid to touch it, thinking it was too real. “You were holding on to it when I found you. The chain was broken off. I took it and kept it with me. I forgot about it for so long until Mor came in asking if I saw any necklace near your body and I took it to get it fixed. Told her to keep quiet and I would give it to you on your birthday.”

I look up at him with tears in my eyes, my mother’s necklace in his hands. “Thank you,” was all I could manage to say. He just nods and takes it out of the box, unclasping the necklace. “May I?” he gestures to my neck.

I nod and turn around, holding my hair up as Azriel clasps it around my neck. I touch the moon and look up at the sky. It was a full moon tonight and the moon light shined a little brighter.

The moment I let my hair down, I turned around and wrapped my hands around his neck. He took a second to register what was happening before he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Thank you,” I mumble.

“Will you two hurry up? I want to drink already!” I hear Cassian yell. I laugh as I pull away and we walk towards the entrance.

We were led to a table, supposedly the ones they always sat at. But it was decorated. Strings and such flooded the table and I laughed. “Morrigan!”

She just shrugs, “Don’t Morrigan me. Cassian rolls his eyes. “I don’t even get this for my birthday!” Mor smacks his arm, “That’s because all you care about is drinking on your birthday. And it’s Amira’s first birthday with us.”

We sat at the table as a waiter brought over some bottles of some sort of alcohol and some glasses. We drank shot after shot, being fae, it took us slightly longer to get drunk than humans.

“There’s the birthday girl!” Elijah exclaims as he nears the table. I giggled as I stepped out of my chair, almost tripping but I quickly recovered and hid it by wrapping my arms around him.

Over the past few weeks Elijah and I have been hanging out whenever I could. Or whenever Cassian was able to take me to Velaris. We hung around his shop and talked about writings and stories. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel slight feelings for him but I didn’t really know whether they were more than friendly feelings.

I went back to my seat in between Mor and Cassian, Azriel and Elijah sitting across. After what seems like hours of sitting around, talking and laughing. Mor gets up from her seat saying she wants to dance and grabs my hand before I could argue, leaving the boys behind.

She leads me to the dance floor and we sway our bodies in the middle of it, surrounded by fae of all sorts. I was not as experienced in this sort of dancing like Mor, I was trained for classical ballroom dancing. This was a totally different sort. Pressing bodies and closeness more than ever. I was feeling out of place. Maybe even scared.

Mor was swept away by a male fae and I was going to go back to my seat when Elijah made his way towards me, his jacket off and left on the chair. He was wearing dark blue pants and a blush pink dress shirt with a few of the buttons on the top undone.

“Dance with me,” was all he said and lent his hand out. I took it as he pulled me close. I wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and one of his arms wrapped around my waist as he pulled me close. I laughed, tilting my head back and swayed my hips.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” I laugh. He chuckles. “They didn’t have these parties in the Dawn Court?” I shook my head. “Well, don’t worry. Just let go, there’s not really a lesson to dance to this.”

I did exactly as he said. I let go and let my body move to the way of the music, putting my chaotic life on hold and letting myself free. Just for a little.

Hell, I needed it. 

*** 

**Azriel’s POV**

“Okay, come on, I need to go dance,” Mor yells, jumping off her chair and taking Amira’s hand. “Mor…” Amira tries to say but she’s swept away before she could stop her. Cassian laughs across from me. “Have fun you two!”

I watch as Amira is led to the dance floor, raising a glass to my lips. Smiling as she begins to dance with Mor but looks around, feeling uncomfortable with the atmosphere in the room.

After a couple minutes, Elijah excuses himself and makes his way towards her. My wings rustle against each other. When he finally reaches, I watch as he pulls her close and her hand creeps up his neck. They laugh and dance.

Cassian turns his head to look at them before he laughs and sits in Elijah’s seat. “You know,” he begins. “You could grow a pair and ask her to dance.” I roll my eyes at my brother and ignore him as I pour myself another drink.

“Ahh I see the ignoring game is still at play,” he clicks his tongue. I look at him with my eyebrows raised. “What are you going on about Cas?”

He looks at me with a _you must be joking_ look. “You want to tell your brother why you’ve been ignoring Amira ever since your small sparring match.” I roll my eyes. No. No I don’t. But knowing Cassian, he won’t stop bothering me until I do.

“I hurt her Cass,” I say, taking another drink. Cassian laughs. “Well you were sparring… oh you meant when she yelled in pain. She said she was fine. Besides, your wounds still may heal when you recover. Mother knows, we’ve felt it multiple times.”

I click my tongue. “I guess so.” He nudges my side. “You wouldn’t hurt her on purpose Azriel. Is that the only thing bothering you or are you scared you’ll develop feelings. She is beautiful.”

I ignore him but stare at Amira as she laughs with Elijah. He wasn’t wrong. She might’ve been the most beautiful thing in the room.

“You need to stop hanging onto Morrigan brother,” Cassian says looking at Amira. “What?” I say shocked. “You’ve liked Mor for centuries. Finally, this one girl comes along and you’re afraid to let go of Mor in case she changes her mind. But you deserve to be happy. Who knows, maybe Amira is what we needed to change things up or even add a new element.”

More silence falls upon us.

“Look,” he says with a sigh. “We don’t know when Rhys is coming back or when he’ll call on us. But we need to take our minds off of it. Obsessing over but will drive us crazy. So if you’re not going to do anything about dancing with Amira and you insist you have no feelings for her, don’t mind if I go dance with her.”

He grabs his glass and chugs it before standing and slamming it on the table. He makes his way towards Amira before coming up behind her and grabbing her hips from behind and I felt myself getting uncomfortable. Clearing my throat, I shifted in my chair.

She seemed uncomfortable at first as well which Cassian too could tell and let go of her waist but she grabbed a shot from a waiter walking by, taking it. And placed Cassian’s hands back on her. Now swaying her hips in between Elijah and Cassian.

I tried looking everywhere but my eyes continued to wander on the three. But the third time, Amira was no longer with Cassian and Elijah. She was nowhere on the dance floor.

“All alone?” I hear her voice behind me as she sits in Elijah’s chair. I chuckle and turn slightly to face her. “Tired of dancing yet?” She rolls her eyes.

“I don’t even know if you would call what I was doing dancing.” She bites her lip and crosses her arms nervously. I reached over the table to grab her glass and poured her a drink. Handing it to her, she joked, “Trying to get me drunk?”

I laugh and shake my head. “Having fun?” She takes a drink and looks out to the dance floor. The light hit her face, slight beads of sweat glistened her forehead. Her silver hair which was once curled now in waves. She looked beautiful regardless.

She nodded at last. “I am. This night made up for the five years I went not celebrating it.” I looked at her with an eyebrow raised and she looked at me and laughed silently. “I just couldn’t celebrate it without my mom. Wouldn’t have been the same… you know?” I simply nod.

“Alright alright!” our heads shoot up to the stage where the announcer begins to say. “Time to slow things down a bit.” A few people groan and boo.

Amira laughs, “Tough crowd.” I laugh with her.

“I know… I know…” he goes on. “But we think some of you need a break.”

A slow song begins to play and I clear my throat, standing. Amira looks at me, cocking an eyebrow. I lend my hand out. “I think it’s only fair if you dance with me as well.” She smiles as she grabs my hand, not minding the scars on them.

I lead her to the dance floor and place my other arm around her waist as she places her hand on my shoulder. She lets out a huge breath and I laugh. “What?” I ask her. “Finally, something I know. I’m not used to the nightclub scene. I’ve only ever really been to balls and banquets.”

I smile as I pull her closer and she rests her head on my shoulder. Her arm bends so it rests on my back but her hand was still on the same shoulder her head was on.

The song lasted a couple minutes before it ended. She pulled away and looked up at me. “Thank you,” was all she said. “For what?”

“Giving me something normal and I’m more comfortable with.”

I give her a slight smile before leaning in and kissing her forehead. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you did something wrong. I just…” I let out a sigh. “I just felt bad for hurting you and never wanted to do it again.”

She looks up at me with her eyebrows knitted and confusion all over her face. “Azriel, you didn’t hurt me. We were sparring. Things happened.” I shrugged. She simply shakes her head and grasps both my hands. “Next time we spar and I end up groaning or yelling in pain, please don’t think it’s your fault.”

“You still want to spar with me?” I laugh and she nods. “Don’t tell Cassian,” she looks around and leans into my ear. “I would rather spar with you than him.”

“Azriel! Amira! Come on, cake time!” Mor interrupts and Amira pulls away laughing, letting go of my hands and walks over. I groan and walk after her.

She walks over to her chair and I take my seat next to Elijah, Cassian winking at me and I kick him under the table.

“Amren!” Amira exclaims as she walks towards the table. Amren shakes her head and walks towards her, handing her a wrapped box. Amira takes it and aww’s. “You should’ve had it.” Amren shrugs, “I actually like you.”

Amren and Amira have been hanging out a few times and they actually got along most nights. Others, Amren didn’t really speak.

We cut the cake as soon as Amren sat down and I could see Amira’s mood has changed from the first time she was brought here. She was happier, much more content, and for once, I was too.

***

Amira giggles as I land in the house. She almost falls in my arms. “Okay,” I say silently as I catch her and pull her up. I let out a breath, picking her up with an arm under her neck and one under her knees. She wraps her hands around my neck.

I walk towards her room and kneel down to open the door, careful not to drop her. Walking in, I place her on the bed lightly. “Amira,” I try to whisper and only get a groan in response. “Amira, you need to get up and change. You can sleep in a little.”

She shakes her head. “You undress me,” she says sleepily. My body stiffens and my wings fold themselves. “No Amira,” I said in my coldest tone. She groans once again and goes to stand but almost trips and I catch her. “How much did you drink after cake?” I laugh. “A lot,” she slurs and kicks off her heels.

I try my hardest to not turn around as she takes off her makeup and dress, staying in my place next to the bed, staring at the wall just in case she falls. Her drunken state causes her to bump into the most random things. She finally finishes, coming outside with her nightgown.

She steps in front of me and grabs her hair to push it to the side. “Can you?” she asks quietly. I clear my throat as I bring my hands up to the clasp of her necklace. The moment I do, she falls on the bed and I set her necklace down on the nightstand.

I shake my head at the drunken fae before me, grabbing her waist and raising her to pull back the covers and set her down. After making sure she was situated, I walked to the door and opened it.

“Hey Azriel,” she says sleepily. I turn around. “Can we dance again one day?” she asks. I chuckle. “We can dance as many times as you like.”

She yawns. “Good, I like dancing with you and your shadows. They made it feel like we were the only two in the room… they made me feel safe…”

After a couple seconds, I figured she passed out and closed her door.

My shadows made her feel… safe? I laugh quietly to myself and shake my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I hope y'all loved this chapter as much as I did... And that is her dress attached. Idk I just saw it and loved it. So I. hope y'all do as well. 
> 
> Anyways... I have to go do homework and work on the chapter for Wednesday...Winter Solstice coming right up.
> 
> Don't forget to kudos and comment please.
> 
> Also I posted what the dress looks like on the wattpad version, it's the same username but if anyone knows if I can somehow add photos here. Please let me know.
> 
> Much love <3


	10. Chapter 10

“Cassian, would you stop that?” I laugh. He was holding mistletoe and chasing me around the room with it. “Just a kiss, Mimi,” he laughs, using the nickname he gave me the night of my birthday when we were way too drunk to comprehend anything anymore. “Go kiss Mor.”

Mor shakes her head as she grabs some tinsel. “Oh, no-no-no. I’m sure Azriel or Amgen would like one though.” Amren shoots a glare at Mor than Cassian, “Come anywhere near me and I will rip apart your scrotum slowly.” I burst out laughing, tears threatening to come out.

Being off guard, Cassian comes up behind me and grabs my waist, spinning me in the air. “Cassian!” I yell. “Let me down, you giant!” He shakes his head. “Not until I received a kiss, you stepped under the doorway when I was already standing under it and you refused the ways of the mistletoe.”

I roll my eyes and lean down, kissing him on the forehead and he looks baffled. Mor laughs. “There,” I state smiling happily. “Now let me down.” He groans as he does so. “What are you? My mother?” He jokes. I shrug. “Fine, no more wine for you.”

I walk past him, grabbing the wine off the table and walking towards the kitchen. I hear him yell “No!” But continue walking. I needed to open it and we left the opening in the kitchen.

Setting the bottle down, I smile to myself. It’s been weeks since my birthday and we were currently decorating for the winter solstice. Mor and I figured we should still celebrate to keep festivities alive and it was my first one with them as well. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun.

Back in the Dawn Court, I never got to decorate the palace. I was allowed to oversee things and pick out decorations, colors, tinsels, and the materialistic portion. But for me? Lend a hand in actually setting it up… never. Something about a lady shouldn’t be doing the things that were meant for servants.

But no one ever said it was this much fun, I remember some years, I would help in the kitchen with Lucy. The cooks and bakers would have so much fun making desserts and dinners. They would dance around the kitchen while someone plays music. Laugh and talk. Lucy’s cookies would create a smell so wonderful it truly felt like I wasn’t royalty but an ordinary fae.

Mom and I would always have fun in the winter. Although we weren’t the winter court, it would still snow lightly. Not so much that the streets would fill with snow and no one can get anywhere but enough for the children to play.

“Need some help?” I hear a voice behind me ask. I turn and smile. “Get me some new glasses, please. Cassian broke ours.” Azriel chuckles and walks to the cabinet, bringing out two new glasses as I open the bottle. As I pour them, I ask Azriel, “Do you think you could take me out to Velaris to shop? I need to get your gifts and I want to bake some homemade cookies.”

He nods and smiles. “Cookies? You bake?” I shrug, “My aunt taught me her recipe. My mom, aunt, and I used to make them every Christmas. A tradition, if you will. Even if I can’t be with them, I still want to do it...to honor them.” He grabs the wine glass and Cassians. “Can I help? With baking?”

I nod and smile. “I would love that,” I say as I walk back to the chaos and madness happening in the other room.

***

“What does Amren like?” I ask Azriel as we walk down the hill. He shrugs. I hum as I look through the store windows until something red catches my eye. “Oh,” I say as I walk towards the store door a little faster. Azriel follows behind me.

I walk inside, looking around. “Hello?” I call out. “Right here darling,” a man says coming up from behind a counter. “Winter Solstice shopping?” I nod. “See anything that catches your eye.”

“The dagger in the store window? With the ruby in the center? Is it for sale?” I ask looking towards it. The man nods walking towards it and grabbing it off the rack. Azriel raises an eyebrow at me. “Are you sure with Cassian in the house, you want to give Amren a dagger?” I laugh. “Well, when you put it that way...yes. It would be very entertaining.”

He shakes his head at me and leans against the wall, his arms crossed as I talk with the gentleman. I admire the dagger. The black handle coming into a silver blade. A ruby in the center with black wings on either side. “It’s beautiful, I’ll take it,” I say handing it off to the man.

He wraps it up for me as I take my coins out. But with his back towards me, Azriel grabs my wrist and shakes his head. I let out a sigh. “Azriel, if you don’t let me pay for my gifts to you, the first thing Amren’s blade touches will be you. Please.” He gives me a hard glare before letting my wrist go. “Fine but you won’t pay for any of the baking supplies,” he says and turns to walk out the door.

I thank the man as he places the gift in the box and wraps it for me as well after I begged him not to go through the trouble. Was everyone in Velaris this sweet?

After shopping for Mor and Cassian-Cassian with the help of Azriel- Azriel and I went our separate ways. Solely because I wanted to get him his gift without him obviously knowing what I would be getting him and he agreed.

So here I was roaming around Velaris, what would a shadow singer want? Sighing, I stepped into Elijah’s shop. “Well if it isn’t my favorite person,” he laughs as I walk in and hug him hello. “To what do I owe the honor?”

I walk behind the counter and sit on the stool. “I need your help getting a gift for Azriel. Do you have any idea what a shadow singer Illyrian warrior of the High Lord of the Night Court’s inner circle would possibly want?” I say, waving my hands everywhere. He laughs.

“Well, have you tried asking him?” I cocked an eyebrow up. “Yes. Yes. You’re right. The whole point is to keep it a secret.” I place my head on my hand leaning on the counter. “Any idea?”

“You could give him a watch…” he suggests and I laugh. “A watch?” He laughs with me. “Have you ever seen him wear a watch?” I shake my head.

“Exactly. Every gentleman needs a watch. Here, I have the perfect one as well,” he says walking into the backroom.

He returns moments later with a black box and opens it as he nears me, handing me it. I look down to see a watch with a silver band and the crystal being a dark shade of blue. I look at it with awe, loving everything about it. “How much for it?” I ask. Elijah shakes his head. “No. It’s yours.”

I sigh and shake my head. “Elijah-”

“Don’t Elijah me, you take it and give it to him.” He crosses his arms and I sigh in defeat. “Fine. Thank you.”

Azriel walked into the store just as Elijah was finished placing his gift into the bag. I take the bag and thank him, following Azriel out the door. But not before promising to come to visit him tomorrow afternoon to give him his gift.

Azriel insists on carrying all the gifts and flying them. “I want to try something,” I say. He raises an eyebrow. “Oh, will you just put the gifts down,” I laugh. He shrugs and sets them on the ground. I look down at the gifts and close my eyes. I haven’t used my magic in so long, I was afraid to mess up. Thinking of my room in the House of Wind, I snapped my fingers and willed the presents to go there. Opening my eyes, I see the presents gone and giggled.

“It worked!” I said happily raising my hands. Azriel shook his head and with a slight smile, he said, “Let’s hope you didn’t throw them in the river.” I look offended saying, “Making jokes now? Someone’s getting comfortable.”

His face turned back to a cold stare and I immediately regretted saying something.

***

We finally returned to the house after hours of shopping and I first went to my room to check if the presents made it safely and they did but there were also presents I didn’t purchase nor did Azriel. I cock my head to the side and look at them confused before I hear Cassian’s voice behind me.

“Oh...umm… we need you to keep the presents as far away from us as possible.” I turn to see him scratching his neck. “We always try to peak and normally Rhys would take them but he isn’t here.” I laugh and nod.

“Of course. Are you helping me bake cookies with Azriel?” I ask. He looks at me wide-eyed and turns to walk towards the dining room. “I’ll get the wine!” He calls out over his shoulder. I shake my head and grin.

I walk into the kitchen to see Azriel’s back towards me and his hands on the island table, hunched over and whose wings are tight. His shadows seemed restless. Moving quickly and he looked like he was in serious thought. “Azriel?” I ask, walking forward slowly. He doesn’t respond so I walk around him and lean on the side of the island directly in front of him.

“Azriel,” I say again, placing my hand on one of his. He jolts his head towards mine and his shadows begin to calm down. “Are you alright?” His eyes search around the room before landing on my own, with a nod, he stands and grabs a pan without saying a word.

“Wine time!” Cassian shouts walking in, following with Mor and Amren. “I heard we’re baking?” Mor says gleefully. I nod and look at Amren. “You want to bake with us?” I say with slight confusion but amusement as well. Amren shrugs. “This is only happening once,” she says with a stern nod. We all laugh except for Azriel who seemed lost in his thoughts.

I set up the ingredients I had bought with Azriel on the island as Cassian poured us all wine. We were baking tonight so tomorrow evening, we could eat them as we opened presents.

In the midst of Cassian mixing the bowl, he broke the handle off the whisk and the batter went flying into Mor’s hair. I tried to contain my laughter as Mor stopped midway through a story she was telling to Amren and me, her mouth opening in shock but I failed miserably. Mor laughs but a different sort of laugh. One filled with evilness and I looked at Cassian.

I could’ve sworn I saw one of the greatest Illyrian warriors take a step back and it made me laugh even harder. Especially when Mor grabbed a wooden spoon and proceeded to chase Cassian out the kitchen to the dining room.

I looked at Azriel who I found smiling and shaking his head. “Should’ve bought Mor the dagger,” I joked and he chuckled. “You should’ve bought Cassian armor against Mor,” he jokes back. I laugh, shaking my head. “Nothing would protect Cassian from Mor’s wrath.”

Amren leans against the island, watching the two, and turns back towards me. “I could get used to you,” she says and points a spoon at me. I walk towards her and lean forward against the island, scooping some cookie dough with my finger and bringing it to my lip. “I could get used to you too,” I smile.

Azriel comes to my side and I grab two spoons, placing some cookie dough on both before handing one out to him. He looks at the spoon and reaches his hand out to grab it, making a cheering motion with our spoons.

I could get used to all of this.

***

Cassian hands me a glass as I sit on a single sofa. I thank him as I take it from his hands.

It was the next day and we were done with dinner, making our way to the living room to give our presents to each other. I was smiling so big that it began to hurt. I was happy. Though I missed my home, my people, and my family, I was grateful to have this new one. It’s been only a few months but I felt weirdly at home.

I watched Mor throw her head back and laughed as Cassian made a joke. Her legs across his lap as she laid sideways on the sofa and he sat up straight. Amren laying on the loveseat sofa and Azriel on the lone sofa next to me.

I moved in my seat, sitting sideways as well, my feet dangling towards Azriel. His shadows have been quiet all day and he seems more relaxed than yesterday. I decided against asking him, not wanting to cause him discomfort.

Cassian was telling a story of Rhysand and how one Solstice, he accidentally wished for all the presents to enter the wrong house and all their presents were gone. They searched for it for weeks only to find it in the hands of faes weeks later.

Hours had passed as stories were passed. And we were all laughing at the end of Mor’s, a story of how she had bought Rhys trousers that were a tad bit small.

“Amira, any Solstice stories?” Cassian asked.

“There was this one,” I smile, thinking back to memory far before the war. “About two years before the war, my lover, Damon, was invited over to Solstice with my family. Now, this was weeks after he met my mother and cousin so he was fairly new to them. His great idea was to buy me _intimate_ items and bring them to my family Solstice…”

Cassian bursts out into laughter. “No…”

I laugh but continue, “Anyways… he had thought he wrapped my gifts with dark blue paper and my families with pink paper but he had done the opposite. Fast forward to when we were passing around gifts, he gave one of my supposed boxes to my cousin and one to my mother. They opened their gifts and the look across their faces was one I will never forget.

My cousin received the gift of a short nightgown he had bought me with a note saying ‘I think you would look spectacular in this and I cannot wait to see it on you tonight.’ My cousin looked at his love and laughed, thinking it was a joke. But I knew the moment I looked at Damon, the horror and embarrassment he felt. My mom laughed and opened her gift but Damon immediately knew what he had done. My mom opened her box to find sets of lingerie that matched the color of the nightgown. I don’t think I have ever seen his face as red as I saw that night. My mother thought it was hilarious when she realized what had happened. She handed me the box and said, ‘I think this was meant for you.’ and that’s when my cousin also handed me his box, finally clicking in his head what had happened.”

They all burst out into laughter and I joined them. “He…” Cassian started but couldn’t finish, holding his stomach as he laughed till his face turned red.

“That’s not even the best part!” I laugh. “The next year, my mother hands a box to Damon with a set of lingerie for him. His face fumed with embarrassment and I laughed so hard, I fell off the chair.”

More laughter erupts and it takes us a few moments to calm ourselves down. Once we were settled, Cassian stands first towards the gifts I had brought over before we started. He grabs four boxes and hands one to each of us. I thank him as I begin unwrapping the large gift.

It was a brand new bow with silver arrows. I look up at him in awe. “You remembered?” One morning while we were training, I had told him of my love for archery and that I had lost my bow when those men attacked. He nodded and sat down. He had given Mor a two-piece red dress and Amren, a jar of something as dark as blood. I knew she was different. She smiled as she opened it and smelled it.

“Do you drink it?” I ask abruptly. She looks at me and smiles, “Would it scare you if I said yes?” I scoff and grab a glass for the table in front of me, handing it to her. “By all means. You must be hungry.” She smiles and nods, grabbing the glass from me.

“You are now my favorite, but don’t get all snobby. It doesn’t mean I like you,” she says. I nod and sit. I looked over to Azriel and saw he had gotten a new leather holster.

Mor went next. She got Cassian a red tie and something tells me that two coordinated something. She got Amren a bracelet of silver and Azriel a painted canvas of Illyrian wings. She got me two pairs of heels, a silver pair, and a black pair, for when we go to a party soon as she said.

Amren went third. She got Cassian and Azriel matching suits as if they needed another one. And for Mor, a gold necklace. She handed me a bag full of supplies. Ink, paper, quills, and much more. I smiled at her and thanked her.

I went after her. Standing and grabbing their gifts. I handed Amren hers first, then Mor, then Cassian, and finally Azriel. Sitting back down, I sat nervously for their reactions. Amren smiled at me and she loved it as Cassian joked it was a horrible idea. Mor yelled in glee, loving her gift as she has always been gifted necklaces and bracelets but never body jewelry. Cassian laughed at his gift and placed his new sword into the newly leather sword sheath I had gotten him. Azriel opened his gift with a cold look on his face and I couldn’t read whether or not he liked it but I didn’t want to ask him in front of everyone.

Azriel was finally last. He had gotten Amren a puzzle and I questioned it internally but he did know her better than I had. He had also gotten Mor jewelry as Mor is very fond of it. And for his brother, a new sword to which he looked at me as he sat back down, knowing the gift I had bought for him. When he sat, he handed me a card and I grabbed it. Looking at it, it read,

**_Balcony when we’re finished here. I’ll give you your gift when we are alone._ **

I bite my lip and smile at him, hiding it in the pocket of my sweatshirt before anyone had noticed.

We stayed up for a few more hours, laughing and talking until they got tired, Amren residing in her bedroom first, as she had one here when she wished to stay here. Cassian and Mor following suit.

The moment they had walked, Azriel stood and let out his hand for me to take. I untangled my legs and stood, taking his hand as he led us to the balcony.

Looking out to Velaris, the night sky gleamed over the light of the city, covered in snow. It was cold but not cold enough, we couldn’t stand it. The city’s light and color shined bright and I took everything in. The vibrant of the city mixed with the innocence of snow. If only they knew the horrors hiding beyond the walls but I was glad they didn’t. This was so much more precious.

Azriel left for a second before returning with a box in his hands. He opened it and handed it to me. I squint my eyes looking at him before grabbing the box and looking down and gasping. “Azriel,” I say, touching my necklace. It was a replica but a bracelet. Azriel reached over and took it outside the box, it’s silver glistening from the moonlight.

He turned it over for me to find an **_A_** had been carved in the back and I immediately knew it was for my name. But it wasn’t my name, it was my mother’s I was using. It made his gift even more perfect and he didn’t even know it. He unclasps the bracelet and I put my wrist out for him.

When he was finished, I admired the bracelet, wiping tears from my eyes. “You hate it,” he breathes and looks out to Velaris but I laugh softly. “No...no… it’s perfect.”

I touch his arm when he doesn’t turn. “Hey, I said it’s perfect,” I whisper and he lets out a breath. “Did you like the watch?” I look at my feet awaiting his response and he walks away, returning with it. He hands it to me and shrugs, “It’s only fair.”

We laugh as I unbuckle the clasp and he hands out his wrist. “It suits you,” I shrug. “Well, I love it. Thank you,” he says with a soft smile. I bite my lip and look up at his hazel eyes.

We were quiet for a few moments, no one moving. Until he clears his throat and looks out into the distance. “We should…” he stutters. “Go to bed. You have training tomorrow.”

I giggle at his stuttering and make my way inside after saying goodnight.

That night, I slept with a huge smile on myself, wondering how in the Cauldron I got so lucky to have met these people. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello!
> 
> I hope you all loved this chapter as I did. Just warning you, things will speed up from here a little because I do want to get to present day! I also drew a picture of the gifts and it is located on my wattpad because I can't put it on here...
> 
> Please don't forget to comment and kudos
> 
> Much love <3


	11. Chapter 11

***5 years later***

"From your right!" Cassian commands and I turn my body quickly, blocking Azriel's blade with mine. "Quicker next time Amira!"

I roll my eyes. "Do you need a break?" Azriel asks, our swords still clanging together. I nod. We rest our stances and walk over to Cassian, where Mor is waiting with cups of something cold.

It's been about 5 years since I arrived in Velaris and these past 5 years have been a blur. I spent my time training, hanging out with what I found was called months after I arrived- the inner circle, Elijah's shop, writing, riding Moon, and just little things to pass my time.

After Solstice was over and the warm weather arrived, Cassian and Azriel would stand in corners, whispering to each other about ways to enter the fortress Amarantha had built. Stopping every time I was in view.

After a year had passed, I fell into a wave of sadness, afraid I was never going to go home again. That the last thing that was said to my cousin was during a small argument. In the same way, my last moments with my mother were spent. Arguing about things that didn't seem to matter now.

I was afraid of the Day Court and the friends I had made there. Afraid for my people as well. Amarantha held all the High Lords captive. That was all we knew. So who was protecting the courts? Who was running them?

I didn't come out of my room for days. Didn't want to celebrate anything. I refused to partake in anything that brought happiness for the next five years. I didn't feel worthy.

Even for the event of Starfall, I chose to stay inside. How was I supposed to feel happy? Feel free? When my people weren't? How was I supposed to celebrate and cheer? When my people were dying and screaming?

I didn't celebrate my birthday nor did I celebrate Solstice. The inner-circle tried for many months, many years to bring me any sort of joy. The same joy that I felt when I first arrived. But as the months passed, the sadness crept in.

Suddenly finding what was "missing" in me didn't seem important anymore because another part of me was lost, destroyed, and broken. What was the point in fulfilling my heart if my heart continues to find new wounds to open?

As for the nightmares, they only appeared that one night... well up until two years ago. Right as the third year had passed, I began having nightmares monthly. A few times a month, sometimes. I would wake up drenched in sweat, sometimes feeling as if someone was drowning me, stealing the air from my lungs, and other times I would wake up screaming to which Azriel, Cassian, or Mor ran into my room to check on me. There were times I sobbed in Mor's arms and times where I wouldn't let them touch me.

I hated myself for waking them up but I wasn't the only one with nightmares. Mor began having them too. So did the Illyrians but they didn't wake up screaming as we did. Sometimes one of them would stay with either of us, waiting for us to fall back asleep and making sure we slept. Sometimes Mor and I slept in the same bed. It seemed when we had someone by our side, the nightmares wouldn't come. But not all the time.

As my nightmares got worse, I stopped sleeping. Afraid to close my eyes to see dead bodies of one's I loved or ones I had lost. I would become so tired during training, the mistakes could've been deadly. I would be so tired that when we were all sitting on the sofa, I would lean on whoever it was next to me, and the second my head had hit their shoulder, I was out like a light. 

When it was Azriel, I would feel him take my head off his shoulders into his lap, wrap a wing around me, and his shadows would engulf me as well. I would wake up, either still on the couch with Azriel or just laying there with a blacked across my body. I felt safe. It was the only place I got a truly good night's sleep. 

"Here you go," Mor hands me a glass. I thank her and chug the drink. It was filled with not wine nor tea but something sweet. "Mor, are you training?" Cassian asks. She nods and laughs. "What made you figure that out? My armor?" Cassian rolls his eyes. 

And indeed, Mor was dressed in her armor. Black, similar to the one Cassian had gotten me five years ago which I was wearing at the moment. "Perfect, you could spare with Amira. It's been a while since I took down Azriel," Cassian chuckles. Azriel finishes his drink and places it on the small tray that was placed on the table. Then, looks at Cassian with an eyebrow raised. 

"You and I both know, I always have you pinned on the ground," he says. "No! Remember that one time I continuously pinned you down..." 

"No, that was Rhys," Azriel interrupts. I laugh at Cassian's face of disappointment. 

Finishing our beverages, Mor and I head to the center of the field. "Sword or no sword, Morrigan?" I ask. Mor smiles, "Let's surprise each other." 

I laugh and place my dominant right foot in front of the other. Turning my body slightly sideways towards Mor, I attack first, aiming for her gut with my fist. She stumbles back slightly before recovering and jumps in the air, kicking her leg sideways, causing me to stumble back in return. 

She tries to swing right but I grab her arm and twist her body so it slams on the ground. She bounces back up almost immediately as I swing left and my fist connects with the side of her face. She spits out blood before turning back to me and drawing her sword out from the sheath on her left hip. I do the same. 

Our swords clang together and our hands swing in a circular motion as we release each other but clang again. Metal on metal sounds across the field. 

Not paying attention to her leg, Mor kicks my gut and I fall back. Her sword comes down but I'm quick with my defense. Her legs come on either side of my body, trying to use her weight to bring the sword to my throat. I grunt and groan as I use my weight to block her. 

_Find an opening. Use it to your advantage._ I hear Azriel's voice in my head. 

My eyes blink around her body. Her legs. I take the chance and bring one of my knees up to my chest before straightening it across her hip, bending it, and pushing her to the ground. She falls sideways and I use this opportunity to drop my sword. Using both hands, I push my back off the ground and stand quickly after grabbing my sword. Before she has recovered, my sword is pointed at her chin. 

We pant, trying to catch our breath from the short session. She smiles and laughs. "I think I'm a little rusty," she says in between pants. I laugh as she lays her head on the ground and closes her eyes, pretending to be dead. 

I stand up straight and hold on my hand for her to take. She opens one eye and smiles, grabbing my arm. 

As she stands, I look to my side to see Cassian and Azriel's swords clashing together. Their shirts were now off and their toned bodies with black inkings were now exposed. Some days I forget Azriel had inkings on his body. Cassian never hid them. Always wear short sleeves if he wasn't wearing armor. But Azriel was the opposite. He hid them behind long shirts and armor. He wasn't ashamed, just never cared to show it. Everyone knew he was Illyrian by the wings, the inkings were no different. 

I noticed mostly during their training together, they never used their wings. Cassian told me on the battlefield, the majority of their enemies do not have wings. And they were well versed in battling with their wings. They couldn't solely rely on them. Some training they used them but it was rare. So now, their wings were tucked into their bodies tightly, restricting their use. 

Their muscles contracted and released as they continuously clashed and hit, never taking a second to breathe. Cassian looked at his scariest in this form. He wasn't _Cassian-_ the loving, joking, and fun-filled Illyrian- he was someone different. His eyes were cold and dangerous. His body seemed bigger and looked as if it could crush someone within seconds. 

And Azriel. As if his normal self wasn't cold enough. On the field, he was fueled by rage and a protective instinct. To protect the ones he loved and made sure no harm came to them. His hatred for his enemies flowed through his shadows and body. His shadows moved with his movements as if they were helping him. And when Cassian would come up from behind, it's as if they warned him. 

I swore I stood watching them for at least 10 minutes before Cassian was thrown back and panted, not wanting to get up. He turned his head and smiled at Mor and me. "I totally won!" he exclaimed and threw his fist in the air. I shook my head and laughed as Azriel helped his brother up. 

We all went back inside shortly after. I was headed to my washroom to take a bath when Cassian grabbed my arm. 

"After your bath, get dressed. I want to take you somewhere if that's okay?" I nod and he lets my arm go. 

***

After finishing my bath, I walk over to my wardrobe. Opening it, I look across my options. I've gotten bigger over the past five years. My bones have been fully healed. I built more muscle. I ate so much more as Cassian would also place more and more food on my plate. 

For a bit when I was truly down, I never ate. It wasn't on purpose. I just was never hungry. My hunger was overrun by my pain. 

Everything was. 

I rarely wanted to leave my bed. I didn't want to train. Cassian had to coax me into training. Azriel forced me out of bed- if I stayed in it for too long- and carried me to the bath where Mor would help me bathe when my muscles refused to. 

But when the pain turned to anger about a year ago, all I wanted to do was train. I think I tried out the warriors. I needed to be ready. I wanted to rip Amarantha limb from limb. But before I did so, I wanted her to suffer. I wanted to bring down everything she built while she was forced to watch. 

I even wanted to hurt the King. She was his general after all. If it wasn't for him, she would never be in this position. And I've never liked the King of Hybern. Not one bit. When he murdered human slaves, I was angry. They did nothing wrong. 

This _wall_ dividing us is horrible. And if it were up to me, I would tear it down. We could live in peace-humans and faes- but no one thinks so. But I knew better. My grandmother used to tell me stories of the times when the fae and humans, even other creatures, lived as one and how it worked. No one knew what happened or why things began unsettling, she didn't know as well. 

I shook my head of my thoughts and took out some pants that were tight-fitting at the waistband and flowy along my legs. Then I grabbed a top that matched it, a top that had matching flowy sleeves and tight along my chest, ending just below my midriff, showing a small section of skin. It was a shade of dark plum and complimented my skin tone. 

I check myself in the mirror, washing my face and staring at my complexion. I've gotten a bit paler- probably from not being able to go outside without. the help of the Illyrians- and my hair was a sharp silver from having been redone a couple of days ago. 

With Mor's help shortly after I arrived, I found a hairdresser in Velaris. Since then, I've kept up with keeping my hair silver. Afraid that they were going to see my true hair colors- after everything goes back to normal and I go home- they would learn I'm not who I claimed to be this whole time. And no one outside of the Dawn Court could know.

Though one of the reasons was wanting to be someone different and needing to feel different because I thought it would help me find...whatever I felt was missing. I also needed to protect who I was. Bearer of the heir of the Dawn Court. The only one who knew of my royal status was Helion. The others never bothered visiting to realize Thesan had a cousin. His father thought it was best not to announce it to the world. 

Even though I trusted the Inner Circle, I couldn't tell them. It wasn't only my secret to tell. If anyone were to know that Thesan planned on never having children and that I was to produce one to give to him, I would be a liability. When Thesan deemed it was time, he would tell the world about me and who I really was, after I safely gave birth to an heir. 

Our people, however, knew and accepted me as their "lady". A member of the royal family. But it was to remain a secret. And they wouldn't dare to disobey their High Lord. They felt no need to. I've asked because my curiosity got the best of me. Some had told me, they weren't being mistreated nor was I a horrible Lady, so what did they have to tell?

A knock fell upon my door. I opened it to see Cassian. "Ready to go?" he asks, rocking on his heels. I nod and step out, closing the door behind me and placing my hands in his that he was holding out.

***

We landed after a couple of moments and I steadied myself, holding onto his arms. He nods his head down the street and I follow him, taking in the vibrant city under the moon and stars. We stop in front of a small cafe and a waiter of blue skin takes us to a table located on the outside patio. I thank him and sit down. 

"So," I laugh. "You brought me to eat dinner?" Cassian laughs and shakes his head. "Well no. I brought you to change your scenery. And talk to you about some things." I raise an eyebrow and try to ask him what he wanted to talk about but the waiter comes back. 

He asked what we would like to drink but I didn't look at the menu. Cassian ordered for us, two hot chocolates with crepes. I gasped as the waiter walked away. "They have crepes?" I ask. Cassian chuckles and nods. "It's why I brought you here. I heard you talking with Mor about wishing your mother's. Not the same but." He shrugs and I smile. 

My hand comes across the table and I touch the back of his hand. "It was the thought that counts. Thank you." We talked about fillings that belonged in crepes. Apparently, he never knew dinner items could be placed. I laughed at his expression when I stated that my mother once filled our crepes with beef, mushroom, and spinach. 

Our waiter came along shortly after with our drinks, asking if we wanted chocolate on our crepes that would come out shortly. I nodded and asked if they could add fruits onto it, whatever the chef saw fit. Cassian just said to do the same with his. 

I bring the mug to my lips, blowing lightly but Cassian immediately drinks and hisses. I laugh at his quick action. "Aww Illyrian got a tongue burn," I taunt. He shakes his head at me and squints. "Oh quiet and drink." 

When our crepes come shortly after being filled with fruits and drizzled with chocolate. I dig right in, savoring the taste of the first bite and shifting in my chair. Now, this...this tasted like home. So much as if my mother had made it. Cassian laughs at how fast I demolished the crepe. 

There was not much talking, mostly just silence as we ate our crepes. The only talking was small talk and jokes. 

Before we left, the chef walked out and greeted Cassian, clapping his hand on his shoulder as his other shook Cassian's hand. "Great to see you again," he says. "And you as well Cornelius," Cassian says. Cornelius turns and looks at me. 

"Amira?" he asks, his eyes going wide. "Is it really you? Or..." His eyes widened in realization. "Maliha." I gasp silently at my name being said but Cassian looks at him confused. "What? No, you were right the first time," he says. "This is Amira." But his facial expression still held a confused look. 

Cornelius shakes his head and smiles, shaking my hand. "I'm so sorry. You look like an old friend of mine, her name was Amira too, what a coincidence. You look so much like her so I figured you were her daughter." I laugh uncomfortably but then something in my brain switches. 

Old friend? Amira and her daughter Maliha? Nothing in life was that coincidental. "Old friend?" I ask. "What happened to them?" He sighs and let's go of my hand, shrugging. "To be honest with both of you, I have no idea. They used to come to my cafe regularly. I even taught them how to make crepes. Maliha used to run around with flour all over herself. But one day, they disappeared. I figured they left Velaris. Went back to the home Amira had always talked about." 

My head began to spin. He couldn't be talking about my mother and me. I had never been to Velaris. Ever. My mother would've told me about this place. The only place I had gone to was the Day Court and when I fought in the war. 

But then again, Did I know my mother as well I thought? Didn't I accuse her of hiding secrets? How many faes in the world were named Amira and had a daughter named Maliha? What were the odds? And this city? It's always been a secret. Maybe if I did live here once before, my mother would have kept it from me. To protect it. But from me? That didn't make any sense. 

And he taught Amira how to make crepes. The crepes tasted exactly like my mother's. Did she learn from him? I needed to find out. Needed to find the truth but all the diaries my mother kept were back at the Dawn Court. 

I wasn't paying attention to the next few things Cornelius said until he excused himself. I sighed heavily, mourning the fact I may never know the true truth without going through my mother's things. And when I had access to them was a time that wouldn't be anytime soon. 

Cassian placed a hand on my back and led me out of the cafe gate. We walked towards the bridge, I sidestepped a few children laughing and running past. Cassian extended his elbow and I looped my hand around his arm, walking by his side. 

The wind rushed through us. Though it was summer and the wind was chilly, thanks to it being Night Court. But when the sun was out, it was sometimes too hot that I stayed indoors under the cool mountain. 

"So...umm...that was a weird coincidence," Cassian laughed. I laugh with him but I was uncomfortable. I just hoped he didn't sense it. I clear my throat, "You said you wanted to talk to me about something?" 

"Yea," he nods his head. "Umm...but first, how are you?" I look at him and laugh. "I'm good. How are you..."

"No, Amira. I meant _How are you_?"

I sigh and look out to the musicians singing on the streets. "I'm living. I don't know Cassian. I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can but I can't. Everything reminds me of home. And every day it hurts a little more. Seeing life in Velaris is nothing like the Dawn Court but just the smiles and laughter sound like home. I remember looking out my window and seeing children run and play. I remember the smell of baked goods as I walk through the village. It's hard, knowing that while I'm here safe behind the walls... they...they're not."

He sighs. "Amira, it isn't your fault you stumbled upon the safety of Velaris. And none of us knew this would happen. None of us knew about Amarantha. How would we have known? Trust me, if we knew, I would've done anything to have made sure Amarantha was stopped before she got started. But this...this isn't your fault."

"But Cassian, you don't understand. I just left. Because I felt like something inside me was missing. It was stupid and immature to leave my family behind and come all the way to the Night Court based on an instinct. I didn't even get to tell them goodbye. Hours before I left, my cousin told me not to but I didn't listen. I argued and left regardless."

Cassian stopped us in the middle of the bridge and brought us to the railing. He leaned the elbow that wasn't linked to my hand on the railing and I did the same. I let go of his arm and turned to face the river's sapphire water. 

"Did I ever tell you how I met Azriel and Rhysand?" he asks, staring out into the water. I shake my head, "No." 

"Well, I'm a bastard child-like you- my mother was Illyrian and my father was some warrior. My mother sent me away from her war camp to another one. As a child, I had nothing. No food or shelter. No clothes. I would fight other children to claim some sort of possessions. Years later, I came back to my mother's war camp where I met Rhysand. I challenged him and we both received lashings. 

One night, Rhys saw me camping outside and woke me up in the middle of the night to take me to his tent. His mother cared for me but Rhys and I hated each other. But we tolerated each other since if we caused any trouble, no food for either of us. Then Azriel came. Rhys and I made his life hell at first. Until his mother took him in also. As we grew older, we realized we were stronger together than against. And now look at us. Three brothers."

He smiles at the memories and I laugh, "Wait. You guys hated each other?" Cassian laughs and nods. "Oh, you should have seen the pranks and torture we played on each other. It was horrible." 

I shake my head. "Was there a point to the story? Or was it just to make me smile?" Cassian laughs again and nods. "The point was I felt something was missing all my life too. Everyone does at first because we are still finding who we are. And everyone finds that missing piece when they are ready. I mean I found it the moment Rhysand and Azriel walked into my life but I just didn't know it until we branded ourselves as brothers. And what I did to get there, the training. The theft. The lashes. Everything, it didn't make me a bad person. It made me...me.

You took a gut feeling just as I did when I left my war camp to go back to my mother's and now you're here. It doesn't mean you might find the thing you're looking for here but you took a chance. And you shouldn't punish yourself for it. You shouldn't punish yourself for other people's pain. You need to live. We don't know when we can leave or when Rhys will return or when the war will break out. But you can't sit there and mourn over a day we don't know will ever come. 

Stop blaming yourself. Stop putting yourself down. I know it's easier said than done but you don't try, love. You don't allow yourself too. Don't you remember how happy you were when you first arrived? You told me you didn't feel that happy in years. Allow yourself to do it again."

I swiped away the tears that were coming down my face. "I don't know how to," I croak out. "I just... It's hard. How do I live my life if my whole life belongs to someone else? Someplace else." 

Cassian grabs my upper arm lightly and brings me to his chest. I wrap my arms around his torso as he wraps him around my body and his wings do the same. His head falls upon my chin. "You remind me a lot like Azriel, carrying other's problems and lives in your hand. Thinking you have to be everyone's rock and like everyone is depending on you. I told him what I'm telling you, you can't take care of others if you're drowning yourself. So breathe first, rest, take care of you, and I promise you the day we can leave, I will be by your side taking down Amarantha and giving you back your home."

I nod against his chest and try to calm my sobbing. I would try it. It would be hard, very hard but I wanted to try. If I kept going down this route, I would not only lose myself, even more, I would break myself to the point where repair would be almost impossible. 

"Ready to go home?" Cassian asks without letting go. I sniffle. "Yes, please," I whisper. Without another word, he unwraps his wings and flies into the air. I don't really pay attention to the world around me much and focus on the safety I felt with Cassian. We arrived in a matter of seconds. When we landed, he followed me to my bedroom. Before entering, I noticed Azriel giving him a nod and mouthing something. _Thank you._

I assumed Cassian nodded back and walked towards my bed. "Can you stay?" I ask my voice barely above a whisper. "Just until I fall asleep?" He comes into my view and nods. We take our shoes off and leave it by the door. 

I walk to my bed, too tired and drained to change my clothes, and go under the covers. Cassian follows, climbing into my bed and leaning against my headboard slightly, his wings falling into the cracks of where the headboard is and the bed. I place my head on his chest and one of his wings wrap around me. I sigh heavily and close my eyes, hoping the nightmares wouldn't come. 

I was safe with Cassian. Safe with Azriel. Safe with Mor. Safe in Velaris. And one day, I would make sure my people felt the same way I felt in this moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So for now, we will be taking 5 year jumps until the present day! Hope you are all prepared for it! I'm excited about the chapters to start picking up.
> 
> Much Love
> 
> <3


	12. Chapter 12

***5 years Later- Azriel's POV***

"No luck with Rhysand?" Cassian asks me, walking into my room. I shake my head. It's been a decade since we've heard from our High Lord- or how I know him, my brother- and this past decade has drained us all.

10 years ago, Amira awoke from her slumber and brought some new joy to our lives. Mor gained a sister, Cassian gained a friend, Amren gained an... acquaintance, and I? Well, I gained... I'm not sure how to describe it. At first, I was wary. Hopefully wishing I didn't bring a traitor to my home. But as the days flew past, I realized she lost just as much as the rest of us.

If not more. She lost her home, her family, and life as she knew it. She didn't ask to come to Velaris. Didn't even know the secret city of dreams existed. I brought her here while she was on the brink of death. And when she woke up a month later, we had to tell her she was stuck here. And that we did not know of the fate of her family. And that she could not leave.

I can't help but feel a little selfish. Maybe she could've. But that meant bringing down the forcefield Rhysand placed on Velaris with the last bit of his powers, leaving Velaris vulnerable. And I could not let that happen. So, we told her she couldn't go home.

We managed to keep her occupied but one night everything changed. Around the anniversary of Amira's arrival, we woke to her screaming and crying. I was the first to burst through her door. She was fast asleep. Screaming as if someone was plunging a knife through her skin again and again. She was screaming for her mother, her cousin, someone named Lucy, and some other names.

It took 10 minutes to wake her from her night terror. Cassian trying to shake her awake. Mor trying to pour water on her and placing a wet towel on her head. She finally woke when I sat near her, wrapping my wings around her body as protection. My shadows engulfed her. But even then, it took her an hour to calm down.

After that, she changed. Sleeping came less and less. Her appetites became smaller and smaller. Her anger grew and grew. Her training to get back to her full warrior self became more frequent and lasted from dawn to sunset. Our sparring became more intense. Mor began sparing with her as well. Amren spared her a few times. I don't think I've ever seen Amren spar with anymore. They clashed, their strength matching each other. I think Amren liked having someone as a challenge.

Apart from training, she wasn't the same. We never celebrated her birthday after the one time. Solstice became dull. She would stay locked in her room and we never blamed her. We would leave presents outside her door and the next morning she would try to give them back. Then she would feel horrible, not being able to give us gifts in return but we never minded it. She never even celebrated Starfall in the decade she's been here.

Though the change in her happened around wintertime, the first Starfall without Rhysand weighed on Velaris. Their Highlord wasn't here. People began asking questions. When Cassian and I told them, no one felt it right to throw parties. Instead, the first Starfall without Rhys was spent with people viewing from their homes. With their families. As a way to be grateful they were with their loved ones and safe from harm.

Amira didn't feel it right to celebrate a tradition that wasn't hers. And that was special to the Night Court. So, she watched from afar. Not truly taking in the beauty of the sky. And then every year after that, when the parties occurred, she stayed in her bedroom.

5 years ago, our circle-amid Amira- decided one of us needed to converse with her. To help her realize this wasn't her fault, that she shouldn't blame herself for all of this. Cassian wanted to be that person. And so he did. When they returned and I saw Amira go to her room, her eyes and face red from tears, my heart turned.

I grew to care for her in the decade that has passed. I would be lying if I said there hasn't been a connection between us but neither of us made any move to see if there was something. Cassian had once confronted me after my first time sleeping on the couch with Amira's head on my lap, saying if my past feelings for Mor was the thing stopping me from exploring my feelings for Amira, I had to get over it.

After the conversation with Cassian, she started letting herself have fun. But it's still been a tough 5 years. She still chose not to celebrate Starfall. Her birthday celebration was only dinner with the five of us. Twice, Elijah joined. She actually sat with us on Solstice night but didn't partake in the decorating. She lightened her training. She let us take her out to the city instead of being in her room all day. Some days she spent with Elijah at his shop.

She began writing again, seeing as how she now had time. But we were never allowed to read what she wrote. She always ended up burning the pages she wrote. Not like any of them. She wanted to keep her promise to Elijah, trying to write him something. It's been a decade and she hasn't liked anything.

I tried helping one day when it was only the two of us in the house. She said she couldn't concentrate and nothing was coming out the way she wanted. Afterward, I would take her to the city, calming her from her frustration.

For the most part, she's trying to become "normal" as she puts it. I don't think normal even exists but whatever her "normal" is, I want to help her.

But then I've been growing tired. My shadows become more and more restless as time passes. Their whispers drive me insane. I don't know how to calm them. They're angry at Amarantha. Worried about our home. Confused about my feelings for Amira. Intrigued by Amira.

More often than not, I sometimes go to the training field and let out my frustration. I've been trying on multiple counts trying to contact Rhysand. Cassian as well. We don't know what's going on. Cassian hasn't been able to contact his troops due to no outside contact. He's been growing irritated because he doesn't know what's going on at the Illyrian camps.

For some reason, I've tried closing my eyes and talking to Rhys, hoping he would hear me. Nothing. Time and time again I've tried. Nothing. Cauldron, I've tried going to the ends of Velaris, hoping it would strengthen the connection. Nothing.

"No," I say in frustration, slamming the book on my desk. I brought a book from the library about witches, thinking they could help. Nothing. All the book talked about was who they are, where they came from, and nothing about how to contact one. Or how to find if one is a witch.

Cassian raises an eyebrow and picks up the book. "The Folklore of Witches," he reads and chuckles. Leaning against my desk facing my bed, he crosses his arms, cocking his head towards me as I sit on the chair facing the opposite direction. "You really believe witches will be able to help?" he asks.

I sigh, throwing my head back, and raising my elbow above my eyes. "I don't know," I confess. "Cassian, it's our last resort. How else can we contact anyone outside Velaris to know what's going on."

He shakes his head. "Maybe it would be a good idea, does the book say anything about how to contact one?" I raise my arm from my eyes and drum my fingers on the wood. "No, nothing."

We stay silent for a few moments before Cassian suggests, "What about Amira?" I look at him confused. "What about her?" I ask. Cassian shrugs, "What if she knows about witches? I mean, we don't really know much about her. Maybe this is one of the things she can help with?"

I look down at my desk. He's right. I haven't brought this theory up with anyone and witches were a subject no one really talked about unless you needed one. They lived among fae but kept to themselves. Although they themselves were also fae, they preferred not to be called faes. Hence just being referred to as witches. Witches came in all sorts. Some had magic connected to the elements. Others used dark magic. Some had specialties in potions and materialistic magic.

"Maybe I will go ask her," I stand from my seat. Cassian stops me, placing a hard on my shoulder. "Maybe not at this moment," he states. I cock both my eyebrows up.

He laughs uncomfortably. "Mor is with Amira right now. Her...cycle... has begun again. I tried surprising her, bringing her tea and she lashed out at me to get Mor and wine." My mouth makes an o shape and I nod. "Well," I shift uncomfortably. "We should go get dinner."

"But it's only noon..." he makes a face of realization. "You know, we should. But let's roam the city. It's been a while since we've seen our friends."

He turns quickly and we leave my room. Stopping in front of Amira's door, Cassian knocks twice. "We're going to go get dinner. Any cravings?" I smack Cassian's head. "Cravings?" My mouth. "Is that really necessary?"

He shrugs. "I don't know," he hisses. "Don't females crave things? You think living with Mor all these years and Amira for a decade, we would figure this out."

"Buy wine!" we hear Amira groan. "And pasta! White sauce!" We hear shuffling and the door slightly open to see Mor. "She wants seafood white pasta and white wine. I'll have the same. Also, go by Madja."

"Mor, do we have to go by Madja?" Cassian whines, not wanting to explain to our healer why we're visiting. Mor glares at him. "Cassian!" Amira yells. "I swear to the mother, if you don't get me some sort of herb to help my pain, I will torture you starting with your wings so you could feel my pain."

Cassian looks horrified as Mor smiles at him. "Yes ma'am," his voice cracks. Mor nods and slams the door shut. We walk towards the balcony and I laugh at Cassian's look on his face. He touches his wings. "They scare me," he confesses. I chuckle and clap my hand on his shoulder, "Ah brother, you need to begin learning to keep your mouth shut."

He slaps my hand away and flies out the balcony. I shake my head and follow.

***

I knock on the door lightly, waiting for a reply. "Come in," I hear a faint response. I open the door slowly and peer into the bedroom, a cup of tea in my hands. The room was dark, only some light from the lamp on the nightstand.

Amira's face was planted on a pillow and her stomach on the bed. The comforter pulled all the way up. It's been three days since the start of her cycle. She hasn't left her room nor spoken to Cassian and me. Only Mor has been in the room. She would come in the morning and leave once Amira had fallen asleep. Amren visited yesterday and stayed the entire day.

Clearing my throat, I say, "I brought you some tea." She lifts her head slightly and turns to look at me. I place the tea on the nightstand. "Thank you," she says, her voice no more than a whisper. I nod and begin walking towards the door. "Do you want to stay?"

I pause and turn slightly. My shadows grew restless, moving quickly. But they were telling me to stay, to comfort her. Grabbing the chair near her bed, I turn it to face her and sit but keep my head towards the ground.

I hear shuffling on the bed and look up to see Amira now propped up on the bed frame, tea in hand. I shift uncomfortably. How do you comfort a woman during her cycle? This was a first for me.

"How are you..." I stumble on my words. "Feeling?" She raises an eyebrow as she brings the cup to her lips. After taking a sip, she answers. "Truth or lie?" I raise both eyebrows. "There's a truth and a lie?"

She laughs softly, "Lie, I'm doing okay. Truth, I feel like I'm being pinned against a wall and people are aiming their daggers at me. And one by one, I feel their daggers in my skin." I shake my head, "Doesn't help that you're basically bleeding to death, does it?"

She smiles. "It doesn't disgust you?" I look at her confusedly, "Why would it? It's normal for females. If anything, men should be thankful. You're only going through this because it makes you fertile."

She doesn't say anything and places her tea on the nightstand. Then returns to her position with her knees bent. Her arms crossed over and her head on them, turned facing me. Biting her lip, she lets out a small laugh. "You're very different Azriel," she says.

My wings involuntarily stiffen at her voice saying my name. I don't know what it was. We weren't mates. We've had 10 years where a mating bond could've snapped to place. Why wouldn't it have done it? But I did feel something. Maybe, I was just interested.

I wouldn't know where to start. I spent centuries pounding over Mor. Even before then, I never knew the feeling of love. Not that I was in love with Amira. I barely even know what loving a person felt like other than what I feel for Velaris and the Inner Circle. But that was different love.

"Sorry," she blurts out and drags me away from my thoughts. "I made you uncomfortable as usual." She laughs nervously. I, now, knew her laughs. She had different ones. One when she was nervous. One when she was uncomfortable. One when she was happy. The one where she was so happy to the point where it became silent. Was that normal? To be able to tell apart someone's laughter?

And her smiles. I knew her real smile. The smile she makes when she's upset and tries to hide it. The smile when she doesn't even realize she is smiling.

The smile that screams helps me when she's in an uncomfortable stance. That smile I learned when we were once out at night in Velaris and a male fae was trying to get her to dance. She looked over at the table where I was the only one left sitting. At first, I didn't think anything of it until I saw her eyes. They were darting from the male to me quickly and her smile was so big, any wider and her skin would tear. I felt it in my shadows that she was uncomfortable. Never again would I wait that long to intervene again.

I shake my head, "No. You didn't." She rolls her eyes. "I saw your wings stiffen Az," she states with my nickname she had given me. Which is what most of the circle has been calling me since she gave it to me on the training ground.

At first, I found it weird but hearing her say it...I grew to like it. Now with Cassian, I wanted to grab him by the wings and throw him to the other side of Velaris.

"Did you finish your tea?" I ask, ignoring her statement. She nodded, "Yes. Thank you."

Moments of silence passed by and no one said a word. I didn't expect to be in here that long. And I didn't know what to say. We never were alone for this long with both of us still awake.

When we were alone, it would only last a few moments before Mor and Cassian barged in the door. When I would help her write or try to, I would stay silent. Either reading or coming up with plans to get Rhys out of the mountain. When she would have night terrors, we would sit in silence, only a few statements coming out. Never once did she speak of them. But even then, once she would calm down, she would fall right asleep. In the city, we talked about the city. During training, we talked about training, weapons, stances, and everything in between.

But now? We were alone. No one else was here. Mor and Cassian had gone out and I was here with Amira. Both of us awake and within the same four walls. And I had no idea what to say. Cassian told me to talk to her, get to know her, and become a man and tell her I was interested. But instead, I stayed silent.

My shadows weren't helping. They were whispering nonsense and not at a great volume either. It was like a nag in my ear, distracting me.

"You don't show your markings a lot," Amira says quietly. I look at my crossed arms, my body leaning against the chair. Markings along my upper arms, the Illyrian markings. But did she know what they are?

"I don't try to hide them. But with my armor, they don't have a place to show," I shrug. "But you don't have to wear armor anymore. Not right now, there's no danger," she says. She's right. I sigh. "But what if one day, danger does come and I'm in a simple short sleeve shirt and pants," I answer.

She shrugs. "Az, don't you think if Rhysand told Amarantha about Velaris or she found out, she would've attacked by now? It's been 10 years." She said the last sentence softer than the first like she too just realized a decade has passed. But she also didn't want to believe it.

I run a hand along my face and move some hair out of my face. "I guess, you're right," I cave. "Actually, there is something I wanted to ask you," I say. I didn't want to bring it up until after her cycle was over but the sooner the better. "But, if this isn't a good time. We could talk about it once your cycle is over."

She shakes her head. "No, if this will help ask me now." I raise an eyebrow, hating seeing the small glisten in her eyes. The glisten of hope. Normally, I would be glad to see it. But what I was going to ask and she knew nothing, it would be gone. My shadows stopped moving and stayed still around me.

"Do you know anything about witches?" I ask bluntly. She stiffens, "Do you think they could help?" I squint my eyes at her, taking in her body movement. She knew something but she didn't look comfortable talking about it. I nod in response.

She sighs. "Yes," she answers. "Yes, I know a lot. But if we are going to talk about this, can you help me do something first?"

"Anything."

She shifts and laughs. "Can you help me get in the bath? Mor's not here and this is a long topic. I don't feel like talking about it while I'm drenched in my own sweat." I clear my throat. This was not what I was expecting. "You know what, nevermind. Umm witches.."

"No, no. I'll help. I've just never been asked that before."

She groans and places her head on her knees. "I've never asked a male before. By the Cauldron, I'm making a fool of myself." I laugh and stand, stretching out a hand for her to take.

"You're not making a fool out of yourself," I say, trying to ease her worries. She looks up and sees my hand, a small smile taking place where her frown once was. She places her hand in mine and slowly makes her way towards the edge of her bed. Pulling her up, I hear her wince. I forgot she was still in pain. She didn't show it.

The moment she stood, she collided with my shoulders. I quickly wrapped an arm around her waist. I could hear her trying hard not to make any sound of pain but a whimper left her lips. "Are you alright?" I ask. "Do you want to go back to bed?"

She shakes her head. "No," I could hear the pain in her voice. Much clearer than in anything else she's said. How much was she holding back while I was here? "Just please give me a second."

I stay silent, looking at the wall in front of me but glancing at Amira a couple of times. Her head was towards the floor and not once did she look up at me.

"Okay," she says, sucking in a breath. "I'm okay." Instead of responding and helping her walk, I knelt down a little and grab the back of her knees, hoisting her up with my other arm still around her waist. She grabs ahold of my neck as I walk her to the washroom.

I placed her on the bath railing as I turned the water on, making sure it would be okay for her. I hoped she could undress but seeing as she couldn't even stand or move a muscle, I don't think she could. Dammit, Mor. And Cassian. They did this on purpose. Maybe.

I scratch my neck and look at the weak fae in front of me. She might have been one of the strongest ones I know inside and on the field but right now, I saw the complete opposite. In the light, her face was much paler. Her skin looked tired and weak. Her head was against the walls and her eyes were closed.

This is what women had to go through to provide for men's offspring. Twice a year? And I heard humans, once a month? Yet Illyrians still think it's right to take the wings of our women. Rhys wanted to change the rule and I hope one day he will. Forever. For all camps.

"Amira," I called out to her. She seemed so far away. She hummed in response. "Come on," I say quietly, grabbing her arms to pull her up. She places both hands on my shoulders and I involuntarily stiffen but hoped she was too weak to notice. We were too close to each other. Closer than we've ever been and if I were to undress her, I don't know what would open up inside me from the level of intimacy.

"Can you undress?" I ask, looking down at her seeing her head on my chest. She was only wearing a nightgown that stopped at the top of her thighs. The material was a thin black color made of silk and it was pressed against her body, highlighting every dip and curve she had. Probably from the sweat her body had produced.

She didn't particularly smell pleasant but it wasn't her fault. She normally smelt like vanilla with a hint of lavender on some days. But now? I could smell the blood and sweat. Her vanilla scent coated with the smell of a battlefield.

She nods against my chest and lifts her head. She tries to back away to leave space between us to undress but fails when her knees buckle and hiss through the pain. I quickly grab her before her body hits the floor and place her back on the bath railing.

By the Cauldron. What do I do?

I wrap my wings around her shielding her body from my eyes and let her stay seated as she undresses. To give her privacy, I look up at the ceiling. I hear shuffling and slight hissings but I knew Amira was trying her best not to let her pain show through. "Thank you," she says softly. I nodded in response.

After she was done undressing, I slowly helped pick her up, doing my best not to touch any intimate part of her body. Not only for me but her as well. I don't look at her as I place her into the bath and her body sinks under the soapy water.

When I go to leave, her voice stops me. "Don't you want to know about witches?" I turn to face her, my hands clasping behind my back. "Now?" I question.

She laughs, "The water is helping with my cycle. I would much rather talk now rather than when I'm in bed and more pain. This past hour has been excruciating pain and I don't think I can continue to pretend it's not any longer."

My face falls at her statement. So, she has been in pain all this time? And she's been holding it back in front of me? With a nod, I sit on the toilet seat, facing the wall.

"Okay," she says, letting out a sigh. From the corner of my eyes, I see her grab a soap bar and lavish it on her skin. This would be difficult but it was the only way to find out what she knows as soon as possible.

"When I was younger, my mother told me I had horrible headaches. One's that would cause me so much pain, I wouldn't really pay attention to anything but. To help me, my mother learned about witches and she tried seeking one out. It turned out, one lived in the Dawn Court. My mother found her identity through a friend and sought her out.

Upon meeting, she learned about the witch and told her about me. I don't remember her face or what she looked like. I was too young. Just a little over a decade. The witch made me a potion and it helped. It cured me, I think. I still have headaches but not as bad supposedly. Centuries later, when I found out my mother was sick, I tried finding the witch. But she moved out of the Dawn Court.

No one knew of her. I tried speaking with my Aunt and she had told me no magic would help my mother. I fought and pleaded with her to help me find a witch. When she refused, I decided to search on my own. I knew my mother was dying but not when. I hoped I had time.

I found a witch, living in the woods. But she had also told me my mother couldn't be saved. It was too late in the illness. Anyways, witches are hard to find. They don't want to be found. They know once they're found, all people want to do is use their magic. It was hell finding one witch.

But there is a way. Witches are found within their elements. If you need a witch specialized in water, they tend to live near a body of water. And so on. What sort of witch are you looking for?"

With a sigh, I answer, "I don't know. I want to find one that could help me contact the outside world. Or to try and contact Rhysand. Or to predict the future so we know how to prepare. I'm not really knowledgeable on witches."

She laughs, "So you need a prophecy witch and an ordinary magical witch. Well, a magical witch may be able to use a spell to tell you what happens but a prophecy witch might be a little more accurate. Ordinary witches are not hard to find. Do you have a place in Velaris that's specifically for herbs and maybe antiques? Most I've learned from stories love to be surrounded by this sort of thing."

I raise my eyebrow, how did she know all of this? I nod, "Yes. I think we have one shop. How did you learn all this Amira? I've read countless books and barely have been able to gather information?"

"My aunt," she shrugs. "Lucy lived around witches when she was younger and after my mother died, I asked her to tell me everything about them so that one day if I needed, I would be more prepared to ask for a witches help. Healers could only do so much Azriel. Magic is a powerful thing but with every spell, there is a price to pay. And most witches like to keep their magic away from the hands of enemies and evil. It's why when the wall was built, they fled and hid. There was once a time when all creatures lived in harmony, even humans."

"Do you want that?" She looks up at me with a confused expression. I turn my head to face her, making sure my eyes only lay upon her head and nothing lower. "Do you want harmony again?" I clarify. She nods, "Don't you?"

"I'm not sure. It would be nice but not something I really think about," I answer truthfully.

I stay silent for the remainder of her bath, only listening to the slight splashes of water coming from her. I stare at the wall and the door, trying to give her the privacy she needed. I did steal small glances at her. She looked content but upset. I knew the question I had asked opened up some wounds for her. She tried using a witch to help her mother and she couldn't. And here I was, opening her wounds for my own reasons. As much as this could help her, it was more for me. To save Rhys and keep Velaris safe from the intruder that's only a small distance away.

When she was done with her bath, I brought her clothes from her dresser. A simple blue nightgown with undergarments. I felt my face heat up when I had opened her drawer and I hoped she wouldn't notice.

Keeping my eyes on the ceiling, I helped her stand and kept her steady as she dressed herself. My hands were kept near her waist barely touching her skin but when she moved I felt her skin brush my fingertips. My wings wrapped around her, cocooning her to give her privacy. I knew she was in pain but she didn't show it.

I helped her get into bed, placing the covers on top of her body. I could smell the strong scent of her cycle rushing back. The remedies of the water gone and now the pain would come back stronger than before and Mor wasn't here. The moment the covers were set, she turned her body and I saw her face tighten in pain. A hand grasping the sheets and the other grasping her stomach.

I couldn't leave her alone like this. My shadows didn't want us to. A whisper was telling me to sit with her, lay by her side, and wait until Mor got back. But a part of me didn't want to, knowing it might open something up. And I couldn't be distracted. Not now, I had to find a way to free Rhys. Beginning a relationship with Amira would mean distraction.

One day. One day of being close to her wouldn't hurt. It might actually be enough to make my shadows happy. Maybe give me some comfort.

I lean down and tuck a strand of stray hair behind her ear. "Sit up for a second," I say quietly, helping her. She straightens her body and I sit on her bed, my feet dangling along the side of it. "Come here." Amira looks at me with a slightly confused expression but gives me a soft smile, laying back down with her head now on my lap but facing the side to the wall.

My left hand takes hers in mine and I run my right through her hair. She brings our hands to her chest, bending my elbow. "Squeeze whenever you feel pain," I say, running my fingers through her hair. She let out a breath and I felt a squeeze. A strong one. I look at the side of her face in my lap, seeing her eyes closed and a crease in her forehead as she kept squeezing my hand. This was only a fraction of what she felt? Any more squeezing and my fingers would surely be in pain the next morning.

The squeezing stopped and I saw her open her eyes, staring at our intertwined hands. I knew she could feel my scars but not once had she asked about them in our 10 years of knowing each other. _You'll tell me when you're ready_ , she once said.

She fell asleep not long after, my hand still in hers. I continued to run my fingers along her hair even long after. I heard the door click open and shot my head up to see Cassian and Mor slowly walking in.

"You can go if you want Az," Mor says quietly, trying not to wake the sleeping fae in my lap. "I can stay with her." I look at Amira and shake my head. "No," I answer quietly. "I'm okay. You can have the night for yourself."

She doesn't argue, nodding her appreciation and saying goodnight, leaving Cassian in the room. He crosses his arms and leans against the doorway.

"Everything went okay?" he asks, smiling and raising a brow. I click my tongue and roll my eyes. "Yes," I say. _Everything went more than okay_. He lets out a breath.

"You deserve to be happy Az," he breathed. "You both do. And I see the way you two look at each other behind each other's backs. I know you want to get Rhys back and she wants to get her family back but maybe you two should take it easy. Obsessing over it is going to destroy both of you."

I sigh and shake my head, running my fingers through her hair. I listen to her breathing. A couple of deep ones followed by short ones and repeating. "Maybe," I say simply.

When Cassian left, I shuffled a little trying not to wake her until I was closer to the bed frame. I knew it wasn't the best way to sleep and I may wake up sore but I couldn't wake her. Laying my head on the frame, I feel her shift but when I look down she is still fast asleep. I wrapped one of my wings around her and closed my eyes.

Maybe I should stop obsessing over Amarantha and start seeing the girl right in front of me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being patient with me. Last week I couldn't update to due to school. They were assigning things out of nowhere and this week I have two exams and a speech due which is gross but my birthday is on Wednesday so that's exciting.
> 
> AND the next time I update, I have a special chapter. It's already written and let's just say I cried and it was cute. And it's a long one with a rollercoaster of emotions.
> 
> Anyways thank you for being patient.
> 
> Much Love <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter
> 
> How It All Works Out- Faouzia (stripped)
> 
> 🎵I can't see the end, so I pretend it's sweet  
> Until it crashes down  
> I know it's gonna crash down  
> Yeah, but not right now🎵

[ **Song of the Chapter** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzri5P4obaw)

***5 years later* *Sexual Content Ahead...also rollercoaster chapter...***

"Come on Az," I laugh. "Is that the best you can do?" He gets off the ground and shakes his head. "You're getting good," he says, spitting out blood. I shrug. "I learned from a good warrior."

He laughs and shakes his head. Grabbing his sword from the ground, he grunts as he collides his sword with mine. I use my dominant hand and strength to push his sword back, twisting my arm to disarm him. The second I get his sword pointing to the ground, my foot hits his gut, throwing him back a little way. I use the back of my sword to hit his wrist, releasing the sword. Dropping mine, I side kicked the Illyrian's side causing him to fall to the ground.

It's been like this for the last couple of months, Azriel and I sparring at the crack of dawn when the sky changes its color to welcome the sun. I've gotten stronger than I've ever been. Training with the two best Illyrian warriors will do that to you.

I've been training more with Azriel than Cassian. Cassian and I train mostly morning or midday and never harshly. He taught me more defensive stances and positions. Making sure I could sense when someone was coming up on my side or from behind. He made sure my punches were perfect and my kicks were strong. He made sure I knew exactly where to hit, either for the most damage or to distract them.

Azriel and I on the other hand did all sorts of training. Combat, sword fighting, and sometimes he would use his wings to help me get used to fighting with a creature that had an advantage I didn't have.

It was difficult training with Azriel, I was sometimes distracted. By the shadow singer. When he would discard his shirt, my eyes went to his markings on his chest and shoulders. His toned muscles. How the sun would glisten along his skin.

For the past 5 years, we both had known we were interested in each other but nothing official ever happened. We had slept in the same bed multiple times. But I just slept. Not once have we done anything intimate with each other. The most we've done was share kisses, especially on Solstice. When Cassian made sure a mistletoe was around whenever Azriel and I were in the same place.

We knew our feelings for each other, maybe long before the night, he shared with me while I was on my cycle 5 years ago. Not once had I let a man stay with me while my body was going through a sacred tradition. But I trusted Azriel. With everything inside me. I knew his heart. I saw how much he cared for his family, his city, and maybe even me. It was the only reason I had asked him to help me bathe instead of waiting for Mor.

And that night...that night confirmed everything I felt. He made sure I was okay, took things at my pace. Some nights I wish to the Cauldron my mate would be like Azriel. Some nights, I wished my mate was Azriel. But it's been 15 years. Why would the mating bond wait this long to click?

Regardless, though we both felt the same for each other, we couldn't be together. Not until we got our families back. We knew if we called it...truly called it...our feelings would get in the way. It's why we've kept a small distance. But I could tell as the days went by, the tension between us grew.

Though I wanted to focus on getting my family and court back, I couldn't. My mind was on Azriel almost all the time. He clouded my thoughts. Every time I thought of him, it sparked happiness inside me.

But I knew that I couldn't be with him. Regardless of whether it would distract us or not, I wasn't who I said I was. I wasn't Amira. I was Maliha. Lady of the Dawn Court. Cousin of the High Lord. Bearer of the heir to the court. When the shield lifts, I would have to leave and if my cousin was alive, he may never let me leave again. He might have me try to conceive a child as soon as I could in case anything like this ever happens again. Not only would I break Azriel's heart or Mor or Cassian, but I would also destroy my own.

But for now...just for a little... I wanted to feel happiness.

I reach my hand out for Azriel to take and he grasps my hand in his. But instead of coming up, he pulls me down. I collide with his chest and in seconds, he traps me under his body. He grabs both my arms and pins them above my head. "Cheater," I laugh. He chuckles, "Never help an enemy up."

I roll my eyes and tug on my arms but he doesn't release. "Come to Starfall with me," he says instead. I laugh and shake my head but when I meet his eyes, I could see he was being serious. I stop laughing and sigh. "Azriel."

I still have yet to go to Starfall despite being here for 15 years. I felt like an intruder as it wasn't my celebration, it was the Night Court.

"Amira," he mocks back. "Velaris is now your home too. And Starfall is a Velaris celebration. Therefore, your celebration." I smile and take one of my hands out of his grasp and he lets me. I bring it up to the nape of his neck and play with the stray hairs at the end of his neck. He raises an eyebrow, waiting for a response but instead, I bring his head down to meet my lips.

Our lips molded with each other, moving in sync. He lets go of my other arm and brings his hand to cup my face, rubbing his thumb along my cheekbone. "Amira," he breathes. I hum in response. "I still haven't gotten an answer." I groan and throw my head back on the ground.

"Can I think about it?" I ask. He nods and smiles, bringing his lips back against mine. "But," he says and kisses me once more before continuing. "It's tonight so you only have a couple hours."

I let out a breath as he hoists himself off my body and holds out his hand for me to take. I shake my head and grab his hand. Walking back inside the house, I look at our intertwined hands. How would I tell him I didn't want to go after seeing the smile on his face when he had hope.

***

I hear my door slam against the wall as it gets opened abruptly. Gasping at the suddenness, I mess up on my typewriter. With a hand on my chest, I hear a squeal. "Mor!" I yell. She runs to me and looks me in the eye.

"You're coming?" she asks aloud. Azriel. I shake my head, "Mor, I told him I would think about it." She stands up straight and crosses her arms. "And you thought about it and the answer is yes."

"The answer is no," I answered. "Amira," she tries.

"No Mor," I stand and walk towards my washroom door to grab my robe. Grabbing my robe, I place it on my body and tie it at my waist. I leave my room to grab a glass of water and Mor follows me.

"She's not going," she announced to the house. I roll my eyes walking past the dining room where the boys were sitting at the table discussing something. "What?" Cassian shouted, throwing his arms in the air. Now I had all of them follow me into the kitchen.

I grabbed a glass of water and crossed my arms as I leaned towards the counter facing them. As I bring the glass to my lips, Cassian says, "Amira. You have to come with us. It's been 15 years." I shrug, "Technically it is the 15th year so let's make it official."

I didn't make eye contact with Azriel but I did see his body in the corner of my eyes. His arms were crossed and he was leaning against the wall, his eyebrows furrowed as he was trying to decipher why I wouldn't go.

"Leave us," he stated calmly, keeping his eyes on me. Cassian and Mor look at each other but leave Azriel and me alone. I turn around and place the glass on the counter. Placing my hands on the counter, I let out a sigh. "Azriel, I don't want to go. And there's nothing you can say to change my mind."

"Mira," he whispers, using the nickname he had given me 5 years ago when we went on our first date weeks after my cycle. He made a joke about how it wasn't fair. I had a nickname for him but he didn't have one for me. Hence, Mira came to be.

I hear his footsteps coming towards me and he leans against the counter near my side. One hand on the counter and the other coming up to touch my waist. His wings tucked in and his shadows still. "No. Don't Mira me," I say. "I don't want to go."

His hand on my waist turns me to face him. But I stare straight, my eyes seeing his shoulders. "Why don't you want to go?" he asks, lifting my chin with his hand that was once on the counter.

_Because if I go, it means I'm beginning to become accustomed to Velaris's traditions and I feel like it would be cheating on my home, the Dawn Court. Though I've celebrated my birthday and Solstice, Starfall is specific to Velaris. It means Velaris will become even more important to me than it already is and one day I'll have to leave. And if I become more in love with the city, it'll break me to leave. It means I will get to see another part of you that I'll love and I'll have this to share with all of you and one more lie to add to the list. I've already done too much and Velaris has already become a part of me but I can't let the part grow anymore. Because it'll destroy and haunt me when I leave._

I grab his wrist and push his hand away. Looking him in the eyes, I say, "Because it's not my tradition." I turn and walk away, back to my room quickly. "Amira," he calls out, walking with me. I shake my head and walk into my room.

"Why won't you accept the fact that Velaris is your home now?" Azriel slightly shouts, shutting my door. "Because I can't!" I frustratedly shouted, throwing my hands up in the air. I turn to face him. "Azriel, Velaris is not my home! The Dawn Court is. I'm just stuck here until I can get back."

His wings flared and his shadows moved quickly. "It's been 15 years, baby. I made a promise to you that I would help you get back home but for now...for now, you are here. In Velaris. And it is your home. Even when you go back to the Dawn Court, Velaris will always be your-"

"Don't." I interrupt. "Don't finish that sentence. Please Azriel, don't finish that sentence." Tears threaten to leave my eyes. He walks towards me and places both hands on my waist. I place my hands on his chest. "Please don't force me to go," I whisper. He lets out a sigh and reaches down to press his lips against my head. Without another word, he lets go and walks away, slamming the door as he walks out.

And like the past 5 years with Azriel, one step forward and two steps back.

I turn around and without thinking, I grab my typewriter and throw it across the room. I hear a rattling sound and shoot my head up. Turning to look at the typewriter, I see some sort of keyhole. I walk towards it and kneel next to the bed, inspecting the bottom. I gasp at the name etched right next to the keyhole.

**_Maliha_ **

I stand and stare at the name. What were the odds my name was carved on the bottom? And the time Cornelius talked of a mother named Amira with a daughter named Maliha. And the dream of my mother in a blue dress which now I saw was similar to the ones worn in the Night Court.

Grabbing the typewriter, I walked towards Cassian's room. I knocked on the door several times before he opened it. He wore a dark blue button-down tucked into black trousers. "Amira," he greeted. "I know I don't deserve anything right now," I said. "But before you go, can you please take me to Elijah's?"

He nodded. "Yes, are you ready now?" I looked down at my robe. It fell down to my knees and everything was covered. And I needed answers. I nod.

"Yes please."

***

"Thank you," I say to Cassian, clutching the typewriter to my chest. "Do you need me to-"

"No, you can go. I'll be okay." He nods and flies away.

"Amira," Elijah calls out. I turn to see him dressed as well. In a navy blue suit with a silver button-up under the suit jacket. I smile but he talks again before I could greet him. "Why aren't you dressed?"

"Elijah, I had to come here quickly. I know you have to get to Starfall but I need answers." He noticed my fidgeting and shaking body. Nodding, he opened the door. "Come in. It's freezing if you're only in a nightgown."

I walk inside and set the typewriter on the counter. "Why did you bring the typewriter? Did it stop working?" he asks. I shake my head. "On the bottom, I saw the name Maliha and a keyhole. What does it mean?"

He smiles and laughs, "After 15 years, you just now notice the name and keyhole?" I roll my eyes. "Well, I don't really look at the bottom of typewriters." He raises an eyebrow, "So how did you see it today?" I laugh uncomfortably, "Not important."

He laughs it off and sets his arms on the counter. "Well, centuries ago. And I mean five centuries, a woman came into the store with her daughter. I don't remember what this woman looked like. Nor do I remember her name. All I remember is she was friends with my mother and her daughter was younger than me by a couple of years, well maybe more than a couple. They were leaving Velaris and the mother made it seem like it was for good.

But she gave my mother this typewriter along with a key. My mother told me that she had hoped one day when it was safe enough or if the Cauldron willed it, her daughter would come back to Velaris. And if she did and happened to stumble upon this shop, to give her this typewriter and the key. But when you walked in, it was five centuries later and I saw you deserved it. Your passion glowed through. I figured if her daughter were to come to Velaris, she would have already. And so, I gave it to you."

My head was spinning. I was confused. More than confused. "And her daughter's name was Maliha?" He nodded, "It's what's written on the typewriter. It's how I would know who to give it to." I grasped the counter as I felt a pain shoot through my mind. I closed my eyes, waiting for the headache to pass. This didn't make any sense. I saw Elijah leave in the corner of my eye and to the back room but reappeared with a key.

He handed it to me. "Here," he said, placing it into my palm. "It's yours now. I don't think her daughter is ever coming and it's up to you what you want to do. But aren't you coming to Starfall?"

I sighed and shook my head. "No," I said simply. He looked me in the eyes, trying to decipher why I didn't want to go. But nods and walks to the door.

"Actually," he says and turns around. "I know you feel like going to a Night Court tradition feels like betraying your court but it's not Amira. I don't think your family would like to hear about how you spent your years mourning over them and locking yourself in the cage. Besides this is your home as well. You need to start believing it."

"Elijah," I look up at him. "I can't. If I go, it makes me a part of the Night Court officially." He laughs, "And why would that be such a bad thing?"

I point towards the window, "Because then this place. This city. You and everyone I've met will earn a bigger place in my heart. And when I leave, it will destroy me. I've already grown attached and I can't let myself become officially part of Velaris. This tradition is solely for the Night Court. I can't let myself become a part of it."

"You can always come back, Amira. Velaris will always be your home from here on out. Velaris-"

"I'll never be able to return..." I whisper, saying the words aloud cause pain in my heart. It made the words true. I wiped the tears that fell down my cheek.

Thesan would never allow me to come back and I couldn't tell him I was coming here. I would keep this city a secret. And the only thing known to the rest of Prythian is the Court of Nightmares. Why would he let me come to a vile place? He may even marry me off to produce an heir. When I left, I would leave...forever. But I didn't want to.

Velaris has grown on me and I let it, failing to keep my guard up. It slithered into my heart like a snake through a meadow. And has poured it's venom in my heart and mind.

Though I still don't feel like I found what I was looking for, Velaris has taken its place. There was still a void in me, an emptiness I couldn't explain but for now... For now, I was okay.

Elijah walks towards me, wiping the tears from my cheek. But stepped away and went to the back. He walked back in a dress. The top-covered in silver that glistens and shines in the night like stars in the night sky- being strapless with an A-line neckline. The silver flows down to a navy blue tulle skirt, aspects of the silver laying throughout the skirt.

"This dress," he breathes. "Was a gift from my mother centuries ago to the same woman who's typewriter you possess. She returned it with the typewriter in hopes that one day, her daughter would wear it. Every year I make sure it's in perfect shape. My mother told me that the woman said when she wore this dress and went to her first Starfall, she felt free. She wasn't from Velaris. She lived with a controlling family and had escaped.

She also didn't want to attend Starfall saying it was 'not her place' but my mother says, home is wherever your heart feels calm and loved. Not where you belong or a physical building. And homes change. Sometimes you have multiple. You don't need to erase your home in the Dawn Court to have one here in Velaris. And you don't need to harm yourself by not allowing yourself to feel like you are home. Even if you never physically come back to Velaris. Velaris will always be a part of you. So, I'll leave this here. If you wish to come, dress and follow me. If you choose to stay, you may. I'll leave the door unlocked. But here."

He places the dress on the counter and grabs a box from a shelf. Opening it, I see two dangling silver earrings along with a silver headpiece. "If you choose to wear it, these will look great with it."

He leaves shortly after, placing the box on the dress. Leaving me in the dark shop, with only a light from a lamp to keep my company. The dress laying on the counter next to me. The key in my hand and the typewriter in front of me.

Something inside me was begging me to open the compartment. That this was meant for me. But my mother has never spoken of Velaris. But my father was from the Night Court. Is this where they met? Had my mother raised me here in the first few years of my life? Did she not trust me enough to tell me of my past? Of where my father was from?

With a deep exhale I bring the key to the keyhole. I hoped it was my mother's. If it somehow was, maybe some of the secrets she kept would be brought to life. And then maybe just maybe, I would allow myself to let Velaris into my heart without feeling guilty.

Unlocking the compartment, I took the rectangularly-shaped cover off and in place of it was a letter. I take the letter out and begin to unfold it. The ink untouched and the handwriting mimicked my mother's. I immediately began tearing up at the first few words, my hand flying to my mouth. This was my mother.

_To my moonlight,_

Moonlight was a nickname given when I was young. She called me it for as long as I could remember. The moon, stars, night sky, and everything in between belonged to my mother and me. While everyone in the Dawn Court slept once the night sky arose, my mother and I stayed up. Staring at the stars.

I was always fascinated by everything Night. I thought it was because of the Night Court blood that runs through my veins. But I was always curious about my mother's obsession with it. Did she also have it run through her veins? I never knew where my grandmother came from. Every time I asked about her history, my mother would avoid the topic and switch it to something else.

With a deep inhale, I continued reading.

_Please don't be upset. If you're reading this, it means you have found Velaris somehow. You have found the city of Starlight. You don't know how badly I wanted to stay here but we couldn't, Maliha. We had something to take care of. Something that I can not say in writing because no one could know or it would put you in danger. I hope I told you before something terrible happened to me. I hope I'm there with you. But in case I'm not, I hope this letter gives you a piece of me to hold on to._

_Maliha, listen to me. Velaris is where I met your father. Lucy knew of this place long before I did. She brought me here when we decided to go on our little 'adventure'. Little did I know, this trip would soon change my life. I met your father at Starfall, my first Starfall. I didn't want to go but Lucy and some friends I had met told me to truly experience Velaris in all its glory, I had to go. And they were right. It's nothing like we've ever seen in the Dawn Court. Not even close. I hope you experienced it but if you are anything like me, you wouldn't go unless someone dragged you._

_Maliha, you are a part of Velaris. Your home is not only the Dawn Court, it is the Night Court as well. Both bloods run in your veins. When the sun rises, you rise with it. And when the moon shines, so do you. And you must allow yourself to love Velaris as you do the Dawn Court._

_I thought if I loved Velaris and saw its beauty, I would be betraying my home. But I wasn't. I was finding a second home. I got you. You are my connection to my second home and I thank the Mother every day for it._

_Your father showed me Velaris that night and it was the most life changing experience. When I tell you how I found the lost piece of me, I know it was here I found it. At first, I didn't truly realize it. I just thought it gave me another piece of happiness. But it actually gave me so much more. You know how hard it is for fae to conceive and what were the odds were that I was pregnant with you almost instantly._

_Baby, my moonlight, my heart. You saved me. I brought you back when you were young. And we stayed for a few years but I needed to take care of something. Something that I needed to take care of for you to be safe. I hoped we could come back when we had finished making sure you were safe from danger. I hope we did. But if I'm not here with you. I need you to promise me a few things._

_I need you to promise me you will explore every part of Velaris. See it's beauty. Attend Starfall. Make it a part of you. You are part Night Court, my love. Learn that side of you. I know you. I know you have enough love inside you to make both the Night Court and the Dawn Court your home._

_And if you are anything like me, allow yourself to love. To fall in love. It's the most complicated ideals in life. It breaks you and builds you. It hurts you but it repairs you. It suffocates you but also helps you breathe. Allow yourself to feel it. Don't wait for a mate. Sometimes, your mate isn't the person you love. Sometimes the one you love is actually the one that is right for you._

_I have never told you but I know my mate. I met him 5 years after you were born. He belonged to the Day Court but he was terrible. I rejected him and the pain I felt was a pain I would never wish upon you. But I couldn't make it official. That was when I made a relationship with the High Lord and his wife. My mate was one of their soldiers._

_I met him when my father and mother were invited over for a treaty meeting and you were young. They knew of my "mistake" as my father put it so I was allowed to bring you. But my mate was horrible. He wanted me to give you away, leave you on the doorsteps of a random fae. He said he would not take care of another man's child. But you are my child. And I would put you above anyone else._

_When I told him no, he beat me until I barely could stand. When the High Lord's wife found out, she dismissed him, toleration of hurting women, especially of our status, was forbidden. I knew I couldn't be with him for both our safety. But though I rejected him, I still had you. And you were the best thing that happened to me. You filled the hole in my heart._

_Anyways, I must go. Time is running out. Maliha, my sweet girl, please be the woman I know you are._

_But before I do, I want to leave you with a bit of advice. Maliha, time is unpredictable. It's always changing. You never can guarantee anything which is why I need you to live. Let go. Be fluid in your waves like the water is with the sea. Allow for change. Don't wait for things to happen. Make them happen. And never wait for something or someone to determine your future, make it. Create it. Live through your own path, do not follow one someone created for you._

_Don't repeat my mistakes and lock yourself inside your own mind. Remember my love, I will always be with you. Every step of the way. Just look up and let the moon, stars, and light guide your way. My love for you shines like the brightest stars in the night sky_

_I love you Always and Forever,_

_Mama_

The letter left me speechless. My mother has been here before. I've been here before. My father was from here. I set the letting on the counter and crossed my arms, letting my head fall on them, and sobbed.

I missed my mom. I missed the way her hair flowed in the wind. The way the sun hit her skin while we were watching the sunrise. The whispers she would pour in my ear, telling me the stories she had heard as I was on my cycle to ease my pain. The song she would sing when I had trouble sleeping or to calm myself from a nightmare. Her laugh and how it would echo in the halls of the palace. Her kindness and strength. Our days of sparring. I missed it all.

Raising my head, I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at the dress. Her dress. I don't know if the Mother and Cauldron willed for this to happen but I was thankful regardless. I had a piece of my mom in Velaris. And now with this letter, I could always carry her with me.

Releasing a breath, I stood from my stool and moved the box from the dress. Grabbing the dress, I held it up to the light. I wish I had seen my mother in Night Court dresses or remembered her anyway. I only remember her in the colors of the Dawn Court.

I set the dress down and began undoing my robe. I would go to Starfall. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe my mother was right. Though I don't know my father, his blood ran through my veins. The blood that belonged to Velaris. Therefore, I belonged to Velaris.

I managed to get the dress on me without having help from anyone even though it was difficult and placed the earrings on my ears. Looking around for a mirror, I found one in the corner of the shop and walked to it, headpiece in hand.

My hair had grown, it was now to my shoulders, it's natural waves flowing like the water of the Sidra River. My dark roots flowed to a silver that matched the upper half of my dress. After setting the headpiece down on the counter next to it, I looked around the shop for any clip and I found one in the little brown jewelry box hidden under a tapestry. I laughed silently, picking up the crescent clip and walking back to the mirror.

I took half my upper hair and clipped it back with the crescent. Then grabbed the silver headpiece made of little stars and placed it over my hair. Taking a step back, I admire myself in the mirror, running my hands down the skirt of the dress.

Choking on a sob, I looked up to the ceiling. I could see my mother. People have always told us we looked like sisters. And seeing myself in her dress, I could imagine how she looked. I shook out my hands and twisted my fingers slightly from my nerves. I walked towards the door and grabbed the handle, waiting a second before pulling it open, the chilly wind hitting me like a harsh wave.

I walked out and looked around. "Finally," I heard a voice call out from my side. I turned to see Elijah smiling and leaning against the next shop. "Elijah," I managed to say. "Were you waiting for me?"

He shrugged, "Maybe." I laughed, "And what if I never came?" He shrugged again, "I had faith you would, after reading that letter...Maliha."

I gasped at my name, taking a step back and trying my best to keep a blank face. "Don't try to deny it. I remember the necklace, it belonged to the woman who gave my mother the typewriter and the dress. I wasn't too young to forget. Besides, this has been one of my favorite things to wait for. I've been waiting for centuries."

I smile. "So you knew all along? Why didn't you say anything?" He lets out a breath. "To be honest with you, I was unsure in the beginning. But something you said 10 years ago made everything click. Remember that dinner when you said, 'My mother once told me that a woman once told her sometimes the greatest monsters are inside us and it's up to us to let them determine whether we drown or survive.'"

I nodded and he continued. "That was my mother's saying. She said to your mother when she first arrived. I'm sorry I was lying before about not remembering what your mother looks like but I do. Vividly. I was about a century when you first came and you look almost exactly like her. But I promise I won't tell anyone your true name or anything about your mother. You have your reasons and I trust they are enough."

I didn't know what to say except for "Thank you." He nods and walks towards me, removing his hands behind his back revealing heels. "May I?" he gestures to my feet. I nod as he kneels and helps me place them on. Afterward, he stands and sticks out his arm, "Shall we?"

I take a deep breath, looking up to see people make their way. Nodding, I grab his arm.

***

When we arrived, faes of all sorts were laughing and chatting on the balcony of the House of Wind. People greeted Elijah as I looked around for my friends. Someone offered me champagne and I gladly took it. Finally, I saw him. In the corner, his back towards me as he faced Cassian, dressed in a navy blue suit similar to the color of my dress.

"Excuse me," I tell Elijah, leaving him to talk to a few faes and make my way towards Azriel.

Cassian made eye contact with me first and smiled, clapping Azriel on the shoulders and walking away. Azriel slowly turned, looking for me, and finally saw me trying to dodge a couple who had gotten in my path. I wrung my hands together, nervous to see his reaction after I told him I wasn't coming. I heard how disappointed he was with the slam of the door and now his face held a cold stare. His wings lying lazily at his side and his shadows flowing lightly.

"You came?" he says questionably. "What made you change your mind?" I shrugged, "Some advice my mother gave me." He didn't question my answer and I was glad for it.

Instead, he reached out and grabbed my hands, stopping my nervous jitters. He pulled me away from the crowd into the house and made his way to my room. I wonder if he could hear the thumping in my chest and feel the quickened pulse under his fingers. This was way out of my comfort zone.

15 years of isolation and here I was. At one of the most loved parties in Velaris, wearing my mother's dress after reading my mother's letter whose words were on my mind like a broken record.

He opened the door and pulled me inside, shutting it behind me. I go to question his actions but fail to as he quickly places both hands on either side of my face and places his lips on mine. My hands latch to his forearms as our lips move in sync. I could smell his cologne mixed in with his natural scent and I practically melted in his arms.

One of his hands left my face and grabbed my waist, pulling me closer to him. Our lips moved together in unison but there was no lust. It was more of a need for one another. Giggling, I pull away and he places his forehead on mine. His head still slightly tilted downwards. My heels were large but I still was a couple of inches shorter, reaching just at his lips if he were to look straight ahead.

"Whatever advice your mother gave," he pants. "I thank the Cauldron for it." I smile looking up as he straightens his back and wings. He grabs my hands with each of his and looks down at my dress. "Does Elijah also just happen to have dresses in his shop as well?"

I laugh, throwing my head back, "Maybe just a few. Do you like it?" Still eyeing the dress, he says, "Like it? I'm contemplating having you miss out on one more Starfall and showing you how much I love it right here within these four walls. Does that answer your question?"

Shaking my head, I turn my body to face the door with my back still behind it and begin walking backward. "Come on, maybe you could show me how much you love it after Starfall. I'm sure Mor and Cassian would kill you for making me miss it when I finally agreed to come."

I turn around to open the door but am quickly turned back around and pressed to the door, Azriel's lips crashing onto mine for a slow kiss. But he quickly releases me, "I just wanted one more for now."

I shake my head and open the door, leading him back to one of many patios of the house. When we reach the dining room, he lets go of my hand and walks by my side, wrapping an arm at my waist. I feel one of his wings curl onto my shoulders and I smile at the feeling.

"There they are!" Cassian exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air which holds two glasses of champagne. The abrupt movement spills a little onto the ground. "What did you say?" Mor asks Elijah, her face filled with shock and confusion.

"Absolutely nothing," he answers smiling and shoots a small wink my way. I roll my eyes at him and grab the glass Cassian was holding out for me to take.

We stood around a circular table. Amren nowhere in sight. It seemed she also wasn't fond of this tradition. She never came with them and some years we would actually stay in my room, either playing with puzzles or in complete silence with us doing two different things.

"Well, thank you." Azriel inclines his head towards Elijah. "And thank you for the dress as well. Do you by any chance sell livestock as well in that shop of yours?" The table laughs at Azriel's attempt at a joke and I shake my head.

"I think I could find you something," Elijah laughs and shrugs. I push Azriel's shoulder lightly and he smiles bringing me closer to him and placing a kiss atop my head. Mor's eyes go wide at the exchange and she mouths dancefloor now.

Grabbing my drink from my hand, she sets it down and grabs my hand, pulling me away from Azriel without saying anything. I look back over my shoulder to see him shake his head and continue a conversation with Cassian but not before setting an elbow on the table and looking me up and down. I blush a little and turn back to Mor.

Mor drags us to the middle of the dance floor and we let our bodies move with the music. "Now," she laughs, trying to speak above the music. "When did this finally happen? I mean I called it since the beginning and I know for the past 5 years there's been so much tension and you two have been trying to hide it but you both are terrible."

  
I roll my eyes at Mor and shrug. "I don't know when exactly. We've always been interested but ever since his birthday two years ago...we've been closer." She looks at Azriel and back at me before smacking my arm. "Did you guys...on his birthday? That's why he was sneaking out of your room too early in the morning like you both were teenagers."

My eyes go wide as I stop dancing. "No," I laugh. "You saw him? He said no one saw him." Mor shakes her head, "Well, Cassian owes me a new set of jewelry..."

"Mor!" I exclaim. "What?" she throws her hands in the air. "We made a bet okay... regardless it was two years ago but a bet is a bet. Oh, Amren also won the other bet. He owes her new supplies for drawing."

I laugh and throw my head back. "What was the other bet?" Mor shrugs and backs away slowly. I cock my head to the side confused as to why she was walking away.

"Can I have this dance?" I heard him say behind me. I didn't notice the song choice had changed from upbeat to a slower medley. I turn around and smile, placing my hand in his. He guides it to his shoulder and places a hand on my waist. My other hand is grabbed by his free one.

Pulling me close, he takes both our intertwined hands to his chest, swaying us to the sound of the music. "So," he whispers in my ear. "What were you and Mor talking about?"

I snicker and shake my head. "Apparently, she won a bet with Cassian about us. So did Amren. But I don't know what Amren's bet was. Mor's bet with Cassian started when she saw you coming out of my room two years ago the night after your birthday."

"I thought no one saw me," he chuckles. "I thought your specialty was moving amongst the shadows, looks like Rhysand might need a new spymaster," I joke.

"Well," he whispered. "Did you tell her nothing happened that night? That all we did was talk and slept by each other's side?" I look up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Now where's all the fun in that?"

We stayed dancing and swaying to the music for a few minutes. Turning my head, I see Cassian and Mor dancing with each other and laughing about something. Cassian shot me a wink my way and I rolled my eyes at his childish. Elijah was also dancing with a female, one I've seen him talk to before a couple of times but have yet to learn her name. Her back was faced towards me and her blonde hair was pinned up but curled slightly.

I lift my head from Azriel's shoulder and look up into his hazel eyes. "Now that I'm here, when exactly is Starfall going to truly begin?" He smiles and leans down to press his lips against mine. His hand drops mine and wraps it around my waist to join his other one. My hands clasped behind his neck pulling him closer.

Within seconds, I hear cheering in the background. "Look up," he murmurs against my lips. I pull away with a confused expression and turn to look up to the sky and gasped.

A silver star flashed out of the night sky. Another star shot out. And Another. Until multiple flashed out at once. They curved around into the horizon. Suddenly, it was as if millions of stars came out from nowhere into the sky. Tears formed in my eyes watching the stars twisting over each other, shades of silver, white and blue, that turned the night sky into something magical.

I felt Azriel pull me closer and press a kiss to the side of my head as I watched the stars, some tears escaping my eyes over it's beauty. It was like a dream come true.

All my life I've been fascinated by stars and the night sky. My mother too. It became our thing. And this... I would've never imagined something like this would happen in a million years. This is what the rest of the world misses out on? Did my mother miss this night when she went back to the Dawn Court?

I remember a story my mother told me of a princess who kissed a prince under the shine of a million stars. How when the stars flowed past them, the princess felt like she was home. That the stars were guiding her and telling her she was in the right place.

Now I don't think that story was all a fairy tale anymore. I think it was the story of my mother meeting my father. Was he the one my mother spoke of loving? If that was the case, why didn't she stay with him?

I didn't feel my position being altered until Azriel placed his head atop of mine and his hands came together along my navel. I fell back onto his chest and watched the stars.

People all around us were cheering and dancing but right there in the middle of the dance floor, it felt there was no one at all. No one but me, Azriel, the stars in the sky, and my mother's memory in my mind.

I don't know why but I felt at peace. Like my mother was out there. Somewhere among the stars.

"Come on," Azriel pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up at him and he lets go of my waist, grabbing my hand in his. I let him pull me away from the dance floor. He guided me to the house and towards one of the many balconies of the house.

I could still hear the music below us and the sound of cheering but it was slightly quieter up here. When we got to the center, Azriel let go of my hand and wrapped it around my waist, placing another kiss on my head.

I wrap my hand around his torso and place a hand on his chest along with my head. Looking up at the stars, I smile.

"They're not stars," he whispers. Still staring up at the glistening streaks I ask, "Then what are they?"

I feel his lips curl against my head, "They're spirits." I gasp and look up at him. He laughs and continues speaking. "Every year on this night, the spirits go through a yearly migration. Everyone in the Night Court celebrates it with joy and laughter. Even the Court of Nightmare. They keep migrating throughout the night and sometimes it lasts till dawn."

"Where do they go?" I ask looking back at the spirits. He shrugs, "No one knows."

Tears form in my eye and I let a few fall.

_Don't repeat my mistakes and lock yourself inside your own mind. Remember my love, I will always be with you. Every step of the way. Just look up and let the moon, stars, and light guide your way. My love for you shines like the brightest stars in the night sky._

Is this why mother always chose stars in her sayings? Why she obsessed with the Night Sky and stars? Did she fall in love with Starfall the same way I did? This is the night she met my father, the night she met her love, and the night she made me.

_My love for you shines like the brightest stars in the night sky._

Did she believe she would become a spirit once she passed? Was she up there migrating with the rest?

_Always look up to the stars and wish Maliha, she would say to me when I was younger. Always let their light and the moon's light guide your way._

"My love for you shines like the brightest stars in the night sky," I whisper more to myself than to anyone.

"What?" Azriel says looking down at me with his eyebrows furrowed. I shook my head as I turned to face him. "Nothing," I whispered as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "We can come back at Dawn if you like."

Allow yourself to feel it. Don't wait for a mate. Sometimes, your mate isn't the person you love. Sometimes the one you love is actually the one that is right for you.

Without another word, I bring my lips up to meet his. He smiles into the kiss and Kisses me back harder. His hands-on my waist clench and bring my body closer, making me have to arch my back. This kiss was definitely different from the others. It was full of need and lust, I don't know whether it was from me, him or the both of us.

But I knew I didn't want to listen to our arrangement. Not right now. We promised no intimate actions because we knew once we started, it might distract us from the situation with Amarantha. But I didn't care, not anymore. Not at this moment.

"Azriel," I whispered against his lips. He hummed in response. "I need you." He pulled away and I instantly regretted saying anything. "We said..."

"I know what we said," I sigh. "Do you not want to?"

He shakes his head and laughs. "No, I want to." He kisses me once more. "You don't know how long I've been wanting to. It's taken everything in me not to break my own arrangement." I laugh against his lips. Azriel was the one who brought up this "arrangement" in the first place and at the time I thought it was a good idea. But now, I hated it.

"Good," I smile and kiss him before grabbing his hands with mine and walk backward toward my bedroom.

We could hear everyone still cheering, laughing, and the music playing. And I knew it would be a while since they all left. I just prayed no one would enter or come looking for Azriel and I.

The moment we entered, Azriel pinned me against the door and grabbed both my arms, pinning them above my head. He placed his lips on mine and breathed deeply into the kiss. Our lips moved together hungry for more. I tugged on my hand and he released it, allowing me to grab the back of his neck and pull him in closer.

I felt him grab my hips and move backward so we were walking towards the bed. The moment his legs hit the bed, he sat and I towered him. My hands left his neck to his shoulders to push the jacket off his shoulder, Azriel tucked his wings in to allow the jacket to fully come off. His shadows were still around him and faint but they were still there. I felt their coldness on my skin. Some days, I forget they're there because I'm so accustomed to them.

"Amira," he says, breaking our kiss. I pull away and stand, my body slightly towering. He runs his hand over my dress. "As much as I love this dress, it needs to come off." I laugh as he stands from his spot on the bed and turns me so my back is pressed against his chest.

Grabbing my hair, he moved it to the side and pressed his lips against my neck. My head fell back on his shoulder. He kisses lightly along my neck. Moving up to my ear and back down, sucking on a few spots. He reached my soft spot and I tried to conceal my moan but failed miserably. "Found it," he says softly, chuckling.

He stayed there, sucking and biting, making sure a mark would take its place. While his lips were on my neck, his fingers came up to my zipper and began sliding it down. We were going slow and I didn't mind it. I wanted this to last.

When it finally reached the end, the top of my dress came undone and his lips moved to my shoulders as his hands pulled the top of my dress to the floor. I turned around instantly and pushed him back on the bed, climbing onto his lap. "Eager?" he mocked.

I scoffed. "Shut up and just kiss me." His hands found my lower back and he moved his thumb in circles, bringing me closer. Our lips collided as my fingers found his buttons. I undid them slowly. His hands stopped mine as I was on the third button and pulled them off. Taking his own, he rips his shirt off, breaking the buttons. I pull back and raise an eyebrow. "Now who's eager?"

He just smiles and flips us over quickly. My back fell onto the bed and I laughed as his lips found my neck. He kisses my sweet spot once more and sucks harshly on it. I moaned his name and bit my lip. His lips move down my neck to my shoulders then to my collarbone.

One hand grips the sheets and the other grasps the nape of his neck as his lips land on my breast. One of his hands grasps my waist as the other plays with my other breast. "Az," I whisper. I felt him hum and my back arches as I let a gasp escape my lips. His lips continue to travel down my stomach but stops abruptly.

"When did you get this?" he asks. I prop my elbows up looking to where he was at the tattoo on my hip. Black swirls and in the middle a silver crescent moon with silver stars which end at some of the swirls and near the moon.

His thumb brushes against it as he admires it and then looks up to meet my eye, his thumb not stopping its movements. "A year after my mother passed on her birthday," I answered. He shakes his head lightly. "I never knew you had markings."

I shrugged. "It's my only one. And no one knows except for the one who did it. Not even my family. It's not really something I've cared to share. It's one of the reasons I stopped being intimate, I didn't want anyone else to see until I found my mate. It was my way of honoring her and having her close to me. But now, you're the only other person who knows."

His brows crease as he comes up to kiss me. His lips move slowly against mine, his tongue slipping inside and exploring my mouth. His fingers moved down my body until it landed on the waistband of the thin white fabric and pulled them down slowly, forcing me to raise my hips slightly to help him.

He throws it somewhere around the room and I feel his fingers back on me, rubbing me slightly causing me to moan into the kiss. He leans down to my neck and sucks on the spot I know he marked all while pushing a finger inside me.

"By the Cauldron," I gasp and throw my head back on the mattress, giving him more access to my neck which makes suck harsher. It wasn't long before I felt him add a second finger to join the first. I felt his other hand come up to my body and explore my breast which caused my hand to grab his hair and tug. Azriel groans and stops his assault as I closed my eyes, savoring the pleasure.

I knew my high was coming. I felt it when Azriel curled his fingers and pumped faster, making me arch my back and moan his name. My hips rotate and come up to match his movements. My lips part as the pressure builds in my stomach.

"Let go, darling," I heard Azriel say. "I can feel you clenching." I felt him go a little faster and that's all it took for me to come undone, gasping and arching my back. When my body fell back and hit the mattress, I felt all the energy in me drain. But I didn't want to stop. It's been decades since I've been intimate, my body wasn't used to the feeling.

I felt Azriel's lips on my cheek, traveling to my ear. "Do you want to stop?" he whispers. I shake my head and tug on his hair for him to come up to my lips. "Don't you dare," I smile and bring his lips on mine. His fingers left my body and I hissed slightly. My core is sensitive to any touch. "We'll go slow," he murmurs against my lips.

I could hear his belt becoming undone and the sound of his pants coming off his body. Once they were fully off, I grabbed his shoulders and flipped us so I was on top of him, careful of his wings. I didn't know if they would affect him while doing something so intimate but I also know he doesn't let anyone touch them so I don't. Not even when our bodies are being molded together in the most intimate way, his wings are off-limits.

My lips left his and traveled down to his neck, trying to find his sweet spot as he did earlier. I found it in the curve where his neck met his shoulder. He groaned as my lips sucked on the spot, biting it slightly. It wasn't fair I would walk around with a mark and he wouldn't.

While doing so, my hips grinded against him. His hands never went to my hips faster than this moment, stopping my movements. He pulled his waistband down and discarded it as well, causing me to lift my hips off his body while doing so. His hands found my hips again and pushed me down, grinding me against him.

I moaned against his neck.

He flipped us so I was under him and brought a hand up to the back of my neck, grabbing it and harshly put his lips on mine. "Are you sure?" he asked. I nodded and his hand left my neck as he exhaled a breath.

"Okay, I'll go slow. Tell me when it gets too much," he whispers.

He pushes my hair back from my face, placing his forehead on mine as I felt the other hand wrap a leg around his waist, lining himself with my entrance. He pushes in slowly and I wince out a moan mixed with a little pain and pleasure. I forgot what it felt like to be this close with someone.

My last was with Helion, two years before my mother became ill at a Day Court ball. It's been decades.

He stopped and kissed my forehead. "Keep going," I manage to say. He nods and sinks himself even more. He was bigger than I expected. And I let out a small laugh when Mor's voice comes to mind when she joked years ago about how an Illyrian's wingspan represents the length of him.

Azriel cocked an eyebrow up and looked at me with confusion. "I'm sorry," I laughed. "I remembered a joke Mor told me about an Illyrian wingspan." He chuckles and shakes his head, kissing me once.

I felt him move slowly, thrusting in and out as he kissed me. I squeezed my eyes shut at the feeling, the pain slowly going away. "You're so tight," he groans and places a hand on my stomach, looking down at where our bodies were connected. His wings contracted into his body. "Relax for me, baby."

I tried doing what he said, letting go of the muscles I didn't know I was tightening and he let out a breath. "Az, move faster," I moaned.

One of his hands moves to wrap my other leg around his body, then places both hands on my waist, moving faster than before. I moan and arch my back. He silences it quickly by his lips colliding with mine. I close my eyes savoring his lips on mine as he slides in and out of my body. His shadows cool my body as they move through me.

My fingers tangle in his hair pulling and tugging, groans leave his lips. His hand rubs my right thigh up to my hips and back down but then moves up again and stays at the place of my tattoo, his thumb rubbing against it. He leaves my lips and kisses down my neck, to my collarbone, and up the curve where my neck and shoulder connect.

I wasn't going to last much longer, pressure building once more in my lower stomach. My mouth parts in ecstasy and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. I don't know if he could feel I was close but he groaned, "I'm close too." And he came back to my lips kissing them once more before whispering, "Let go when you need to."

Instead of listening, I stayed clenching, not wanting to finish before he was at his point. I knew he was close when his thrusts became sloppier and faster. I opened my eyes to see his eyes shut and his lips parted as well, head tilting slightly up to face the ceiling. The light from the lamp only shed its light on half his face. His dark hair sticking slightly across his forehead. I focused on his features, taking in every aspect from the curve of his lips to the shape of his eyes. Memorizing everything like a mental image in case this was the last time we were to ever be close again.

I focused on his hands and how his scars felt against my skin. I knew he hated them and I remember the first day I held them, he thought I would let go immediately once I felt them but it was the opposite. It reminded me how much he had gone through, even if I don't know the stories, and how through it all, he came out the complete opposite of what anyone else would be. He wasn't vengeful and aggressive like most would be...he was caring though he tried being tough. All he wants to do is protect his family, his home, and bring back his brother.

With my hand on his neck, I tugged him down to meet my lips. And within seconds, he let out a groan, stopping his movements and coming undone. My high meeting his. His hand on my hip gripped tightly while the other moved off my thighs and grabbed the sheets next to me. Our lips stayed together for seconds or even minutes, no movement just presence.

Placing his forehead on mine, he smiled and chuckled. "You don't know how long I've been wanting to do that," he pants. I laugh and move my hand off his neck to push back the hair stuck to his forehead. Kissing my head, he pulls out slowly and falls back on the bed next to me. One hand draped across his torso the other about his head. His wings flowed on my bed, one slightly upwards not to fall on my body.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I ask. He turns his head to look at me, his breathing still calming down. "Laying on your back with wings?"

He shakes his head. "Not really. More uncomfortable sometimes. It's just a part of me. Imagine like when you lay down and you place your head on your arm. Besides, it's more of the bone that connects them to my body more than the actual wings. Besides baby, when I sit on a chair and lean, I'm leaning on my wings. This is just another angle."

He stands up and stretches his wings, holding out a hand. "As much as I love you like this," he says and licks his lips. "We need to get cleaned up." I laugh and grab his hand.

***

"Baby," I hear someone whisper in my ear. I groan in response, shuffling closer to Azriel's chest. My hands folded across my chest and his arms around me. I was cocooned inside his wings, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.

He chuckles and I feel his chest move. "Get up," he says. I opened my eyes slowly, blinking repeatedly at the sudden light when his wing came off my body. Sitting up slowly, I stretch my arms. "Azriel," I yawn. "Did we sleep in?" He shakes his head and climbs off the bed. "It's dawn, Starfall is almost over. Do you want to see the last of it?"

I nod and place my hand in his as he stretched it out. I was wearing a nightgown that was tight against my body and Azriel wore nothing but sweats. My dress and his suit are still on the floor. My headpiece was on the nightstand. I totally forgot about it until Azriel took it off when we bathed last night.

He opened the door slowly and guided me to the balcony we once were standing. Letting go of my hand, I sat slowly on the ground as he walked back inside for a split second. Coming back with a blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders before sinking next to me. My legs were crossed while he pulled him up to meet his chest. His arms resting on his knees as mine held the blanket.

The spirits were still in the skies migrating but less than before. Their blue and white light mixed with the slight color of the dawn sky.

Subconsciously, I touched my necklace and my bracelet. The one from my mother and the replica Azriel gifted me long ago. "Do you think my mother is up there?" I ask. He looks at me from the corner of his eyes as my gaze stays on the sky. He nods. "Yes. I think all lost loved ones could be the spirits. I believe they migrate every year as a way to check up on their families. Making sure they're okay before going back to wherever it is spirits live."

Tears formed in my eyes once again. I looked down at my necklace. Bringing it up to my lips and kissing it. _You were right mama. Velaris is a life-changing experience. I just wish you were here with me._

I looked at Azriel and felt pain. I didn't want to leave Velaris. Nor did I want to leave him. And tonight. Tonight was magical. And I wanted more. So much more. But I couldn't. We couldn't. Why would I stay with him to end up leaving him and being married off to another man once I go home?

"Azriel," I whisper and he shoots his head at me. "Why are you crying?" He asks with a concerned look, his hand flying to my cheek to wipe the tears I didn't know were there. I shake my head and close my eyes. He comes closer and brings my head onto his chest. I couldn't. I couldn't cause him that pain. I couldn't cause me that pain.

"We can't do this," I choke out. He pulled my head back, his eyes looked at me with concern as he rubbed the back of my neck. "Yes we can Mira," he whispers. "I'm not going to pretend I don't have feelings for you anymore. We can still figure everything out and be together. I pro-"

"Don't," I say, placing a hand on his chest. "Don't promise anything, please. Az, you don't understand. I can't be with you." He jolts back as if I stabbed him. "Why not? Are you with someone back home?"

I shake my head. "No, but..."

"But nothing. I told you we can be together and find a way to get our families back. We won't be a distraction to one another."

I closed my eyes. "Because if I leave, I'm never coming back," I blurted out, interrupting him. He laughs, "Mira, you can always come back. Velaris is now your home." I shake my head. "No, you don't understand. I will never be able to come back."

He leans away and stands, running his fingers through his hair. "Then make me understand!" he yells in frustration. I looked to the house to make sure no one heard. "Don't worry about Cassian or Mor. Look at me. Make me understand!"

I stand up, the blanket slightly opening and I feel the breeze collide with my bare skin. "Because I'm the only one who can produce an heir Azriel!" I say aloud. _Careful Maliha, pick the next few words very carefully._ "My family are important people. Very important. They're practically what you and Cassian are to Rhysand. Our bloodline continues only with me. This means when I go back, they'll probably marry me off and try to get me to conceive as soon as possible in case something like this ever happens again. And do you really think they'll even let me out of their sight? I'll be lucky if I could even roam around my own court."

He looks at me with a confused expression. "But what about your cousin?" I laugh and shake my head. "My cousin...prefers male companions and he is a male himself. Which means I'm the last of the line."

He steps forward and places his hand on my cheek. "I don't understand what this has to do with us," he says, rubbing my cheekbone. My hand stops him and removes it from my face.

"It has everything to do with us. What's the point Az? What's the point with..." I gesture between us. "With this if in the end, we won't even be together. It'll just cause heartbreak. My heart and yours. Who knows how long we're here? A month? A year? Decades? More time with you will just make going back home harder."

"And you would rather just throw away what we feel? What we did hours ago? Because you're scared it'll break my heart?" He asks frustrated by my reasoning. I would be too. "Mira," he exhales, walking closer to me as I try to create space between us. He grabs my arms and pulls me to his chest.

"Listen to me, Whatever happens, happens. But what if this reign never ends. We don't know when or how or if everyone outside Velaris is okay. Don't base everything on hopes and hurt yourself on wondering what if. This is your life. I understand you love your family. I do. But you need to live for yourself too."

_Live through your own path, do not follow one someone created for you._

I let out a breath looking up at the spirits, anywhere but Azriel's eyes. My arms in his hands. Our chests close together. My blanket is now on the floor. I remember my mother's words but I was scared. I knew I would never find what I found with Azriel with anyone in the Dawn Court or anyone Thesan chooses. Was this love? I didn't know. But was I falling in love? That was certain.

_It breaks you and builds you. It hurts you but it repairs you. It suffocates you but also helps you breathe._

I laugh at my mother's irony in my head. Is this what she felt with my father or the person she loved if he was someone different. I feel my arms being released and his hand coming up under my chin, tilting my head up to meet his. He pressed his lips against mine softly. My lips moved with his as his hands cupped my face and my hands latched onto his forearms.

"I'd rather have you for little time than no time at all," he whispers against my lips. And with that, he let go and picks up my blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders and grabbing the top pulling me close to kiss my forehead before walking back inside, leaving me with my thoughts.

I sniffle as I look up to the sky. The sky is now the perfect shade of pink and purple the way my mother and I loved. Smiling up at the spirits whose numbers lessened to a couple every other second, I closed my eyes.

"Mom," I whispered. "Please, if you're out there, I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, I do but Thesan. My duties. Please I just need a sign. Any sign that if I do this, it'll be worth it in the end."

Opening my eyes, I saw a single silver spirit emerge from the sky and it looked like it was going to hit the house. In milliseconds, I felt it hit my chest and I stepped back at the abrupt movement. Looking down with confusion on my face, I gasped when I saw where it had landed. Right on my necklace.

At that moment, I had my answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes:
> 
> Hello Everyone and thank you for reading my rollercoaster...hehe 
> 
> Anyways I thought I would answer a few questions that came up
> 
> 1) Will they ever learn her real name? Short answer- yes but they'll eventually understand why she did it. At first they will be angry but then just upset but understanding yk?
> 
> 2) Will I go back to my original schedule? Yes, when I have less university work. Right now finals are coming up which unable me to write chapters so I'm uploading ones I have written for now. I always like to have at least one chapter for the week so I can upload for you guys. 
> 
> 3) How many chapters are left till the present? Seeing how it is year 15, about 6-7 if i continue going in 5 year intervals. The next two chapters will be REALLY important though. 
> 
> Anyways that's all the questions lmk if you have more in the comments! Also be sure to check out my etsy shop Mariam's Moon Shop for bookish stickers and Harry style Stickers... Also, there's a limited edition Dorian Havilliard in a maid dress...


	14. Chapter 14

***5 years later* *Get ready for a lot of POV changes...also I'm sorry for this***

20 years. 20 years have now passed since my arrival to Velaris. And so much change has happened as well as no change at all. Nothing has changed with our contact with the outside world. The shield Rhys has placed has remained untouched.

We couldn’t find a witch to help us. Turns out the shop owner Cassian and Azriel were thinking about was just fascinated by the ways of herbs and the magic of them. If we needed any herb drink or anything relating to it, he was the person but as far as magic, there was no luck at all.

One thing has changed for sure and that was me. I wasn’t the same Maliha as when I first arrived. I was stronger mentally and physically. I had healed completely. I was living under a name other than my own. My duties in life had changed. My relationship with the inner court had strengthened. They were now my family as well. Was that a good thing or bad thing only time would tell.

Elijah has remained true to his word. Not revealing who I am to anyone and I was grateful for it. He asked if I were ever going to reveal myself and a part of me wanted to. But the other part was saying that even though my name had changed, I haven’t and in some way this taking on a new identity helped me in being okay.

But I hated it. It probably wasn’t the best idea to take on my mother’s name. For several reasons. One, it reminded me of her every time someone would call for me. Two, it was strengthening the lie and increasing the chances of them never forgiving me. And three, Azriel. But thankfully, he had stopped using my mother’s name and has only ever called me Mira. Though it was close, I didn’t think of it that way.

Another thing that has changed was something I can’t really explain. My dreams have become weird. They’re more like memories being unlocked. I mean, I never really dream of anything to begin with but some days I do and it’s always the same.

It was like my mind had a door becoming unlocked. But like something was holding a door closed but a force on the other side kept pushing. And every so often, they would succeed in opening the door but only slightly until the force pushed it back shut.

But despite the fact it was closed again, that small opening let something through. A memory perhaps? Of a young fae girl and a young fae boy. Visions came of them either laughing, standing near each other, or even clashing their swords against each other.

For faes, it is extremely difficult to vividly remember our years younger than a century if they did not make a large impact on you like Elijah's memory of my mother and I did on his. But these memories or visions or whatever they are, they appeared in my mind like they were just yesterday.

Maybe that's why they come so vividly. Because they've been locked inside a cage, begging to be let out and remembered. Everytime one came, my head throbbed and pain shot throughout my body.

And every year on my birthday, it got worse. It only started in my 15th year in Velaris. For 5 years, it became aggressively worse.

The first time was just minor headaches I thought were nothing and we still went to the party Mor had held for me. The second, the headaches came a little stronger and my body felt a little tired but we still celebrated. The third, my headaches stayed the same but my body felt more tired. The fourth, my entire body ached from my mind and soul to the flesh and bones. In all four years, we still held a party of some sort. On the fourth, we settled for dinner.

These headaches and body aches happened throughout the year as well but not nearly as bad as on my birthday and were very rare. I mostly got nightmares and woke in terror. Some filled my mother's death, Amarantha, death of loved ones, and so much more.

The only time I would really get headaches was when I thought of the past. My past. Everytime I tried to remember it, it was like something pushed me back. And when I thought too much on the visions that flashed through my mind, pain shot through my body. It was like something inside me prohibited it.

Today is going to be the 20th birthday I celebrate in Velaris and therefore the 5th since this painful journey started. I woke up an hour ago and have been staring at the ceiling ever since, Azriel laying by my side. His body was turned so he was facing me. One of his wings under my body and the other draped across the bed on the other side when it came undone when I fidgeted.

I looked over at him, his face a little scrunched and a crease along his forehead like he was thinking in his sleep. Slowly I took my hand and swiped it along the crease as it softened but he didn't wake. Merely just shifted in his position and tightened the hand along my naked waist. Our clothes were discarded on the floor around us.

I smiled at him and turned to my side slowly to face his body, running my fingers along his face. Through his hair, down to his eyebrow, to his cheekbone, and to his lips. To think 5 years ago, I was going to let this all go…

***

_I touched my necklace where the silver spot now held like a paint splatter and smiled. I grasped it in my hand like I was afraid of it falling off and looked up at the sky._

_Without thinking another word, I ran inside after Azriel. I tried to be quiet, knowing that Mor and Cassian were asleep or I thought they were because they didn’t come out of their rooms when Azriel yelled. I looked through the halls and couldn’t find him._

_For a split second, I thought he had gone back to my room but looking through the slightly opened door, he wasn’t in there. Twisting my fingers, I walked towards his room. A room I had never gone into and knocked on his door._

_I waited for minutes but he never came. I knocked on his door once more. “Azriel,” I whispered. “Please open the door.” Nothing._

_I figured he may not be in his room and tried thinking of the one place he would go this early in the morning. The training field. To say I ran was an understatement._

_I opened the door and found Azriel, his back towards me working on his movements with his sword. He didn’t look my way or acknowledge the fact that the door had been opened._

_Quickly, I walked over to him in the midst of him taking his sword up through the air and turning to slash his way through his opponent but I stopped the sword midair by the handle._

_“Mira!” He yelled. “What the hell were you thinking? I could’ve…” I shut him up with my lips coming up to meet his and my hand grabbing his neck to pull him down. He dropped his sword and placed his hands on my waist, pulling me closer to his body. Our lips moved in sync, hungry for each other’s touch._

_It felt like seconds when he finally pulled away but had really been minutes. “I…”_

_“No,” I interrupted. “Let me speak.” He straightened his body and nodded. “You were right. Everything you said was right. We shouldn’t be together. It might become too distracting. And I was right. I can’t be with you because we both might get hurt in the end. But Mor and Cassian and Elijah are right as well. We don’t know when this whole reign will end. We don’t know if it ever will. But I want to be with you, Az. I want to be with you for however long we have. And most importantly you were right. I would rather be with you for little time than no time at all.”_

_He didn’t speak for moments until he grabbed the back of my neck and crashed his lips on mine. “Good,” he smiled._

***

“Morning baby,” he groaned in his gravelly voice. He pulled me closer to his body and tucked his head into my neck as I wrapped my arms around his. Placing a small kiss on my neck, he breathes out, “Happy Birthday.”

“Thank you,” I say quietly.

We stayed there peacefully for a few minutes until I heard a bang at my door and I jumped. I let go of Azriel and brought my bed sheets up to my naked chest and gasped.

“Cassian!” Azriel yelled, holding up my blanket to hide me as well. “Happy birthday!” he exclaimed, throwing his head up. But then saw the position we were in and made an o-shape with his lips. Mor walks in and smacks him across the head and clicks her tongue.

“I told you to wait until she leaves her room,” she sneers. She turns to Az and I and smiles looking down at my sheets before turning around and shooting Cassian outside. “Sorry!” she calls out as she shuts my door.

I look at Azriel who’s shooting daggers at the door and let out a laugh, falling back onto my bed. One of my arms crosses my torso as the other falls upon my eyes. I hear him let out a breath and bring a hand to my hip.

Taking my arm off my eyes, I place it on the nape of his neck and stare into his mesmerizing hazel eyes. He comes down to kiss me but I stop him and he groans. “Not this again,” he chuckles. He grabs my hand and pins it atop my head and presses his lips against mine. “I told you I didn’t care.”

I roll my eyes, “Well I do. So move out of my way so I can freshen up and then we can kiss as much as you like.” He lets go of my body.

He stands first, placing a pair of boxer briefs up his legs as I wrap the sheets tighter against me. Thankfully my headaches have not happened yet but then again I speak too soon.

As soon as I go to stand, a wave of pain shoots me back on the bed as my hands go to grasp the sheet and my eyes shut tightly. I wince as I felt my head pound.

An image of a boy and a girl came into my mind but they were standing around a table with a dessert in front of them, celebrating something. A birthday? Twins? I could never make out the two children because their faces were always distorted.

I felt hands on my knees, probably crouched in front of me and most likely Azriel.

Moments later the pain ends and I open my eyes. His hazel eyes were looking up into my brown ones with concern. “Do you need me to go get Madja?” he asks and I shake my head. “No, she already said she didn’t know what this was years ago.”

He sighs and nods, helping me stand and into the washroom. My body has yet to fail me but I know it will soon. Every year it worsened and if I couldn’t even stand for my birthday, all of Mor’s time would’ve gone to waste.

After freshening up, I wore one of Azriel’s shirts, a slight breeze flowed through my back from where his wing slits were but it wasn’t too bad. I was used to the autumn weather. I wore his sweats as well.

I walked out of my room -Azriel had already gone- and walked towards the dining room where fruits of all sorts were piled on the table as well as crepes from my mother and I’s favorite place.

I smiled seeing them, it was nice to know where my mother’s recipe for crepes came from and they tasted exactly like hers.

“Happy birthday,” I hear someone say from behind, wrapping their arms around my neck and kissing my cheek, several times. Giggling, I latched my hands on Cassian’s arms. “Thank you Cass,” I laughed.

“Okay okay,” Mor smacked his arms. “My turn. Go away.” He let go of me with one final big kiss on the cheek and I could swear I saw Azriel giving him a death look as he was walking towards him.

Mor laughed and wrapped her arms around me. “Happy birthday love,” she whispered. “Thank you,” I reply, hugging her back. “How are you feeling?” she asks as we pull away. “Any headaches or pain?”

I nod, “Just a little but it’s okay for now. Don’t worry. I’ll pull through for your dinner. You put so much time, I won’t let it go to waste.” She scoffs, “No, I don't care how much time will go to waste if you're feeling ill. We can celebrate another day if you don’t feel up for it.”

“Everything okay?” Azriel asks, wrapping an arm around my waist. I look up at him and nod, “Just telling Mor about the small headache and how I’ll be okay for dinner.” Mor rolls her eyes. “And I was saying if she’s truly not feeling up for it, we can celebrate another day.”

“She’s right,” Cassian calls out.

“I’m fine, can we have breakfast now? I’m starving.” Cassian points to me. “Yes, yes we can. I shall make you the best crepe you will ever have.”

Azriel tightens his hand around my waist. I look up at him with a smile. He places a kiss on the side of my head near my ear. “Please don’t eat the crepe he makes,” he pleads. “If you aren’t feeling sick now, you will after it.”

***

I tighten the towel around my breasts as I step out of the bath. Breakfast went smoothly until the very end where I started feeling cramps throughout my entire body. My head began to pound and I excused myself, using the excuse of getting ready to calm everyone.

It wasn’t a total excuse, I did need to get ready but I also needed warm water on my skin, washing away all the pain.

Looking into my wardrobe, I pulled out the two pieces Mor had gotten me to wear for my birthday and set it out on my bed. I felt cramps all throughout my body, the pain slowly coming back but it wasn’t too bad.

Taking off the towel, I slid red lace up my legs and the red high waisted trousers-that were wide, tulip pant legs- following them. Then wore it’s matching crop top that had a slight v-line showing off my cleavage. I walked over to the mirror to check myself and my hands over my body.

My shoulders have gotten more muscular but not too much and my stomach was toned far more than it was before. I guess this is what training almost every day for two decades will do to a body.

I walked over to my dresser and pulled out Cassian’s gift he had given me at breakfast, saying it wasn’t his actual one but the first of the night, and opened it. Pulling out the gold body jewelry, I held it up to see exactly how to put this on my body.

My head went through the neck hole and my arms through their holes, fixing the jewelry so it crossed my body in the right way.

Going to put on it’s matching earrings, I stopped abruptly when a sharp pain made it’s way through my head. My hand shoots up and grasps the dresser as I lean my head down and groan. A ringing in my ear began and I placed my head on the dresser.

This time, several moments had passed and it didn’t go away. I tried to walk over to my door to call for Mor but I couldn’t. With every step I took, my pain worsened and I felt the cramps rise.

Before I knew it, my whole world blacked out but I think I whispered Azriel’s name before going unconscious.

***

**Azriel’s Pov**

“Cassian,” I groan while he paces around my room for no reason whatsoever. “What?” he laughs. “Would you stay still?”

He rolls his eyes. With a click of his tongue, he raises his eyebrow at me. “What?” I snark.

“You really like her don’t you?”

I stayed silent but the answer was yes. Yes I did and it terrified me.

“It’s okay,” he smiles. “I know the answer. I saw it on your face this morning how jealous you got when I was wishing her a happy birthday.”

I roll my eyes and walk over to my dresser. Grabbing my pants and a simple grey shirt. Apparently, it wasn’t a dress up dinner nor was I allowed to wear my leathers.

Cassian quickly left so I could get ready. I put on my pants and my grey shirt, looping a black belt to hold them together, and placed my truth teller in its place. Mira had given me the custom belt that held my dagger last year for Solstice and it was honestly more useful than I would’ve thought.

Then I walked over to my desk, picking up the wrapped box with her gift inside of it, admiring Elijah’s work. I’ll admit having a...friend...who was good at wrapping gifts was very helpful. I just hoped she liked what was inside.

Setting it down, I grabbed the watch she had given me placing it on my left wrist. Then I picked the box up and walked out the door.

Before making my way to the dining room, I knocked on Mira’s door to see if she was ready but when there was no response, I listened closely and heard the bath running so I left her be.

“Azriel,” Elijah greets me as I walk in the dining room, holding out his hand. “Elijah,” I greet back, shaking his hand. “Where Amira?”

I nod my head in the direction of her room. “Still getting ready.” He nods in understanding and walks back to the kitchen.

Normally, I would be against having anyone but the inner circle and Amira be inside the House of Wind regularly without Rhysand here but it was her birthday. And besides us, Elijah was the only other person Amira had.

I helped Mor hang a few lights around the house while Cassian and Elijah decorated the dining table. Amren was sitting on the couch telling us when we were too low or too high. We finished rather quickly and Mira still hasn’t come out of her room. Elijah volunteered to go check on her if she was ready as I placed my gift at the head of the table.

He returned back moments later, “She’s not answering her door.” I look at Mor and she understands. “I’ll go check on her. Girl to girl.”

But she returns soon after. “Azriel,” she says urgently. I shoot my head up to look at her, stopping my arrangement of the gifts. “The doors locked and no answer.”

I look at Mor confused before rushing over to Amira’s door. I knocked once and there was no answer. “Mira!” I yell and knock once more. Nothing.

In seconds, I stepped back and kicked her door down. “Cassian!” I shout as I run to my unconscious girl. He comes running before looking down as I crouch down next to her head.

“I’ll get Madja,” he says quickly. “I’ll go get some towels and water. Azriel, get her on the bed,” Mor says and quickly leaves, Elijah following her.

“Baby,” I whisper, grabbing her head and placing it on my lap. No response. “Mira, open your eyes.”

When there was no response once again, I carefully picked up her body and placed her in the center of her bed. She felt cold like ice. Grabbing her extra blacker, I placed it on her body and sat in the desk chair near her bed.

“Mira,” I call out to her once more and take her hand, engulfing it with both of my hands. “Mira, open your eyes.”

Pressing my lips against her ice cold knuckles, all I could do was sit and wait for Madja.

***

**Maliha’s POV**

_“Hello?” I called out to the empty city. Groaning, I placed a hand on my head, the pain shooting through me once more._

_I kneel down on the white floors and grasp my head, the ringing in my ear getting louder._

_“Maliha!” I hear someone yell. I look up to see a door, a black door, at the end of the hall. I stand up and walk slowly towards the door._

_“Maliha, baby! Where are you?”_

_I grasp the handle and let out a breath, twisting the door handle. Opening it, I saw I was back in the House of Wind._

_“There you are!” I hear someone exclaim and then sounds of giggles erupting in the dining room. I walk around the table to see a woman kneeling and looking down. “Come out of there,” she whispers._

_She reaches under the table, grabbing a small hand and pulling the child up._

_I gasped at the sight in front of me, seeing it was my mother and myself again._

_My mother laughs as my younger self wraps her arms around her waist and kneels down to kiss her head before looking up. Her laughter stops abruptly._

_“Maliha, go play,” she commands my younger self. Younger Maliha unwraps her arms and runs past me._

_“You can see me?” I ask. She walks towards me, angrily, and grasps my arm. “What are you doing back here? I told you to not come back.”_

_She pulls me through the dining room and sits us down on the sofa._

_“Mom, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I sigh. “Every year on my birthday, I’ve been having extreme headaches and body aches, mostly in my back, and every year it gets worse.”_

_She looks horrified by my statement. “Maliha, where are you? Where’s Lucy?”_

_I raise my eyebrows, “Lucy? What does she have to do with this? And I’m in Velaris, I found the city of Starlight.” She doesn’t look excited so I answer her first question. “I haven’t seen Lucy in 20 years. Amarantha has taken over all of Prythian. Her men injured me and left me for dead. Azriel, the High Lord of the Night’s spymaster, found me and brought me to Velaris. I’ve been trapped here since.”_

_She stares at me for minutes, not saying a word before letting out a frustrated sigh and standing up. Grabbing a vase near the fireplace, she throws it to the ground, startling me._

_“Mom!” I yell and stand. “What is going on? Where am I? Why can I see you? Am I just in my head?”_

_She lets out a breath. “You’re not in your head Maliha. You’re dying…”_

***

**Azriel’s Pov**

“I don’t know what is going on with her,” Madja sighs, placing her hand on Amira’s forehead. “But she’s getting colder and her heart is slowing down.”

Mor sits on the bed placing her hand on Amira’s thigh over the blanket. My hands are still engulfing one of Mira’s. Cassian and Elijah standing near the door.

“What do you mean slowing down?” Cassian asks loudly. “As in she’s dying? She’s been fine. This only happens around her birthday and then goes away!”

“Cassian,” Elijah warns, placing a hand on his arm to pull him back. He probably didn’t notice he was stepping forward because he shook his head and stepped back.

My shadows were unrested and they weren’t as silent as usual. It was as if they were also stressed.

My brian was going in circles. She was fine. She was okay yesterday. She showed no signs of headaches on our date as I took her out for dinner in Velaris and nothing as we spent the night together. She was fine. And then she wasn’t.

I should’ve known something was wrong in the morning. I should’ve seen it coming. I wasn’t taking things seriously as I should’ve. This was my job. I observe. I inform when things are wrong or when things are weird. And I failed. Mira was not okay and I should’ve seen it.

“I’ll stay here for a little to see if she wakes up but I don’t know if she will,” Madja says, walking towards the door. Elijah nods and shows her the way, “I’ll make tea for you.”

Mor stood up to follow them, running a hand through my hair and giving me a slight smile before leaving. 

“She’s going to be fine,” Cassian says after moments of silence. My gaze stays on Mira, not saying a word. “Az…”

“How do you know?” I manage to say and look at him. He sighs and shakes his head. “I just do. She didn’t die the first time Madja said she was dying and she won’t die this time either. We just need to believe in her. Whatever this is, she’ll be okay.”

With a click of my tongue, I turn my gaze back to Mira.

I hear the door shut signifying Cassian had left and let out a breath.

My shadows were driving me insane. I was already worried and they worsened my anxiousness. It was like something was affecting them to act this way. It was as if something was pulling them. It all started minutes after placing Mira in the bed and a part of me thought they were just anxious because I was but I’m not sure that was the truth either. But my mind wasn’t focused on what was going on in the shadows because it was focused on what was going on in front of me.

I’m continuously telling myself she’s fine. That she’ll wake up but with every second that passes, it’s as if she’s getting colder. Her breathing was getting shallow. And no one knew why. The worst part? I couldn’t do anything about it but wait.

***

**Maliha’s POV**

_“Mom,” I say, my voice choking up. “What do you mean I’m dying?”_

_She shakes her head and walks away. “Mom!” I yell. She turns back around abruptly, “Maliha, this place… I can’t explain it. It’s like the middle ground and I always come back here whenever you're here it seems.”_

_“Do I have your illness?” I ask and she shakes her head. “No, but Lucy warned me about this.” I stare at her with my eyebrows scrunched together and my head pounding over the questions I’m getting in my head more than answers. She looks up at me and sighs, sitting down on a lone sofa._

_“Baby, when you were young, you were in danger. A part of you put you in that danger so I looked for a witch to help me subdue that part until one day it was safe or you learned to control it. Lucy was the witch…”_

_I felt my head spin and grabbed on to the sofa arm rest to seat myself across from my mother. “Lucy… Lucy has been a witch all this time? But her ears…”_

_“She’s of mixed species, her mother was a witch and her father was a fae,” my mother answers. “And yes, Lucy is a witch but I didn’t know for years until I needed one. Her magic allows her to use shadow and light for spells but she prefers potions and herbs since she could live a normal life without anyone knowing what she truly was.”_

_“What does this have to do with me now?” I ask impatiently. “The only way to subdue this part of you was having you not only hide but make you forget something. So, every year on your birthday Lucy would make you a treat with the potion…”_

_“You and Lucy drugged me every year!” I yell and stand. My mother stands, “Maliha, you need to understand this was for your safety.”_

_“Safety?” I scoff. “Please mom, safety or not, I should have a say in what you decided to hide from me. What is it?” My mother keeps quiet, looking at the ground. “Mom! What are you hiding from me?”_

_She looks up and walks over to me, grabbing both my arms. “All you need to know is since it’s been 20 years since you’ve last taken the potion, a side of you will emerge more every year and this is only the start. Listen to me, you need to fight this, Lucy and I were afraid this would happen but neither of us knew it would. Fight it Maliha. Go home. Wake up. And if you do find out the truth one day, please forgive me. I had to. We had to. Don’t let the dark side consume you, take control.”_

_Tears fill my eyes, “Mom, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong with me?” She shakes her head. “I don’t truly know, baby. And I’m so sorry this happened. There was no way to predict this but you need to go back to Lucy. If you want to remember your past and unlock the part I’ve kept hidden, you need to do it safely and only Lucy will be able to help you. Remember the light of the stars and moon will guide your way, embrace the night, and everything that comes with it, even the shadows. Just remember don’t let shadows consume you. Now go, walk out that door. It’s your only chance.”_

_She pushes me and I tumble on the ground, looking behind me to see the door I once came from glow brightly. I turn back to my mom to see shadows emerging from the floor. I stand slowly, my hand reaching to my side to grab my sword but forgetting I was defenseless. And I didn’t know where I was in the first place._

_“Maliha!” My mother screams. “Go, Now! Before it kills you!”_

_The shadows slither by my mother’s feet like snakes in a meadow but ignores her as if she wasn’t there. I turned my body and ran to the door, grabbing the handle which felt as cold as ice. Turning back slightly, I see my mother wasn’t there anymore, just the shadows darkening the room._

_Turning towards the door, I shut my eyes and pulled it open._

***

**Azriel’s Pov**

A scream jolts me awake and I shoot my head up from resting it on the side of Mira’s bed to see her sitting up and sobbing. The door bursts open seconds later as I climb onto the bed facing her.

“Baby,” I whisper, grabbing the back of her head and pulling it onto my shoulders. But the next thing she says breaks me.

“Let go of me,” she pleads, pushing her hands on my chest. I pull away, looking at her to see what was wrong. Mor places a hand on my shoulders and I turn my head to look at her, seeing the expression on her face that she’ll hand this.

I accept defeat and stand letting Mor sit in my place. “Mira,” she says quietly and Mira looks up at her. She wraps her hands around Mor and sobs. Mor latches on. “Mira, what happened?” I hear Mor ask.

“Shadows,” is all Amira responds and I back away, turning to look at Cassian and Elijah. “I think they tried to kill me.”

And that’s all it took for me to bolt out of the room, Cassian and Elijah hot on my heels. “Azriel!” I hear Cassian call out. He grabs my arm and turns me around. “She doesn’t mean you.”

“She’s terrified of me! Did you see the look on her face when she first looked at me?”

“Azriel, he’s right,” Elijah says. “She doesn’t mean you or maybe even your shadows. Maybe she just needed female comfort. Give her time.”

I take a deep breath, running a hand through my hair and sitting on the sofa. “Leave me be,” is all I said and without another word, they leave the room.

My shadows returned back to their silence. No words, no whispers, and no movement. I laughed softly at the irony. Did my shadows scare her now? And what did she mean by shadows tried to kill her? I was with her for the past 3 days, nothing has happened. No shadows other than my own have been in the room.   
And yes, it’s been 3 days. 3 days since she fell into a deep sleep. 3 days since her birthday. 3 days of waiting for her to open her eyes. And only for her eyes to be filled with fear when I first embraced her.

I placed my head in my hands and took a deep breath, I would give her space. However long she needed it.

***

2 weeks. It’s been 2 weeks since Mira has woken up and I avoided all contact with her. Whenever she was in one part of the house, I was in the other. Whenever she was eating, I was in my room.

Mor and Cassian tried their best not to talk about her in front of me.

I let out my frustration on the punching bag in the training field. I knew this whole thing was a bad idea. Getting involved that is. I should’ve known better. I should’ve kept Rhys and my other priorities first. But I thought I would be able to handle it.

This is only two weeks and I hated it. And I knew one day I would have to say goodbye forever. She even said we shouldn’t but I pushed her.

I told her I would rather have little time with her than none at all and I still meant it. But this, this was different. The look on her face haunted me. She looked terrified. Her pupils went wide and her face froze. All because of shadows. Was she scared of me or my shadows?

She once felt comfort in my shadows or so she told me while she was so drunk she could barely stand. What happened to cause the comfort to turn to fear?

I heard the door open but remained in my position, letting everything out on the bag.

“Azriel,” I heard her voice and all my anger released in a right hook, tearing the bag off the hook and landing yards away. Breathing heavily, I stared at the bag and then to my hands, removing the bandages.

“Azriel,” I heard her voice again but then I realized it was coming from behind me. I turned around, my face falling, seeing her dressed in my sweatshirt I had given her when she first arrived.

“Sorry, I’ll go,” I say quickly, walking towards the door. I felt her hand grab my upper arm, stopping me in my tracks. “No, I was looking for you. Can we talk?” I look at her hand and feel her tug. “Please? Then you can go back to ignoring me.”

My eyes find hers and I cock my head to the side. “You think I’m ignoring you?” She shrugs, letting go of my arm. I lift her head with the tip of my finger. “Mira, I’m not. I just wanted to give you space. Come on, let’s head inside and we can talk.”

She nods and begins to lead the way as I follow her, unwrapping my bandages from my knuckles. She stops when we reach the hallway and I figure she wants me to pick where we talk so I walk straight towards my door, looking back to see her shocked expression seeing how she’s never been inside. It wasn’t that I never wanted her to come to my room, it just never really happened.

I open my door, holding it open for her and she looks at the ground walking inside. Closing the door, I throw the bandages on the desk and look at Mira, walking around my room. Stopping at my dresser and running her fingers over my watch.

I decided to sit in my desk chair, waiting for her to begin the conversation.

“Are you upset with me?” she asks after moments of silence which makes me look at her confused. She still was facing my dresser and couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not.

“Why would I be upset with you?” A shrug was my response. “Mira,” I murmur. “Look at me.” I lean forward, setting my arms on my knees as she turns around wringing her fingers. She places her knees on my bed, shifting till her knees are against her chest and her arms are crossed over it.

“I’m not upset with you,” I answer. “I just was giving you space. You were terrified of me.” She looks up abruptly. “I wasn’t terrified of you,” she says, her voice low. “You were terrified of my shadows.”

She kept quiet, confirming my suspicions. “I didn’t want to be,” she confesses. She takes a deep breath and her voice begins to crack.

“I was dying Az. I don’t know how to explain it but I was dying and I saw my mom. When I asked her where I was, she didn’t know but she was only taken there when I was near death like she was my guardian. But she didn’t want me to die. And when I told her what was going on with me, she looked scared. My aunt’s a witch. All this time, my mother’s best friend, the woman I considered my aunt, has been a witch. And every year -every since I was very very young- they’ve been giving me some sort of potion on my birthday to subdue a side of me my mom hid to protect me.

She thinks this is the side effect of me not taking it for 20 years and she said every year it would get worse. She said I needed to fight it and to not let the dark side take control.”

I look at her, examining her. She was terrified of whatever her mother told her. She went to the In-Between, a place I thought was made up.

“Remember when I told you years ago when I told you my mother used to always dodge questions about my family history? And how I told you my mother and I fought because I felt like she was hiding something from me? Maybe something about my past?” she asks, looking up to look at me and I nod. “Well, she said if I wanted to remember my past, I needed to do it safely and only Lucy could help me. She said something about embracing the night and not letting shadows consume me.” She said the last part very low, like it would injure me if she said it aloud.

After moments of silence, I spoke. “Do you think the last part was a metaphor? About me?” She shakes her head and looks at me with shock in her eyes. “No, not at all. Because right before I woke up, I felt fear. So much of it. Like a wave of magic and then these dark shadows began emerging like they were coming after me. I just…”

She closed her eyes and continued. “I won’t lie. When I woke up and saw and felt your shadows, I was terrified. But not of you. After a couple days, I realised your shadows didn’t scare me. They didn’t feel the same as the presence of the ones I saw. But every time I tried coming into the same room you were, you walked away. And whenever I asked Cassian or Mor, they ignored me. So, I thought you were upset.”

***

**Maliha’s POV**

I held onto my knees as a lifeline. Years ago, I told Azriel about my past and my fight with my mother and some of the contents of the letter without showing him the letter. I wasn’t fully sober while making that decision and now I was telling him about this.

He probably thought I was insane.

But his shadows brought me comfort. It was different from what I felt. Looking back on the seconds I was with the shadows of whatever that world was, I felt terrified. I felt fear. I felt magic, a magic I’ve never felt before. A magic I was unfamiliar with.

And now, I was so much more confused about every aspect of my life. On the secrets my mother held. Of my relationship with Lucy.

I knew one thing was for certain and that was I couldn’t lose Azriel. Not right now.

“Do you believe me?” I whisper, hoping for validation but looking down at my feet.

I hear him let out a breath. “Come here,” he coaxes. I look up at him and move across the bed, going to stand in front of him. He lets out his hand and I grab it, letting him bring me towards him and setting me on his lap, my legs on either side. His arms wrap around my neck as I wrap mine under his, setting my head on his chest and closing my eyes.

My breathing became uneasy feeling his shadows but soon calmed. I felt the wave of silence and peace, relaxing my breath. I felt him press his lips on the side of my head. “I believe you,” he mumbles.

I close my eyes, savoring this moment.

Though I was scared of what happened two weeks ago. Though I was afraid I was dying. That I was drained of energy. That I was so tired due to not being able to sleep, I felt safe in this moment. With Az. In his arms. Surrounded by his shadows.

“Is it true you haven’t slept?” I softly asked. He exhales deeply, releasing me and leaning back in his chair. His hand comes up and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “I was worried about you. This may be creepy but I would open your door multiple times in the night to check if you were still breathing,” he laughs.

I laugh with him, “I know.” He cocks his head to the side and lifts an eyebrow. I shrug. “I haven’t been able to sleep either so when I would hear you come in, I would close my eyes and pretend I was asleep.”

He shakes his head and brings his hand to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing the bags under my eyes. “We should go to sleep then.”

Without saying another word, I stand and reach my hand out for him to take. I climb onto his bed and go under the covers. He changes quickly, still being in workout clothes, and comes to bed.

Pulling me close to his body, I felt his wings wrap around us as we face each other.

For the first time in weeks, I can finally close my eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone. umm, I'm sorry she almost died but umm this is lw important for the future so I hope you guys keep this in mind as you continue reading. There is a reason it happens only on her birthday which you will find out soon xxx
> 
> Please don't forget to kudos and comment


	15. Chapter 15

***5 years later***

“Azriel, stop,” I laugh as he presses kisses all around my face. 

I decided I wanted to bake cookies and Azriel decided to...help? By help, I mean taking every opportunity to distract me and pull me aside. Every time I told him to stay on one side of the kitchen, he would walk over to wherever I was.

Also, he was whisking the dough wrong. 

Which resulted in me throwing flour in his face on accident! After showing him how to correctly whisk, I went back to the other side of the kitchen starting batch two which resulted in him following me. 

While having flour on my hands, I pointed to his station and accidentally flicked the flour onto his face.

I think we all know what happened next…

Now the kitchen floors were filled with flour and our bodies as well. Azriel chucked a whole handful of flour in my face, making me go blind which allowed him the opportunity to hoist me on his waist and set me on the island. The moment I moved my hand to remove the flour on my eyes, he attacked. 

He’s been a lot more laid back in the past five years since my almost near-death experience. Part of it because I did almost die and the other part of himself was slowly losing faith in Rhysand’s return. I knew he hated himself for thinking it but it’s been 25 years. I think we all have started to lose faith. 

Since my birthday 5 years ago, my body has been okay. My mother was right, every year it got worse but in a different way each time. The first year was filled with consistent trips to the bathroom, letting go of every meal. Year two was me in bed hacking up blood and feeling pain throughout my body. In year three, I could barely keep my eyes open, I slept for the whole day and some of the next. In year four, I couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone had their hands around my throat and wouldn’t let go. Truthfully, I was afraid for this year’s but it’s still months away. 

What confused me was every other day in the year, for the most part, I was okay. Slight headaches here and there. Some nightmares. But I was okay. 

I tried asking Elijah but he knows nothing of it and has never seen anything like it, Madja either. I think Madja wants to use me as an experiment if I was being honest. 

The only way I got through my birthdays was with the Inner Circle by my side. I would lay with my head in one of their laps most of the day. Azriel slept with me the night before till the morning after. Cassian kept me sane and tried to distract me every chance he could. Mor and I talked about the most random things. Amren would even come over and play chess with me. Elijah would sometimes come over and read books to me. 

It was the strangest thing. One day I would be fine, the next I would become tired, my birthday would be horrible, the next day I would recover, and then back to normal. It was like a door constantly opening and closing one day a year. 

Other than that, these past 5 years have been normal. Nothing changing. Training in the morning with either Azriel, Morrigan, or Cassian. Then doing something to try to fill our time. For me, the majority of the time I spent writing. 

Writing letters to be exact. 

Goodbye ones for the hope that one day I will return home and I could leave something behind. Explaining everything. Why I lied about my name all these years. Why I could never come back. How even though I kept my true Dawn Court identity a secret, I was still the same person and that would never change. But I understood if they became angry with me. I would miss them dearly but duty is a duty. 

Anyways, enough of the sad talk, let’s get back to what’s going on here and now. Azriel attacked me. 

“Azriel, the cookies are going to burn!” I laugh, trying to push his body off mine. He placed me on the island and was now in between my spread legs. 

"What in the cauldron's name is going on in here?" Cassian laughs, causing me to turn my head to the doorway. I shrugged as Azriel pulled away, keeping his hands on my waist. "I wanted cookies, Azriel wanted to help and then he started being rude so I threw flour in his face, and here we are." 

Azriel shoots his head towards me. "I was being rude?" he mocks pointing at himself. "You were the one telling me I was useless." 

"Well, you weren't mixing the dough correctly!" 

"Well anyways..." Mor snaps. "Mira, you ready?" I nod and push Azriel off of me to hop off the island. "Let me go change," I say untying the apron. 

"Wait, where are you going?" Azriel asks, leaning on the counter. "None of your business," Mor rolls her eyes. "But I do however need this kitchen cleaned before we get back. Cassian, help him!" 

"What!" Cassian shouts, waving his hands around the kitchen. "But I didn't do this!" There was no room for argument as Mor left without saying another word. I shake my head and laugh, walking up to Azriel.

Standing on my tiptoes, I press my lips against his cheek. "Mor and I are having a girl's day," I answered his question. He wraps his arms around my waist as I wrap mine around his neck. "And you're leaving me with Cassian to clean the mess?" he says, raising an eyebrow. 

I nod, bringing my lips to his. I savor the taste of his lips on mine before pulling away. “That’s okay, right?” He nods and I smile, letting go of his neck to change. But before I could fully pull away, he grabs me back and places his lip once more on mine. “Just as payment,” he smiles against my lips. 

I turn my head to see Cassian leaning against the wall with one knee prompted up on the wall and his arms crossed. I laugh as I make my way towards him and pat him on the shoulder on my way out. “Sorry!” I call out and I hear him groan. 

***

“Thanks, baby,” I go to press my lips against Azriel as we land in front of Velaris. Mor and I were going to take the secret staircase that led to the city quickly but Cassian and Azriel offered to fly us since they were going to go to the edge of the city to see if anything had changed and make sure it was secure. 

“Nope,” Mor grabs the waistband of my pants before our lips touch, tugging me away causing Azriel to let go of me. “Mor!” he yells. She gives him a vulgar gesture. “She’s mine today!”

I laugh waving goodbye before turning my body to walk alongside Mor. She loops her arm in mine as we walk down the city. 

“So, where are we off to today?” I ask since Morrigan told me yesterday it was a surprise and I wasn’t allowed to ask any questions until we landed in the city. 

“We,” she says, tugging my arm. “Are going to go to the hairdresser, change our hair because why not, eat till we throw up, and then go shopping.”

“Mor,” I whine. “I like my hair.” She laughs and looks at me. “Come on Mira, when’s the last time you changed your color? I don’t even know what you look like without silver hair. What is your natural color anyway?” 

“Brunette,” I replied laughing. 

She shakes her head. “No, we are getting it changed. How do you feel about a shade of blue?” I look at her with an eyebrow raised as she opens the door to the hairdresser. 

“Morrigan! Amira!” the hairdresser exclaims, throwing her hands in the air to come over and greet us. “Time for another touch-up Amira? I thought we had two more weeks left?”  
“We should have two more weeks left, Ellete,” I say, greeting her back with a hug. “But Mor wants me to change it up a bit. Something other than silver.”

She lets out a sigh and turns to face Mor. “Finally! Someone said it. Darling, I love you but this whole 25 years of continuing silver has got to change.” I laugh and shake my head. “Mor, are we getting rid of the blonde today?” 

Mor nods. “Maybe not all. I was thinking of an ombré, my natural blonde flowing to a shade of red like the blood of my enemies.” Ellete laughs and throws her head back. “I love it.”

She guides us to the two chairs in front of a mirror, wrapping a black sheet of protection around our bodies. Ellete’s sister Elliana comes out from the back and greets both of us. Elliana chooses to work on mine as Ellete chooses to work on Mor’s. The moment Mor told her she wanted me to go blue but not blue as the sky in the daytime, Elliana knew exactly what to do. To say I was nervous was an understatement.

It wasn’t that I hated the idea. I just never have thought of it being turned into any other color than silver or my natural. It was already risky enough for me to go silver and now I was doing another color entirely. All my hair would be the shade of blue Elliana chooses for me. I just hoped I liked it and it looked good with my complexion. 

It took about 6 hours to finish my hair. I was not allowed to look in the mirror until it was done. And because of this, my hair was turned to face the wall. On the left was Morrigan facing the opposite side and Ellete behind them. All four of us conversed together as they did our hair about the most random things. 

Ellete mentioned her mate and her were going to start trying to conceive a child. Elliana and her lover were finally moving in together after 6 years. They asked about Mor and me and if we had anything going on and of course Azriel came up. 

“I’m sorry!” Ellete gasps. “Since when?” Mor laughs, “For about 10 years now. Did you really not know?” 

“Well, someone here never mentioned it. A whole decade and you never once mentioned you were in bed with the High Lord’s spymaster. Well, I’m offended, darling.”

I laugh and shake my head. “It never came up and it’s complicated.” 

Mor raised an eyebrow and I continued. “It’s just Azriel and me, we’re complicated. We are together but in a way, it’s as if we’re both ready to let go of one another as well.”

“It’s as if you both are swimming in the ocean holding on to each other but expecting a wave to hit and tear you both apart.” I turn my head slightly to look at Elliana. “Exactly,” I say quietly.

“Why would that happen?” Mor asked. I shrugged. “Mor, you know I have to go back home. Azriel and I would have to let go of each other when that day comes. It’s why sometimes we go for some days or weeks being distant from each other. To not get fully attached in a way.” 

Mor looks at me with empathy in her eyes. “Well, I think if anyone could make it work, it would be both of you. I have faith.” 

I smile as they continue to talk about something else. I still haven’t told Mor that once I go, I’m gone for good. Nor have I told Cassian. Elijah knows because he knows who I am true. And Azriel, of course. 

The hours went by slowly, sometimes my brain would wonder about Azriel and if he was alright. It’s been so long he hasn’t worn his leathers that seeing Cassian and him in their leathers with their siphons glowing bright was unusual. 

Azriel’s attitude changes as well. It’s as if when he’s in them, he’s someone else. Someone more protective and soldier-like. Like he couldn’t become distracted. 

When we were finally done, Elliana curled my hair. And when I finally got to look in the mirror, I gasped. My hair was a shade of sapphire blue. The same color as the sidra river. I hated to admit it but they were right. I did need a change. 

I turn my head to see Mor admiring her hair, true to what she wanted. Her blonde hair flowing to a shade of bright red and slightly curled as well. She turns her head and smiles, leaning on the dresser behind her as she turns her body to face mine. 

“Elliana,” she states. “You did exactly what I was thinking.” Elliana laughs and shrugs, “It’s my specialty.”

We thanked them as Mor paid and said our goodbyes. We ended up saving going shopping for another day as we were starving and it was getting late. We settled for a pizzeria, getting seated in their outside dining area as we talked about the most random things. 

Mor told me more stories of the boys at home and her cousin. I smiled, feeling her happiness radiating off her as she talked about Rhysand, hoping one day I may meet him too. 

I realized at that moment just how different Mor and I were. Mor and I were the cousins of High Lords but she was free while I in a way, was not. 

She didn’t have to bear an heir nor was she a bastard child forced to hide her identity for centuries. Everyone knew of Morrigan and her connection to their High Lord. 

I knew Thesan didn’t keep being a secret even after our parents’ passing because he wanted to but it was all we ever knew. What was the point now? Telling everyone I existed after five centuries. Everyone who did recognize me knew I was one of his soldiers or involved in the palace except for Helion. It was just the life we knew.

Maybe everyone would find out once he needed an heir but like Thesan used to say for a long time, “If it doesn’t concern nor harm them, why do they need to know?”

I pushed his words out of my head and continued talking to Mor about her outfit for the next Starfall coming up. 

After finishing our meals, we went back to the House of Wind. 

***

I twisted my fingers in nervous jitters when we arrived at the house. I wasn’t afraid of the reaction I would get but I was nervous. Mor simply just laughs at me. “They’re going to love it. Especially Azriel,” she says with a wink. I roll my eyes at her. 

She walks through the back entrance going inside the dark entryway. We reached the door, opening it which led to the dining room. Walking through, we saw the Illyrians were not in here. “Cassian! Azriel!” Mor calls out. We hear a “Bring wine!” coming from the living room. I roll my eyes at Cassian’s voice. 

I go to the kitchen to get a bottle of wine as Mor brings four glasses and follows her to where the boys were. “Will you look who’s-” Cassian stops but laughs. “This is amazing. Azriel, look at this.” He nudges Azriel who was at his side of the couch. They both still in their armor looking over some papers on the small table in front. 

Azriel hums scanning the pages before Cassian gives him another jolt. He looks up and then looks back down with no regard to Mor and I’s new hairstyle. But it quickly hits him as he jolts his head back up to look at us, his stare cold.

I shift uncomfortably, not being able to tell his reaction. Mor was the first to speak, “I know. I know. We look extra sexy right now.” Cassian stands and walks over to her as Azriel eyes my body. 

Cassian stands in between us and takes a stand on either of our hair. “I like Mor’s more,” he shrugs. I laugh and shake my head. “You’re just biased because of your siphon colors but that’s okay, more wine for me.” I walk away, the strand of curled hair going back to its place. 

“Wait!” Cassian whines. “What? That’s not fair. I’m sorry, I was biased but don’t take the wine!”

I shrug and continue to walk over to Azriel. Walking around the table to where he was on the edge of the couch, I saw him lean back a little. His shadows still. His left hand was placed on his lap and his right pinching his lip. 

I set the wine down near the paper and stand back up. “Do you like it?” I simply ask. His eyes furrowed as he took in the new color before he grabbed my hand with his right and pulled me into his lap, making me straddle him. 

I looked briefly around to see Cassian and Mor had left, either to get more wine or to give us time alone. Letting go of my hand, he twirls a strand of hair around his finger. 

“Did you do this on purpose?” he asks and I give him a confused expression. “You with the blue hair. Mor with the red. My siphons are blue and Cassian is red.” 

“Wait Mor and Cassian?” He shakes his head and chuckles lightly. “A long time ago but maybe they still do for fun, who knows?” 

I wrap my arms around his neck. “Oh, well no. I don’t know. Mor picked it out. Maybe she did do it on purpose. I wasn’t allowed to see until they were done.”

He hums in response, still examining the strand. “I like it.” He lets go of the strand to cup my face, his thumb rubbing my cheekbone, and brings my head down to meet his lips. 

He took his time moving his lips with mine before deepening the kiss, letting his tongue slip through. I felt his left-hand land on my hips and squeeze. His hand cupping my face moved to the underside of my head, grabbing a first full of hair and pulling, causing me to let out a moan. 

“Shh,” he chuckles. “Cassian and Mor could come back any second.” His lips move down my throat to the side of my neck, sucking and nibbling at the skin. I felt his hand move my hips and I sniffled a moan, throwing my head back. I felt him smile against my skin at the extra skin being displayed. 

I heard footsteps echo in the house towards us. “Az, they’re coming backstop,” I whisper. He hums in response, still attacking the skin on my neck, letting go of my hair to bring his hand around my throat. The footsteps creep closer. My hands fly to his wrist or the hand on my neck, tugging at it in a warning. 

Just because they knew what we did behind closed doors, does not mean I want them witnessing it whatsoever. 

In response, he tightened his hand just a little and moved my hips once again. But just when the footsteps sounded like they were right next to us, he let go completely and lifted me off his lap. Scooting to the side, he sets me on the couch and places my legs along with his lap. He rubs my calves just as Cassian and Mor walk back with three extra bottles of wine. 

“See,” Cassian laughs. “I told you they wouldn’t be doing anything in our living room. We weren’t gone long enough anyway.”

I laugh uncomfortably, shifting my hair to hide the mark I knew was for sure forming. Morrigan eyed me and lifted an eyebrow, smiling and I blushed. Looking over at Azriel, I shot him a glare and he chuckled beneath his breath, shifting in his seat. 

When I tried to take my feet off his lap, his hand grabbed onto my ankles and held them tightly, shooting a glare my way causing me to laugh. Cassian and Mor looked at me confused but I turned my laugh into a cough. “Pass me some wine Cassian,” I say. 

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he laughs and opens the first bottle.

***

“I hate you!” I bark at Azriel. His hands engulf both of mine and trap them above my head. “I don’t care, Mira, you need to keep your guard up at all times. That includes these useless water breaks.”

I roll my eyes.

It’s been a week since I dyed my hair and right now it was midafternoon...well almost evening, the sun should be going down soon… and Azriel and I were training. 

Cassian and Elijah were a little ways away sparring. Turns out, Elijah liked to spar and since I took Azriel, Cassian needed a new one. They clashed their swords against each other and Elijah was honestly really good. He kept Cassian on his toes and Cassian was actually trying. Turns out, Elijah’s father was a soldier and taught him a few things before he passed.

Anyways, Azriel was helping me on my punches before HE called a water break. So what did I do? Go get water.   
But before I could accept any water into my mouth, his leg came underneath me, forcing my legs off the ground. My back and head slammed against the ground and the water spilled all over me. Azriel quickly trapped me under his body. Hence, our position now and me yelling into his face that I hated him. 

“Well then,” I shout. “Don’t call for useless water breaks. Now I have ice cold water on all my body, making me wet and my head hurts!”

All he does is smirk and lean in. “I have another way of making you wet that you might appreciate a little bit more.” He kisses my jaw as I roll my eyes. “Right now, the only thing that would make me appreciate being wet is your body thrown in the Sidra River.”

He pulls back and raises a brow. I tug on my arms but he doesn’t budge. “Azriel, I’m not in the mood. Let me go,” I tug again. He scrunches his brows together and lets my hands go, standing up and lending a hand to help me up but I deny it. 

His facial expression goes cold and I simply push past him, making it look like I was angry. Turning my head slightly, I saw he wasn’t looking and grabbed the glass of ice-cold water -bigger than mine was by far- dumping it all over his back and wings. 

“Mira!” he shouted, kneeling a little as I took off running towards the two men’s clashing swords. 

Right before the moment their swords were going to crash down on each other, I slid my body on the ground and held up my hand, stopping the swords from hitting the ground. “Amira!” Elijah yelled and retracted his sword. 

“I haven’t done that in so long,” I laughed and Cassian looked at me with concern in his eyes. I just smiled at him. “What can I say? I live a rebel life.”

Cassian chuckles and shakes his head, “Why are you...wet?” I tilted my head back on the ground and Cassian glanced over at a slightly irritated wet Azriel. He walks towards us while Elijah helps me off the ground. “Mira,” he says slowly. 

“You started this,” I laughed, hiding slightly behind Cassian. Azriel stops a little way before the two and his hands lay in fists by his side. Without thinking, I run from behind Cassian to the door on my right leading back to the house. 

I opened it quickly, I knew Azriel wasn’t running behind me, more of a fast pace walk. I wasn’t running terribly fast either. I laughed running back down the stairs and towards the hallway. 

***STOP! Sexual content ahead, okay carry on***

Right as I was about to open my door, a hand wrapped around my waist and spun me. Azriel pressed me against the wall, his hand coming up to wrap around my neck. My laughter quickly turned into a soft giggle. I felt the tension rise between us. 

“Hi,” I whisper. “You got my armor wet,” he states, looking down at his siphon. I shrug, “You started this.”

He leans in closer, our lips barely touching each other. “And I intend to finish it. Bedroom. Stripped. Now.” I smiled as he let my neck go from his grasp, motioning his head towards my room door. 

I walk into the room, peeking behind me to see Azriel following me, and closing the door as he leans against it. He lifts an eyebrow, motioning me to hurry up, his wings tucked in tight. 

Biting my lip, I bring my hands to the ends of my drenched training tight black long sleeve and pull it over my body. I was going to unhook the clasp of my ordinary black bra. I wasn’t expecting us to take this turn but here we are. 

“Leave it,” He commanded before I had a chance. I rolled my eyes and went down to take off my black pants, now skin tight on my skin. Stepping out of them, I stood with my head looking at the ground, shifting uncomfortably as Az stayed leaning against the door. My hands crossed on my chest. 

I heard his footsteps coming closer and his hands grab my arm, uncrossing them and placing them by my side. Then grabbing my waist and pulling me closer to his body. I felt the drenched armor press against my skin. The cold of his siphon pressed against my sternum. Looking up at him, I saw his smile. 

“Don’t ever cover up in front of me,” he says. I smile and roll my eyes causing his hand to grab my chin and neck forcing my eyes back on him. “Roll your eyes at me again Mira and there will be consequences.” 

Saying nothing, I grab the back of his neck and bring his lips down to meet mine. It wasn’t new for Azriel to be like this. We’ve explored each other in ways I’ve never explored with anyone. There were days we were both dominant and some days he was at his most dominant stance like right now. 

Our first couple of times after Starfall, it started very innocent, very vanilla-like. Until one day I saw Azriel’s frustration build up inside for a week straight. He lashed out at everyone or kept quiet, no in-between. Sparring with Cassian wasn’t helping and he refused to spar with me so I helped in another way I could. 

I told him to use my body to release every ounce of frustration in my body. At first, he called me crazy and thought I was just being funny but after seeing the look on my face and hearing the words come out of my mouth multiple times. He knew I was being completely serious. 

He was against it, not wanting to hurt me. But after pestering him and telling him it was okay and I knew that he would stop if I said so, he agreed. 

I wasn’t able to train for a week after that night but no one said a word of my slight limping or hisses when I would sit. Cassian even went as far as mouthing a thank you once Azriel started being normal again. 

But Azriel felt terrible. He hated to admit it helped him. Only because of the bruising he had left on my skin where my waist and hips were. And the marks he had left all over my body. I saw another side of him that night that I haven’t seen since. 

He promised he would get that rough again and even if he went back to that mentality. That I should never offer up my body that way again. But I knew I would in a heartbeat. My body, my choice. And I wouldn’t say I didn’t necessarily hate it either. 

Grabbing my waist, he begins to move back towards my bed. He hoists my legs up with his hands and places me on the center of the bed, keeping his lips on mine. 

His hands go to my side to help slide me up while his lips stay connected to mine until my head reaches the pillow. The moment my head touches the soft surface, his lips leave mine going down to my throat, to my collarbone, and up to my neck. 

He leaves wet kisses up and down the side of my neck moving up towards my ears. My body clenches. “No cumming until I tell you to baby,” he whispers in my ear, his right hand moving down my body, slipping under the band. His fingers teased me and my breath stopped, letting out a moan. 

He leaves my neck and sits up, his fingers still toying with me. My eyes flutter shut as I arch my back slightly. “Keep your eyes open,” he says. I open my eyes slowly, feeling my legs being propped up and Az settling between them, his head low. 

He places soft kisses on my inner thighs before they become more intense. I could feel him sucking the skin harshly and I moan his name. His fingers come up to the waistband of my black material, Looping his index inside them. I feel two of his fingers tap on the side of my hips. I lift my hips for him and he slides it off my legs, all while continuing his assault. 

“Azriel,” I manage to say. He stops and looks up to my eyes, “Yes baby?” 

“Please,” is all I could say. He smirks, “Here?” His hand slides across my center. “Remember what I said.”

And then I felt his lips. I gasped and arched my back, his hands coming on my hips forcing my body back down. His tongue laps around my clit, sucking at the skin. My hands reach down to grab his hair and I tug, causing a groan to escape from his mouth. I felt his groan vibrate my body and I arched my back once more. My breathing began to become heavier and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling. 

I jolted my eyes awake when I felt his hand lightly tapped on my center. “I told you to keep your eyes open. Obey and maybe I’ll let you cum.”

Without warning, I felt two fingers being inserted, thrusting in me without hesitation. My head threw back in pleasure. I felt the pressure quickly building up, I wasn’t going to last.

My hips move off the bed towards him, needing him somehow to go faster. And he obeyed making me call out his name and tug on his hair. He removes his fingers, guiding them down my leg. I felt slight wetness from his right fingers but dismissed it quickly. He grabbed my ankles and hiked them above his shoulders, giving him a new angle. 

His hands wrap around my upper thighs, bringing me closer to his body. 

“I’m close,” I breathe. “Not yet,” he groans and continues to lap his tongue around me, his fingers coming back to my clit, his thumb moving aggressively in circles. I moan his name causing him to suck harsher. 

“Please, please, please,” I beg. My hands reach over to my sheets, fisting them and tugging on them as my head rolls back on the mattress. My body began to shake, squirming under his touch. His hands tightened on my hips. “Let go, baby,” his raspy voice mutters against me. 

I let out one more moan, louder than the rest, and arch my back. Letting euphoria released into my body. I tug on the bed sheets one last time, falling back on the bed. My breath hitches as I look up to the ceiling, waiting for my body to calm down from my high. 

I hiss as his fingers leave my body and he stands but my focus was on the ceiling. My eyes flutter closed. Moments later, I feel a warm towel on my sensitive center and I bite my lip. We didn’t say a word to each other until I felt two of his fingers tap on my cheek. Opening my eyes slowly, I see Azriel looking down on me, smiling. 

“Appreciate being wet now?” he chuckles lightly. I smile at him, releasing the sheets from my grasp and bringing it up to his jaw. “Maybe a little, do you need something too?” 

He shakes his head. “No, get cleaned up and meet me in the dining room.” I lift an eyebrow. “You’re not joining me?”

He laughs and brings his lips to mine once before saying, “I have to take care of something.” He stands up straight and I laugh as I see him shifting uncomfortably in his wet armor. He walks over to the door. “Be ready by eight,” he says looking back. “If I’m not?” I question, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Then I’ll do punishment round two and this time, I’ll make you go all night without letting you release.” 

And with that, he walks out the door. I contemplated not getting ready for a split second. 

But then I decided it probably wasn’t a good idea.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you guys like this chapter, it's kind of just a filler chapter, to be honest. But umm, things will start picking up very soon. XXX


	16. Chapter 16

**Azriel's POV**

_"Azriel!" I jolt awake, looking around my room. Feeling the bed, I see that Mira isn't laying by my side. "Mira!" I yell._

_"Azriel!" I heard a yell back but it was a male's voice. Without thinking, I jumped out of bed and ran out of the room. I was led to a dark hallway, not the mahogany red walls of the House of Wind. What in the cauldron?_

_"Cassian!" I shout and hear nothing. "Morrigan!" Nothing._

_I walk forward, feeling the walls of the mountain. I was in a mountain, I felt the irregular gravel under my hands. The smell of the dust and ground heavy in my nostrils._ _  
_ _"Azriel!" I heard again, coming from my right. I turn my head and begin running that way. I couldn't feel the shadows on my body. Couldn't feel the coldness nor hear the whispers. And I don't remember wishing them away._

_When Mira found out I could wish away my shadows, she was amazed. I remember the look on her face when I showed up at her door one morning, no shadows insight. She thought I was sick, asked if I needed soup or to call Madja. And when I told her, the shock on her face was astonishing._

_I don't think she liked it though as much as she said she didn't prefer one or the other. Something within my shadows calmed her. And so, I normally keep them at all times, even when we sleep._

_I finally found a door and grabbed the handle, it opened in seconds. And all I saw was Mor, tied to a chair and sobbing. I ran quickly, trying to undo the knots in her hands._

_"Well, well, well," I heard a voice from behind and quickly turned around. "If it isn't the spymaster." I recognized her red hair and her white skin with her black eyes._

_"Amarantha."_

_She laughs and walks to a throne that I didn't see. Suddenly, looking around, I saw multiple faes standing along the mountain._

_Turning around completely, I saw Cassian now sitting next to Mor and Amren next to him. Amira is nowhere in sight. "Where is she?" I ask and turn around. She smiles and shrugs. "Isn't there someone else you should be asking about right now?"_

_I lose my patience, going to grab my truth-teller but feel nothing. Looking down, I see I'm not in any armor. Only a shirt and sweats. I'm not prepared. In all my life, I've not been prepared._

_She lets out a cackle, throwing her head back. "How is the spymaster of the Night not ready for battle? She really tore down your guard, didn't she? Your lover?"_

_"Where is she!" I shout and march up to her throne, wrapping my hands around her throat. She just smiles, "The wrong question. You have one more chance or something you won't like will happen."_

_I cock my head to the side. The anger inside my body slowly rises, my mind clouded by memories of Mira and her features. Every feature of her body. Her face with her cheekbones and brown eyes. Her body's figure. Her sapphire blue hair she had kept for the past five years solely because I told her I loved it._

_"I'll ask one more time before I splatter your blood all over these mountain walls," I warn, moving closer so my breath hits her face. "Where is Amira?"_

_She looks behind me and then looks back into my eyes. "Shouldn't you be asking about your High Lord first, Azriel? Or have you forgotten about your brother?"_

_I let go of her neck and walked back a little way. Rhysand. She's had Rhysand for the past 30 years and my immediate thought went to Mira who I saw last night. I asked about a woman who I knew the moment this was over, she would leave me for good. But I didn't ask about the man who has been by my side for centuries before and centuries ahead._

_"Az," I hear a quiet voice behind me. Her voice. I turned around slowly to find Mira and Rhys kneeling in front of me. Her face was bruised, her clothes ripped so I could see her undergarments, and her body matched her face. She had been tortured._

_Rhysand was in a similar state. But his face was facing the floor._

_Two faes stood behind them, a dagger settling along their neck._

_I felt Amarantha's hand on my shoulder. "What a sad day. You weren't on alert. You weren't prepared. So, I found out about Velaris. I found your family and now I have both your lover and your brother kneeling before us."_

_She turns to face me and continues, "So, let's have a little fun. You get to pick who lives because you were so reckless. Amira or Rhysand?"_

_I shake my head. "No," I state. The dagger presses onto their throat, blood now seeping. Mira whimpers and tilts her head up. Rhys doesn't move. Amarantha laughs, "You have to. And here's the best part." She hands me, my truth-teller. "You get to be the one who kills the person you choose."_

_She pushes me forward after placing my dagger in my hand. The guard faes back away._

_"Azriel," I hear Mira whisper and look at her. "Come here." My feet move towards her and I kneel. "Baby," I whisper, grabbing her face with both my hands and pulling her head up to look at me, pushing her hair back._

_"Kill me," she says with tears in her eyes. A shocked expression takes over. "Kill me," she repeats. "If it's between me and Rhys, kill me. This is all my fault. I'm the one who distracted you. I'm the-"_

_"No," I interrupt her. "I was the one who told you we could pursue this and I wouldn't lose focus." I look at Rhys who hasn't said a word._

_"Cut my hands loose."_

_I raise an eyebrow as I grab her wrists behind her and cut the ropes loose. The moment I do, she wraps her arms around my neck. I freeze, feeling her semi-naked body on mine. I wrap my arms around her slowly, careful not to touch her wounds._

_It felt like minutes holding her in my arms but it was only mere seconds as she pulled away. And before I could register what was going on, she grabbed my truth-teller and stabbed herself._

_Her body fell limp in my arms as she bled out. I think I heard a scream, maybe it was mine or maybe it was others._

_"Azriel," I heard someone say and I looked up to see Rhysand, his outfit changed. He looked like a normal High Lord. "Wake up."_

_***_

"Azriel! Baby, wake up," I hear someone say. Opening my eyes, I jolted up, struggling to breathe, and closed my eyes. I felt a weight in my lap like someone was straddling me and their arms wrap around my neck.

"You're okay," I hear her whisper. Mira. "Mira," I croak out, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close, sticking my face in her neck. I took in her scent. Vanilla with a hint of lavender.   
For the past couple of months, the nightmares have been getting worse.

These past five years have been peaceful. Too peaceful. And right when I felt like it was too peaceful, the nightmares appeared. Either it ended with someone dying or someone screaming.

I haven't been patrolling as usual. It's been a year since my in-depth search of anything different. A year since I hung up my armor for good. I just lost hope then and I thought Mira and I could truly be together. But it seems as though my mind thought differently. It thought I was betraying Rhysand.

But this nightmare. This was the worst one yet. And I knew what I needed to do.

But I know that I may regret this forever because if I'm wrong if we never were able to free Rhys or Prythian, I may lose Amira forever.

"Are you okay?" I hear her whisper. I nod against her neck and she pulls away, dragging her hand across my damp hair. And the nightmare comes back.

Her face being bruised. Her body matching. The blood seeping through her abdomen.

"Take off your shirt," I mutter. She looks at me with her eyes furrowed but doesn't question it, lifting my shirt off her body. I sigh and lean back on the headboard seeing her skin bare. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"How bad was it this time?" she asks. My hands find her waist, dragging my hands up and down as I open my eyes to see her concerned ones.

She was wearing nothing under my shirt but midnight blue undergarmets and no bra. Her sapphire hair covered her breasts since it's now so long it reaches down her back. I remember when she asked me the last time she dyed it whether she should cut it or not and when I told her I liked it long, she kept it the same length.

My thumb rubbed against her abdomen where the wound was. "You stabbed yourself with my Truth Teller when Amarantha tried to make me choose between you and Rhysand. When I couldn't, you chose for me."

She kept quiet, knowing I didn't like to talk a lot after this. She would ask me how bad it was, I would tell, then I would just hold her. I grabbed my shirt and helped her put it back on, knowing it was freezing because of the fall weather.

"Come with me," she says, stepping out of bed. Different than what we usually do but I obeyed. I grabbed my coat and draped it around her body. My body was too heated, maybe the cold weather would be good for me.

She grabs my hand and pulls us out of my bedroom. We walked slowly, down the hallway, knowing it was very late at night and everyone was still asleep. She walked us through the living room, to the dining room, and opened the balcony door. The cold weather coursing through my body. While I welcomed it, Mira tightened the coat.

She stood, facing the city as I wrapped my arms around her from behind. My wings came down to wrap around her lower body to trap the body heat and I wished away the shadows, not wanting the coldness of them to make her even colder.

We stood in silence, watching the night sky and the city. I breathed deeply multiple times, closing my eyes and pressing my lips against the back of her head.

She turned around and wrapped her arms around me, her head pressed against my chest. "Thank you," I whisper. She looked up at me and placed her cold hand on my cheek. "Anytime," she says, pulling my head down to place her lips on mine.

I savor it as it may be my last.

***

"You're really going to do it?" I hear Mor ask from behind me. I sigh deeply and turn around, setting the box on my dresser. "Mor... I-"

"No Azriel." She steps closer. "Look, I understand what you feel. I understand the nightmares are hitting too close to home. But this." She points to the box. "This isn't the way to go. You deserve to be happy Az. We all do. And you got it. And now you're going to throw it all away? Over what? Nightmares that aren't true!"

"You remember what Mira said. She escaped the Dawn Court to find herself. How are we helping that? We keep her locked up in this house? The only way to roam free is if Cassian and I are available to take her? How are we any better that-"

"Don't turn this around on her!" Mor yells. "She never asked for this. She never once said she was tired of living in the house! Why don't you ask what she wants?"

My door slams open. "Would you two keep quiet!" Cassian sneers, closing my door. "I can hear you from all across the house. And if I could hear you, so could she."

"Good!" Mor continues to yell. "Maybe then she could come in here and speak for herself." Cassian shakes his head. "Mor, I don't agree with Azriel either but he has good points."

She scoffs, "You two are unbelievable." She steps closer to me and pokes my chest. "Just remember, if this goes back on you, you're at fault. I lost my cousin and I don't know when I'll get him back. I'm not letting you make me lose my sister now too."

I felt a jab of pain and guilt as she walked away. Slamming my hands on the dresser, I looked down at my feelings, my armor clanking. "Are you mad at me too?" I ask Cassian, locking my gaze on him. He shakes his head and crosses his arm. "Disappointed but I understand why you're doing it. And I understand Amira's side once she finds out. Just do it after we finish Solstice. Give Mor one more night with her before Amira gets mad at all of us." He claps my shoulder and walks out.

My gaze returns to the floor.

"Hey Mira," I heard him say. "Hi," she greets back.

I hear her heels clanking on my floors and her hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" she asks. "I heard some yelling and Mor seemed upset."

I let out a breath and stood, turning to face her. Her blue hair straightened and smokey blue-silverish makeup making her skin glow. Her body was still in a robe.

"I'm okay," I shrug and grab both her hands in mine. "You're in your armor," she points out. "Az, are you sure you're okay?"

I tug her body closer and cup her face in my hands, planting a kiss on her head as she grabs my forearms. "I'm okay. I promise. Just felt the need to wear it today."

She turned her head slightly to the side towards the box and smiled. "Is that my gift?" she asks, looking back. I nod, my smile weak but I'm hoping she doesn't see through with it.

"I hope you'll like it," I say, truthfully. She rolls her eyes. "As cheesy as this may sound. Since it's from you, I know I'll love it." She kisses me once more.

I hated this kiss. Not from the feeling of her lips on mine. But because I know she would hate my gift. She would hate me. Knowing that by the end of the night, she would be gone, every kiss was filled with guilt. But I needed her body close to mine. Just for tonight. Until tonight.

She pulled away and kissed my cheek before saying she needed to get ready, leaving me all alone in my room. I let out a breath and plopped down on my bed. My shadows began to whisper words I couldn't decipher. "Leave me be," I tell them and they disappear.

I shake my head and stand, grabbing the box and walking towards the living room.

***

"Happy Solstice everyone!" Elijah cheers, raising his wine glass. "To another day of getting drunk," Cassian glees and winks at Mira.

She was sitting on the sofa next to me. The side of her body facing the sofa while her arm wrapped around my back under my wings. Her legs are crossed against my lap as she lays her head on my shoulder. One of my arms wrapped around her waist and the other holding a wine glass mirroring her free hand.

She rolls her eyes and laughs, tilting her glass towards Cassian and chugs the red wine. I follow her lead.

Her dress glistened in the lights she had put up with Mor. The white lights illuminating the blue dress. It was simple with a silver belt along her waist and around her neckline. No slits, no skin except for her arms. Simple yet elegant. Her earrings dangled with silver. The only other accessories were her necklace and the bracelet she wore every day. And even one other one I had gotten her for her birthday. I figured she needed a ring to complete the set so I had one made. A simple silver ring that turned to a horizontal crescent moon in the middle. Beadings were placed on the band while the moon itself was home to several sparkling small crystals.

I brought my hand up from her waist under her hair, massaging the back of her head slightly causing her to look up at me. When she does, I lean down and press my lips on hers. I could still taste the red wine on her lips. The sweet berry taste of it on her tongue.

"Okay, you two," I hear someone cough in front of us. I let go, my hand falling to the back of the sofa. I see Mor standing in front of us, shooting me a glare so subtle, I don't think Mira saw it.

She hands Mira a bag with yellow wrapping paper spilling out on top. And hands me a smaller one. I grab it after setting down my wine glass on the table in front of me. I open it slowly as Mor returns to her seat.

"Mor!" I hear Mira whines her name. "This is beautiful, thank you." I looked up to see Mor had gotten her a notebook, the cover a shade of sky blue and white stars and a calligraphy pen already filled with ink.

I turn back to open mine, a box with new boxing gloves to protect my wrist. I gave her my thanks but she ignored me.

Cassian looked at me and shrugged, walking after Mor and following her into the kitchen.

"Something is going on," Mira says, shooting my attention to her. She raises her head to look at me and her hand runs through my hair, playing with it. "What are you-"

"I'm not dumb Az," she lifts a brow. "You and Mor got into a fight of some sort. I can tell with the daggers she's been shooting at you since we sat here. It's as if she's so close to attacking you. Do you want to talk about it?"

I look around to see Mor and Cassian still in the kitchen and Elijah trading gifts with Amren. No one was paying attention to us on the sofa. But I couldn't ruin the night, not yet.

I shake my head. "No." I take a strand of hair and play with it. "But I need to take you somewhere when this is all over."

Her face lit up and I hated it. It shouldn't be lighting up. She wouldn't be smiling if she knew what I had planned for her. "Does it have anything to do with my Solstice gift from you?"

_A gift but maybe one you'll hate._

"Yes," I simply say.

***

The night went by fairly quickly for everyone else but torturous for me. Every second that passed, I've been rethinking everything.

Was what I was about to do the best course of action? Probably not. But did I need to do it? Something inside me said yes. I'm too distracted. Too distracted by the peacefulness that I wouldn't be prepared for anything if anything were to happen.

Cassian had taken Elijah home and Amren decided to stay. The girls were in the kitchen grabbing some dessert while Cassian and I cleaned up the wrapping papers off the ground.

"Azriel," Cassian whispers. I walk over to him. "It's getting late. Do it now or don't do it at all before Mor breaks down. She's getting restless."

I let out a sigh and nod, making my way to where they were. I heard the laughter radiating off the walls. Even Amren liked Amira. Amren. She would for sure hurt me after this.

I leaned against the doorway, watching them lean over a batch of cookies and placing them in their mouths. They had all changed into sweats and a sweater. Mira's hair now in a bun but all her jewelry intact.

"Mira," I said, grabbing her attention. She looked up at me and smiled. I motioned my head for her to come over. The moment she straightened, Mor's hand clasped against her wrist and Mira turned back to look at her with a strange expression.

_Morrigan_

Mor hugged her in for a hug but let go quickly. I had to look away from the embrace to avoid Mor's gaze. pulled Mira in for a hug, glaring at me. "Happy Solstice, Amira," she says softly. Mira giggles, "Happy Solstice to you too Mor." I could see Mor's hands tighten around her before she lets go.

Mira waves goodbye to Amren before walking over to me, taking my hand as I walk us out. I bring her to the balcony of the dining room and stop just before the edge. She turns to face me. "You know, if it's another sort of jewelry, all I'm missing is a pair of earrings to complete the set."

I smile and shake my head, grabbing the scarf that was hanging on my truth-teller and holding it out for her. "Do you trust me?" I ask.

She nods and turns around for me to tie it around her eyes.

***

I landed softly keeping my hands around her waist to steady Amira. She didn't realize we were going to fly until right before I left and it scared her for the first time because she couldn't see.

"Are you okay?" I ask as her head lays on my chest after a few moments. She takes a moment before nodding. "Can I take this off now?"

My hands let go of her waist to untie the scarf, taking it off her eyes as she straightens her body. I place the scarf in between my truth-teller and belt, letting it stay there, and grab the black box I brought with me.

She opens her eyes slowly. We were alone in the middle of the street. Everyone probably indoors or at a party of some sort. She looks up at me, arms crossed. I should've brought her a coat, it's probably freezing for her right now.

I take a deep breath and look down at the box. "Az, would you please open the box so we can go home. It's cold," she laughs. I chuckle and shake my head, obeying her and handing her the box without the lid. She smiles and grabs it from my hands.

I hear her gasp and take the silver object out. "A key?" she questions, looking up at me. I grab her shoulders and turn her around to her new home. "Welcome home," I whisper and press a kiss on the side of her head.

She looks back at me with wide eyes before bolting. She opens the small gate and goes to the door, opening that as well. Before she walks in, she turns back and motions me to come over.

I close the door behind me, walking into the house I saw earlier this morning. It's been waiting for my approval for weeks and after today's nightmare, I decided to go through with it.

Though she fell back asleep, I never did. I made decisions. And once I made them, all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms until I had to let her go. I memorized every feature. The crease in her forehead appears every couple of seconds while she sleeps. Her breathing patterns. The way her hands felt on my skin. How she looked in my clothes.

I just wish I didn't memorize them for anything.

The house wasn't small nor was it big. It was a two-story. Walking inside you'll find a living room and if you continue straight you'll find another living room on the left and the kitchen on its right that has a dining room attached to it. Also when you first walk in, on the right-hand side, some stairs lead up to the bedrooms. The halls spread from both left to right. The master bedroom at the far right. She even had two extra rooms on the left side of the hall. A washroom stood in the middle while she had her separate in her masters.

The walls were a cream color and the floors were ceramic. There was no furniture yet or anything. The house was bare except for a bed in her bedroom.

Cassian said he would help her move her things inside and Mor too if she would allow them.

I clear my throat. "Do you like it?" She turns around and smiles, walking up to me. "I love it. But it's going to be weird without any of you. I don't know if I'm going to love that part."

I tear my gaze away from hers. She wraps her arms around my neck. "Hey," she says, using the nape of my neck to bring my attention back on hers. "Don't worry. You can stay here with me and sometimes I can stay at the house."

_It's now or never Azriel._

"Mira," I exhale, grabbing her arms and unleashing them from my neck. "I think it's time for us to focus on getting our families back." She furrows her brows.

"That's what we've been doing for the past 30 years Az."

"I know," I groan, stepping away. "But-"

She scoffs. "You're unbelievable." I shot my gaze to her. She holds up the key. "You're kicking me out, that's what this is. That's why Mor and Cassian and everyone has been walking around eggshells around me today? Am I really that much of a burden to you?"

"No," I shout back. "No, don't you ever call yourself that. That's not what this is. This is... Mira, I can't focus around you. I can't do my job with you. I can't... Every Time I have a nightmare, it always leads up to me never being ready. And I'm never ready anymore. I'm constantly thinking about you when I should be thinking about Rhysand. My High Lord, my brother. And a way to get you back to your family."

"Have you ever thought I don't want to go back?" she yells. "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I accepted the fact that I'll never be going back home and I'm okay with it because this is my home now. You, Cassian, Mor, Elijah, and even Amren, for The Cauldron's sake. If this is about Rhysand, I can help-"

"I don't want your help, Amira" I shout, louder than before. Her voice stops. Tears brim in her eyes and she steps back slightly. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes.

"So you're just going to throw everything away?" her voice cracks.

I open my eyes and sigh. "Mira, we knew we weren't going to last anyway. And this way you could explore yourself like you -"

"Don't," she held out her hand. "Don't turn this around to make it seem like I want this. We don't know if we're gonna last. We said until I had to go home but now you are throwing everything away on a couple of nightmares? I get nightmares too Azriel! We all do! That doesn't mean anything is going to change because you feel guilty for being happy while all of Prythian suffers. Do you think I like this? You think I like pretending everything is okay while my family is out there and I don't even know if they're breathing. But here I am, celebrating traditions, sleeping in your bed, and smiling.

You were the person who wanted me to come out of my depressing state and now you're running towards it? You think I still don't have nightmares or have days where I just want to lock myself in my room and cry. Where I don't wish I was the one under Amarantha's rule rather than my cousin or my aunt or anyone from my court?"

"Mira, it's different," I say calmly.

She laughs. "How? Because you're the High Lord's Spymaster. The same High Lord who you consider a brother more than a Lord? Please, Azriel. Rhysand wouldn't be upset with you for living. He would be upset if he found out you threw away your life for him. A life you don't know is still alive."

"Don't say that," I snare, walking closer to her. "Why?" she asks, throwing her hands up in the air. "We don't know if anyone is still alive! They could all be dead. It's been 30 years!"

We stay silent, staring at each other before she speaks again, her voice barely a whisper. "Did Cassian and Mor know about this?" I nod slowly, "Yes but they aren't accepting of it. I just need space, Mira. The closer you are to me, the more my mind doesn't belong to getting Rhys back. And this way, you can explore Velaris without needing Cassian and me. This will be good for both of us."

My eyes move off of hers and lock onto the wall behind her.

"Is losing me really going to help get Rhysand back?" her voice cracks and it felt like my nightmare all over again but this time I was the one holding the dagger. I say nothing and stare at the wall. "What if he never does?"

My eyes go back to hers. A tear slid down her cheek. "If he never does come back and I can never go home, you're okay with losing me forever?"

My hand went up to her cheek, grabbing another tear before it fell on the floor but she shoved my hand away. "Get out," she says coldly.

"Mira," I plead. I couldn't leave her like this but I knew this was going to happen. "You don't get to call me that anymore," she looks into my eyes. "Now get out." She turns to walk away but I grab her wrist.

She pulls her arm away as if my touching disgusted her. Her hands slam against my chest. My shadows fluster and my siphons begin to glow but I dismissed them both. She continues to push my chest till my hands grab her wrists and she looks up to me. Her brown eyes were clouded by water. I could barely see them anymore.

"I trusted you," she sobs. "I trusted you with everything in me and out. I showed you parts of me, I've never been able to show anyone. I told you I didn't want this. And you pushed. I believed you. I believed you when you said you wouldn't break my heart. Well congratulations, you didn't break it. You took it. I would rather have you for little time than none at all, that's what you said, right? I guess 15 years was enough for you. But you and I both know it was longer. Just leave Azriel, you got your time and you got my heart. Now just take them both and go."

"I'm not leaving you like this," I say truthfully. She scoffs. "If you truly cared for me, you would leave. Please."

  
I let go of her arms and slowly walked towards the door. I did this. This was my fault. And no one else's. Grabbing the handle, I suck in a deep breath. I needed to ask one more thing but not for me.

"Mor's worried that you'll hate her as you hate me right now. Just know she was against this. She and Cassian were. Amren knew nothing. If you want to hate anyone, hate me. But don't punish them. Mor doesn't want to lose you."

I didn't hear any response but the quiet sobs she tried hard to muffle. Without looking back, I open the door and leave.

My last chance of happiness going away with the slam of the door. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! I'm sorry for not posting last week, it was finals week but I'm finally done! And now I have a five week break so that means more writing time. I'm going to try to write a lot so I can get back to uploading two chapters at a time but here's chapter 16. Umm, I'm sorry about this. Really sorry but it's...important to the plot.
> 
> I also want to start adding song recommendations for the chapters and I couldn't find one for this one so if you know one, please let me know! I'll add it for future readers, same goes for the previous chapters.
> 
> Anyways, let me know how you guys like it. And don't forget to vote and comment.
> 
> xxx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the Chapter   
> OK- Mabel (stripped version)   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyROFW0kaAo

***5 years Later***

“Maliha?” I heard my door open and slam shut, the sound of Elijah calling out my name echoing through the halls. “Maliha? Are you in here?” 

I stay quiet on my couch, the blanket rising to my chin. 

5 years. It’s been 5 years since Azriel left me here and walked out the door. 5 years since my heart was ripped out of my body. It shouldn’t have affected me this much but it did. Something about him throwing me away without a valid explanation rather than me going back to the Dawn Court made it hurt a million times more. 

Because since we don’t know if our families are still alive, it means we don’t know if we’ll ever be able to return to normal. And if our lives never did, then Azriel and I could’ve stayed together but he wanted to take the chance. 

I wanted to say he lost me forever. That since he chose his nightmares and a possible if, over me, he truly lost me. But I couldn’t. He had me. At least for now. 

I guess that’s what happens when you spend thirty years with someone trapped within a mountain, a city, and spend every moment in each other's presence. Or surrounded by it. Thirty years felt like a lifetime. 

The night he left, I fell to the floor and cried until darkness took over my body. Elijah found me the next morning in the middle of the floor and swore I was still shedding tears in my sleep. When I woke, I was like a statue. I didn’t say a word nor did I move. I didn’t eat.

A week later, my house had gotten its furniture. Even everything from my bedroom in the House of Wind. That day I stayed in Elijah’s shop while everything was being brought over. 

It took me months to begin talking again normally. To start saying complete sentences. But it was hard not to choke up every time I opened my mouth. 

Elijah stayed with me most nights, either sleeping on my sofa or the floor near my bed. Mostly because of my nightmares. They were back and worse. 

And on my birthday, the pain was too much to bear. I wondered why it hasn’t killed me yet. The thing my mother was talking about or the darkness I saw. Now, I would just feel extreme pain. Like a week's worth of cycles all in one day. Maybe it didn’t want to kill me just yet, it just wanted me to wish I was dead.

Mor visited me during my birthday for the first time. I knew I couldn’t be mad at her but I couldn’t look at her. Every time I did, I thought of _him._ But Cassian was worse. They both visited me on my birthday. And I let them. Mor visited me often while Cassian did a lot but not as much as Mor. 

I never left the house either. Unless to go to Elijah’s shop. Elijah became so worried about me that he had taken over one of my extra rooms so he had a room here too. 

Azriel leaving me wasn’t even the only worst thing to have happened. Two years after he walked out the door, Moon began getting sick and old. He could barely walk. He kept sleeping and laying down. That year was the only year I actually left my house. And it was only to see Moon and to lay by his side. I refused to leave him by himself. Amanda and Maximus, Moon’s caregivers, let me stay and visit him whenever. He was one of my last connections to home. To my mom. And I lost him a few months later. I knew a horse doesn’t live as long as a fae. Not even a quarter of our lives but it happening felt like another piece of me was gone. 

I don’t know if I have another piece left. I lost hope. Lost everything. And for what? Because I felt like something was missing? Well, I can tell you one thing.

Not only is that part still missing but everything else is broken. 

“There you are,” Elijah sighs, peering through the corner of the hallway. He walks towards me slowly, kneeling in front of my sofa, and running his hands through my hair. “Maliha, you need to get up.”

I shake my head in response, tightening the blanket. Everything about me was a mess. My hair has gotten back to it’s brown, my skin has turned paler, my body’s been weaker, and overall? I just look like death. 

I wonder if Azriel looks the same. Or if he’s unaffected and has moved on. 

**Cassian’s POV**

“Has she left her room?” I ask Elijah as he walks around his story, cleaning. He places his hands on his hips and turns to look at me. “Yup, but now she’s migrated to the sofa. And before you ask, she hasn’t left it in a week,” he says with a hint of anger in his voice.

He had a right to be angry. We all were angry. Even Azriel was angry at himself. 

Five years. And nothing. No Rhysand, no information from the outside. Nothing. Azriel has been searching every day for the past five years in hopes he didn't do this for anything. But does it really matter now? 

“Do you think Mor can come over?” he asks. “She hasn’t bathed in weeks and she won’t do it herself.” 

I nod. “Yes, I’ll go get her right now and meet you at the house.”

I say my goodbyes quickly and leave. 

At first, she was angry at all of us. The first time Mor tried to visit her, she slammed the door in her face without saying another word. I was there with Mor. The look on Mor’s face was a look I hoped never to feel. It would be the look I would have if I accepted the fact that Rhysand was dead. 

Mor wept in my arms for hours. Days even after that. She finally understood what Rhys, Azriel, and I have. And she only had it for thirty years before it was torn away from her. 

We knew we would lose Amira one day if Amarantha’s reign had ended but I think someone hating you and unwilling to talk to you hurt worse than her leaving out of obligation. Because even then, we could visit her in the Dawn Court and she would talk to us. 

The first time she was okay with the both of us was months after Solstice during November, her birthday to be exact. Elijah sent us a message to come. Knowing what happened on her birthday, Mor ran to the balcony and pushed me to hurry. 

That was the only day Azriel didn’t search. He stayed locked in his room or sat on the sofa and wouldn’t speak. He wouldn’t eat. It was like he was punishing himself for not being there with her. 

He knew more than the rest of us about what happens on this day or why her heart slowed down that one year so long ago. 

I landed on the balcony with more force than I intended, shaking the house. “Morrigan!” I call out. I hear a door open and shut. The footsteps coming towards me. “Is she okay?” she asks, walking into the dining room, her hair in a bun and one of Rhysand’s shirts. 

I shrug, “The same thing just moved to the sofa. Can you go over and bathe her?” She nods and leaves, probably to get dressed. 

I let out a breath and grab the ends of the chairs, looking down at the ground. The house wasn’t the same. It was like when Amira was here, we weren’t able to think too much of what was going on outside the comforts of our home. But now? Without her? It’s all we had time to do. 

I haven’t forgotten about Rhysand in the past thirty-five years. Not once. He’s on my mind every second. But I don’t know what else I can do to help. We weren’t allowed to leave the walls. Even if I did disobey his orders, I would leave my home unprotected. And what if she had spies? Amarantha, that is. They would see me appear out of thin air and then all hell breaks loose. 

All we could do was wait. 

“How is she?” I hear Azriel’s voice, all emotion is gone and only coldness remained. I looked up and straightened my wings. My brother set down his sword and unwrapped his gloves. “What do you think?” I snapped back, without thinking. 

He stopped his motions and looked at me, a slight look of guilt taken over his face but disappeared quickly. “Sorry,” I apologized. “She’s the same. Mor and I are going over there now.” 

He nodded in understanding and began to walk away. “Cassian,” he grabbed my attention once more. “Thank you… for keeping me updated and making sure she stays okay.”

With a click of my tongue, I say, “I don’t think she is okay but she will be.” 

He walks out of the room passing Mor who has changed her clothes to pants and a shirt. 

***

Mor knocked on the door as I stood behind her. We wait a few seconds before it opens. Elijah leaves it open and walks back to the living room down the hall. Mor quick to follow as I close the door.

“She hasn’t spoken to me since I got here. It’s been an hour. I don’t think she’s eaten either. The food I left for her is untouched,” he informs us. 

Amira lays on the sofa with a blanket up to her chest. Mor leaves to start a bath and I make my way to the broken fae and kneel in front of her. 

“Hey Mira,” I whisper, running my hands through her hair. Her eyes moved from the floor to mine and I could see the tears that have yet to fall. “How about a bath? It’ll make you feel better? Then, we could drink as much wine as you want.”

No response. Just a small nod that was barely there. 

You would think five years may be enough for someone to heal but a part of me doesn’t think she’s like this only because of Azriel. But because she now has time to think about her family and what they’re enduring. She’s blaming herself for being happy. Thinking that this is karma out to get her. 

And when Moon died, the last part of her that made Velaris better died with him. She became a zombie. I remember that week like it was yesterday.

She slept by Moon’s side a couple of days straight before his death and for a couple of days later she slept where he laid. Maximus reached out to Azriel who sent me, of course, to remove her. Not because they wanted to get rid of her but because she needed help. Luckily, they checked up on her days later. 

Mor walked in moments later. “Cassian, you can bring her.”

I nod and straighten just a little, still kneeling. “Come on love,” I say quietly, placing my hands under her body and picking her up. She didn’t fight me nor did she say anything. Merely just wrapped her arms around my neck. 

I went up the stairs and turned right, walking towards the last door at the end of the hall. Mor was waiting near her bed and I followed her into the bath. “Set her down on the toilet, I’ll do the rest.”

I carefully put her down and placed a kiss on the top of her head, leaving the two alone. 

Walking down, I saw Elijah sitting at the dining table, a wine bottle in hand. “Want some?” He hands the bottle. I take it from his hands and took a swing, letting the bitter taste go down my throat. 

“What are we going to do Elijah?” I groan sitting down. “She’s going to kill herself at this rate.”

He leans back in his seat. “The cauldron if I know, I live with her and she doesn’t speak to me.” I lift a brow, “So you stay here permanently then?”

He shrugs, “I kinda have to. I still have my place but it’s better to stay here. Watch over her.”

We sat in silence, finishing the bottle of wine. Passing it back and forth and maybe even a second bottle as well. 

This whole thing was taken too far. I knew what I needed to do but first I had to make sure of something. 

“Elijah,” I said, standing from the table. “I have to take care of something but I’ll be back soon.” He nods and salutes the bottle to me as I make my way to the door. 

As soon as I exit the gate, I take to the sky and fly back to the House of Wind. I look down to see the people of Velaris walking around and going into bars and children playing in the streets. 

For a moment, I thought about how lucky they were. Even though Rhysand was their High Lord and they mourned for him, he was only a High Lord to them. To me? He was my brother. An annoying irritating one at that but my brother. And I missed him, every single day. But I needed to keep my head on straight. 

I landed on the balcony and looked around for Azriel. “Az!” I shouted his name. I hear hurried footsteps. “What happened?” he asked, frantically. “Is she okay?”

I nodded. “Yes, sorry for scaring you. Look I need to ask you for a favor. I’m going to go back and bring her back to the house.”

“Are you insane Cassian?” he laughs. I shrug, “Maybe. I should clarify, not in the house but to the training ground and I know normally after your lookout, you-”

“I like to go up there. Yea, I’ll stay inside just in case she actually agrees to come in.” 

I nodded and he began walking away so I did as well. “Hey Cassian,” he says. I turn around slightly. “Thank you.”

“You both deserve to be happy Azriel,” I sigh. “Even if it’s not with each other. You both need to stop beating yourself up.” 

I don’t wait for a response before I make my way back to Amira’s.

***

“You’re back,” Mor smiles as I close the door. I nod, “Where is she?” 

Mor points to the hall, “Kitchen, she’s finally eating.”

I follow Mor into the kitchen, passing Elijah on the sofa, staring at some papers. He mumbles a hello but was really too focused that he waved his hand towards the wall instead of where I was, inches away. 

I smiled at Mira, who was finally putting a fork full of rice into her mouth slowly. I sat down next to her, shifting uncomfortably in the chair, and settled on spreading my wings. One wrapping around the empty chair on my left and one around Amira. 

“Do you want some?” she asks quietly, placing the fork in the air near my lips. I shake my head and she drops it back on the plate, stirring the food. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

She pushes the plate away and I look to see only a quarter of her food is gone. She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. She wore fresh clothes consisting of a turtleneck and lose pants covering every inch of her body. Her dark hair was wet and laid in slight waves behind her back. Her face pale but still darker than Mor’s and I could see the dark circles that laid beneath her eyes. 

I stand and stretch my wings. “Come with me,” I say quietly, stretching my hand out for her. Mor glances at me in panic but quickly relaxes. Amira places her hand in mine without looking at me and stands. I pull her towards the door. 

“Cassian,” she says, tugging on my hand. I turn around and bring her closer. “Do you trust me?” I interrupt as she tries to speak. She glances at the door and back into my eyes, tears slowly appear but nods. 

I opened the door looking at her but there were no more signs of struggle.

***

“You can open your eyes now,” I say quietly into her ear. She opens them slowly and looks around. Quickly she backs away. “What are we doing here?” 

“Amira…”

“No Cassian! Take me home!” she yells and walks towards me, grabbing the fabric at my chest. “Please take me home.”

I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into my chest. “I didn’t bring you here to bring up painful memories. But to help you.” She sniffles and looks up at me. “How the hell are you going to help me by bringing me _here_.”

I laugh and let go of her. “By unleashing all your pain right here,” I laugh and wave my hands in the air showing the field.

She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “There she is!” I yell, pointing at her. “Now, five years. It’s been five years since you have gotten up and trained. I’m sure you can’t get me to stay on the ground for at least...ten seconds.” 

She laughs and my smile brightens a little at the sound of it. “You have too much faith in yourself Cassian but I like it.” 

I turned around and rolled my neck. “Does that mean we spar?” 

Before I had a chance to hear an answer, I felt her leg kick me at my spin causing me to grunt and lose my balance. I placed my hand on the ground to steady myself. 

“Rule number one…” she says. “Never turn your back on your enemy. A real general would know that.” 

Chuckling, I shook my head and stood, facing her. “Enough talking.” 

I placed my hands in front of my face, clenched in fists as she charged once more. She decided to throw a punch but I quickly blocked it, grabbing her fists and flipping her on the ground. 

“Come to one Mira, you can do better than this.”

She rolls her eyes as she gets off the ground. She wasn't in shape anymore. Her body has been lying in bed or on the sofa for the majority of the past five years. I could hear some shallowness in her breath that she tried to hide. 

She ran towards me, twisting her body in the hair until her foot collided with my cheek. My face shot to my left. I could feel the blood in my saliva, spitting on the ground. Obviously not paying attention. She right hooked me in the abdomen causing me to crouch which allowed her to take the opportunity to grab the back of my head down to her rising knee. Then quickly, elbowing me in the face.

Groaning, I fell to the ground. I ran my fingers along with my nose and felt the blood coat my fingers. “There she is,” I whispered to myself. 

I stood up and turned to her, spitting out more blood. She looked angry, very angry. All trace of Mira being upset as she has been for the past five years is gone, now it looked like all she saw was red. And that was exactly what I wanted to happen. 

I grabbed my sword and handed it to her. “I don’t want it,” she snared. I tried to set it down but she told me not to. I raised a brow at her. “Sometimes life on the battlefield is unfair.”

I spun the sword in my hand and smiled, making a slashing motion with my hand that she quickly blocked. Grabbing my wrist and twisting it causes the sword to drop out of my hand. She immediately side-kicked me in the abdomen.

It should be a good idea to mention, I wasn’t trying. Not even remotely. Because this wasn’t a true training session. I just wanted her to use me as her personal punching bag. She needed to get this anger and hurt out of her body to move on.

I knew that she would eventually give in to her anger and use it against me even if she didn’t want to use it. 

She didn’t give me time to recover before she started throwing her fists left and right, and with one final right hook, I fell to the ground. She jumped on top of me and grabbed my collar, throwing me back on the ground. “Fight back Cassian!” she yelled.

“No” I coughed back. “Why not? I can’t hurt you if you aren’t at least trying to defend yourself.”

I placed my hand over hers on my collar. “Exactly,” I hoarsely say, looking into her eyes. She raises a brow. “You can’t hurt me if I don’t at least try to defend myself. So why aren’t you taking your own advice? You’re beating yourself up every day for five years over something that wasn’t your fault. That voice in your head is hurting you every single day and you haven’t once tried to defend yourself over the hurt and the pain.”

“This is different,” she glares, trying to pull her hands away but I tighten my hold.

“The only difference is this is you hurting yourself. I understand Azriel hurt you in more ways than one but you started blaming yourself. And not to bring up the blame you put on yourself for the things your family is enduring outside these walls. Nothing is your fault, Mira. None of this is. You have been a victim for the past 35 years. And the worst villain making you feel like one is you!”

“Shut up Cassian!” she snares and takes back her arms, standing up. “Just take me home. I knew this was a mistake, to begin with.”

I slowly stand, holding my side and groaning. “Why are you hurting yourself even more than you deserve?”

“I do deserve it Cassian!” she yells. “I’m not mad at Azriel, I’m mad at myself because he has been right. For the past five years, I have been trying to understand why he did what he did and now I do. Instead of working day and night to try to find a way back to my family, I have been _here._ A place of happiness and laughter. I spent days getting drunk and with Azriel instead of grieving. What does that say about me Cassian? 

I left them! I left everyone and for what? To find the cliche ‘missing part of me’ troupe everyone always talks about? I deserve to be unhappy because I left without looking back. I left them to die. I knew something was coming and something was wrong but instead, I was selfish. It led to my mother’s death now it’s led to everyone else’s death as well. 

I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Yes, you do!” I shout, walking up to her and grabbing her shoulders. She tears her gaze off my eyes. “Look at me,” I say and she doesn’t respond. “Look at me!”

“What!”

“None of this is your fault. And I promised you all those years ago I would help you get you back to your family but that isn’t going to happen if you stand here and act like a princess in need of saving. You aren’t a princess Mira, you are a warrior. You fought in the Great War. You almost ran out of the house when we first told you about Amarantha to save your High Lord without a care of what you were going to go up against. That's Not the same Amira that’s standing in front of me. 

If you believe any part of this is your fault, remember who’s the one that’s the cause of all this. And focus all that warrior anger on her and any other like her after that.”

She sniffles and looks into my eyes, a tear rolling down her cheek. 

“I just want my family back, Cassian,” she whispers.

I don’t say another word as I wrap my arms around her, bringing her to my chest. Her arms wrap around my torso and I felt her hands tighten. I could hear her choked up cries. 

“You’ll get them back,” I murmur into her ears. “But also remember we’re your family too. And right now, you need to let us in, love.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you guys liked this chapter. Love you all. Remember that sometimes, it's okay to be upset and to not be okay. But don't let yourself drown in your own cries, sometimes you just have to let the tears out. And that's okay. I'm always available to talk as well.
> 
> Much love <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter:
> 
> Be yours- Betsy Phillips
> 
> 🎵Our story was short  
> Never thought that it would end  
> Dont know who you think I am  
> But I know who you are🎵

[Song of the chapter ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApWnIIch-5c)

* **5 years Later * Azriel’s POV**

“Thank you Mira!” a group of children yelled in unison as Mira handed them a box of her cookies. They each took a turn hugging her and ran away. 

Yes, I was watching her. No, nothing has changed between us. We’ve stayed away from each other for a decade now and every day, regret fills my body alongside guilt. 

Ten years. It’s been ten years since I left her in the house and every day I’ve been trying to find some way to justify my actions. But so far, nothing. No word from Rhysand. No word from anyone outside of Prythian. Nothing. No reason whatsoever to excuse what I did to her. 

I’m just thankful to Cassian for whatever he did five years ago. Apart from me wanted to go up and check on them that night but I knew it was better if I didn’t. 

Ever since that day, she began opening up but it was a slow process. Day by day, she began getting better. Even began training again three years ago but Cassian would train her in her front yard. Apparently, children loved to watch them. 

I loved to watch them. I would hide within the shadows or stay in the air. It made the pain hurt less seeing her laughing and smiling. I had to make sure she was okay. 

From the night I left her, the nightmares have only gotten worse. Every single one ended in Mira somehow getting badly injured or never waking up. On those nights, I would jump out of bed and fly to her window, just to peer inside and make sure she was okay. 

Some nights my brain couldn’t distinguish my dreams from realities. Some felt so real. When I would wake, I could feel her blood on my skin, hear her sobs, and feel her pain. It was as if she was in my veins coursing as the blood ran through me.

The worst days were her birthday. I promised to help her figure out what her shadows were and what monsters were after her. And I’ve kept it, what she doesn’t know is that I’ve tried looking for answers. In the library or asking the priestesses that resided inside. Nothing. Not a single scripture or writing. I must’ve read thousands of books regarding the topic of shadows or monsters. 

I knew she would spend it in pain and each worse than the last. I wasn’t there to hold her through it. And if she were to ever come close to death again, I would never forgive myself. 

Those days the guilt flooded through me, I would stay in my room and not come out. My mind spinning and thinking of her every second as Cassian and Mor went to her. 

In exchange, I stopped celebrating mine as well. There was no point in celebrating the birth of my existence when all I’ve ever done is cause pain and suffering to everyone around me. 

The only person who made my birthday worth celebrating was her. Looking at her now, a quick memory played through my head of the last birthday I celebrated.

***

_“Happy Birthday!” I felt a heavyweight jump on my body. I opened my eyes quickly, my hand immediately grabbing my Truth Teller on my nightstand. She giggled resting her hands on my bare chest and her face atop her hands, looking up at me._

_“Mira,” I breathe, letting go of the dagger. “Baby, you can’t scare me like that.” She shrugs and widens her legs to now straddle my body, placing the palms of her hands near my head. My hands found her waist, I could feel her heated skin through the thin midnight blue satin negligee she wore._

_A gift from Cassian last Solstice which earned a nice right hook from yours truly after his comment about wanting to see it on her to make sure it was the right size._

_I raise my hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear that fell in front of her face._

_When she opened her mouth to say something, the door fell open with a bang. “Cassian!” I shout for what may be the millionth time this has happened. Quickly, I wrapped my wing around Mira, knowing the negligee riding up her waist. Mira laughs and drops her body on mine, placing her face in the crook of my neck._

_“Dammit, Mira! Every time!” he groans and closes the door. “And every time I tell you to wait until they leave the room,” I hear Mor yell and smack. “Idiot.”_

_Mira continues to laugh, the sound ringing in my ear like a melody I never want to forget. She lifts her head and I unwrap my wing. “Hi,” she says softly._

_“Hello.” She brings her hand to my hair, massaging her fingers through it. “Happy Birthday. What do you want to do today?”_

_I raise a brow at her and bring my gaze down to her body. She rolls her eyes and quickly gets out of my bed. “But it’s my birthday!” I joke with her._

_“Get up and wash your face first. Maybe eat the breakfast I made for you to fuel your body with energy,” she laughs._

_In mere seconds, I was out of bed and grabbing her by her waist from behind. She let out a yelp as I turned her and threw her over my shoulders._

_“Azriel!”_

_***_

And here I was, exactly a decade later. 

Happy Birthday to me. 

It was chilly this morning, getting a little colder as the days in the year went by. But my Illyrian leather kept me warm. But looking at Mira, I wanted to go home and grab one of my coats to wrap around her arms. 

She was only wearing a thin blue sweater with black jeans. Her hair up in a ponytail, the sun shining on the blue. 

It seemed after her talk with Cassian, she wanted to clean herself back up. Starting with dying her hair back to the midnight blue shade she once had. But it was a little different this time around. The midnight blue faded into a lighter blue shade into a silver. Come to think of it, I never saw her natural hair. I knew it was brown but light or dark, that I didn’t know. 

I wondered why she never kept the natural or if she ever did. But maybe she never liked it. 

Her skin was glowing, the golden tan turning a little darker from the sun. She wasn’t as dark as her High Lord nor the people I used to see that were from the Dawn Court. But then again, her father was from the Night Court and here we aren’t as dark tan as they were there. Mira’s paleness corresponded to my skin when it was tanned. 

I probably should state exactly where I was. I was standing on a roof across from Blue Water Cafe, the same place Cassian took Mira out for dinner many years ago. It seems she now worked as a waitress. What I learned from Cassian, the owner, and she had grown close. He teaches Mira his baking and in return so does she. She loved it and on days she wasn’t there, she stayed at Elijah’s shop. 

“She wants to keep herself busy,” Cassian said to me once. 

Cornelius walks outside and waves goodbye at the children running away, handing Mira a box. She opens it and from what I see, thanks to him as Elijah walks up to the doorway. 

When he reaches the two, he shakes Cornelius’s hand and proceeds to take off his coat, hanging it around Amira’s shoulders. My heart clenches at the sight. I should be the one doing that. Was something going on between the two?

She leans into his body as he wraps an arm around her, rubbing her arm up and down, and placing a kiss on her cheek. 

My mind spins watching the two. A new feeling emerges in my body. _Jealousy._ I haven’t felt this way since my feelings towards Morrigan and Cassian. 

I could hear her laughter from here at something Cornelius said that ended in a wave of goodbye and the two walking away, headed towards his shop.

I could’ve sworn for a moment, her head looked up in my direction but I fled before I confirmed the fact.

***

I flew along the border for maybe the hundredth time today, trying to find anything. Anything that...to be honest, I don’t know what I was looking for. I don’t know what I’m looking for at all. Maybe a sign?

A sign from Rhys that wasn’t strong enough to reach me at the House. Or a sign that someone had found our border? Anything really. But here I was, finding absolutely nothing. 

With a sigh, I flew back home. 

Flying over Velaris, I decided to patrol it before I officially went home. I made sure everything was okay and no one had any trouble. Children were laughing and playing under the evening sky. Faes were conversing on the patios. Some were walking into a party. Others walked out. 

And then I saw Mor, standing in the doorway of Elijah’s shop with a wrapped box. But no one else was around. Was Cassian coming to get her? I looked around and when I saw Cassian was nowhere in sight, I decided I would go ask. 

I landed in an alleyway, children gawked their eyes at me as the ground shook. 

I chuckled under my breath and made my way to Morrigan. Rounding the corner, I fell back when I saw Mira come out of the shop door. 

Damn you Azriel. I was going to fly away but something she said made me stop. 

“Give this to Azriel for me please,” she said softly to Mor. I peer my head around the corner, thankful that the sun was going down and I could fade into the darkness to blend in using my shadows. 

“Do you want me to tell him who it’s from?” Mor asks. Mira shakes her head. “Say it’s from you or Cassian. I don’t want him to be upset.”

Mor snickers, “If anything Mira, he thinks you’re still upset with him.” Mira stays silent, still holding the box out to Mor. With a sigh, Mor takes it and puts it on top of her own. “I’ll take care of it.” 

Just then, Cassian swoops in and lands a little ways from Mor. He greets them both as I decide to walk away. 

Why would Mira give Mor a box for me on my birthday? She never gave me gifts. Not in the last decade, why now? I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve her kindness.   
Blending in with the shadows, I hear footsteps behind me. “Mira! Where are you going?” Dammit. 

I run into an alleyway and hide in the corner. Concealed within the shadows in the corner. I should leave. I should winnow. But I wanted to see her. Really see her. And it surprised me when she entered the ally, looking around. Did she see me?

“Mira!” I hear Cassian’s voice call out. I stay quiet, not moving an inch. “Mira!” 

She walks straight towards me and my breath stops. “There you are,” Cassian breathes. He walks over to her and grabs her arm but her gaze was still looking my way. “What’s wrong?” he asks, looking at her with concern and towards my direction. It was at these moments I was grateful for being a shadow singer, for being one with the shadows.

She tilts her head in confusion before shaking it, turning back to Cassian. “Sorry,” she laughs. “I thought I sensed something. Probably just a rat. Come on.” She wraps her hand around his arm as they walk out of the ally but not before glancing back my way. 

Confused as to what was happening, I let my body become consumed within the shadows, taking me back home. 

***

My eyes gazed at the page in front of me. Books upon books laid on my desk. Each about the most random things. One was about the history of shadow singers, one about witches, one about dreams, and the one in front of me about nightmares. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about Mira’s gaze. She looked right at me and followed me like she knew I was there but I was in the shadows. No one and I means no one should be able to know where I am. 

And then I began thinking about her near-death experience. She was afraid of me. Afraid of my shadows because one was coming after her. None of it made sense. And no person I asked in the library knew anything.   
Some looked at me with a look of confusion and worry like I was rambling about some nonsense and maybe I was speaking nonsense. 

My brain was focused on the page in front of me -talking of how some believe dreams are a way of fate and that the Mother sends them for a reason- that I didn’t hear the opening of my door. And when a hand was placed on my shoulder, I was quick to grab my Truth Teller and place it against their throat. 

She sucked in a deep breath, dropping the wrapped boxes to the ground. “Mor,” I groaned, pulling the dagger back. “Sorry, I thought you heard me come in,” she said quietly, bending over to pick up the two boxes. “I got you these for your birthday. I would’ve wrapped them together but one was last minute.” 

A lie. But I nodded in understanding. “Thank you.” 

She stayed standing and I knew she was waiting for me to open the boxes. Or at least Mira’s to know what she got me. I laughed softly and began unwrapping Mor’s first, revealing a pair of baby blue shorts with an engraved A on one side. I raised an eyebrow at her and she laughed, shrugging her shoulders. 

Rolling my eyes, I set the box and shorts down on the desk on top of the book and reached over for Mira’s. It was much smaller than Mor’s. Possibly the size of a watch like the one I was wearing, another one of her gifts. 

I unwrapped it slowly, my heart beating faster as I came to open it. 

My heart clenched at what was inside. 

A silver ring with a blue gemstone, that matched my siphons, was located in the middle and surrounded by smaller silver gems shaped like stars and moons. 

Even without overhearing Mira this morning, I would’ve known this wasn’t Mor’s gift. Everything about it screamed Amira. And I was so mesmerized by it I forgot Mor stood in front of me until she let out a gasp. 

I looked up to meet her eyes and she quickly hid the shock. “I need to go set up...dinner,” she said and hurried out the room. 

Looking back at the ring, I placed it on the fourth finger on my right hand and leaned back in my chair. Bringing my left hand up to my mouth, I rolled my lower lip between my forefinger and thumb, staring at the ring and remembering a small memory behind it.

***

_“Do you wear rings?” Mira bursts out asking as she laid in my bed. She laid on her bare stomach at the end of the bed looking up at me as I pulled up my pants from the floor and placed them on my leg before laying next to her, my feet hitting the headboard. My elbow propped up near her head as I looked down into her eyes._

_“Not really,” I answer, twisting a strand of hair between my fingers. “Maybe for accessories at parties but rarely.” My fingers let go of her hair before tracing down her shoulder and onto her back. “Why do you ask?”_

_“Just wondering,” she says quietly._

_We laid for a few moments without speaking words. Just her closing her eyes as I traced patterns along her back. Cellulite scars covering her lower back and hips and I traced over those as well. They may have been one of my favorite parts of her body._

_It reminded me she wasn’t perfect. She had her scars just as I had mine. And maybe that was why I was so comfortable around her when it came to my scars._

_It just occurred to me that I never even told her anything. Nothing about my family or how I received the scars. And she never asked. The realization caused my fingers to stop but I didn’t notice until she said something._

_“Why did you stop?” she opens her eyes slightly. “Everything okay?”_

_She raised her head from her hands slightly as my hand came up to push a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yea baby.”_

_I cupped her cheek and brought my lips down to meet hers. She shifted slightly under me, never breaking the kiss, to twist her body so she was laying on her back. Breaking the kiss, she nudged her nose against mine and wrapped her hands around my neck, pulling me down to her body._

_“So…” she laughs as my lips meet the curve of her neck. “About the ring. If I bought you one hypothetically, would you wear it?”_

_*** **Start playing song now if you have not done so*****_

And her question was answered as the ring laid on my finger, years later. 

So many memories with her but so little time.

How did humans do it? Mira and I would be elders right now if we were humans. We would’ve “grown old” together but here we are, not even a dent in our existence as faes. Was it a blessing or a curse?

I mean if you think about it, the more time you spend with someone, the deeper your feelings get. Did I love her? 

I don’t know.

I don’t know how to love anyone outside the Inner Circle, they were my family. But Mira, she slithered her way in without even trying. Like a shadow in the night. If this was how I felt about her, how would I feel when I discovered my mate? Apart from my wishes, it was Mira because maybe then I would be able to be with her. 

She wouldn’t have to be married off. She wouldn’t have to be her family’s slave if it came to it. But then again, I let her go. Without even a shred of evidence that Rhysand was ever coming back and she was ever going to go home. 

I did that. 

Me. 

I broke us. 

Maybe it wasn’t for Rhys. Maybe it was part of my selfishness. My way of protecting myself from not getting too close.

Because it came to the point where I couldn’t sleep peacefully without her by my side. Every time she wasn’t, the nightmares were worse. 

I couldn’t tame my shadows as I used to, they were restless at times and I couldn’t tell why. It was as if they didn’t want to listen to me. But when I was with or near her, they would be as gentle as waves in a sea. 

Letting out a breath, I stand and walk to my door. I needed to see her. To thank her. Or maybe just… just to see her. 

I pass Cassian in the halls and he abruptly stops before I hear his footsteps catching up. “Where are you going?” he asks. I shook my head, “Just saw something today and I thought it was nothing but I need to double-check,” I lied. 

“Okay, let’s go.”

“No,” I say a bit too quickly and turn to him. “I...I’ll be back soon.” He raises his eyebrow as I turn around and walk out the balcony doors. I think I heard Mor calling my name but I was already in the sky.

Soaring over Velaris, I rethink everything. Maybe, just maybe I could see if we were willing to give us another chance. It’s been ten years and no Rhys. No word from Prythian. Maybe it’s too late. 

I land a little ways from her house, moving through the shadows. I couldn’t land on her door, she would hear that. Becoming one with the shadows was the best way of transport because I still have yet to figure out what to say to her. 

I was grateful it was night time because the darkness was everywhere. Making this severely easier. When I finally made it, I was in the corner of her building. The door to my left side.

Looking down at the ring, I tried to mangle up the courage to knock on her door. It was easier said than done. 

Would I be causing her more pain by seeing her? Would I be bringing up memories? Wait, Elijah. She was with Elijah now.

But I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what I saw. And I couldn’t ask Mor because it would lead to more questions about how I knew. 

But maybe she wasn’t with Elijah. All he did was give her a coat, his coat and she sunk her body into his and he kissed her. But Cassian used to kiss her cheek. But this was different. 

Elijah and Amira were the same people. They clicked the first day they met. He’s been by her side when I wasn’t. He stayed in her house. And for all I know, they shared the same bed. He held her hand on her birthdays and gave her attention to her cycles. He did everything I did and maybe more. 

I couldn’t be here. I had to leave. She deserved to be happy. 

The moment I took my first step, the door opened and I stilled. I was going to retract in the shadows but I saw her. Mira, walking out the door with a blanket wrapped around her body. No one followed her. She walked to the middle of her front yard, staring up at the sky. 

The light of Velaris shined on only half her face and she looked as beautiful as ever. 

“Darling!” I heard a man’s voice coming from the opened door. “Amira! Where’d you go?” I hear another, a woman’s voice. 

A head pops out of the doorway. A woman with brown skin and tightly curled hair appear. “Mira,” she whines. “It’s bloody cold outside, what are you doing?” She had some sort of accent that I couldn’t quite put my finger on from where. 

“I’ll be back in a second,” Mira laughs and turns around. “Just needed fresh air.” 

The woman rolls her eyes. “Well, I’m starting on the wine without you.” She walks back inside as the man, whom I see as Elijah, walks out.

He walks up to Mira and places his hands on either arm, rubbing them as he did earlier today. “Are you okay?” I hear him ask. She nods and he nods after. “Okay, I’m going to go back inside. Come inside when you want.” 

After kissing her forehead and walking back inside, shutting the door, she turns back around. 

I needed to leave. 

Before I did, I stopped at her voice. “I know you’re there,” she says. “I can feel you behind me. You were in the alleyway earlier too...Azriel.”

That couldn’t be possible. She shouldn’t be able to sense me, hear me, or see me. Especially when I’m wearing the siphons. 

I step out slowly from the corner but she doesn’t turn around. “How did you know?” I ask. She shrugs, “I just do.” She turns to face me and walks to me until she is almost pressed against my chest but keeps her distance. 

“I can sense your shadows,” she murmurs and I raise my brow. “I know it sounds crazy but strange things have been happening every year. And I… I don’t know. I can’t explain. I just know they’re there and the ones around you are unique to all the others. At first, I thought I was crazy but your emerging confirms it was always you I sensed throughout the past year.” 

“You knew?” I breathed. “Why didn’t you say something?” She just shrugged and looked down at the ground. 

She couldn’t meet my eyes. And that’s how I knew I broke her. 

I stayed looking at her waiting for her to say something. Her fingers reached over to my hands and grabbed the one wearing the ring. “You wore it,” she smiled but I could sense the sadness behind it. 

My blood stilled as her skin touched mine. Her fingers were ice compared to the heat of my fingers. Looking down at her hands, the ring that I gave her years ago wasn’t on her finger. Only the bracelet. 

I couldn’t help but feel hurt. The ring wasn’t just a ring. It was a promise. It came with the promise of reuniting her with her family and with her taking it off, it felt like I failed. I failed Rhysand as I failed her.

I failed to be hers.

And now she had Elijah. 

Clearing my throat, I take my hand away and scratch the back of my neck. “I just wanted to come by and thank you. I knew it wasn’t Mor from just looking at it.” 

She nods and looks away. This was severely awkward and I was feeling very uncomfortable. Not around her but how I made her feel. 

“You should go,” I say after a few moments of silence, staring off into the city. “Elijah must be waiting for you.” Dammit, that’s not what I should’ve said and I couldn’t help but snare a little saying it. 

I hear a small laugh coming from her. Turning my head over, I saw she brought her hand up to her mouth to cover the laugh while looking down at the ground. Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed. My instant reaction was to walk away but she grabbed my wrist. 

“Wait,” she turns me back to look at her. “Elijah and I, we aren’t together if that’s what you think. He’s with someone else and I don’t want to be with him.” A part of me was relieved she said the last part but the other part felt ridiculous for caring in the first place. 

She wasn’t mine anymore. It didn’t matter who she was with. Or what I thought. We were done for. She stepped closer to me, her fingers trailing down my wrist and my heart stopped beating when her fingers connected with mine. 

Her eyes flicker up to meet mine. I missed waking up to them every morning. Her brown eyes were different than any brown eyes I’ve ever seen. They had this certain glow. Like gold flecks. Or maybe it was just me. 

But I could also see the pain behind them. I knew her too well just as she knew me. If we were in a crowd of people and our faces were covered, I would be able to spot her just by looking into her eyes. 

“I’m not mad at you Azriel,” she whispers. “I never was. If anything, I should be mad at myself.”

“Amira-”

“No, just let me speak this time,” She interrupts and I nod, letting her continue. “I’m mad at myself for the same reason you were mad at yourself. I let myself be engulfed in this new city and I was so blinded by everything that I pushed aside the importance of my court. Apart from me just felt like, it’s been too long. And I forgot my life existed for one duty and that was to honor my family. To go back home and continue my family’s line. And I pushed it aside for selfish reasons. 

And I was mad at you at first but I realized you were right. We distract each other. We blind each other. We need space from each other. But I can’t help my mind Azriel, I can’t stand us pretending we don’t know each other or that we never happened. I-”

“Amira!” someone yells from inside. She turns her head to the door and sighs. 

“Looks like I have to go before they think I’ve died but the point is if you want to move on, move on.” She turns back over to me. “But please don’t pretend I never existed.”

“Baby,” I cave bringing our intertwined hands to wipe her tears away. I grab the back of her neck and her fingers don’t leave mine as I bring my forehead onto hers. “I’ll never forget but I’m not letting you go. One way or another, I’ll find my way back to you.”

“Don’t promise something you can’t keep Az.”

“This isn’t a promise. Promises are meant to be broken. It’s my word. And I always keep my word.” 

She lets out a small laugh and shakes her head. “It’s the same thing.”

“No, it’s not. My word means I will do _whatever_ it takes. Promises just mean I’ll try.” 

“What if we find our mates before we find each other?”

I roll my eyes. “What have I said about you making what-if scenarios?”

“I-”

Before she could answer, I pressed my lips onto hers one last time. She didn’t kiss back for a few seconds before her finger let mine go, giving me better access to her neck to pull her in more. Instead, her fingers found the nape of my neck and pressed me closer.

She was my drug and I couldn’t get enough of her. 

I haven’t given myself to anyone in years. When I developed feelings for Mor, it took me years to actually be with someone, and even after, it never was anything serious. One night stands and nothing more. Maybe a few repetitive faes but none really captured my eyes. 

Until Amira and I had no idea what it was about her. Maybe it was from our endless training sessions and the sexual tension that emerged from it. Her body glistening with sweat making her skin glow and when I would pin her down or when she would pin me down. 

And when we finally slept together after decades of her arriving, it was so much different than anyone I’ve ever been with. She knew I liked it rough, knew there were parts of me I showed no one outside the bedroom, and it seemed like she enjoyed it. I don’t even think she knew she would enjoy them. 

I missed every inch of her body. I tried many years ago to get my mind off of her but I couldn’t get past walking in the front door. It didn’t feel right. 

I could hear footsteps walking towards us from it being extremely silent in the yard. But it only made her tug harder than to just pull away, like she didn’t want me to go. And believe me, I didn’t. But I had to. 

The moment the door opened, I vanished in the shadows and appeared on the rooftop across from her yard. She stood stunned, looking up to where my head would be from our height. 

“Mira!” the woman from before sighs. She walks over to her quickly, picking up her blanket from the ground. I didn’t even realize it had dropped. How long has she been freezing? She was only in a nightgown. The woman touched her skin. “You’re freezing,” she gasps, placing the blanket around her but Mira was still unresponsive. 

Elijah comes running out. “Is everything okay?” 

The woman nods. “She was just standing there, in this same position, and her blanket was on the ground.” Elijah walks over to her and stands in front of Mira. “Aaliyah, can you get some tea ready?”

The woman, or Aaliyah, nods, and heads inside as Elijah turns Mira’s body towards the door, guiding her inside. But before the door closed, Mira looked back one last time.

And her eyes met mine as if she knew exactly where I was. And a part of me could’ve sworn the fear in her eyes grew but the worst of it?

I suddenly felt chills and fear rush through my shadows like something was wrong. 

Or something was going to go wrong.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I hope everyone is having a good week and has had a good new years. I also hope you guys love this chapter even though it was a little upsetting. Rest assured, the end of the fifty years is near and that means... the ride will start speeding up.
> 
> Please don't forget to kudos and let me know your thoughts in the comments!  
> xxx


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter 
> 
> Trauma- NF 
> 
> 🎵Grab my hand, I'm drowning  
> I feel my heart pounding  
> Why haven't you found me yet?  
> I hold you so proudly  
> Traumas, they surround me  
> I wish you'd just love me back🎵

[ **Song of the chapter** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4U3OcHxY1A)

***5 years later***

_I was running through the woods, being chased by something. Someone. Or something. I didn’t know how I got here or where exactly I was. I wasn’t in Velaris, not anymore._

_I knew I was dreaming. Knew everything wasn’t real but I couldn’t wake up. I didn’t know how to wake up._

_What was strange was I felt tired, pain, and my muscles aching as if this was real. I stopped for merely a second, looking around the trees to find my way back to Velaris. Or to safety. Whichever came first. Sucking in a deep breath, I ran and ran and ran._

_The sun was going down and I knew I needed to find safety before it became dark. Or I needed to wake up but how? I didn’t know._

_It was getting harder to breathe. The air in my chest escaped and a sharp pain took place. I tried listening to Azriel’s voice in my head telling me to breathe. Breathe in, count to five, and breathe out. He would tell me that constantly during training._

_Well, when I first trained with him. It helped with keeping my stamina and not releasing all my energy on my opponent quickly. But I couldn’t breathe._

_I looked back for a mere second which was a mistake when my foot caught under a fallen branch and I fell face forward into the cold wet ground. I let out a groan, placing the palm of my hands on either side of me to pull me back up._

_Looking down, I saw I was no longer wearing the nightgown that I wore to sleep but instead a dress? The same dress I wore the day I left the dawn court. The high neck sleeveless blush dress with flowers and leaves in shades of pink and white. The same silk belt wrapped around my waist._

_I couldn’t question it for long when I heard a whistle of wind coming from behind me. Grabbing the dress skirt with both my hands, I held it as I kept running._

_After running for what seemed like hours, I finally saw light. It was faint but it was there. I ran faster._

_Looking around, I saw… Illyrians? Was I in an Illyrian war camp?_

_Illyrian of all shapes, some broad and tall and some thinner walked the grounds. Their wings dragging behind them. Women also walked but some had no wings insight and some had a few._

_I walked around slowly. I stood out. A wave of pink in a sea of black. But yet no one seemed to pay attention to me._

_“Hello,” I tried saying, catching my breath from running but the Illyrian men walked by without a glance. I tried it again. “Please help me.” No one looked my way._

_“This is just a dream,” I tell myself, rubbing my hands. My thumb pressed the palm of my opposite hand as I writhed my hands together. “It’s just a dream, Maliha. Wake up. Wake up Maliha.”_

_I closed my eyes and continued. “Wake up Maliha. Wake up.”_

_Slowly opening my eyes, I was still here but Azriel was in front of me._

_He made his way towards me in the crowd. But there was something different. But I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. “Mira,” he smiled. “You found the dress I felt you.”_

_I furrowed my brows and looked around me. No one bothered to look. “Mira,” he questions. “What’s wrong?”_

_I shake my head and look back at my hands. “Wake up. Wake up. Wake-”_

_His hands clamp on my shoulder. “Darling, look up at me. What are you saying?” Darling? He never called me darling?_

_My hands go up to grab him and pull them off of me. I slowly begin to walk backward but as I walk, so does he. Looking up into his eyes, they weren’t hazel anymore. They were dark brown, almost black and I knew it wasn’t Azriel._

_But he walked like him, he sounded like him, he smiled like him._

_But he wasn’t_ **_my_ ** _Azriel._

_And my Azriel would never call me darling._

_I turned around and ran. I could hear him call my name but I continued to run. My legs took me as fast as they could go. I banked right through the wave of Illyrians and looked around for a door to walk into and hide._

_I stopped for a split second to catch my breath and in front of me, blending in with a crowd was the boy I would see in my dreams and nightmares for the past 45 years. But the girl that was usually with him wasn’t there. His face was distorted as if I couldn’t make up his clear face but something inside me knew it was the same boy._

_He brought his hand up and motioned me to follow him. I stood frozen as he turned around and walked through a door. Turning around, I couldn’t find Azriel. Or whoever that was and so I ran after the boy. Falling through the door._

_I fell on the ground like I had tripped and groaned. The boy was nowhere to be seen. I stood slowly off the ground. But in my hands was a dagger covered in blood._

_“How could you?” I heard his voice from behind. I looked down at my hands, seeing them covered in blood. Slowly I turned around and gasped._

_Azriel kneeled before me holding Mor in his arms, her eyes gaping up at me and her hands limp on the ground. Blood poured on her red dress making it a darker shade and dried on her skin._

_I dropped the dagger and stepped back. But my foot hit something and when I turned around, it was Cassian. His wings were bloodied and he was laying on his stomach._

_No. No. No. Wake up. Wake up._

_Azriel set Mor on the ground and walked towards me as I walked back._

_“Azriel,” I pleaded, looking at Mor and down at my bloodied stained dress. I continued walking back until my back hit the railing of the bridge above the Sidra River._

_Before I could speak, his hand grasped around my throat and squeezed hard, blocking all the airflow in my body. “I trusted you,” he sneered in disgust._

_“I trusted you with everything in me. I saved you from your death. I laid by your side while you were in pain. I trained you and made you stronger. And you’ve been lying to us. All of us. And now my family is dead by your hand._ **_Maliha_ ** _.”_

_My hand grabbed his around my throat tugging it. “Azriel please,” I cracked. “I don’t know what happened.”_

_“I should’ve known you were working with her. Is Rhys dead too?”_

_Confusion takes over me. “Working with who?” I inhaled a deep breath and his hand tightened._

_“Amarantha,” he shouted. “You’re her right-hand woman Maliha. You’ve been working with her this entire time.”_

_I shook my head and tugged on his hand. “You have it all wrong,” I breathed, my voice barely over a hoarse whisper. “I have never worked with her. My name is Maliha but I’m from the Dawn Court. I’m the Lady of the Dawn Court, I never meant to kill anyone and I don’t know how-”_

_“Shut up,” he bares his teeth. “No more lies. You took my family’s life, it’s only fair I take yours too.”_

_I couldn’t speak as his hand tightened. It wasn’t starting to feel like a dream anymore. And there was a rumor I had heard, that if you die in your dreams, you die in reality._

_Maybe this was it._

_My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I felt myself being pushed over the railing, landing in the freezing water._

_The voice in my head screamed at me to fight but there was no more fight in me._

_I closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness._

**_Azriel’s POV_ **

Something was wrong. I couldn’t explain it. But I knew something was wrong. I thought I heard Mira scream my name. But when I woke up, no one was around. But I wasn’t dreaming either. My dream was pitch black. 

But I still woke up, sweating and turning like I was having a bad dream. And I felt like Mira was in trouble. My shadows rustled around me and were whispering incoherently. 

But I haven’t spoken to Mira in five years, not since my birthday. We weren’t upset or mad with each other. We just never crossed paths. Never asked for each other. Never saw each other. 

But I still managed to check in on her every once in a while. I stayed in the shadows. In the dark. Flying overhead. Just to make sure she was okay. 

But she was still everywhere. I saw her in my nightmares, my dreams, and sometimes when I blanked off in space. 

But for some reason, I couldn’t move on. But if we were being honest, it took me very long to get rid of Mor in my mind and we were never together. Mira and I were. I wondered how long this would last. How long would she stay living in my thoughts?

But for now, my mind was clouded with thoughts.

Something was wrong. 

I stood quickly and put on a pair of sweats and a shirt. Walking out of my room -but not before grabbing my Truth-Teller- I made my way to Cassian’s door. I banged on it a couple of times. And waited for my brother to open the door. He was quick to open, looking like he rushed out of bed also. 

“Azriel,” he groaned, scratching the back of his head. “It’s 3 in the morning brother, what’s going on?” 

“Something’s wrong,” I blurt out. “I can’t explain it. But I know something’s wrong with Mira.” Saying her name, I grabbed his attention and his eyes widened. He walks back into his room and grabs a shirt. “Let’s go,” he says and walks out. 

We leave Mor asleep and make our way into the night sky. No one was on the streets but the lights of Velaris still shined through. It was odd to see the city dull. It felt like an off day because normally, no matter what time it was, the city was always awake. 

We flew too quickly, making it to her house in a matter of seconds. My heart dropped as I landed. 

Her door was wide open. 

Cassian turned back to look at me before running inside and I followed. “Amira!” he yelled. He made his way to look around the lower level as I made my way up the stairs. 

“Mira!” I called out, opening the door of her washroom. Nothing. 

Worry began creeping up inside my body. Something I’m not used to. 

I ran into her room, “Baby?” I couldn’t help but sound weak, Something was definitely wrong. And I could tell when I saw her necklace on her bedside table. She never takes off the necklace… ever. Not once since I returned it to her has she ever taken it off. 

I grabbed it and stormed downstairs. Cassian walked towards the stairs. “Any-” he stopped when I held up the necklace. “Shit.”

“She wouldn’t leave like this Cassian. Not by herself and if she did, definitely not without this necklace.”

“Let’s look around Velaris, I’ll look around on the ground and you fly around.” 

**_Cassian’s POV_ **

It’s been twenty minutes. Twenty minutes since we left Amira’s house. And no sign of her or anyone odd. I even woke Elijah and he quickly dressed. Aaliyah, Elijah’s current lover, went to Mira’s house to wait in case she returned. 

We’ve been running around Velaris trying to find some sort of clue. Azriel has been soaring through the night sky trying to see anything. I’m trying to think of any reason she would leave and leave her necklace behind. 

“Anything?” Elijah calls out as he runs towards me. I shake my head. He places his hands on his head and looks around. “Dammit, I knew she’s been acting weird but this… this…”

“What are you talking about Elijah?” I question. Elijah lets out a breath. 

“Look for the past two years, she’s been acting...strange.” I raise a brow and he continues. 

“After her birthday, she was going on and on about shadows some nights. Like a switch flipped in her brain. And when I lived with her, they would be random nights where she would sleepwalk in the night. Aurora’s also told me that sometimes she would space out like she was seeing something when nothing was there. And now this?”

I can’t help but feel slight anger rise inside me. “Why didn’t you mention any of this before? Don’t you remember the birthday we almost lost her? We’ve all been trying to figure this out yet you withhold this important piece of information?”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” he says with frustration. “I wanted to tell you but she didn’t want you to worry. She said it was nothing.”

I run my hands over my face in frustration. “Of course she did.”

“Look we’ll talk about this later, is there any place she goes to feel safe? I’ve checked the shop, her work…”

 _The bridge._ I remembered ever since I took her there for the first time, she would constantly ask me to take her just to watch the river flow. Leaving Elijah, I ran towards the bridge. I wasn’t that far. 

Moving through some streets, I decided to take a shortcut through an ally. I should’ve flown but I didn’t think it through and I knew Elijah was following me. 

I was right. I saw Mira for a split second before she fell over the railing into the river. “Mira!” I yelled and ran after her. 

When I finally reached the middle of the bridge, I couldn’t see her. Elijah came running towards me. “Cassian, the water must be freezing. We have to be quick,” he says frantically. 

Without saying a word, I take off my shirt and jump into the river. The water was ice cold as it hit my body and I could’ve sworn my body froze for a split second. 

When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t see anything. The water was dark and I couldn’t see any of her. I looked around frantically, holding my breath. 

_Mira, where are you?_

But then I saw it, a glisten in the dark water. The light of the moon reflecting off her bracelet. But with every second that passed, the farther her body sank. 

Moving my body towards her, I swam as quickly as I could. _Why wasn’t she moving?_  
I finally grasped my hand over her wrist and tugged her body towards mine, wrapping a hand around her waist as I used my other one to swim towards the surface. Her head fell on my shoulder and she wasn’t responsive. 

I gasped for air as I reached the surface and brought my hand under her knee, moving my other hand from her waist towards her shoulders. I shot out of the water, the cold air hitting our skin and water sprinkling from my wings as I landed on the bridge and placed her on the floor. 

Elijah knelt in front of me and took off his jacket, placing it on top of her body. “She’s not breathing,” I choked, coughing myself. Her lips turned a shade of blue and her head tilted to the side. 

“Dammit,” he groaned after feeling her pulse. He placed his hands in the middle of her chest, bringing his jacket a little down, and began pumping. After a couple of pumps, he breathed into her mouth just as I heard the ground jolt from behind me. 

I looked at Elijah and he nodded as I got up from the ground and walked quickly towards an angry Azriel. I placed my hands on his chest keeping him back. I knew if he was near her, he would be too unstable to offer any help. Especially seeing the state she was in. 

“Cassian, get your hands off of me,” he growls. I look back at Mira and then at him. “Brother, you need to let Elijah help her, and you need to calm down.” 

He shoved me off of him and paced back and forth, his hands clawing at his hair. “Third Time!” he yelled. “This is the third time she’s almost died, what in the cauldron is going on? First, Amrantha’s men beat her to a pulp, then we almost lost her on her birthday for some reason thirty years ago, and now this? What the hell happened?”

I turned back to look at her again, what did happen? “I don’t know. I just… I think she fell… I don’t know.” 

We heard a gasp and repetitive coughing and Azriel quickly ran to her side. I followed him as Mira turned on her side and dumped all the water out of her system. The floor around us became wet with Mira and I drenched. 

When she was done, she turned on her back and closed her eyes but she was muttering something. Her body was shaking and the jacket wasn’t helping. 

“Elijah,” he turned his gaze to me. “My shirt.” He turned around and grabbed it since it was not too far. Handing it to me, he peeled off his now wet jacket. Her nightgown was drenched and I knew we couldn’t put my shirt on top because it would defeat the purpose. Elijah knew what I was done and stood, walking towards the railing to lean against it, and look at the sea. 

I handed my shirt to Azriel who looked at me questionably. “You’re probably the only one she would trust and someone needs to take the wet nightgown off and put some warm clothes on her body. She’s already freezing. I’ll block you both.”

He nods and takes the shirt as I stand. There was no one in the streets but better be safe than sorry. I walked over her body to where Elijah once was and knelt so my wings could create a barrier to anyone walking and looked up at the sky. 

I could hear rustling and the sound of the wind. I just regretted not bringing a jacket. My body was fine, I wasn’t too cold and even if I did bring a jacket. I would’ve still given it to Mira. 

Azriel was done quickly and he discarded her wet nightgown to the side while my shirt went down to her thighs. 

As soon as Elijah walked back over to us, she spoke. “Azriel.” I looked up at him. Her voice was soft, barely a whisper, and hoarse. “I’m sorry.” 

He reached his hand out to touch her. “Mira, it’s okay. Open-”

“Please don’t hurt me. Azriel, I’m sorry,” she croaked. He stopped his hand and looked at me. My brows furrowed at the fae in front of me. He slowly placed his hand on her cheek and she flinched and whispered once more. “Please don’t hurt me. Azriel, I’m sorry.”

He retreated his hand as if she burned him. She continued whispering the same thing. Once. Twice. And each time, his eyes grew with guilt. I knew him. She probably didn’t know what she was doing. She probably was sleepwalking like Elijah mentioned.

But without speaking, he stood and flew back to the house. 

***

It’s 7 am and I was sitting on Mira’s bed, one leg propped up on the bed itself while the other was hanging off of it. Her hand was in mine. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to but I kept hearing her voice inside my head wondering what the hell she was talking about. 

And I needed to make sure she was alright. 

She finally was starting to stir in her sleep, groaning, and stretching. Her eyes slowly opened and she looked at me. Her eyes fell to our intertwined hands and she sat up slowly, the several blanked falling off her. Her eyes went large when she saw my black shirt placed on her body. 

I went home quickly to grab one for me as well so I wasn’t freezing. 

“Cassian,” she hissed, placing her other hand on her head. “What happened? Who’re clothes am I in and why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost? And why is it freezing?” Her hands felt her hair. “And why is my hair wet?”

Before I could speak, her eyes went wide in the realization of something. In seconds, she let go of my hand and jumped into my arms, wrapping hers around my neck. It took me a second to return the hug. 

“Mira,” I said softly and she wrapped her arms tighter. “Mimi,” I used her special nickname only when I called her. “What happened? Why did you jump?”

I’ve been trying to wrack my brain over how she ended up in the river and the only thing I could think of was she jumped. I didn’t see her full body or how she did it. I just saw it when it was too late. 

She pulled away and wrapped a hand around her throat. “I...I was pushed.”

I raise a brow. “Mira, no one was there beside you on the bridge.”

She looked up into my eyes with fear. I released a deep breath. “Mimi, when you came to, you kept saying you were sorry and telling Azriel not to hurt you.”

“Please tell me he wasn’t there,” she pleaded. I looked away. “I. I didn’t mean him. I’m going crazy.” With a sigh, she leaves my lap and leans against the headboard with her head in her hand. 

I grab the glass of water from the nightstand and hand it to her. “Drink and then tell me everything. Is this one of your sleepwalking nights?”

Her shaky hand took the water as she lifted her hand and brought it to her lips. She chugged it all in one breath and set the glass down on the nightstand. Breathing deeply, she began to speak. 

“I take it Elijah told you about the sleepwalking. I don’t know when it started or how it started. I don’t know why. When nothing happened on my birthday two years ago, I began staying up and overthinking. I knew something was bound to happen but I didn’t know what en. or when. For that week, Aaliyah and Elijah decided to stay here just in case and they found me walking in the morning. I was speaking though, saying something strange, and whispering in another language. Then I just stopped and Elijah caught me before I fell to the floor.

My magic has been acting strange too. When I snap and try to bring something to me, it brings so much more. When I winnow, I winnow too far. When I flick my hand, I break something. It’s like it’s progressing and I don’t know how to stop it. And my nightmares have felt more real. Like the one I had tonight.”

I moved up on her bed and grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “What happened tonight?”

“I killed you,” she whispers and closes her eyes. “I don’t know how it started, all I remember was I was running through the woods and I ended up in an Illyrian camp. Azriel was there but not _there._ His eyes were much darker and his shadows were so much bigger. It was like he was someone else. And I felt like he was dangerous so I ran. And I followed this boy past a door and ended up on the bridge with a dagger in my hands and blood all over me. When I looked up, Mor was in Azriel’s arms and you were on the ground. Azriel blamed me and held me against the railing, his hands were around my throat. The next thing I remember was my eyes closing and water all around me.”

I looked at her with my brows furrowed. None of this made any sense. None whatsoever. “Was the Azriel that was holding Mor seemed like the same Azriel you ran from?” 

She opened her eyes and looked at me like I was crazy. Shaking her head, she said, “I don’t know. I don’t think so. His eyes were back to…” She stopped speaking and looked at the wall. I let go of her face to follow her gaze but there was nothing. “Before I fell…” she gulped. “I saw something. I saw another Azriel but his body was mostly made of shadows. And he smiled at me before I closed my eyes. Cassian, what the hell is going on with me?” 

“We’ll find out,” I reach over to pull her into my chest. “I promise.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone and if you found me again, hello and I'm sorry for stupidly deleting it. it's on me. Trust me when I say i'm finishing it till the end this time. This story is in my head all the time and I need to finish it for my sake as well. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter... well... 
> 
> Anyways, next update is the last of the 50 years and then the true fun will begin. I wanted to warn you. Chapters 21 and the next few will be heavy and not as happy. Maliha will go through a lot of trauma that does involve TW// rape and sexual abuse as well as some domestical abuse. I wanted to shed light on a certain type of abuse that's not really spoken out about (you'll understand what I mean when we get to it) and you will understand why it has to happen because of her duties but don't worry everyone. The person who does this will eventually have to face the wrath of our shadow singer. 
> 
> Don't forget to kudos and comment your thoughts pls. 
> 
> Love you all xxx


	20. *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter
> 
> Love you Goodbye- One Direction
> 
> 🎵If tomorrow you won't be mine  
> Won't you give it to me one last time?  
> Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye🎵

**Year 50 Present Day I’m not ready *Sexual content ahead***

[ **Song of the Chapter** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG0jPNYUy48)

**Azriel’s POV**

Walking out of the front door of my bedroom, I felt different. I felt like something was different. And not in the same way it was five years ago. This was a good difference. 

When Cassian came back and told me what Mira had told him, more questions arose to my mind. I worked day and night to find some sort of answer. But I didn’t go see her. Hearing her begging me not to hurt her and flinching at my touch made me cautious of seeing her. 

It made my shadows feel heavier around me. I knew she wasn’t afraid of  _ me. _ But this time it was different. This time I was the one who caused her pain, not just some sort of shadows coming after her like the last time she almost died. 

It was all so confusing and I was getting no answers. None whatsoever. And it angered me all the time. My wires were cut short. I was getting annoyed and angry with each second passing. Nothing even remotely presented itself as a clue. 

She’s been doing okay lately from what Cassian has told me. Madja gave her some sort of sleeping concoction to help with her sleepwalking. And Aaliyah has moved in with her to make sure she is okay. Elijah was there most nights as well because of Aaliyah so she had someone to take care of her. 

But this whole thing confused me and consumed me. 

And don’t even get me started on Rhysand. I was going insane. Fifty years. Fifty! And nothing. Not a sound. Not a voice. Nothing. My brother was under the mountain all alone and Cauldron knows what has happened to him. But I refused to believe he was dead. 

I couldn’t. Thinking of him was the only thing that kept me fighting. The only thing that kept me from giving up. I’ve already lost too much to give up now. I had to find a way to get to him. And that led to where I was now.

Scaping the edge of Velaris for probably the trillionth time in the past twenty years. Have I found anything? No. Why was I continuously searching? I don’t know but I had to. For Rhys. He never gave up on me and I’ll be damned if I give up on him. 

“Anything?” Cassian asks from a little ways away. He decided to come with me today since he had nothing better to do. Mor was with Mira at her house along with Amren. Having some sort of girl’s day. 

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Mira in five years. I stopped checking up on her in case she was frightened by me. And from the last times, she knew exactly where I was. I decided to actually give her space and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

I shook my head and landed on the ground. “Nothing.” He landed next to me and stared off into the distance past the border. I sighed and fell to the ground, bringing my knees up and leaning on my hands. Cassian sat next to me, his arms crossed on his propped up knees. 

“Do you think it’s time to move on?” Cassian speaks. I shake my head, “I don’t know brother but we can’t just leave Rhysand.” 

“But there’s actually no way to know if he’s okay and he would kill us if we left the city. We’ve spent the past fifty years without him Azriel. We can still look for him and be prepared but this excessive looking around the same ground for something different isn’t helping. And you’ve been off. Anger has been running inside you for years now. Don’t even get me started on your mopping over Amira. Rhysand would want you to be with her.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m not mopping over Mira.”

“You’re mopping over Mira the same way you used to mope about Morrigan. Maybe even worse,” he laughs and punches my shoulder. 

“Come on, let’s go home,” I avoid the conversation. 

***  
“Azriel!” I heard Mor yell from the living room. “Cassian!” 

I ran out of my room, knocking down my desk chair. Cassian ran past me to the living room. 

“She’s my mate,” I heard a voice plead. But not just any voice. Rhysand’s voice. Turning the corner, there he was, his head on Mor’s lap as she ran her fingers through his hair. He looked frantic. Like something horrible had happened. 

“Rhys,” Cassian said with caution crouching down. “She’s my mate,” was all he said. “Who? Who’s your mate?” Cassian asked.

“Feyre. Feyre’s my mate and I let her go.” He began sobbing. “I let her go.” 

“Mor,” I walked forward. “Where…”

“He appeared in front of me as I walked out of Mira’s house. It was like he was waiting for something bad to happen and looking around like he was lost. Then when he saw me, all he said was ‘she’s my mate’ and I told him to bring me here.” She explained with worried eyes looking up at me. “He hasn’t stopped shaking.”

“Rhysand, who’s Feyre?” Amren spoke up. Cassian brought her before we came back to the house because she had gotten bored at Mira’s. 

“Feyre… my mate.” 

I sigh and kneel in front of him. “Brother,” I said calmly. “You need to tell us what happened. Who’s Feyre? And where is she so I can go get her.” 

He shook his head frantically. “No, no you can’t. She’s in love with someone else. With  _ him, _ ” he said in disgust. He stood immediately and began pacing back and forth. 

“Rhysand,” I go up and grab his shoulders. “Sit down and speak. You have me worried and I’ve spent the past fifty years worrying about you. Any longer and I’m going to break.” He stops shifting and without a word, sits down on the couch next to Amren and places his head in his hands. 

As time went on, he told us everything. Well, no not everything. I know he was holding back a lot but at least we got something. Feyre was Tamlin’s lover and we know about the trials. About how she was murdered and brought back. About the deal. But that was only these past few months. 

He barely told us anything about what happened in the past fifty years. Only that he had to be by Amarantha’s side and did everything he could to keep her from finding Velaris. 

After a while, he finally calmed down and slept on the couch with his head in Mom's lap. 

I sighed heavily and placed my arms on my knees, looking at the ground. “What do we do?” Mor asks looking down at her cousin. “You heard him,” I say. “We don’t do anything. We just need to be there for him.”

Cassian closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Mor,” he breathed. “Did Amira see Rhysand?” Mor shook her head. “No, I was leaving and coming here when he appeared.”

“So who’s going to tell her?” Amren spoke up after being too quiet. “Who’s going to tell her she gets to go home?”

I don’t know what came over me but I stood too quickly and went to my room, slamming the door shut. 

***

“Come in,” I huffed out after hearing a knock on the door. I was laying in bed with my arm over my eyes, trying to figure out how to tell Mira she gets to go home. Apart from me didn’t want her to leave. Apart from me wanted to be selfish and wait until she finds out herself. 

But I had no right to be selfish. I lost that right on Solstice night twenty years ago. 

I felt my bed dip and a body lay horizontally. 

“Who’s Mira?” I heard Rhysand ask. 

It’s been a week since Rhysand came back. He hasn’t shown his face and no one knows he’s home. He made sure to keep it this way but he knew sooner or later, he had to. People had to know their High Lord was safe so things could start going back to normal. 

But he’s been different. He hasn’t been talking much or getting out of bed. Or eating. We have to force him to eat when he’s on the verge of passing out. He hasn’t mentioned what happened under the mountain and it worries me but I know better than to pester him. 

“She’s someone from the Dawn Court that I brought to Velaris,” I confess, knowing he may now yell at me for bringing someone into our home. 

“Oh.”

I sit up and look down at my brother who was staring at the ceiling. “Oh? You’re not going to get angry at me for bringing someone from a different court to Velaris? For exposing our secret?”

He shrugs, “Well did you have a good reason?”

“I found her beaten, almost to the point of death by Amarantha’s men the day I last spoke with you. I brought her here, healed her, trained her, and…”

“Fell in love with her?”

“What?” I exclaim. “No, no I didn’t fall in love with her. We just became very close. And I promised her I would get her back to her family. All we waited for was that it was safe.”

He stood and raised a brow at me. “Then why haven’t you told her Amarantha is gone? She deserves to go home Azriel.”

I gaze at the wall near him, not saying a word. He sighs and stands, clapping me on my shoulder. “Well, you need to figure it out soon because there’s a big party tonight for my arrival back. And I’m sure she’s already heard of it. You’ll be lucky if she stays long enough to attend.” 

“It looks like I have nothing to figure out if she’s heard.” 

He grasps the handle and looks back. “If she is there Azriel, don’t let her leave without saying goodbye and telling her everything you need to. You may not get another chance.”

***

**Maliha’s POV**

I squealed and jumped into Elijah’s arms. He lost his balance for a bit before regained it and wrapped his arms around me. “You get to go home, Maliha,” he murmured in my ear. 

_ You get to go home.  _

Apart from me felt upset at the news for some reason. I’ve grown accustomed to Velaris and I don’t want to leave. But I need to see my family. To make sure they’re all right. I needed to apologize to Thesan for our last conversation. 

I needed to see Aunt Lucy and ask her about the strange things going on with me. 

And I needed to get back to being Lady of the Dawn Court. 

But I would be leaving my family here, a family I don’t know if I could return to. 

_ Azriel, Morrigan, Cassian, Elijah, Aaliyah, Cornelius, cauldron save me even Amren! _

“We’ll miss you Maliha,” Aaliyah says as she tugs me from Elijah. They’ve been together for well over a decade now. Her hair was pulled into braids and her brown skin was covered in a gold tunic that matched the gold coiled into her hair. 

She knew who I was, who I really was well after she and Elijah made it official but she wasn’t upset. She understood why I did it and I was grateful. 

“Thank you,” I smiled as I pulled away. Elijah discreetly looks over Aaliyah and I roll my eyes. “Yes, Elijah?”

He shoots his head over at me and raises his hand to scratch his neck in nervousness. “Well, I know how badly you want to go back to your family but there’s a party tonight welcoming the arrival of our High Lord and I was wondering if you wanted to join? But I understand fifty years have gone from you so if you want to leave now, then you should.” 

I pinch my bottom lip in between my fingers and sighed. I wanted to go. I needed to say goodbye to Mor, Cassian, and Amren. And  _ Azriel.  _ I needed to say goodbye to Azriel. 

And thank him. 

But we haven’t seen each other in ten years. Not since my sleepwalking incident. Well, I don’t remember but he was there from what Cassian told me. 

But I knew this may be a bad idea because I don’t know how to react to saying goodbye. I don’t know how I would react after. And I didn’t want to break down in the middle of a party. 

But I was going to go. One last night in my second home. One more to soak in everything magical about this City of Dreams. 

One more.

Before I had to leave for good.

***

“And then afterward, I pushed him into the river,” a fae drunken man ended his story. I laughed along with everyone else but I actually didn’t hear one word. 

We’ve been sitting at the table for the past half hour waiting for the High Lord to show himself but he hasn’t yet. Aaliyah and Elijah sat on my right as I sat at the end of the table. Whoever walked in could spot me as my seat was next to the center walkway. 

I was seated with other faes I have met through Elijah and Aaliyah. They were drunk beyond comprehension and telling stories. Some made no sense and some not funny but they laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. 

But then they stopped laughing as if there was a shift of tension in the air. I felt it too. It felt powerful. Like a force looming over Velaris and I knew exactly who it was.

Cassian walked in first, tailored in black pants and a simple white button-down with a couple of buttons open. He walked in with grace and a little straighter. He screamed Commander of the High Lord’s Army and not just the Cassian I grew to know.

Following him was Morrigan and she too walked with her head a little higher. The High Lord’s third in command was wearing a simple red dress with a dipping v-neck and slits on both legs. Amren followed her wearing a black two-piece dress, showing her midriff and wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. 

And then he came, the Powerful High Lord of the Night that everyone has been worried about for the past fifty years. He was extremely handsome, standing with poise and his hands behind his back. His short black hair was styled so it complemented his facial features and his eyes glowed violet. He was wearing black pants with a black button-down with intricate designs of blue flowing throughout the shirt. His skin looked pale compared to the rest of his Inner Court and subjects. But I think that’s what happens when you’re trapped under the mountain for too long. 

Everyone rose from their seats and the music stopped, I followed and bowed my head. 

“Rise,” Rhysand commanded. “Please enjoy yourselves tonight. No talk about what has happened, we shall focus on moving forward.” And with that, they all walked to the tables and everything went back to normal. 

While my friends conversed stories, I looked at the dance floor. It’s been years since I attended parties. I refused to go with Mor even though some days she would ask me twenty times. I just didn’t feel comfortable. 

I felt strange now. Fifty years have gone by and I finally get to go home. But I feel like it’s a dream. That someone is going to pull me out of my dream soon. Was this a night terror? I don’t know. 

Admiring the fae dancing, smiling, and laughing, I wondered why it was so hard for me to be like one of them. To let go. To have fun on my last night here. To feel myself dance against another fae male with no regard to who’s watching or how my body would respond. This was my last chance of freedom anyway. My last chance to be free. 

I felt a presence shift. One I’ve felt before and to this day, it still felt strange how or why I did. Or how to describe the feeling. It was like someone had thrown a rope over my body and began tugging me forward. 

Turning my head to where the source of the heat was, I saw him. His shadows carved a path before and in front of him. The final member of the inner circle, dressed in a black button-down tucked into black trousers. A black belt hung around his waist. His black wings flared. Black. Black. Black. A color that screams danger, mystery, and a color that makes your heart skip a beat. A color that made my heart skip a beat. 

He looked around for his friends but then his eyes met mine from the entrance. I quickly looked away, looking down at the table, and I could already feel the heat rise into my cheeks. 

**Azriel’s POV**

I tilted my head down after meeting Mira’s gaze, smiling to myself, and felt happy that she chose to attend. I chuckled to myself as I walked to where my brothers were seated. 

“I saw that,” Cassian says, sliding me a drink. “Hey everyone, Azzy boi is getting laid tonight. He and Mira are going to reconnect.” I roll my eyes, “Shut it, Cass.” 

“Hey what’s so bad about one more night to say goodbye. I might sleep with someone tonight. Mor might take someone home. Quit being so uptight and go talk to the girl. Who knows maybe Rhys...” Rhys shoots him a glare that makes him shut his mouth. “Everyone here is in a mood when we should be celebrating,” he grumbles, taking a shot. 

I shake my head and look up from my seat to see Mira looking in the other direction. I couldn’t help but take her beauty in. Her dress was a deep shade of red, like the shade you see at the crack of dawn. Her neckline was a V shape showing off her cleavage and the back was open, ending just at her hip before it showed anything. It was tight but not too tight and hung to her curves nicely. Her hair was back to silver which complimented the red. I still wonder why she never wears her hair naturally and what it even looked like without all the coloring. 

The only accessories on her body were her usual. The necklace her mother gave her accompanied by the ring and bracelet I gave her. I smiled, twisting the ring on my own finger that looked similar to hers. 

“Azriel… Az… are you even listening to us?” 

I turn my head back towards Mor, “Were you saying something?” She laughs and everyone joins her, “That’s it, I’m going in.” 

Before I could protest, she was already walking towards Mira. I grabbed my drink and sipped on it, watching Mor talk to Mira. I could already see the horror in Mira’s eyes but didn’t know what Mor was proposing to her. Mira hesitantly nodded and grabbed a silver clutch from her table and stepped off the stool. 

Curling my lips up, I laugh silently and drink the rest of my cup. 

“Cousin,” Mor greets. “This is Amira from the Dawn Court.” I look out the corner of my eyes to see Mira hold out her hand to greet Rhysand. “Nice to meet you High Lord Rhysand.” Cassian chokes on his drink as soon as their hands meet.

Rhys shot him a glance. Cassian wipes the corner of his mouth with his napkin and smiles. “Please just call me Rhysand or Rhys will do,” Rhysand looks back at her. “Sit with us.” 

She glances at me and sits in the seat across from Rhys with Mor sitting next to her. 

**Maliha’s POV**

I was sitting with Rhysand and his court. My nervous levels were through the roof. I couldn’t bluntly ask about Thesan as if he was family and not just my High Lord because that would be questionable. But I also didn’t know what was talked about. Did Thesan tell him about me? Did Helion mention it? 

He didn’t quite talk too much though. He only asked if I missed home and if I was excited to go back. I questioned why he was letting me go so easily with the knowledge of his secret now known in the hands of someone not from his own Court. His answer? The inner-circle trusted me and so he followed his family. 

Mor and Amren left the table soon after the conversation ended. Amren left home and Mor went to the dance floor. 

“Cassian,” Rhys says in a commanding tone. “Let’s go to the bar, I need more drinks.” He seemed off but maybe it was just me. He wasn’t  _ here _ , it was as if his mind was somewhere else. But I couldn’t blame him after what he went through. Cassian stood and clapped a hand on Azriel’s shoulder but not before shooting me a wink. 

I looked at the drink in front of me and finished it off before twiddling my thumbs. I didn’t really know what to say. This was harder than I thought. I don’t want to say goodbye. Not to him. And I didn’t know where to begin. He saved my life. Literally. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve bled out. 

And he made me stronger physically and mentally. 

And he showed me compassion, the first after Damon but that was a long time ago. I opened up to him more than I opened up to Thesan or Damon. But then again, Damon left me before my mother did so there was nothing really to tell besides the family drama but he had worked in the Palace so he knew most everything. 

Apart from me didn’t want to let him go. Maybe even stay in Velaris but I have a duty. And besides who says I won’t find another person to love me the same way as Azriel did…

Wait. No. No, it wasn’t love. We just lusted for one another with feelings of caring. Right? I mean we were forced to stay together due to being locked in Velaris and he was one of the most attractive. Him, Cassian, Elijah, and that’s all I really knew. But it was predictable for me to get with someone at one point. 

It was fun. Pure fun. Besides we were only  _ together _ for a short time, way too short if we’re talking about a fae’s lifespan. And I still had a mate to find and if not a mate, a duty. And I can’t go home and be married if I loved another man so no. No, I did not love Azriel. 

Speaking of Azriel, I was way too in my thoughts to have realized he wasn’t in the seat on the other side of the table. He was standing right next to me. “Dance with me?” he asked, holding out his hand. “One last time.”

**Play song now if you have not done so already!**

The music had slowed down and I caught myself smiling, we never did dance to upbeat music together. Taking in a deep breath, I nodded and placed my hand in his. He quickly linked his fingers with mine and took us to the dance floor. 

We stopped halfway to the middle, faes blocked us from every angle. Mor winked at us from across the way. Cassian nudged Rhys to look over and suddenly I felt nervous. Everyone was looking at us, well everyone important. I think Elijah and Aaliyah’s eyes found their way over as they danced. 

Azriel’s hand slid across my waist and tugged me towards his body as his other hand took a hold of mine. I placed my other hand on his shoulder but wrapped it around his upper arm so it was more comfortable. 

I felt his thumb on my lower back moving in circles in a comforting way. “Relax,” he whispers in my ear. “I can feel you as stiff as a stick. Don’t pay attention to them, just focus on me.” The sound of his voice soothed me and I let out a breath, looking up to meet his hazel eyes. 

“Hi.”

I smile at him, “Hi.” 

“You stayed,” he said, pointing out the obvious. “Why?” 

I shrugged, “Just wanted to say goodbye to some people. See Velaris one last time. Meet the infamous Rhysand. And wanted to…” I bit my lip and looked at the ground. “I don’t know, see you,” I confessed. 

I felt his lips on top of my head. “I’m glad you stayed.”

That’s all we said for the next few minutes as we swayed to the music. His head laid on top of mine as he brought our entangled hands up to his chest. 

Even though it’s been years since Azriel and I have seen each other, talked with each other, or even been a few feet apart from each other. It felt like no time has passed. But this is why we separated. Why he felt the need to let me go. To focus on getting his brother back. 

And I couldn’t be mad at him forever. Not while I was hiding a secret of my own. In a way, I was also protecting my family but I couldn’t tell him just yet. I didn’t want to leave with them hating me and thinking everything was a lie. Maybe I never had to tell them because I would never see them again. Unless Thesan thought it was time for Prythian to know about me. 

But then how would Azriel react? Would he be mad? Would he understand? Was my reasoning enough? 

“What are you thinking about?” his voice brought me out of my thoughts. I closed my eyes and felt his shadows comb through my body, a feeling of wind gushed through me. 

I always felt calm in them. 

“Home,” I answered truthfully and brought my eyes up to look at him. 

He swiped his tongue across his bottom lip. “Why don’t you look ecstatic? This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” 

“I just don't want to leave. The cost of going home is losing this one and I just hope it’s worth it.” 

Without speaking, he dropped his hands off my waist and used our entangled hands to turn my body. His chest was now pressed against my back and I could see Rhysand talking to Elijah at the table. 

“You’re never going to lose this home,” Azriel whispers in my ear. “Remember, we’re your family now. One message, one letter, one scream, and we’ll be on your door bringing you back.” I turn my head to look up at him. “Besides, you really think Mor and Cassian are going to forget about you? Mor gained a sister. Cassian gained one too.”

“And you?” 

Our intertwined hands leave my waist as he circles me back to face him. His free hand goes up to cup my cheek. “Does this answer your question?” He brings his lips down to meet mine and at first, I froze, not expecting the reaction. 

But then my lips followed his lead. 

I let go of his hand to bring it at the base of his neck to tilt his head for a better angle while my other grabbed on to his bent elbow. 

Our lips moved in sync with lust but with a hint of sadness. I felt his hand cupping my cheek tighten his hold as he tried to bring me closer but there was no physical way too. 

“Stay with me one more night,” I breathe, backing away slightly but our noses stay touching. 

He smiles and brings our lips to touch once more. “Wasn’t going to let you leave without properly saying goodbye, baby.” 

He backs away and intertwines his hand in mine as he walks us away from the dance floor. He walked like he was in a hurry but I knew he wasn’t going to rush this but he needed us to be alone quickly. 

Aaliyah nudged Mor off the corner of my eye and shot me a kiss but I rolled my eyes and looked down, heat rising to my cheek. 

The moment we got outside, he wasted no time to wrap his arms around me and fly us back to my house. I laughed softly as we landed and he urged me to get the door open, his hands wrapping around my waist and pulling my back to meet his chest. His lips moved along my neck as I tried to open the door.

When I finally managed to get the door opened, I turned around and grasped his hand in mine, dragging him up the stairs and down the hall. When we reached my room, his hand left mine to spin my waist and push me against the door. His lips pressed against mine harshly. 

“Have you always been this needy and eager?” I joked pulling away. He rolls his eyes and kisses me once more. “You know,” I begin again. “If you wanted to do this quickly, you should’ve just said so.” 

His hand leaves my waist and cups my chin, brushing his lips on mine without fully touching. “I’m going to take my time,” he whispers. 

“Are you trying to make me so tired, I won’t be able to leave soon?”

In one swift movement, he grabs the ends of my dress to bunch up around the waist and hoists me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. Azriel meets my eyes and smiles, “That’s the plan. Any objections?”

I answer by grabbing the nape of his neck and bringing his lips to mine. I hear him chuckle into the kiss, “Eager are you?” 

“Azriel I swear the Cauldron…” my threat was soon cut short by him throwing me on the bed. He climbed on the bed resting his palms on either side of my head and his knees on either side of my body. His lips meet my neck and I move my head to give him more access. 

“I want to go slow,” he murmurs near my ears. “I don’t think we’ve ever gone slow.”

His eyes meet mine. “Then, I knew I had another day with you. Now, I’m having to say goodbye.” 

His thumb comes up and captures a tear I didn’t know was falling. “Don’t cry, baby. I already gave you my word. I'll find my way back to you.” 

Azriel’s lips fell back on mine but much more slowly and I was grateful because I couldn’t speak. Not without blurting out something stupid. 

_ You don’t love him. You don’t love him.  _

I had to continuously tell myself the four words or else I knew I wouldn’t leave. Not with risking the chance of never coming back. 

I moved my hands from around his neck to the nape to unbutton his shirt. As I did so, his lips moved down to my neck, down my collarbone, down the exposed skin from the opening V-neck of my dress, and back up the same ways. 

Finally, he grabs the collar and takes off his button-up, throwing it somewhere on the floor. Then, his fingers find the back of my dress, probably in search of my zipper. He finally finds it at the end of my back and flips us over so I was now straddling him, my dress still bunched at the waist. 

It was my turn for lips to attach to his neck as he found my zipper. As one of his hands dragged his down, the other followed, dragging his fingertips from the top of my back and down to the end of it. 

He grabbed the ends of my dress and brought it on top of my body, throwing it in the opposite direction of his shirt. The only thing on my body was the black thin article of clothing covering the lower part of my body. 

His fingers stopped moving and he froze. “Az?” I questioned, bringing my hand to cup his cheek and rub my thumb along his under the eye. 

“Just want to remember this,” He says, his voice lower than a whisper. His hands move along my hips. And in seconds, we’ve flipped again. 

I realized his shadows were nowhere in sight and they haven’t been since we entered the room. He rarely did that when we were together since he knew I didn’t mind them but I loved them. He probably wanted this moment alone, even from a part of him. 

His fingers slipped inside of my waistband to drag the material down my legs causing me to lift my waist slightly. His lips pressed against my inner thigh and I flinched slightly, his lips curled into a smile. 

He continued pressing kisses between my thighs, some light and some more forced. I heard his belt land on the floor and knew his pants soon followed. 

His lips continued to inch upwards until he reached my entrance. The moment his lips pressed against me, I moaned out his name and arched my back, latching my fingers through his hair causing him to groan when I tugged. 

His hands wrapped around my upper thigh, holding me in place as his tongue lapped around me. My eyes fluttered shut and my breath hitched in my throat. A hand kept laced within his hair and the other gripping the sheets. 

I could feel my high coming quickly, my body too eager for Azriel. I couldn’t admit it but I’d been craving his touch for twenty years. But before I could finish riding my high, he stopped. 

My eyes opened slightly to see his eyes looking back in mine. He chuckled and kissed the corner of my lips, “No pouting.” 

His lips met mine as he dragged his briefs down his legs and wrapped my right leg around his hip. My hand cupped his cheek and my other held his shoulder. His hand bent my left leg as the other messaged my breast, our lips still moving in sync. 

He pulled back and looked down at the place our body would soon be connected. His hand left my leg and helped position himself, slowly entering into me. Biting my lip, I arched my back and moaned out his name. 

He moved slowly, his lips meeting mine, concealing both our moans. My hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer as he picked up his speed. 

He pulled away and his hands grabbed my waist, lifting his body off of mine. My eyes closed as the pleasure coursed through my body. My moans were barely audible and my back arched when his hips snapped against mine. 

“Mira,” he groaned as our bodies moved as one. I was close. Very, very close. And my mind was in a state of bliss, I didn’t know how to respond. 

I could tell her was close when his thrusts started getting sloppier and faster. 

I felt his lips near my ear. “I’m close, baby.” His breath was gone as well. I could hear his heavy breathing in my ear. 

I latched onto the nape of his neck as my body reached for its high and Azriel soon followed. Almost immediately after releasing a moan from my lips and arching my back, his groan soo followed, halting all movements. 

He stayed inside me but collapsed almost on top of me, his hands on my waist to keep himself steady. His head on mine as we tried to catch our breath. My hand moved from his neck to his forehead, running my fingers through his damp hair. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, his breathing still heavy. I nod and latch my lips on his. “More than okay.”

He pulls out of me and goes down to kiss the only marking on my body. The one on my  hip?  Something he used to always do when we were together. 

He leaves the room as I lay in bed, watching the ceiling and thinking about what just happened but he wasn’t away for long. He came back with a warm towel in one hand, “let’s get you cleaned up.” 

I try to hold my laughter in but fail and cover my face in my hands. 

***

**Azriel’s POV**

I didn’t know how to exactly feel. I knew I was going to miss her. I knew there was a chance I would never see her again. I knew this may have been our last goodbye. 

But I didn’t want it to be. 

I wanted this. This moment a hundred times over. 

Laying by her side, facing Mira. Her hands together and by her head as she slept, her hair wet from the bath. Her body, covered in my shirt that ended at her thighs. Her lips slightly parted.

I reached out to push a strand of hair behind her ear. Keeping my hand on her cheek, I rubbed her cheekbone and under the eye with my thumb. 

Today, I discovered she kept a box of my old shirts, briefs, and sweats I would give her in her wardrobe on the bottom shelf. I laughed walking out of the washroom to see her handing me a pair of briefs and sweats, her body already covered in my clothes. 

We laid in bed and I held her as she fell asleep. My original plan was to leave as soon as she slept. Either making it easier for her or me, I don't know. But now? I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want her to leave. 

This was my fault. I should’ve kept quiet. Should’ve accepted where she came from. What her duty was. It would’ve made this easier. 

**_If in the end, we won’t even be together. It’ll just cause heartbreak._ ** She once said. My reply?  **_And you would rather just throw away what we feel? Because you're scared it’ll break my heart?_ **

I was selfish. I didn’t care if my heart broke. But I didn’t think about hers.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my fingers through her hair. 

“About?” she murmurs, her eyes still closed. I stop my fingers and her eyes flutter open. “About what we did?”

I shake my head, “No, never.” My hand goes back to her cheek. “I never realized how hard it would be to be together for only a short time. I should’ve listened to you. I didn’t care about getting my heart broken if it came to it but I never thought about you.” 

“I’d rather have you for little time than no time at all,” she smiled back. She grabbed my hand from her cheek and played with the ring on my finger. She looks into my eyes, “I don’t regret anything Azriel. This was worth the heartache, more than worth it.” 

As soon as I saw the tears form, I brought Mira close to my chest. One of her arms wrapped around my chest as my wing wrapped around her body. My shadows were still nowhere in sight. I needed alone time. No whispers. No eerie silence. Just me and her.

We laid for a few moments not speaking. But I could hear the small sobs coming from her. 

“Mira,” I abruptly said. I shouldn't say it. This was the worst possible moment. She hummed against my chest. “I…” 

“I know. Me too,” she cut me off. My hold on her tightened as I closed my eyes. 

I couldn’t excuse the slight pain I felt course through me when a part of me realized that come morning, there was a chance I would wake alone. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I teared up when writing this chapter. Um, I have nothing to say except I'm sorry but we are at the top of the roller coaster? Now time for the drop. 
> 
> I would just like to warn everyone that the next few chapters will include tw/ abuse and sexual assault. I'm bringing to light a type of rape that isn't really talked about and you'll see what I mean so please if this is a heavy topic, do not put yourself through it. I'm estimating about a few chapters and I will put a trigger warning before it happens but they will be mainly depressing but cute at first. I don't think it'll start for another two chapters but I did want to give you a heads up. 
> 
> Please don't forget to kudos and share your thoughts. I love reading them.
> 
> Love you all xxx


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter
> 
> Already Gone- Sleeping At Last
> 
> 🎵And I want you to know
> 
> You couldn't have loved me better
> 
> But I want you to move on
> 
> So I'm already gone🎵

[ **Song of the Chapter** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FbZvDba6ew)

**Maliha's POV**

I realized I’ve never seen a peaceful look on Azriel’s face. He was always guarded. Always waiting for the next attack. The next enemy. 

The Shadowsinger Illyrian was always in a warrior headspace. 

Until right now.

I woke the moment the Dawn sky entered my room, Azriel’s wings weren’t around me but contracted into his body. His arms around my waist and my head pressed against his chest.

My fingers traced the side of his jaw, feeling the sharpness and small stubble that took place. From the way he slept, it seemed like he hasn't slept for days. 

As much as I wanted to stay in his arms, I knew I had to leave as soon as possible. Apart from me wanted to stay until he awoke but I knew that I wouldn’t have the strength to say goodbye and I didn’t want to hurt him more than I was right now.

My fingers traced his tattoos on his naked chest as I thought about his words from last night. 

_I’ll find my way back to you._

I tried concealing the cries that tried to come out as I felt the tears roll down my face. No, no he wouldn't. Because Amira doesn’t exist. 

Because just like my mother, this Amira will also be passing away as soon as I cross the border out of Velaris. The memories will be stored alongside the memories of my mother. And I would come back to them whenever I needed to remind myself of the good moments in life.

What hurt even more, like a dagger to my heart, was both of us had felt the same way about each other.

We just couldn't bring ourselves to say it. 

But I know I would never feel the same about another. 

**Azriel’s POV**

The sun shined through Amira’s window and blinded me. Groaning, I turned in my sleep and reached my arm across her bed. I was met with the cold sheets. My eyes fluttered open to see I was alone. 

Sadness swept over me mixed with a little anger for letting her go. But I predicted this. 

My shadows grew restless around me instead of their usual silence. They were frantic as if they were searching for the fae that managed to crawl her way into my skin. 

“She’s gone,” I muttered, maybe more so I could believe it than for them. 

Getting out of her bed was a challenge. I didn’t want to leave it and a part of me hoped she may have just been getting breakfast. That maybe she was coming back and if she saw an empty bed, she would end up actually leaving. 

But all those thoughts were dismissed when I saw letters on her desk. The first letter caught my eye. 

Quickly I grabbed my boxers, placing them on my naked body, and picked up the letter, and sat in her chair. 

My shadows began to settle as my arms leaned on my knees, the letter in my hands opened. Taking a deep breath, I began to read. 

_Azriel,_

**Maliha’s POV**

Another gush of wind ran through my body as I neared the Day Court. The weather was perfect. The sun shined heat but there was enough wind so the heat wasn’t overwhelming. Perfect for traveling. 

I left early, way before dawn. I figured if I wanted to go back home as soon as possible, I would have to make way earlier than I had planned. I also needed to leave before Azriel had awoken. He was not part of the plan. Not even in the slightest. 

But a part of me was glad it happened. A final goodbye. My final act of freedom. But the other part of me was upset and angry. Not at him but myself. I let myself be consumed by emotions. 

I planned to leave right after the party. Have a full night and day of travel. Obviously, that didn’t happen. 

Nonetheless, with some winnowing and walking, I was near the Day Court and could reach there late at night. Hopefully, Helion would not be upset if I arrived too late. 

As much as I believed going back home was what I wanted, I dreaded every step I took. Every step meant getting closer to having my freedom taken away. As much as I love Thesan and I know he has good intentions, a part of me knew he wouldn’t let me out of his sight ever again. 

I liked to wish that I was wrong. That he wouldn’t think about giving me away and needing me to bear an heir quickly. But then again, fifty years of knowing your people were left without a High Lord and were being corrupted could change a fae. 

And our grandfather made it clear that was my sole purpose and the only reason he let me live. Just in case Thesan could not bear children or something were to happen and I was the last person standing. 

When he passed and my uncle found out about Thesan’s “preferences” -as he put it- it solidified my duty as the Dawn’s Court Lady. Thesan would make it known that he could not bear children or I bore one first or whatever he comes up with. 

There was a point in the conversation where his father suggested Thesan and I consummate a child together. And as normal as it is for cousins to mate, we both disagreed.

My thoughts were dismissed by low rumbling in my stomach. I was thankful that I had a small pouch filled with some fruits I had packed before I left Velaris. But my canister of water was empty and my lips were dried. 

Winnowing constantly was not the best course but I needed to get home. I needed to make sure the ones I loved were safe. I was so occupied with Azriel, I hadn’t had the chance to ask Rhysand about my cousin. 

But even Rhysand didn’t seem himself. He looked as if he was on the edge. And all he wanted to do was drown. I couldn’t imagine what he had gone through with Amarantha. I wondered what really happened. Cassian had informed me that she was gone and that’s all that mattered. 

Closing my eyes, I focused on hearing for streams or rivers. I could hear the slight sounds of water rushing to my right and so, I made my way towards it. 

I was tired, hungry, dried up, and my head was pounding. But I was grateful for the stream that appeared in my vision not too long after walking. It flowed in a ditch between two sides of the forest, a cliff where the water rushed down from it appeared on my right. 

The water glistening was a crystal blue color and though I didn’t know if it was truly safe to drink, my thirst was more important. I kneeled near the edge of the stream edge and grabbed the canister attached to my hip. Once I twisted the cap off, I placed it slowly into the stream and allowed it to fill which didn’t take long. 

I wasn’t going to hunt to fill my hunger. It wasn’t worth the time or the energy if I wanted to quickly make it to Day Court. 

After filling the canister, I stood slowly and went to sit in front of a tree. I needed to rest just for a minute. My legs were burning and so was I. 

I slowly raised the canister to my lips and chugged the water as if it was the last drink I would ever have. Gladly, I welcomed the cold feeling down my throat. 

Resting my head on the tree, I closed my eyes to take a few deep breaths. All I could think of was Cassian, Mor, and everyone I left behind without saying goodbye. I just hoped my letters were enough. 

And Azriel. I was thankful for the night we spent together. For the way we said goodbye. I’m sure it would be the last time I felt truly safe. I felt safe with him. In his arms. Around his shadows. In his presence. 

I kept the bracelet he had given me to match my necklace. But I left the ring behind. I didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to come back to the court with a ring on my finger. Because then I would have to explain who it was from and it would have risked Velaris being found. The bracelet I could keep hidden under my sleeves for a few weeks before I can wear it freely and say that I’ve always had it in my jewelry if anyone were to ask. And maybe, a part of me thought these were excuses, and the real reason I left behind the ring was that I wanted him to keep a part of me. 

I had a part of him. A dagger was given to me one Solstice with a blue sapphire embedded into the top. Maybe because I loved to use it and sometimes would just hold it to admire it. It was my gift to him on his birthday the year after Starfall. He told me it belonged to me more than it did to him.

I think blue is starting to become one of my favorite colors.

It may not be the last time I see him considering my status and in fae life. But from this point on, I was no longer Amira. And never again would I be. My time with him and in Velaris was over. 

I was now back to being Maliha. Lady of the Dawn Court. 

***Play song now***

**Azriel’s POV.**

_I’m sorry this is the way I have to say goodbye. But I couldn’t stand in front of you. Because I know if I did, I would never leave. We both knew this day was going to happen. Though, I never felt prepared._

_I’ve never experienced true freedom in my lifetime. Never experienced the love of family. Well, family as a whole that is. But that all changed when you found me and brought me into your home. You were my freedom, Az. The freedom I so desperately needed. The hole inside of my heart grew smaller because of you._

_I was lost. Broken. Scared. I didn’t know what I would find when I ran away. And when I was beaten, I thought that was the end. I wasn’t afraid of dying, maybe my mother would have been waiting for me on the other side. But I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of Moon being alone._

_But I’m not afraid anymore. Suddenly, being alone doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Because I’m not alone, anymore. I have you. You live inside of me. You somehow managed to become a piece of me even though you left me so long ago. But I understand why you did it now. It was for the same reason you didn’t leave me behind._

_I never intended to fall for you shadow singer. I tried my hardest not to. But I did. I fell for the man behind the shadows. The man who cared for others. The man who put the health of others before himself. You were by far the best thing that has ever happened to me._

_You helped me believe in the stars again._

_But Azriel. I had to go. I had to go back to my court. I have a duty to fulfill. And I’m just grateful for the time we had together. But we knew years ago that this was destined to end. I’m thankful for our little time together._

_My mother once told me that love was the most complicated ideals in life. That it breaks you and builds you. That it hurts but also repairs. It suffocates but helps you breathe. And sometimes the person you love isn’t even your mate but the one that is actually right for you._

_I think we both knew if we were mates, the bond would’ve clicked but I always came back to you. You’re on my mind every second of the day. And I’ve never felt like this before. Not with_ **_Damon._ ** _Even after you broke me, I still craved your comfort._

_I meant what I said all those years ago. But now it’s no more a suggestion but what needs to happen. You need to move on, Az. Find someone you love. Find your mate. If you choose to forget about me to make it easier, then do so. But you need to let me go._

_I know you said you weren’t going to let me go and that you’ll find your way back to me but you need to let me go. Don’t come looking for me._

_I don’t know if you are upset or mad that I left because Cassian would whisper to me how you believed my duties were ridiculous and you would help free me from them. But you can’t._

_But it’s okay._

_I’ll be okay._

_I want you to know that no matter what happened or no matter what continues to happen, never have my feelings been a lie. My realist self was when I was with you. Here, in Velaris._

_Just give me your word on one thing, Azriel. Find someone to love. You deserve it. Find someone who melts your heart. Someone who makes you laugh._

_I need you to be happy. And if you ever feel the urge to search for me, just look up to the night sky towards the moon. I’ll be looking too. But don’t come looking. I’m already gone. And you won’t find me._

_And make sure that the others understand as well. I don’t want anyone wasting their time and energy trying to find me. I’ll be safe and well. I’ll be cared for._

_We were never meant to last but I was thankful I had you for little time rather than no time at all._

_Thank you for everything, Az._

_-Mira_

***

She was gone. 

I rested my head on the cold tile as water rushed down the showerhead. The water was hot and burning through my skin but I could care less at the burn it caused on my body. My wings were tucked in tight and my shadows nowhere to be seen. 

I knew she was leaving but I was hoping of convincing her either to stay or let me go with her.

Rhysand was back and though he wasn’t okay because of Feyre, Cassian and Mor could’ve handled him while I went with Mira for a couple of days. Maybe I could’ve convinced her family to let her go from the duties she was forced to have. And if it came down to it, I either would’ve brought her back and hid her or stayed with her. 

We finally had a chance to be together without anyone or anything holding us back or haunting the back of our minds. But now? Now, she was gone. 

I turned off the water a little too forcefully, making the wall crack behind the handle, and wrapped a towel around my waist. 

I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling. I’m angry. Hurt. Annoyed.

I had to pull myself together. Rhysand was already spiraling and I had to take care of him. 

Quickly, I put on the same clothes from yesterday, grabbed the letters, and went to make my way back to the house when I heard a sound of a metal drop to the floor. I looked down to see a ring land near me. Kneeling to grab it, the crystals shined from the light that came through the window and I knew instantly what it was. 

Grabbing it and placing it in my pocket, I left her house, closing the door one final time. 

My shadows came back when I walked out. They were quiet today. No whispers or coherent thoughts. They stayed still wrapped around my wings and body as I made my way into the sky. 

Looking down, I saw the people of Velaris celebrating. They have been since Rhysand came back. Endless parties. Endless cheering and laughter. They didn’t realize that the High Lord that came back, came back broken and damaged. That his head had been so screwed up with, he may never be the same again. 

Especially when he met his mate and had to let her go. But Rhysand didn’t really let them see. If he wasn’t moping at the house, he was partying in the streets with the rest of Velaris. Way too drunk to show his sadness. Cassian would sometimes have to drag Rhys back to the house where he would drink some more. 

Mor has no idea what to do. Sometimes she sits on the sofa in case Rhys decides to take a nightly drink. 

If it’s only been a week, I’m afraid to see what it would be like in a month. 

“Cassian!” I hear Mor yell as I landed on the balcony of the dining room. “Azriel’s back!”

I just wanted to be alone and I knew they knew where I was. Who I spent the night with. They would start walking around me on eggshells as we have been with Rhysand. And that was the last thing I wanted. 

“Where’s-” 

“She left,” I interrupted Cassian, throwing the remaining letters on the table and making my way to my room. 

“Who left?” Rhys stumbled in, drunk as usual. “Oh, Mira.” He places a hand on my shoulder and tips the bottle towards me. “Just drink and forget about her. She’s not worth moping for.” 

I narrowed my brows at my brother. Anger fumed inside of me at the hypocrisy he was betraying. “She’s not worth moping around for?” I sneered. “And Feyre is? Your pathetic, Rhysand.” 

I shove his hand off and he tumbles. For a fae to be this drunk, he must’ve drunk all the alcohol in the house. “She wasn’t your mate, Azriel. You don’t feel what I feel.” 

“Rhysand,” Mor strides over to her cousin. “Watch your words. With all due respect cousin, mate or not. She was with us for fifty years and became a part of our family.” He scoffs and rolls his eyes, turning to me. “I gave you one job and instead you brought a stranger into our home. And now she’s left to god knows where. You just put the secret of Velaris in danger.”

“She wouldn’t say anything,” Cassian calls out from the opposite side of the room. “And how do you know that, Cassian?” 

“Because I know Amira,” I answered. “She won’t speak of Velaris.” He laughs and it makes me want to connect my fist with his jaws. My jaw clenches as I try to keep my hands to myself. Rhys moves past Mor. 

“You better hope nothing happens to Velaris, shadow singer. Or the blood will be on your hands.” 

**Maliha’s POV**

The ground felt cold as the sun started to set. I didn’t know the time or how far I was from the Day Court but I knew I was tired. It isn’t ideal for a fae to winnow this much but I needed to get back to Dawn Court as soon as I could. 

I fought every tiring warning my body gave each time I winnowed or ran. Everything began to ache and my chest began to burn. The air began getting difficult to breathe after the past hour of running. 

Thanks to the training in Velaris with Cassian after years of no training from Azriel, my body built up its stamina and strength. I couldn’t imagine doing this trip without any of the workouts. I probably wouldn’t have made the second hour. 

Fighting in the war was less tiring. If only because when you’re in a war, your body takes its energy from the adrenaline rushing into your veins. And there wasn’t as much winnowing as there was carrying a sword and using your body.

I don’t remember what happened. One second I was running. The next I had to stop when I felt like I had to vomit and I did. And now? I’m laying on the ground. Maybe I just needed to close my eyes and rest. Continue the journey tomorrow. But where I was? I had no idea. 

It wasn’t a good idea. Laying in an open area without a clue where I was. There could be horrible people nearby or I could be just a jog away from Day Court where I know I was truly safe. 

But I couldn’t keep my eyes open as they closed so tirelessly. My body began to shut down until I saw something. 

A flash of light. No, I wasn’t dying. I saw a light shine directly at a tree. As if someone was using a lantern of some sort. 

“High Lord Helion!” I heard a man’s voice say. _Helion._ I let out a tiring laugh. 

Hearing running footsteps, I tried to keep my eyes open. And the light was blocked when a man kneeled next to me. 

“By the Cauldron,” he said and I felt his hand wrap around the back of my head, lifting it slightly to rest on his knees. “Maliha?” 

Tears pricked in my eyes seeing him, alive and okay. “Hello to you too, Helion.” My voice was barely a whisper. 

He called out to one of his guards and they quickly gave him a canister. “Drink,” he commanded and lifted my head. I didn’t drink for long, pushing the canister back towards him. “Are you hurt?” 

I shake my head. “Just really tired.” I feel myself being lifted off the ground, his hand under my knees and one around my shoulders. He said something, but I wasn’t sure what as I closed my eyes. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone. I'm so sorry for the late update. If you've been with me, you know I update every Wednesday but there was a huge Windstorm, and the internet was cut so here I am. 
> 
> Also, I may start updating every other Wednesday due to University starting again and classes being demanding so don't think I've abandoned the story if I don't update that Wednesday. I promise this story will continue. 
> 
> I also made a TikTok account for my Wattpad account with the same username @onlyangelzH if you would like to follow it. I may share some upcoming scenes or past scenes. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you all for the support. Please don't forget to kudos and comment. And remember in a couple of chapters some things will happen that I want everyone to cautious of. I will give tw in the beginning of those chapters but I want everyone to be comfortable. Don't force yourself to read it. And remember, you're not alone. 
> 
> With love xxx


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter:
> 
> Lovely- Khalid & Billie Eilish
> 
> 🎵Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here  
> Even if it takes all night or a hundred years  
> Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near  
> Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear🎵

[Song of the Chapter ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Pl8CzNzCw)

I was home. Waking up, I saw my familiar ivory walls with gold intricate designs along the walls. I wish I could say I felt like I was home but I felt like I was a stranger. I missed the red of the mountain. The dark walls of Azriel's bedroom.

Azriel. I missed Azriel. I missed Amren. I missed Mor. Cassian. Elijah. Aaliyah. I missed Moon, whose grave I'll never be able to visit again. I felt tears slide down my cheeks and I tried to keep in a sob but failed miserably.

I don't know how long it's been since Helion found me. And I don't know if Helion brought me himself from the Day Court.

"Maliha," I heard the door open and someone said with concern. "Niklaus! Go to Lucy quickly and ask her to make a cup of tea. Tell her she's awake. Go!"

The door slammed shut and I heard footsteps followed by the bed dipping beside me. "Mal-"

I didn't let him finish as I quickly sat up and wrapped my hands around his neck. "You're okay," I squeezed my cousin tightly. I repeated the phrase quietly, more for myself to calm myself down. His arms wrapped around my lower back and his hands rubbed my back.

"I'm okay," he confirmed and brought his hands to my cheeks to pull me away, searching for any injury. "Are you okay?" I nodded my head.

"Where have you been? I told you no adventures, Maliha. What if you died? What if Amarantha found you?"

I grabbed his hands and realized they were shaking along with my own. "Thesan, I'm alright. I heard of the news and hid within the Court of Nightmares."

"The Court of Nightmares? Are you insane?"

I shrugged. I had to be careful with my words or else Thesan wouldn't believe the story and I was going to keep my word about keeping Velaris a secret. Thankfully, Under the Mountain -the place Amarantha had kept Rhys and the rest of the High Lords- was south of Dawn Court. Which meant The Court of Nightmares was really the only place I could hide for fifty years without being questioned as there were still people. I just had to make it believable.

For a couple of days during the first year, we believed Amarantha was keeping everyone near Velaris. But Azriel, Morrigan, and Cassian received a final message. He was now trapped in The Middle Under the Mountain with the High Lords and Amarantha as well as other faes. And to stay in Velaris no matter what. When they tried to respond, there was no answer.

After that message, we waited fifty years for another sort of response.

"I survived. I wasn't alone. Moon was with me for decades until he passed. And after that, I managed my way. A merchant with a kind heart took me in and allowed me to live with his mate and him. I worked his store as repayment since Amarantha killed his helper to show she needed to be feared before she left." I shook my head and took a deep sigh. "Nevermind about me, I'm alright. How about you, Thesan? You must've endured hell with Amarantha."

He looked towards my balcony and kept quiet for a few. "To be honest with you, I didn't really realize I was under her rule for fifty years," he finally said. "The first few were the most difficult. She wanted to be feared, especially by all High Lords. Funny thing? Going Under the Mountain wasn't even her idea, to begin with. Rhys threw a party Under the Mountain to celebrate trade agreements with Hybern. I knew something was wrong. There were whispers something was coming but I pushed it away. I failed as a High Lord. I failed my court. Deciding to go to a party when we heard the warnings? And you went missing but the party was nonnegotiable. I had to go. So I asked the Captain to grab some men and go off searching for you.

But when we got there, some spell was cast. My power dulled. I grew weak. On the first night, she slaughtered half the faes Rhys had brought from the Court of Nightmares. Stated it was vengeance for the High Lord of the Spring Court, Tamlin's, father. She made Rhysand her lover. She brought hell and made sure we knew that every day, every night, and every breath we took belonged to her.

I thought Rhys had changed after weeks. At first, I thought he did it to protect us but the more he stood by her side, the more my anger grew for him. He brought us Under the Mountain. He risked everyone. But I understood later on that regardless if he threw the party or not, she was going to reign one way or another.

After talking with Rhysand one night in secret, he told me his intentions of why he did it. And I instantly regretted every hated thought I had towards him. He was protecting us.

One day, the faes tried to reason with her. Make peace. Which resulted in an Autumn Court's fae's eye being ripped out. One of the High Lord's sons but he was living in the Spring Court with Tamlin. He had left the Autumn Court long before Amarantha. And then she tried to make amends with the Spring Court, also trying to further her relationship with Tamlin whom we all knew she truly wanted more than Rhysand.

She cast a spell during the ball, where all the Spring Court wore masks. Permanently, the masks stayed on their face while ours came off. Amarantha told him she would lift it but only if Tamlin agreed to be her lover but he refused. When he insulted her by saying he was the same as her sister, preferring a mortal company. She turned his heart to stone.

She cursed all of them. And doomed us all with him. She gave him 49 years to find a Mortal to love him and if he did not complete it, he and his subjects would come back Under the Mountain and stay there.

49 years we endured torture and horrid nightmares. She forced me to heal people she had tortured only to torture them again. And all that kept me going was you.

Thinking of you. Of your safety. Of the Court's. I couldn't let her find you if she hadn't already. I couldn't let her take my Court after Tamlin's.

Who knew who was next.

This may be too much for you, you need to rest."

I shake my head and wipe the tears streaming down my face, caused by listening to him.

"What happened?" I asked. I needed to hear how he escaped. How Amarantha was finally gone.

He told me the stories. Of the human girl named Feyre. Of her trials. Of her love for Tamlin. And how Amarantha killed her. And how she was reborn fae. A tale I've never heard of. But Thesan had to give her some of his power.

"Do you think by giving her the power, she now has the ability to heal others as we do?"

He shrugs and turns his body. "I don't really know. But we may never find out."

I hear a knock at the door and Thesan stands to open it. Immediately after he did, I started tearing up at who walked in.

She smacked Thesan across the head before charging her way towards me. "Can you believe him?" Aunt Lucy complained. "Asking a guard to bring you tea instead of me. To think I helped raise you both, I would get more respect."

He chuckles and shakes his head. She sets the tea on my nightstand and wraps her arms around me. "Oh Maliha," she cries and tightens her hold on me but quickly lets go, looking me over. "Are you alright? Any pain? Are you hurt? Do I need to get the healer? Tell Helion to get the healer, he's waiting outside."

"Actually I'm right here," I hear his voice and look over Lucy's shoulder to see him give me a little wave.

"I'm fine, Lucy." I laugh. "I swear it."

"You've been asleep for four days. Don't tell me your fine. Who do you think you are? Making a week's worth trip in twenty-four hours! Maliha, do you have a death wish? The healer sensed your body drained down to the last drop. Winnowing like that ever again could actually harm you."

I narrowed my brow at Lucy and looked over to Helion and Thesan. "After I found you, I sent a letter to Thesan immediately. He sent Peregryn to fetch you immediately. I just arrived hours ago from Day Court to make sure you were okay," Helion explained.

I gave him my thanks and he nodded in return. Lucy stood from her spot, "Alright High Lords, out! She needs a bath, new clothes, and to breathe some fresh hair. Maybe even some cookies," she turns and gives me a wink, then turns back to my cousin and best friend. "Shoo!"

Helion chuckled and shook his head, walking out with Thesan following him.

She turned back to me and smiled as closing the door.

"Now, I shall go turn on the bath and help you get clean and while I do. You shall tell me all about how your visit to Velaris was."

My eyes went wide at her statement and all she did was laugh and make her way to my washroom.

***

I laid in the bath, the bubbly water reaching above my breasts so everything was covered. Aunt Lucy had given me orders to relax and not bathe myself. So she worked her fingers into my hair, massaging every dark thought out of my mind.

I told her the horrors of the men who beat me, of the man that saved me, of my friends that took care of me. The friends that soon turned to family. I told her of Elijah and his first gift. The training Cassian and Azriel had given me. The sisterhood of Amren and Mor. The nights I witnessed and my first Starfall. Of the letter I discovered.

I swallowed my tears multiple times thinking of the memories, both from pain and happiness.

She smiled when I spoke of the good days but she sensed the dullness of my voice as I neared the year Azriel had given me my own home. "Who was he?" she asked. I told her of our tension and of how we finally agreed to be together. But how we never gave each other ourselves fully because of our duties to Thesan and Rhysand.

I told her of the twenty years I spent without him. But how the first ten years were the worst of it, the ones that felt as if the whole world was against my happiness. The five years of endless nightmares, the constant reminders of him everywhere, the pain in my heart whenever someone said his name, and the fear I felt of losing another person I loved to something I couldn't control.

"It sounds to me like you fell in love, Maliha," she said aloud after moments of silence. I thought it best not to answer. "It doesn't matter," I whispered, wrapping my arms around my bent knees. "He'll never find me and I told him not to search. He doesn't even know my name."

I hear the chair scrape from behind me and Lucy appears in my view as she crouches near the side of the tub. "What do you mean?"

"I used my mother's name," I confessed. "For fifty years, they knew me as Amira. Not Maliha. I felt I had to at first. Though something inside me said I could trust them, I had to be safe. And all I could hear was grandfather's voice in my head yelling at me that if I told them who I was, I'd put everyone in my Court in danger. I thought I was in the Court of Nightmares when I told them. Until they showed me where I was.

And by then, I still didn't know if it was a good idea. But as the days passed I figured, I could live a new life. A life not as Maliha, Lady of the Dawn Court. But just Amira, a regular fae who traveled from the Dawn Court. Even if I told them who I was, they probably wouldn't have believed me and called me a liar. Or worse, they would have treated me as if I was their duty to protect to keep the peace between the two Courts."

"I'm sure he would understand, sweet girl," she smiled, running her fingers through my hair. "From everything you've said, he sounds understanding and kind. You deserve to be happy. Your mother would want you two."

I shrugged her off, draining the tub, and washing the soap off my body. What's done is done. Azriel didn't know who I truly was and maybe it was better this way. Even if we decided to continue our relationship, one of us would have to leave our Courts. He wouldn't abandon Velaris. I wouldn't ask him to. I couldn't leave Dawn Court. Not again. Not unless I needed to.

I watched as Lucy rummaged through the cabinet to find me a towel. She was okay. Not a scratch or wound on her body. She looked as if she hasn't aged too much thanks to being a fae. Or maybe it was the witch's immortality I had yet to confront her about.

Leaving the bathing room with a towel wrapped around my breasts, I saw a blood-red flowy dress laid across my comforter- which matched the decors of my walls, ivory with gold markings. The red dress also had gold intricate designs but only at the bottom. The neckline was strapless and was a straight line.

Colors of the Dawn Court.

No more blue or black or silver or slits of any sort. Modest. Blood red. Oranges. Golds. Pinks and purples. That is what I would wear from now on.

After slipping the dress on, I looked in the mirror. My silver hair was slowly fading at the roots. I looked drained, tired, and sad. My brown eyes were glossed overlooking as if I could cry at any moment necessary. My golden skin looked dull. Like the gold had been scrubbed off and what remained was the dark tan of the desert.

Lucy comes up behind me, placing a gold crown on my head. It was small and simple. One that didn't scream bow to me. Her hands curled around my shoulders as she rested her head on them.

"In the past fifty years, somehow you've managed to look more like your mother," she smiled. She was wrong. My mother would've been able to swallow up all this sadness and turn it into something else. She would've been able to lock it away in her mind and walk away as if it never happened in the first place. My mother would've been able to keep her gold shimmer laying on the skin on top of her brown to show she was the same. Her eyes would still glisten and her voice would still speak as if it was the national melody of the Court.

"I saw her," I spoke softly. She furrows her brows and raises her head. "Something happened on my birthday every year. I would get these headaches and it hurt to move. I would stay in bed all day sometimes. Each year it would get worse and worse. It didn't start for fifteen years. On the 20th year of me celebrating my birthday in Velaris, I almost died.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I felt this unspeakable pain shoot through my body and I remember falling unconscious. It was the second time seeing my mom but the first she didn't really see me. But this time, the moment she did, confusion ran along her face. She said 'I told you not to come back'. And she mentioned you. And she said if she could see me, I was dying."

Lucy let go of my shoulders and turned to walk to my bed. I grabbed my dress from my waist and pulled up the skirt to move easily. When Lucy sat on the bed, her brows furrowed and she ran her hands along her face. She looked worried.

"Did your mother tell you what I am?" she asked, looking at the ground as she fidgeted with her fingers.

I nodded and crouched in front of her, grabbing her hands. "She told me you were a witch. She told me of how there was something in me. A part of me that put me in danger and you were the witch that helped her. She told me of the potion. She said how if I wanted to remember, I had to do it safely and only you were to help me."

I closed my eyes and took a breath before continuing. "But there was this shadow. Mom yelled at me to run before it killed me."

Lucy's eyes shot up. I pleaded on my knees for answers and Lucy nodded after moments of quietness.

She stood and grabbed my hand. "Not here," she said. I followed her out of the door and through the halls.

Servants gasped and whispered as they saw me, whispers of how I was alive. I overheard some rumors spread. Some believed the day I ran, I ran to Amarantha. Some believed I was taken by her man. Maybe I was trapped with Thesan. That I had died after months of not being found.

I was grateful for fae healing as I was walking. My legs didn't hurt with each step I took. Even after being bedridden and asleep for days, I felt as though it was only yesterday.

With a nod and a smile, I said my hellos, and they smiled back.

We crossed the hall and now had reached another wall of rooms used for official business and rooms for the servants who stayed at the palace- Lucy being one of them.

"In here," she rushed me, opening the door to her room. I followed inside after her, looked around her room.

It was neat. Her bed unlike mine had a deep red comforter. The walls were the same ivory color with no design. A dresser and wardrobe took their place on the right side of the wall and matched the shade of the comforter. The same color desk rested on the left side.

I sat atop her bed waiting for her to speak. She walked to her wardrobe and opened one of the doors, grabbing a black box from the upper shelf and walking towards me. Setting it down next to me, Lucy took her spot across.

When she opened it, I saw vials of different herbs, some potions, and a necklace. The end of the necklace held an infinity symbol with a blue sapphire pronged on the bottom inside the lower half of the symbol.

"This is some of the ingredients I used to create the potion I used to give you on your birthday every year," she finally says. "I always wondered what would happen all those years ago when I couldn't and it seems like I've gotten my answer. To not only that but many more."

"I don't understand. When did you and your mother begin giving me this? What are you hiding from me, Lucy? I knew you were hiding something when mother was sick and she called me delusional. Our last fight was about secrets."

"I know, darling," she sighs and moves the box to grab my hands. "I'm going to explain some of the things. Some you must figure it out for yourself. But Maliha, you cannot tell anyone outside this door what I say. Not even Thesan."

I swallow the pit in my throat and nod.

"When you were younger, you were gifted. And your grandfather didn't like it. It was terrible enough his daughter impregnated with a man she didn't know, but for his granddaughter to be gifted was something he couldn't fathom. He told your mother she had to find a way to get rid of it quickly or he would but make you suffer.

I always hated that man. Despicable. Your grandmother fought for you but it wasn't enough. And so your grandmother and mother spoke. Something happened but after a few years, your mother came to me asking if I knew of a witch. When I asked what it was about, she made you show it to me.

She didn't want your grandfather to hurt you nor kill you if it came to be. But she didn't have the heart to get rid of it as well. And that is when I came out to your mother about what I was. I didn't know how to help. Didn't know what to do. But I heard of a rumor. A spell not many do because it's unpredictable and must be renewed every year on the same day.

After much arguing, we decided it was worth all risks.

We agreed on your birthday. A day where it's easy to sneak in the potion. I could put it in the cookies, cake, food, drinks, and so much more. But there's a price to pay.

The spell does not take away any gifts but subdues them. It's only temporary as it ties into the witch's life. Contrary to belief, witches are not immortal. But we do live longer than the fae. Which is why it must seem that way.

The potion requires the blood of the witch who casts it. Because the witch who chooses to perform it is the witch whose life shall be bonded by it."

"So as long as you are alive, this gift of mine will stay hidden? Even from me?" I interrupt. Everything was getting more confusing and twisted in my own mind. I could feel the pounding in my head start to form. Not from anything other than confusion and trying to make sense of everything.

"No, that's not the case anymore," she says and lets go of my hands. "When you left the Dawn Court and never could come back, I couldn't give you the potion. Therefore, breaking the consistency and one of the important factors of this spell is consistency. Never again can I give it to you because the bridge has closed between us."

"So, my 'gift' will begin to emerge? Lucy, what is my gift? Why can't you tell me?"

"You have to figure it out on your own. It's not small. And even if I told you, there's no way of getting it back until you remember. It's another factor of the spell, it makes you forget it was ever there in the first place. But to make it stronger, your mother made me subdue your memories tied to it."

I stand quickly. "You did what!" I yelled. "I have memories that have been taken away?"

She stands after me. "It's not like you would remember them anyways Maliha, you were only less than a decade old when these memories happened."

"But are they important?" I ask. She doesn't answer but looks at the ground. I received my answer. "How important?"

When she doesn't answer, I begin to storm out until she calls out. "They could've changed the entire way you lived your life."

The shock takes over my body and I keep my gaze at the door. "What?" I say quietly.

I hear her footsteps as she walks in front of me. "I can't tell you. But what I can tell you is that they would have affected your outcome in life. And they still might but you must figure it out for yourself."

I scoff and roll my eyes. I didn't mean to seem rude but I was annoyed. She could just tell me. I didn't see the big deal in just coming out with the whole truth. I could handle it.

"Is it you can't tell me or you choose not to tell me?" I ask Lucy.

She takes in a breath and walks back to her bed, sitting in the spot she sat in before. "There's no right answer for this question. I could but even if I did there's no way of bringing back your gift until you are ready. And it's a dangerous game with what I fear is happening to you. You need to start controlling your emotions and focus on this before the whole truth can come out."

Being extremely confused even more, I sat in my place across from her. "Not only does the blood of a witch bond the two but the witch has to give up something to balance the spell out. I take away whatever it is I take away and then, I give up my magic. A give and take system." she explains.

"Your mother didn't tell you this information. But I come from a coven of good and bad witches. It's why I now live with the fae. My mother was a descendant of dark and good magic, bonded in one strand in her DNA. She taught me how to turn the dark magic into good and not let it take control of me or turn me into a witch with no heart. But when I did the spell, I informed your mother of the pure two-stranded magic inside me and begged her to ask another witch.

I didn't know which magic I would be giving you and I didn't want to risk it. But she insisted it had to be because there was no time. We had already wasted too much time trying to figure out the spell and the ingredients and _you_ were running out of time. I finally agreed.

But it seems we got our answer. I've been hoping all these years that you had taken the pure goodness side of magic from me but if you say you started having these nightmares or visions of dark entities trying to harm you, it must be the dark magic trying to gain control. It's what it does. It doesn't want to kill you, your mother was mistaken. It wants to frighten you to the point where you fear you will die. You may even come close to it.

But it only does it to gain control. To slip inside the cracks. To turn you insane from the inside. So that you're more susceptible to doing evil deeds. Every emotion you feel feeds into magic. Whether fear or anger or sadness. It ignites it.

This is why you must control your emotions for the time being. Until you have control over your magic. Until you take the dark magic and turn it into something good."

I stay quiet for a few moments, staring at the ground and avoiding Lucy's gaze. Magic. Potions. My mother. Lucy being a witch. Good and bad witches. Dark magic. Evil Magic. Evil. Evil.

All this because of a gift I had? Because of something I was born with? Something I had no control over? My head began to pound again as I tried thinking of the memories I may have hidden. Lucy may have noticed as she grabbed my hand.

"Do not try to force it, Maliha," she says. "It will appear when it's ready." I shake my head still confused.

"But why on my birthday?"

***play song now if you haven't***

"Because it's the day you're supposed to drink the potion. On that day it allows an opening, a wider one for the dark magic to slip through. It's trying to weaken you. Cause your pain in any way so that you will let your guard down and then, you'll be more susceptible to the suggestions of dark magic. You-"

"Can't let it," I stand and begin to pace. "I know, I know. But how does one change the entities of dark magic? How do I control it? I only have the magic of usual faes; winnowing, making things appear with a snap of the finger, healing from my Dawn Court veins, and you know, basic fae magic. This... this is different. I don't even know what it is. What can I do with it?"

I was pacing. I was scared and emotional. My head was pounding of the endless possibilities of magic. Was I angry with Lucy and my mother? No, but I was upset. Upset they kept this hidden. I understand why they subdued whatever it was. Well, maybe I did. Maybe I was a little angry, after all.

Angry they did this for over five centuries. Angry they kept this from me when I could have very well made the decision of whether I never wanted to know or I wanted to embrace it. But now? The only reason I found out was because of Amarantha.

My mother lied to me. Even in our last argument as she looked me in the eyes and told me she was hiding nothing. My mother lied to me.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" I ask quietly. "Mal-"

"Answer the question, Lucy. Were you ever going to tell me?" I turn to look at her. "I'm an adult. Have been for many centuries. I could make my own decisions. When I was a child, maybe it was a good idea but what of when I became my own woman. What if I wanted this power for myself? Instead, you continued this game. You, my aunt, whom I loved dearest in the world alongside my mother. The only two people I know I could trust besides Thesan and here you are, admitting you have been lying to me for over five centuries."

"Maliha, calm yourself," she stands and places her hands up.

I lied. I was angrier than I thought. My blood was boiling. Did the boy and girl I had dreams about having anything to do with it? Sensing Azriel when he was in his shadows? This dark entity inside me pushed me to the very point of near-death just to scare me? To make me susceptible to becoming like... like...Amarantha?

I closed my eyes to calm my breathing. And this time, I felt it. The foreign magic flowing inside me. Did it know I finally knew the truth? Was it not going to hide anymore?

_You must control your emotions._

I tried to calm myself. Get a grip on this new feeling inside me. But it was foreign. I didn't know where to start. It was like my healing magic that came from the Dawn Court. Healing someone was as easy as wielding a sword.

I couldn't find the handle for this. And I couldn't calm myself.

"Maliha!" I heard someone yell and I felt myself falling to the ground, the palm of my hands colliding with the floor as I tried to catch my breath.

The extreme feeling of anger was gone. I looked up to see Lucy kneeled in front of me.

Looking around me, I saw the desk drawers were open and the papers had spilled. Everything on top was knocked off as well. The plant's soil sprawled all across the floor. The chair toppled over. The rest of the room was okay.

"I did that?" I asked her. She looked at the plant's soil and turned her gaze back to my eyes. "We'll figure this out together, sweetheart. If I was able to make the dark magic mine when I was younger, you can too. It'll be difficult at first to resist the urge to do more. But you are going to be okay."

I tuned her out. I needed to get out. This was too much for one day.

"I have to go," I choke out and stand, grabbing the bottom of my dress. Ignoring her calling out my name, I rush out the door.

I run through the marbled halls, careful not to trip on the ends of the dress or run into servants. Servants move out of the way to the edge of the halls. Some call out my name. But I ignore them. I ignore them all.

_Magic._

_Trials._

_Hidden memories._

_Lies._

_Deception._

_A life of feeling trapped._

And it's only the first day back.

I turn the corner right at the end of the hall, quickly stepping down the curved stairs. I needed a place of peace and quiet. I couldn't be inside this palace. Not at the moment. Not when it feels as though the walls are always finding a way to suffocate me.

I found a way to breathe. I found a way to live. But it was gone. Ripped from me by my absurd duties and bloodline.

It never goes away. The crown on my head is like a collar on a pet. I belong to the palace. To the court. I am theirs to command. And the people are mine. My responsibility. And I failed them once. What does it say of me if I leave once more?

I ran past more hallways and out the doors of the palace leading to the courtyard that connected to the stables. Thankfully, no one was there. I didn't have to deal with talking to anyone.

I chose a black Percheron horse and brought it out of its stall. It neighed and snorted but followed with no force. Maybe it needed a run as well. It, too, had been trapped between four walls.

After quickly placing the saddle onto the horse, I got atop it and let it free. It moved quickly, across the courtyard and through the forest. I guided it with the leather handle.

While riding, I thought of the Dawn Court. I knew what was going through my cousin's head but I also knew he wouldn't bring it up right away. Not until he gave us all time to recover and made sure I was alright.

I was never going to be alright. And there was nowhere I could hide from my future.

Closing my eyes, I felt the wind rush through my body. It blew through my hair and skirt.

I felt it.

Felt the magic coursing through my veins. The foreign feeling now very much awake that I had known the truth. Now that I wasn't afraid of what was happening.

After listening to Lucy, there was only one option left. To find a way to control it. First, I had to figure out what my magic was. I knocked over paper and objects. Could it have been something to do with the wind?

No. It doesn't sound right.

Frustrated, I stopped the horse and hopped off of it. I was close to the edge of a cliff leading to a waterfall. I ran my hand along the top of the stead's head to his snout as I walked to the edge.

The sound of the falls filled my ears and to transport myself into somewhere different, I closed my eyes. I imagined myself back here when I was younger. These falls used to be the place I would go with Damon to find some peace and quiet.

He introduced me to it. Said it was his favorite place in all of Dawn Court.

I remember laying on the grass with him and looking up at the clouds. The waterfall's water seemed as if it came from the clouds itself. And the edge overlooking it was beautiful. The water is a crystal shade of blue with white.

When looking over the edge, you can see the crashes of waves it made at the bottom. Damon discovered this waterfall at a young age when living in the village. He was curious to see where the water that ran along the river came from and traced it back to the palace and back to the waterfall.

It helped that his father was one of the generals of the fae army of the Dawn Court. He would come with him when doing business.

We started as friends until one drunk ball night. But he was gone. As everyone I loved was. And now the only ones left are the ones that either have hidden truths and lied to me or burdened with me.

I'll make it out of this. This constant prison. Maybe the Dawn Court wasn't so bad. It was just the pressure of the Court. Either way, I want to not be scared anymore or feel like... like a mistake.

I wanted to live. To feel alive.

The irony is now I'm a prisoner to myself. Now I must control my emotions and find a way to control this newfound magic.

Though my heart may have been shattered across the five centuries I had been alive, my mind stayed frozen. Like a shield protecting my sanity. And now it was needed more than ever.

I opened my eyes and turned to look at the palace. It was still visible. As large as it was. The stead slowly came towards me and I laid my hand along its mane.

"Welcome home, Maliha," I said to myself and took a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I have missed you all and I hate that I can't write as much because of uni. My workload this semester was way more than I expected and I'm so sorry I can't update every week but I'll try my hardest to do so. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing well! And I love you all xxx


	23. Author's note

Hello Lovelies, I miss you all. 

I just wanted to come on here and let you guys know that I will be doing some editing in the story. Not huge ones that will change anything in the story, just some grammar and such so if you receive notifications of old chapters being "published", it's merely only getting edited.

I will also be changing the layout of the house of wind but again, won't change really anything just where the kitchen is located and such since I'm reading ACOSF and SJM finally gave a small layout of the House of Wind. Turns out it is several levels and the way I described it was only one level of itself so I will be editing that. 

Another thing is I will be added songs of the chapters for old chapters as well since I only started doing it when I was into a couple of chapters. Also, there will be a new part entered at the beginning of the story of the Trailer I made for this fic in the very beginning, before it was published. 

But since my family began following me on my TikTok, I quickly deleted all things associated with Wattpad which is why if you see me in the comments and nothing about this on my main...well now you know. 

Later in the story, once I get more into the plot and you all start learning somethings, I will be asking some questions and it is only for me to know how to continue the story since this is for you to enjoy! So, please answer them as it would be very important. 

Last thing I'm kind of excited about is you will begin to unlock Maliha's past. So, stay tuned. 

Much love xxx Don't forget to leave thoughts! I love reading them. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter
> 
> I Can't Carry This Anymore- Anson Seabra
> 
> 🎵I can't carry this anymore
> 
> Heavy from the hurt inside my veins
> 
> I can't carry this anymore
> 
> Wonder what it's like to be okay🎵

[ **Song of the Chapter** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCycoUCopno)

"On your right!" Thesan yelled at the new soldier training on the grounds. He turned quickly and jumped back as the sword almost collided with his ribs, and elbowed the man instead. Thesan chuckled and shook his head

"Why don't you join them?" he asks, looking my way.

I came to the training grounds with Thesan earlier today, dressed in my armor thinking maybe I was going to train with everyone else. But as soon as I came here, all my thoughts of wanting to duel someone went away.

I haven't really trained with anyone since my last one with Cassian and it was strange training with anyone new. For years I only trained with two Illyrians and occasionally Morrigan, I knew them inside and out. But having this challenge, something inside me was afraid to do it without something going wrong.

It's been three weeks since my powers have awoken inside of me and since I felt it all the time. I haven't exactly figured out what it was and when I spoke with Lucy, she had said that each form of magic is unique to everyone who has it. And since it hasn't fully emerged, we'll not know what mine is just yet.

Instead, she has given me the necklace I saw in the box. It's not an ordinary one as I suspected but seeing how it was in the box with everything else, I should've known it was something more. It was a protection necklace that ran in her family for generations. It kept the dark magic at bay as they learned to control it.

The sapphire contains a spell her ancestors cast where whenever the dark magic inside grows far too much, the magic becomes trapped in the sapphire, saving you from yourself. I was thankful for it, thankful for the anchor it provided now resting past the necklace I usually wore.

Most days, I kept it hidden under my clothes, it wasn't something I needed to hide but it was a form of control and I wanted to keep it close to me. And only me. Something to myself when everything else is out for the palace to know.

I still have yet to control my emotions, not knowing where to start. The magic of healing I inherited from my mother was something that came so naturally to me since I've had it since I was a child. And the simple magic of fae was simple but this was different. It felt heavy like a sword and I had yet to learn how to wield it.

I've wondered if when my mother spoke of words being powerful, she was hinting something of this as well.

"Maybe soon, cousin," was all I said. I wanted to tell him about my secret but I didn't know where to start. I knew he would help me in any way he could and I knew I could trust him but I didn't even know what this was myself.

"Thesan!" The captain yells as he walks over to us. "Lady Maliha," he greets me, bowing slightly. "Captain," I returned the nod.

He chuckles, "Callahan, please Maliha. I think it's about time we go past the formalities. Especially since I've told you thousands of times before that you do not need to call me Captain." I roll my eyes and smile, turning to look at the recruits as he greets Thesan.

I see my new personal guard swording with another soldier, his shirt off and his brown skin glistening in the sun. To say he was attractive wouldn't do him justice, he was angelic. His white wings moving swiftly with his motions.

He's been by my side when I roamed the palace but still has given me the space I needed to be free. Yet, he hasn't come up and introduced himself. I'm sure he was waiting for the right time.

"Callahan," I turn back to see him pulling away from my cousin's lips. "Who's my guard?" I asked, my cheeks slightly blushed from seeing their slight intimate moment. But it brought me joy seeing them happy together after so long.

Thesan raises a brow at me before turning back to Callahan. He laughs and throws his head back, walking to me and placing his hand on my shoulder. "That," he points at my guard. "Is Nikolaus. He's been wanting to move up the ranks for centuries and when I heard he was one of the guards that had stayed in the front line with no one to command him to, I assigned him to be yours."

Nikolaus. Fitting name for a warrior.

As if he could hear my thoughts, his eyes made eye contact with mine. But it didn't distract him as his opponent came down with a sword and Nikolaus' came up from the ground, blocking it swiftly and pushing him down. His blade pointed at the neck of his opponent for seconds until their laughter rang and he helped him from the ground.

"Something to your liking, cousin?" Thesan took me out of my thoughts. I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder playfully. Callahan shook his head at the two of us before calling for Nikolaus. With a nod to his opponent, he made his way.

"Captain," he bowed. "Your majesty. Milady." I snickered a laugh and he cocked an eyebrow up. "Call me Maliha, please. It's been too long since I've heard formalities and I do not prefer it."

"He's only doing as told, cousin," Thesan elbowed me. "Nikolaus, why don't you and Maliha take a walk. Show her the changes made so she knows her way. Maybe even duel with her if you both please too."

He nods, "As you wish." Extending an elbow, he gestures for me to take it, "Maliha."

I smile at the ground, wrapping a hand on his upper bicep. As we walked, I couldn't help but turn slightly and give a vulgar gesture to both of the two. They smiled and I knew exactly what was really going on inside Thesan's mind. It seems that my freedom may be coming to an end sooner than I had realized.

***

"So, how have you been accommodating to your new surroundings?" Nikolaus asks as we walk. If you mean the new guards, maids running around and following my every move, the constant safety protocols, and especially you quietly lurking my every move, I'm doing quite well."

He chuckles and shakes his head. "You know Thesan only wants to keep you and the Court safe. After what happened with Amarantha..." He fell silent, looking around the courtyard.

We had exited the training grounds and had come back to one of the palace's courtyards, Nikolaus waiting outside my chambers as I dressed in formal clothing. We walked the surrounding gardens and the heels on my feet were slowly killing me. It's been years since I've had to formally dress and now that I'm back to wearing them all the time, my feet have yet to get used to the feeling. But I wasn't going to ask Nikolaus to slow down or to sit.

"The palace seems more than okay despite Amarantha's reign. I would've thought it had been destroyed," I admire the fountains where periwinkle morning glories flowed from the top to the side.

"Thesan put up a shield. Not a very strong one but it kept the palace safe. And the villages, as well as they, could be."

"As well as they could be?" I repeat back, a little questioning tone hinting back. He shifted slightly and his wings ruffled. With that, I knew just what he meant. "How many?"

"Enough. Mostly soldiers as they protected the population."

The air between us grew with tension. I didn't exactly know what to say. While I was safe in Velaris, my soldiers were dying protecting our home. I should've been here to stand by their side.

"Don't place the blame on yourself, princess," Nikolaus pulls me out of my thoughts and motions me to sit on a bench overlooking the village below. I could see fae laughing and running. Having fun and savoring these moments as things began coming back to normal.

We stayed in silence, watching the fae from the bottom but I could see from the corner of my eyes, Nikolaus continued to make small glances towards me.

"If you have questions Nikolaus, you may ask them," I laugh, turning my head to look at him when I catch him staring once more. He laughs back and shakes his head. "Sorry, I've been trying to form the words in my mind. But call me Klaus, please. Nikolaus was the name of my father."

I nod my head in acknowledgment.

"How are you still alive?" he asks, suddenly. I take a deep breath and look around me. "Thesan mentioned something about the Court of Nightmares and well, they don't call it that for no reason."

I shrugged. "It was difficult at first but I met good people. People who took me in and kept me alive. Besides, they weren't like everyone else."

"I have to be honest with you princess, I don't believe your story about the merchant. Something in the way you speak and the way you've acted makes me believe something more happened. Maybe someone more?"

Staying silent, I answered his suspicions and after squinting his eyes at me, he bowed his head and looked back to the courtyard below. "Is it really that obvious?" I blurted out, trying to keep the unwelcomed tears at bay as my mind drifted to Azriel. The memories of his hands on my waist and his lips on mine, shadows spiraling between us filled my mind.

Looking down at my fingers, I picked at them awaiting a response. Klaus nodded his head, "Only to the fae who have also lost someone they loved. Apologies for speaking out of term but your eyes seem dull and though you may have gained muscle on your bones, your skin looks weak. Watching you throughout the years, I have never seen you happy but faking a smile every time you pass. Most of us notice it. We have for centuries. But this? It's different, it's as if you're grieving all over again. I just assumed it was a lover because everyone is alive here and so is your cousin. There's no reason to grieve in the Dawn Court unless you left something behind."

We stayed silent in each other's presence. I was grateful he didn't ponder on where I was and who I was with. Though Klaus knew, somehow, I had been with someone, he didn't continue to ask about it. My silence was enough.

It wasn't that I didn't want to bring up Azriel but I didn't want to think about him more than I already did. If that was even possible. I saw him everywhere I turned. Maybe the more I pretend he never existed, the faster his image in my mind would disappear.

The easier it'll be to move on. I may have to move on sooner than I realized. I saw the glances of faces looking my way and heard the whispers of servants as I walked by. Suspecting something was going on, I tried listening to the conversations and had even asked Lucy who swore she knew nothing.

Day and night, the whispers continued. For the past three weeks, it's either been struggling with the power flowing through my veins or struggling to get ahold of reality. Sometimes I heard whispers when no one was around. Other times, I felt like I was being suffocated.

Some nights, Lucy would come into my room and help me perform minor spells. Ones I had never heard of but nothing would come from my fingers as the words of another language flowed out of my lips like a lyric in a song. She found it strange that there were no outbursts but five centuries of dormant potions may do that to a fae.

I felt it, like an icy river flowing through my bones but I had yet to learn what shape it would take or how to make it do my bidding. It was merely trapped behind a dam, one that would soon break.

And Thesan well, he has been avoiding me most of the hours of the day. I knew what he was planning but I thought he would at least have the common decency to tell me what was coming. It seems he was no better than my uncle or grandfather.

**Play song now**

"Can I ask you something?" I turned to Klaus. He nodded and looked my way. "Did Thesan only wish to make you my personal guard or something more?"

Klaus's eyes went large, shocked by my question no doubt. I was never one to beat around the bush for such matters. This was my life I was questioning him about.

He coughed uncomfortably. "Lady Maliha, there's things High Lord Thesan does for your safety..."

"My safety!" I scoff and stand. "What is safe about marrying me off to a man who I know nothing about? Please, my only ever role in this court was to breed an heir. This has nothing to do about my safety. So, when are we to be wed, Nikolaus?"

He raised a brow at the slight sarcasm in my voice when I answered the last question and stood, sighing. "With all due respect Princess, I said no. I was to be your guard and that was all I was going to be. As for your role in this court, it's much more than to breed an heir. You've done more things for this court than most men in your family have ever done. And all of us are grateful for it. You've led armies..."

I stood with my arms crossed amongst my chest and a brow raised. He stopped speaking and laughed. "You don't really wish to hear what I have to say, do you?" I shake my head and begin to walk away.

I hear his footsteps behind me. "Okay. Where are you going?" he calls out. "To speak to my cousin about his stupid idea of keeping me safe!"

"Maliha!" I hear another sigh. "Thesan is going to have my wings," I hear him whisper to himself before calling out to me once more. "Will you please let me explain before you barge into whatever room he's in?"

I stop walking and turn to look at him, deciding to have a bit of fun with my new guard. He was too uptight. "Why won't you wed me?" I ask him, trying to catch him off guard. His face turns to shock and he begins to stutter as I fight to contain my laughter. "Am I not pretty enough for you?" I walk towards Klaus and he takes a step back. "Am I not worthy of you?" Another step forward. His hand awkwardly scratches behind his neck as he tries to step back once more.

I begin laughing, unable to contain my laughter as I saw his embarrassment peer through. He lets out a breath of release. "Please don't do that again." I continue to laugh before he joins in. "You're going to cause me trouble, princess. Aren't you?" I shrug my shoulders.

"Klaus, if you're only going to be my guard, I don't need you. I can protect myself. But what I do need is a friend. One that will joke with me and confide in me. We're surrounded by guards of normality. I don't need one following my every move."

He cocks his head to the side. "I don't know how Thesan will react to that arrangement but fine. It may do good to have a friend around here. All the soldiers and guards are very competitive trying to be on your cousin's good side like it will get them anywhere."

"And you're not?"

"No, no offense but I never really wanted to be a guard in the first place. Nor a soldier. But since I am Peregryn and my father was a general, it was forced upon me."

"Where would you rather be?"

"It doesn't matter anymore."

His tone depended and his body shifted to look towards the villages. Grief. I knew it all too well. There was a distinct difference between letting someone go and having someone taken from you.

From the way his body froze to the sound of his voice, I knew he raised the walls in his head. Had he seen his lover die as I have? What other reason would there be then to force yourself into the position of unhappiness than to punish yourself? Was that why he stayed in the army?

Peregryn, though they made up most of the Dawn Court's army, weren't the only species. There were definitely Peregryn who lived in their own villages and lived life as any fae would.

I wasn't going to ask questions. If I didn't tell him about any of my lovers, he shouldn't have to either.

"You don't have to stay silent. If you wish to know about her, ask your questions."

I opened my mouth but there was nothing to say. "I don't really have any but if you wish to speak of her, by all means, Klaus, I'm listening."

"Have you ever watched the person you love die in front of your eyes before you were able to save them?" I didn't answer but a lump in my throat formed as Damon crossed my mind.

His head on my lap and an arrow struck through his heart as my hand wrapped around it trying to stop the wound from bleeding, his hand wrapped around mine. I shook my head to get rid of the memory.

"When Amarantha's reign began, before Thesan was able to shield the Dawn Court, a small part of her army spread terror into her home village near the border on the south. Callahan got word of it and I was the first to begin flying out. She wasn't even supposed to be there. She was supposed to be there." A point in the village below where the river streamed down the middle. "But she wanted to visit her sister who was pregnant and in labor. No soldier was allowed off duty because of attacks and so she went alone.

The moment I neared her sister's house, a flame went off and the house became engulfed with fire. I can still hear her scream in my mind mixed in with my own. But I was too late. I felt the bond die the moment I hit the ground."

"She was your mate?"

Klaus nodded. "She was. But I managed to save her nephew. I was going to walk away until I heard a cry. A baby's cry. Forcing myself into the house, he was in a crib. Not even twenty-four hours old it seemed. I couldn't bring myself to look at who didn't survive. Instead, I walked out and let others put out the flame. I had to keep the child safe.

I'm just grateful there was a body to bury and she wasn't just ashes to the wind. But I'll never forget the burns on her skin. It's the only thing bringing me nightmares at night."

Bringing my hand up to my cheek, I wiped the tears that had escaped my eyes. Was this why he had said no to Thesan? If I were him, I would too. And this was the reason why he forced himself to a life to which he wanted no part. A punishment to himself. Punishment to live his life as a soldier is a constant reminder of what he lost due to what he was.

He turned to look at me and I could see tears in his eyes that he tried to keep inside. "I'm sorry Princess Maliha. I cannot marry you. I will not do that to Madeline."

I laughed awkwardly. "And I don't blame you. You're a good man Klaus. I know it. She was lucky to have you. And I'm sure if she still were here, she would tell you to not blame yourself for what you didn't do. If you told me that all the pain the Dawn Court went through wasn't my fault but Amarantha's then I will tell you that Amarantha was at fault for Madeline and her family. Not you."

"Even if the facts prove it, it doesn't mean I will listen to what you say. Don't you still hold yourself responsible for Damon when it wasn't you who shot an arrow through his heart?"

I froze my body at his response. Of course, he knew of Damon if he was in the army. It wasn't to hurt me, I could see the slight smile trying to ease the tension around. I rolled my eyes. "I see what you did there. You know you can't just use my own reasoning on me."

He chuckled and extended an arm towards me to which I graciously accepted, "Well don't give me valid reasoning that works both ways."

I pushed him slightly, "Shut up and tell me what threat Thesan is trying to protect me from."

For some strange reason, I could sense that he was grateful I quickly switched the subject. I felt a wind of ease coming from him as he began speaking once again.

***

Storming to the dining room, I burst through the door and saw Callahan shoot his head over to me. He glanced back at my cousin and immediately knew what was to come as he stood from his seat and rushed over to me, holding me at my waist.

"When were you going to tell me!" I yell. "When were you going to tell me I was engaged to be wed to one of Baron's sons?"

I smiled as Thesan choked on his wine, serves him right after keeping this from me for Cauldron knows how long.

"When I figured out a solution to the engagement," he coughed out. "Callahan, stand down."

Klaus had told me that Thesan asked him to take my hand in marriage to save me from being whisked away to the Autumn Court. And when I asked what the Autumn Court had to do with any of it, it seemed I was already going to be married off but to one of the High Lord's sons. I did my best not to throw all of the lunch on the ground of the courtyard.

Despite being hidden, I still knew the royalties of every court. And as beautiful as the Autumn Court was, it was being controlled by an awful Highlord with equally horrible sons. I pitied their people for having to endure them.

Callahan removed his hands from my waist and I stayed still as Thesan rose from his seat and walked over to me. Anger shook inside of me and my hands were balled into fists as I tried to contain my emotions as the power in my veins began to shook.

"I didn't know," Thesan swore, his hands raised. "It wasn't my doing. It was our grandfather's..."

"Well, then how did you find out? Am I supposed to believe that you just found out about this when he's been dead for centuries?"

"Beron confessed it Under the Mountains. When Feyre came, the parties grew. Some sick thing Amarantha held every night. One night Beron became so drunk, he came to me and laughed at how freedom was soon to come. And his first duty was to check in the favor grandfather swore to him. When I questioned him, he told me. He was too drunk to not say anything.

They've known about you for centuries, Maliha. After Damon passed, grandfather supposedly gave you to his sons in return for help in protecting the Court in battle."

"The bastard gave me away when I was mourning?" I knew the hatred my grandfather had for me was enough to fill an ocean but I thought he would have at least some decency to care that I had just lost someone. Cauldron, he probably loved to watch me suffer.

"No, no, no," Thesan repeated, grabbing my face into his hands. "Don't check out on me cousin. Listen to me, I will not allow this to happen. Do you understand me? There's a way out of this."

"Can't you just tell them the deal is off? You're the High Lord now." He shook his head. "He sealed the oath with your blood." Of course, he did, my blood was accessible anywhere he looked. We were at war. There were stains of it in my armor, swords, and even on the walls when I tried to hold myself by my hand.

"There's a loophole," Callahan stepped in. I turned my head to look at him. "The oath was you to be wed to one of his sons if you weren't already wed to another. Since he hasn't come to collect on the oath yet, there's still time."

"That's why you asked Nikolaus and that's what he meant by you were doing things for my safety."

I looked down at the ground and a range of emotions passed through my head. I felt something surge down my arm and into my fists. Turning them to slowly open, I saw flicks of shadows coming out.

Was this it? Did my magic come in the form of shadows? It only made sense if that's what I was afraid of in my dreams.

Taking a deep breath, I sighed and closed my fist again. "Just do it then," I surrendered.

They looked at each other and back to me, probably wondering why I had stopped yelling and spoke calmly. Truth was, my life was never my own and I was tired of fighting every hardship I go through.

It's funny how even dead, my grandfather still has a hold on my future. He haunts my dream even more than my magic does.

"Maliha," Thesan whispers. "We can find another loophole. I was speaking to Callahan and Lucy, and maybe we can send you off to live somewhere else. Somewhere no one can find you and where you may live life any way you want."

"If I wanted to continue running from my duties or the Court, I would've stayed in the Night Court," I said harshly. "But you wouldn't know anything about the way I have lived for the past fifty years because you never bothered to ask. You just assumed that since it was the Court of Nightmares, it was terrible and terrifying." I scoffed and stepped back from the two of them. "This is the Court of Nightmares of my life, Thesan. Over there, I made friends, true friends who didn't know what royal status I held. I had a fraction of what you and Callahan had but even then, I chose you. I choose this. Because it's who I am and I'm not running away.

So, do what you please. Marry me off to whatever man you desire but I am not bedding and spending the rest of my miserable life with one of Beron's sons. I would rather die."

"Maliha, stop this."

"Stop what, Thesan! There's no stopping this. We can't do anything. This was decided long before I had a choice. There's nothing we can do."

"Princess, we can try to find another loophole," Callahan speaks quietly.

I shake my head. "I'm tired, Callahan." I turn my head towards him. "I'm tired. My life was never mine, to begin with. There's no point in pretending I can take control now. If you can't find me a husband, then kill me. You would be giving me mercy."

Turning on my heel, I walked through the open doors.

I could hear Thesan call my name but Callahan stopped him. "Leave her, darling. She needs time."

Klaus straightened his chest. Pushing himself off the wall, he followed me out through the hallways. But grabbed my arm.

"Come with me," he urges and pulls me around a corner. We walk down the hallway and to the stairs leading to the bottom level of the palace. The level of rooms that contain training areas. I used to be there all the time when I was young and needed some quiet place to train.

Pushing open a door, he pulls me inside one of the rooms with a mattress on the floor and weapons on the walls. It was one of the smallest rooms, mostly used for when the guards and soldiers have match nights and place their bet.

When Klaus finally lets go of my arms, he shuts the door and leans back on it. "Scream, yell, do whatever it is you wish to get your anger out. And don't be afraid to let that magic in your veins roam free." I stepped back, startled at the last words he said.

"Lucy informed me, I'm your guard, Princess. I need to know these things so go ahead, scream."

And so I did, releasing every ounce of anger, hatred, and sadness that flowed through me. With it, darkness and shadows emerged out of me.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies, I've missed you all! Sorry for the late update. I had slight personal life issues. I decided to change my updating schedule to every other Saturday because Wednesday was such a weird day and University kept clashing. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing well. 
> 
> So, we found out what Maliha's powers are...and they'll make more sense as we go along with the story since I don't want to give it away fully. You'll learn as Maliha does and it'll all make sense later on. So if you do get confused at some parts, just hold on for a little while.
> 
> And please don't kill me for the marriage plot, I did want to add my own element to the series and make my own storyline for my character. Plus, it'll add some important plots for Maliha's story and her development. As well as create some drama. 
> 
> Oh and a question
> 
> Do you like how I do the chapter title or should I change the title to match the song of the chapter? For ex, this would be called "I can't do this anymore" instead of "Chapter 24"?
> 
> Don't forget to comment and kudos, I love reading them
> 
> Love you all xxx

**Author's Note:**

> If you find this again, hello. I know it may have disappeared if you bookmarked and I have to start uploading from scatch. I deleted it for personal reasons but after some advice and thinking, I realized I want to do this and it makes me happy so I'm going to. 
> 
> if you have read this before I deleted it, the last chapter I uploaded was Ch 18 to save you some time.


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